Failing in Christianity

Imagine being told, "I hate you," by the same person every single day for 1-2 years.  Imagine that person destroying multiple of your possessions, especially the ones that have great meaning to you, such as your personal journals, a belonging from your deceased family member, or your bed.  That person doesn't tell you, "I hate you," anymore, and now has to tell you at least one of your character flaws every day and that you are just a bad, horrible, unloving person.  (Do you know how many times various people have told me that I am unloving?  So many times that I usually believe it.)  Maybe you don't have to imagine.  Maybe this is also you.

What would Jesus do?  Whatever it is, I have failed.  And I fail daily.

Here is what I think Jesus would do:

• Luke 23:9--"but he answered him nothing."  I struggle so much at not responding.  My beliefs are attacked often, and it is so hard to not stand up for them.  I get in a lot of arguments about what I believe.
• Luke 23:34--"Then said Jesus, Father forgive them; for they know not what they do."  I haven't ever really said this, but I pray for the person all the time.  I often ask for my own forgiveness after I just got done arguing.
• Isaiah 53:3-5--"He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not.  Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: ye we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.  But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities:the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed."-Jesus continued to serve the people and gives them the opportunity, continuously, to be saved and healed.  Jesus Christ lets anyone repent.  None of my suffering will ever have that power for anyone, but I can share my testimony.

Moral of the story: I fail over and over and over again.  I don't come close to being like Jesus at all.  But I believe that my belief in Jesus Christ can make me a better person.  I believe that I have become much better than I was when I first started getting told, "I hate you."  It's my faith in Jesus Christ that has kept me alive.  And if that's not a miracle, I don't know what is.  It's my faith in Jesus Christ that allows me to help other people even though I am so scared to talk to people and think that they don't want me around.  And judge me all you want for being a Christian, but it has made me better.  And judge me all you want for still having flaws, but the power of Jesus Christ has changed me and will continue to change me.  One flaw that has been repeatedly acknowledged by people is my saying, "I'm sorry" far too many times.  I am not sorry for my faith in Jesus Christ.  

The Mutual Game Part 6

It's been a rough week.  I went to my cousin's wedding, and a bunch of other things have been happening in my family that show me that people are moving on with their lives while I sit stupidly doing nothing of importance.  I also started my less awkward pictures on Mutual this week.  Because of the wedding and my Mutual account I have had a lot of conversations about me dating and putting on a good front.  Some things that have been said to me concerning my dating life are as follows:

• "Maybe you just need to be aggressive."
• "You need to put yourself out there."
• "You need to be more outgoing."
• "You should be less quiet."
• "You're showing that you have given up by putting your bad pictures up--people who want to get married would never show their bad pictures."
• "You're too sarcastic and negative."
• "Stop being sarcastic."
• "Don't say negative things about yourself on dates.  No one wants to be around negative people."

After being super depressed at my cousin's wedding and being told about how negative I am, I just thought and thought about why I am so negative, especially about getting married.  And I think it's because of what I have always struggled with: I feel like I constantly have to prove that I am good enough.  And not getting married is just another thing that shows me that I'm not good enough: that people don't like me or that something is blatantly wrong with me.  And I say it out loud.  I voice my concerns.  I say negative things about myself, so other people don't have to.  I subconsciously believe that if I say something poorly about myself and acknowledge my flaws, then the people that I say it to don't have to go and bad mouth me when I'm not there.  I say it before anyone else can.

I have no idea who is saying bad stuff about me, but I am around people enough (all the time--I'm hardly ever alone) that I know people are being rude about others.  And I'm sad to say that I have said a lot of bad things about a specific group of people.  I'm sorry, and I am working on it.  I have a lot that I am working on to forgive this group of people.  I need to make a lot of changes in my life and behavior.  But the things people say just solidify my beliefs about my own flaws in the eyes of others.

I kind of did this social experiment to prove myself.  Parts of me wanted to prove to some family members that I wasn't entirely useless and could get validation from other human beings and also prove to them that I know I am as useless as I think they think about me.  And because I'm miserable trying to prove myself, I ended my experiment early.  I deleted my Mutual account.  I deleted my Facebook account.  And hopefully I will do social experiments that change the way that I view myself and others.  I have a terrible view of the world.  And my [family member] would argue that that's exactly why I'm not married.  But oh well.  It's time to just be a better me.  I know I'm dumb to some people, but I'm also smart.  I know I'm not super useful, but I am somewhat useful.  I know I'm a burden, but I also lift.  And I know that people see me very poorly, but there is a great number of people who love me and think I'm awesome.  And I don't feel super narcissistic saying that.  And I'm sorry for not listening to the people who love me and tell me good things.

I just need to believe that other people like me just as much as I like me.  And not become a  narcissist, which is something I am afraid of being.

The Mutual Game Part 5

Happy Thanksgiving!  Let us all be thankful that my awkward phase is over.  Just joking, my awkward phase will never be over.  However, the awkward picture phase is over on Mutual.  I am putting up new pictures.  And I only have to have these ones up for two weeks, so yay.  The score to beat is 6.  I only have to get six matches within the next two weeks to have gotten the same number of matches as the four weeks of unflattery.  We'll see if all the boys have already down-swiped me.  If I haven't down-swiped them first.  Haha! Just kidding.  I'm just kind of done.

Want to know how I swipe?  I usually am fairly truthful for about two accounts.  And then I get bored and just start swiping down on everyone super quickly.  Obviously this isn't going to work.  Funny story, if you run out of accounts to swipe, you can reset all your down swipes, so it's like you haven't swiped them yet.  I did that once because I apparently swipe down a lot.  So basically boys don't really get an honest answer unless they are the first two.  I hate Mutual.  It's so dumb.  If I ever get married, it's gonna be a miracle.  Honestly, I probably would have to be best friends with a guy for a while and then somehow we both think we should get married.  Except, my best boy friends like girls who aren't me.  So that's fun.

Now that that rant is over here is what you would currently see if you ever ran into my account:

Now, you're probably thinking, "Cami, those pictures are still awful."  Well, sorry.  I can't change my face.  It's just how it's gonna have to be.  I just have a bad face and a bad personality.  (That's really gonna get 'em.  No one can resist that.)  Don't worry, I will have these up for two weeks, and then I'm quitting Mutual.  Because then I'll have found a beau.  Just joking, me getting married means that the end of the world is upon us.  And I'll give you my theory as to why next week.

The Mutual Game Part 4

I just want to start by saying that some of the guys on Mutual look so old.  Their profiles say that they're my age, but they don't look it.  And if I'm being honest, I look not old.  I unfortunately can't even say that I look my age.  I could maybe pass off for a 22-year-old.  So, I don't think those guys who look like they're 40 would be a good fit.  Just sayin'.  Or maybe I'm just too picky.  It's not like I am trying to actually find a real match with this, so whatever.  (Or that I would find a match with my awful pictures.)

I only have one week left as an unattractive stalker on Mutual.  I think I can manage.  We shall see.  Then I have to put up my okay pictures.  I have to admit that I have been looking through my pictures again to try and find something that shows that I'm actually a normal human being, and I've got nothing.  Absolutely zero.  Well maybe one picture.  I apparently don't care about my appearance at all.  Maybe my next experiment should be dressing less like a bum.

Next week, I'll be making my normal account, and I'll show you the pictures that I pick.  Everyone will probably think I'm still creepy looking, but you know, that's just me.  (I do a really good job of complimenting myself.  I make myself sound so attractive.  What's wrong with me?)  I'm sorry I didn't have any pictures this week.  Just imagine either me rolling my eyes from boredom or my face throwing up.  'Cause I'm pretty sure most of you have seen both of those faces.  Anyway, I'll have better stuff next week.

The Mutual Game Part 3

This week, I actually matched with two guys.  That was super awkward.  I don't know what's going on.  I haven't had any messages though.  So, I think the ugly photos are still kind of working.

I don't think I am going to last the whole four weeks.  Would anyone be mad if I end the ugly photos after week 3 instead?  That also means that I only have to have my normal photos for a week.  And then I can re-delete my Mutual account and finally re-delete my Facebook account.  I deleted my Facebook account a few weeks ago and then had the amazing Mutual troll idea.  So, then I had to cancel my deletion.  Poop.

I have been trying to find pictures for my normal account, and guess what!  I have no good pictures.  I'm always wearing my hair really bad, and I don't smile in pictures.  And I actually make awful pictures.  I guess the unflattering pictures are the real ones.  Also, I've been debating whether or not to put the following picture on my normal-looking account.  I've been told that it's super awkward when I pick up my "little" brother.  But I think it's funny.  I could put in my bio that the cute baby is my brother, since all the guys clarify that the cute babies are their nieces/nephews.

The Mutual Game Part 2

Actually, I'm pretty sure we can still use LDS to refer to members of the church.  I just get corrected a lot these days.

I'd like to start this week with a rant.  This is why I hate Mutual so much.  I lived in Provo, Utah not too long ago.  It is a place with thousands of members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  And among those thousands, there are hundreds of Young Single Adults (YSA), who are put into congregations (wards) of YSA members.  Hence, single people are constantly in contact with other single people in their wards (at least I always in contact with other single people from my wards).  Each congregation is usually 100 or more YSA (I found myself in a lot of ~144-member wards).  Taking about 100 members, and if the ward has equal numbers of men and women, there should be about 50 men that a woman could meet and 50 women that a man could meet.  Granted the numbers fluctuate and the wards aren't always 1:1 men-to-women, the odds aren't always that great.  However, there are still a number of people whom an individual could meet.

I was in one such ward during my too many years in Provo.  I went on a few dates while in this ward.  A handful of the ward members were on Mutual, my roommates included.  And I often knew that boys in the ward were on the app because they would come up on the screens of my roommates' phones.  So here were a bunch of people that I knew were not asking each other on dates but seeing each other on Mutual.  There were quite a few boys that if they had asked me on dates, I would have said yes.  I have never turned down a first date.  And I know I should have asked the boys on dates, but I am pretty sure my courage level is at -33.  I honestly have no courage.  I've been praying for it.  For years.  My rant is that these people were just finding each other on the app.  They weren't giving the people right in front of them a chance.  So why can't people talk to each other face-to-face?  Why can't we do that anymore?

Now that my rant is over, I will let you know that I also found people that I know while on the app.  I haven't lived in Arizona for a few years, but I still know people.  Let's start with this great find.

I found my cousin!  Obviously I swiped down for relative reasons; I'm not dating any cousins, okay.  But if you aren't my cousin, you should definitely look him up.  He shares some of the same genes as me, so take that as you will.

Since last week, I've had 4 matches.  I'm thinking that they may have swiped up before I had changed it to its current awfulness.  And here I will explain a little about the app: both parties swipe up for it to be a match.  Once you match with someone, you can start messaging each other.  None of the 4 matches have resulted in messaging.  I don't think they like the new pictures.

In other news, here was a group message that ensued from my starting this social experiment.

Tune in next week for more updates on how weird I am.  I guess.

The Mutual Game Part 1

Hey friends,

Today I am telling you about my beautiful plan on how to get married.  Just kidding.  I thought doing a social experiment and trolling on a dating app would be the best thing for me to do.  At least it's more entertaining.  Yeah, it's probably going to ruin my entire dating life, but I didn't have much of one to begin with.  I had a conversation earlier this year with one of my friends.  He asked me when the last time I went on a date was.  I replied that I had gone on a date the week before.  He was surprised.  But it was true.  Then my friend asked when my last date before that one was.  My answer was, "A year ago."  He told me that was the response he was expecting.  Thanks Carson.  But it obviously proves that I don't have much to lose by doing this.

So here goes.  I am joining a dating app.  I chose Mutual, and below is what I am doing.

The Mutual Game

I have used the app twice, with the first attempt lasting three days and the second lasting two hours. This time, I have to leave the app on my phone for 28 days--4 weeks. However, I am putting up unflattering pictures.  I didn't put my very awful unflattering pictures because I don't want to subject the world to that kind of torture.  But, if you were to find me on mutual, it would look like this:

I also made my bio section make me sound so interesting.

I get to swipe as if this were my normal account.  So swipe down on the people I assume I wouldn't want to date and swipe up and people who maybe are okay.  My guess is that I won't get very many matches.  It's gonna be fun.  Hopefully, I will give updates every week.

After the 28 unflattering days, I will try with normal pictures and bio for 14 days--2 weeks--and see if I can get just as many matches?  I don't know.  That kind of terrifies me.

Wish me luck,
Cami

How Do People Get Married?

How do people get married?  Seriously! It baffles me.  I don't know how people ever get married.  It's some kind of miracle.  I don't know how to put my unbelief into words, so bear with me as I try to explain why I just don't get it.

Okay, first there have to be two people that just somehow are not dating anyone else at the same time.  There are lots of people who are single, I know, but to have two people that are both maybe interested in each other both single at the same time.  That's a miracle.  During my short 7 years as an adult, I have been interested in a number of boys.  But they shortly get girlfriends, and then most of the time end up getting engaged to someone else, and then the majority of those people actually marry.  So, I guess it's just me; those other people get married.

Then, say that two people are single at the same time that are maybe slightly interested.  One of those people has to have the courage to ask the other person on a date.  And I don't have courage.  So, I'm never getting married.

On the chance that one of the people has courage, and they go on one date, what happens then?  Sometimes there is just no more communication.  First dates are often the last.  People just maybe aren't as compatible as they think they are?  I don't know why there is often a one-sided interest or maybe just you think you will like someone and then you don't.  Most interest just ends there.  And one has to start all over again.  But there is the slight chance there will be a second date and a third.  Slight.  Very slight.  How do people keep dating?  How are people interested in one another?

That's really what I truly don't understand: how are people interested?  I find people interesting, but that doesn't mean I'm interested in all of them.  And I don't think more than a few people are interested in me.  So what makes a person viable for interest?  Looks? Personality?  So what is so wrong with my looks besides my siblings telling me that they don't like my clothes or that I look lesbian (so obviously not attracting boys)?  I must have a bad personality as well.  I think I'm funny, but I must not really be.  I know that I'm not an extrovert, and I never will be.  I say a lot of bad things.  That's it.  I promise I don't mean all of the bad things.  But I do like sad movies.  How are people interested in each other?  How do people stay interested?  I am so confused.  People get married all the time, and yet is so incomprehensible to me.  I believe it's a miracle.  And maybe that's just not a miracle God wants to grant to me.  Maybe I'm not meant to get married.  Ever.  Actually, I told myself I wouldn't give up until I'm fifty--that's when my life is gonna start coming together.

To all those who are married and who are getting married, congratulations!  You are the miracles of the world.  I don't know what magic you have cast, but good job.

This is something that I have discussed with a few relatives.  Basically the moral of the story is that you have to use a dating app to get married.  Dumb, but that's what it has come to.  So, tomorrow, yes another post this week, I will be posting about a new social experiment that I am starting.

Market Research

Hi everyone, it's that time of year again: social experiment time.  Some people may know--most may not--that I always have a thousand things that I want to do.  One of the things that I have brought up recently is doing a Masters program.  Well, I started that; I'm currently in a marketing class.  And I've mentioned maybe to some people that I want to start my own business.  So, to combine the both I made a survey that I put in my last blog post.  It didn't go so well.  But now I know that pictures help with marketing.  If you haven't already filled out this survey, I think it would be awesome if you did.
Just click on the picture, and it will take you to the survey.

I realize that some of my posts lately have been kind of boring, so I will try to have less boring posts in the future.  And I really will put what I learn from this survey into effect, such as someone asked how I feel about peanut butter sandwiches.

I feel great about peanut butter sandwiches. I like strawberry jam on my peanut butter sandwiches, but just peanut butter on bread is okay sometimes too.  I have tried a few other jams and jellies, but strawberry remains my favorite.  Especially homemade.  At my last job, we ate PB&J sandwiches every day that we were on hikes or skiing.  Sometimes we would get two in each lunch.  Even so, I still enjoyed them.  I think peanut butter sandwiches are hard to eat when the bread is dry.  Did you know that Tillamook makes a PB&J ice cream?  It's grape J, so it's kind of interesting, but it's not the worst thing I have ever eaten.  If it was strawberry J, then it would be amazing.

Also, someone asked me to put up more pictures.  I'll do that some time.

Quotes: August and September

If you don't want to read all of them, the last one is fantastic.  I don't know where that kid comes from.  Also, you should take the survey at the bottom.

Cami: I eat Dole whips, for goodness' sake.  How can I have a bad life?

Sarah: Well you're the the same size as me but taller.

Dad: Cami, do you want a sugar-free, low carb cookie?
Cami: That sounds like the worst thing I've ever heard.

Emmett: I'm going to get in shape before Disneyland next year.
Griffin: Why?
Emmett: So I can be setsy.

Griffin: Asian, Chinese, Japanese, and Europe-anese.

Cami:  But my computer's being dumb.
Emmett: When isn't it dumb?
Cami: When I'm not using it.  It works just as good as I need it to.

Makenna: Wait, you're not lesbian?
Emmett: Nope, she has to come out as straight.
Cami: Everyone! I'm coming out as straight! Okay?!

Cami: I'm gonna eat a banana!
Cami:  Okay go ahead.
Cami: Thanks!
Makenna: Me! That's literally me.

Cami:  Even though I look lesbian, I'm going to keep living my life how I want.
Emmett: Quote of the day.

Sarah: Things are kind of confusing right now.  And I need a job.
Cami: I think you just described life.

Cami: I edited the photos, so that there would be shadows, so that you can see we have faces.
Sarah: Well there has to be something white about Christmas in Arizona.

Cherise: If it weren't for millenials, that generation would be dead from cancer.  Sorry I extended your life, so you have to deal with me.

Cami: Well, I need to get new bras.
Sarah: Bra-bably.

Cami: Will you brush my teeth?
Griffin: No
Cami:  Lazy.
Griffin:What. You ask that all the time.  No one's gonna brush your teeth.
Cami: Ally brushes my teeth.
Griffin: Ally's a dentist.
Cami: Dental Hygienist
Griffin: Same thing.

Dad: These have 5 net carbs and those have 22 net carbs. But these have 5 net taste and those have 22 net taste.

Cami: Can we have sugar for Christmas?
Dad: No, we're gonna get sugar-free candies.
Cami: I'm having my own Christmas!
Rachel: Can I come?
Cami: Yes Rachel, you're invited to my Christmas.

Griffin: You're just like Emmett.
Cami: Great minds think alike.
Griffin: Or stupid minds are dumb together.

Cami: I don't know what I'm doing. I have no job.  And I'm going to school.  I have no money to pay for school.
Griffin: Your Shepherd's pie didn't taste gross, so that's good.
Cami: Thanks.

Griffin trying to guess the name of a person over the course of several days:
Coltershard?
Colterhard?
Colterstark?
Coodlestraum!
Hooligan.  Chris Hooligan.
Holtergard.
Hooglegarg?
Hula card?
Hockridge?
Cooper Hotchfimmel.
Hotchfield?
Hurblergurg?
Colterstrong?

Cat incessantly meowing at me
Cami: I don't know what you're saying.
Cat continues to meow
Makenna (from a different room, with the door shut): I'm weak.  That is so funny.  You said, "I don't know what you're saying."
Silence
Makenna starts cracking up

Cami: I'm not even a catch.  I'm jobless and homeless.

Darren: What are the cards?
Douglas: Conspirator
Cami: Conspirator?! I think I'm gonna like this game.

Cami: Gristen!
Griffin: Hmm.
Cami: I just wanted to see if you would still respond to that name.
Griffin: Mmm.

Dad: I'm gonna go check my blood.
Cami: I'm gonna go put more sugar in my blood.
Mariah: Ha! Me.

Maren: Are you married?
Cami: No.
Maren: I don't know.  You tend to do stuff in stealth mode.

Griffin: Instead of chewing my food, I put it in my cheek and punch myself in the face.

And here is the survey (click on the picture):

Thanks in advance!

How To Make Bad Life Decisions

If you are one of those people that thinks (often), "I don't know what I'm doing," you're definitely not alone.  I never know what I'm doing.  And that means that my life is always a mess.  I go from one place to another and make bad life decisions all along the way.  For example, I changed the layout/theme of my blog.  And I hate it, but it has things on it that I like better than the other themes.  And because I don't remember all the stuff from learning HTML, I can't really just make my own theme.  Because I don't know what I'm doing.

Anyway, a lot of people have been asking how I am doing and how my new job is.  So I am writing this to let everyone know that I make bad life decisions.

How To Make Bad Life Decisions

1. Decide to move to a different state

First, I have been trying to move out of Utah since I got there.  I don't like Provo.  I'm not good at Provo life.  I don't belong in that bubble.  Also, my winter depression has gotten increasingly worse.  This was a bad year for me.  So, I moved home.  

I am currently rooming with my 15-year-old brother.  (Who I'm pretty sure has some parts of life more figured out than I do, but definitely not all.)  I have a suitcase and 20 hangers in his closet.  And the rest of my stuff from my apartment is now in the garage.  So, I'm totally mooching off my dad.  Sorry Dad.

2. Quit all jobs

Obviously, I had to leave my job in Utah because I moved to Arizona.  I did really well at applying for jobs while I was still in Utah and even set up a few interviews.  I was offered two jobs.  And then I turned both of them down.  Because I make bad life decisions.  Stupidly, the first was stressing me out, and I acted out of anxiety and stress.  The second was on weekends and evenings, and because I thought that I maybe needed a social life to have good mental health, I turned it down.  I turned down two jobs because of my dumb mental health.  I guess it's a real thing.

3. Get in an accident while moving

For two weeks before I even moved down to Arizona, I had tried/wanted to cry at least every other day.  (I decided to quit my job two weeks after my apartment contract ended, so I was living on people's couches.  Thanks Cherise, Sarah, Emma, and Hannah.)  The best way I have ever found to make myself cry is to have car troubles.  So, by some fluke thing, I don't even know, I ended up crashing my car.  I promise that I am not a bad driver.  And I should have had time to stop.  It probably had something to do with the unusual amount of weight being contained due to moving all my useless belongings.

I did really well not to cry until all my paperwork was processed by the police and a tow truck called.  And then my body finally let me cry.  But this also meant that I didn't have a car to use for a while.

4. Start taking classes

If you make really bad life decisions, you know how to make high expense purchases while making no money.  I started my online Masters program the week before I moved to Arizona.  So, I was doing homework in random parks between work and going to bum on couches.  Yeah, I could have just stayed in my office at work, I guess.  That's beside the point.  The point is that taking classes means I have tuition, and that is kinda price-y.

5. Buy your sister's car

After I had told my work I was leaving, but before I had left, my sister and I had worked out a deal to buy her car.  In cash.  If I hadn't already been making bad life decisions, this one was great.  My sister was moving out of the country, and I wanted a car.  That was my own.  And then I could stop mooching off my dad (ha, what a joke).  I guess this one was a blessing when the car I have been using stopped working (refer to picture in #3).

So Why, Cami?  Just Why?

Well, I don't know.  I used to be such a logical person.  But then I started living.  Everyone's gotta make bad decisions at some point.  So, I'm sorry to everyone that I left in Utah.  I'm sorry to the people who have to take care of me in Arizona.  Sorry to all the people in North Carolina that I don't know how to help because of Florence.  I'm sorry for not knowing how to answer anyone's questions about my new job because I feel like a failure.  I'm sorry if I have lied or stretched the truth.  I'm sorry for being dumb.  I'm sorry for being a disappointment.  And I'm sorry to myself, who is going to read this in six months, when I'm doing just fine, and think, "What a whiney baby."  #firstworldproblems #stupidmillenial

But hey! Now I can go on adventures and try to make better decisions!  My life can get better from here.  I am trying.  Even if there is no such thing as trying.  I am putting in effort that currently isn't giving me any results.  So take this as you will.  Cami is dumb? Cami sure knows how to have an adventurous life?  Cami is never going anywhere in life?  Cami's gonna be a great author someday?  You choose.  It's gonna be an interesting next 70-ish years for me.

Something that I heard once was, "I exist, and I can be better."  What a statement.  It fits.

The Plight of the Millenials

Everyone likes to make fun of millenials.  Even millenials make fun of millenials.  However, sometimes it's just rude.  I went to church this week--surprise!  Just kidding, I go to church every week.  Usually.  I went to a different congregation this week, and it was rough.  Rough, I tell ya.

During the Sunday school, we talked about Solomon and the Proverbs.  Since there are so many Proverbs about beating your son with a rod, aka disciplining your child, we talked about disciplining one's child.  For about ten minutes of this discussion, there was a great bash on millenials.  My brother, my stepsister, and I were all sitting in a row, three hopeless millenials.  We listened as millenials were said to not have the ability to discipline children.  One man began to say that all generations were criticized by the generations before.  And then a woman interrupted and said, "But this generation really is messed up.  The next generation is going to have to fix everything."  And then the man promptly agreed.

Another few comments were about the bad work ethic of millenials.  We apparently don't know how to work either.  Once, I turned to my brother and stepsister and said, "We might as well just give up now."  After another comment, my brother made a sign with his hand as if he was shooting himself.  Guess we aren't worth it.

At another point, some of the people started using the term "snowflake" to describe all millenials.  First, this is a political term, not generational.  Second, it's a rude and kind of de-humanizing word.  Therefore, why are we using this in church?  Why do we think that it's okay to be so rude while pretending to be like Jesus?  It's not.

For all those people who have such a lack in faith in Millenials, I just want to share a little about myself.  I am a millenial, and I bet you already could guess.  I work with adolescents, and part of my job, in fact most of my job, is disciplining children and teaching them how to have better relationships with people.  Many of these adolescents have parents who are in their 50s, 60s, and 70s.  A great percentage of the staff that work with these students are millenials.  So, I would guess that it isn't necessarily millenials that don't know how to discipline children.  Yeah, we can't beat with a rod anymore, but we can sure use other methods.

And for all those who have had experiences like this at church, I'm sorry.  If Jesus had been in that lesson, he wouldn't have said those things.  He would remind us that the Atonement can help anyone who is willing.  We are all people who have something to work on.  I know I could be a little nicer and could do better to think really hard about what is going to come out of my mouth and then don't let it come out.  I don't go to church for the people.  If I did, I would have stopped going a long, long time ago.   I still believe that Jesus is good.  And He can help us, even when his disciples sometimes make mistakes.  I'm trying hard to be nice.  And I know this blog probably isn't the nicest anyway.  I will repent later.

June and July are Somewhat Quotable

Sorry, some quotes are better than others.  And there are a few inside jokes from my family in here.

Cami: Then poop hit the ceiling.

Cami: Will you walk with me to the stake center?  With this between us?
Landon: That is a weird way to ask someone to help you carry a cooler.

Ally: I really like that everything is covered in cheese. Or dead animal.

Julia: Happy Fathers' Day.  You're a tool.

Cami: Guess I won't call Dad for Fathers' Day since I can't give him any better news.

Kailon: But stinky we don't have access to that shed anymore.
Cami: Stinky we don't.

Griffin: Where is Subatomic Zero?

Emmett: We were trying to come up with names for Cherise's future children. Chysanthemummianog.
Cherise: Or Runta.
Emmett: Chrysanthemummianog's favorite phrase is, "What the henchickenabobby?"

Griffin: Then crap hits the flan.

Griffin: What if someone waxed their beard?
Cami: Then that would hurt really bad.
Cherise: Yeah.
Emmett: Then you would die instantly.

Cami: Meaty, not needy.
Griffin: That's what I said.
Cami: M-E-A-I-T
(long pause)
Cami: M-E-A-T-Y
Griffin chuckling: I didn't even realize.

Emmett: Come on hay boy.

Emmett: Come on Idaho man.

Emmett: Come on Canada. You can do it.  I believe in you.  I think they're drunk.
Cami: I think you're drunk.

Noah: I bet you're going to marry Emmett.
Cami: Ew. Gross.
Ashley: Emmett is her brother.
Noah: Ohhhh.

Emmett: It's scary 'cause when you have a baby, you could sleep and roll over them and they would die.  And Shaq could do that with his wife.

Griffin: You should teach it, so you can learn it to other people.

Emmett: Gyptian War.
Griffin: Egyptian War?
Emmett: Gyptian.
Cami: It's like you have gumption.  But not quite.
Emmett: No. Gyptian. It's when everyone gets two cookies, but you only get one.  Gyptian.

Griffin: The back of your head just looks stupid.
Cami: Well you look stupid from the front.
Cherise busts up laughing
Cherise: It's not even funny, but I'm laughing.

Cami: If that's what love is, I don't want it.

Reading about Moroni becoming a leader
Scripture: And he was only twenty and five years old
Cami (bitterly): Well good for him!

Rachel: Lighghee for prez.

Cami: I like the stick of butter.  It looks like a piece of poop.
(Cherise and Cami crack up)

Emmett: Beep.
Cherise: Same.

Cami: Grandpa, give me a Jack.
Grandpa: How about four tens?
Cami: Okay, well that was rude.

Grandpa: I'm trying to hurt Cami, but she's irrehurtable.


Also, if anyone wanted to know how the hugging experiment went, it didn't.  It failed.  Miserably.  That's it.

How to Be a Bad Roommate

Tonight I came home to this.

An empty, open soap bottle.  Now what would you think if you're roommate left this?  Maybe you have bad thoughts running through your head.  Maybe you don't. I don't know.  But I was instantly glad that my roommate hadn't gotten home yet because this was my fault.  But then, there was a lot that went into leaving this bottle here.  It wasn't just me being lazy.  If you want a long story to read, here is the process of how I refilled the soap bottle.

First, I opened the bottle, so I could use a little bit of soap to wash my hands.  I dried my hands on my towel and then opened the cupboard underneath the sink to find the refill bottle.  I saw that there was a little bit left and thought that I should put that on my grocery list, but where was my phone?  So, I went into my bedroom to find my phone.  And I pulled up my grocery list.  I saw that "muffin tin" was still on there and deleted because I didn't need that anymore.  But, I did need some cereal and milk.  Oh shoot, I should go to the store, so I can get food, so I don't starve tomorrow.  So, I hopped in the car and decided to go pick up my bike from my step sister's place before getting food because then I just have to make one trip around town.  So, I got my bike.  And then I went to the grocery store.  I saw a coworker there that I don't interact with much because we never are in the same place at the same time.  And then, I got my groceries.  I drove home and, lo and behold, the coworker lives in the same apartment complex as me.  So, I took my groceries in and laughed to myself about how random the encounters with my coworker had been.  And after putting my groceries away, I went back outside to get my bike out of my trunk and put it at the bike rack.  Then my friends saw me and asked me if I wanted a ride to Institute, so I said yeah and went to Institute for an hour.  And I ate dinner at the church building with my friends.  When I got home, there was something that I was wanting to look up on Instagram.  And so I sat on the couch and looked at Instagram pictures and saw a study on sleep and was starting to read it, but my internet is slow and wouldn't load, so I thought that maybe I should just go to sleep.  I started getting ready for bed and went to brush my teeth.  I found myself, once again, at the sink and realizing that I had forgotten to write soap on my grocery list and to buy it from the store.  And I had forgotten to ever refill the soap bottle.  I finally filled the bottle of soap.

Moral of the story: Your bad roommate might not be lazy or intentionally leaving all the dirty work to you.  He/she may just not know how to remember anything.

Also, fun fact, my aunt told me this weekend that I take forever to tell stories.  It's probably because the simplest act of filling up a soap bottle takes three and a half hours, so my stories just go along with how long the events took place.

Fun fact #2 You know how I said in the story that I should probably go to sleep?  I just spent another half an hour typing up this story.  Why?  I don't know this story was necessary for my blog.  But sometimes my brain says that maybe I should do something, and then I lose track of what I actually should be doing.

The Hugging Experiment Reborn

Well, if you were feeling like I have neglected my duties of doing unnecessary, awkward social experiments, consider this a rejuvenated effort in my duties.  This isn't a new experiment, so sorry for the repeat.  I just thought that it might still be useful for me to get out of my comfort zone.  I have added a new rule and edited some old ones.  I don't actually think I will hug more people this time.  But we'll see.  I turn out to be wrong about 109% of the time, so bring it on.

For the month of July, I will accept hugs from people in accordance with the following rules:

1. If a person asks for a hug, I will give them a hug
2. Limit one hug per person per day
3. I have to reciprocate (aka no being my usual stiff board)
4. Unless you are being a creep, in which case, I will determine if it is necessary to punch you in the gut
5. I get to take a picture with you if you hug me.  It's a rule.  So, if you hug me every day, you get a picture every day.  If you don't want pictures, don't hug me.
6. I will record my thoughts at the end of the experiment.  I will post the pictures that I have consent from huggers to post.  And then you can be "blog famous."

Let the awkward hugging commence!

If you are in the above picture, thanks for being my roommates and putting up with my crazy antics.

My Favorite Type of Music is Christmas

In honor of halfway to Christmas, I wanted to share my love of Christmas music with everyone (with a hint of ranting).  My family listens to Christmas music whenever we feel like, whatever day of the year we see fit.  We don't wait for the Christmas "season." All year is our season.

This doesn't make us any less interested in the other holidays of the year.  Take the 4th of July for example.  I love the 4th of July.  I love my beautiful home of The United States of America.  I love that I have the freedom to live here and write my blog with whatever I want on it.  I have USA shirts, socks, and a hat.  I always put my hand to my heart and face the flag when the National Anthem is playing.  I love patriotic songs.  I listen for most of July.  (With a hint of Christmas music here and there.)

Take Thanksgiving for another example.  I play that music every now and then.  There are like three songs.  Maybe if there were more Thanksgiving songs, people wouldn't get so mad at me for playing Christmas songs.  I would totally play Thanksgiving songs.  I was going to write some, and then that didn't happen.

Anyway, back to people being mad at me for playing Christmas music.  Do you know how mad people get when they hear that I listen to Christmas music whenever I want?  So mad.  People get really defensive.  They have to tell me just how wrong it is that I do that.  They tell me I'm not allowed.  They tell me that I'm weird.  They go into their grand arguments about why I can't listen to Christmas music unless it is December.  People have told me, "It makes me too excited for Christmas."  This one is somewhat understandable.  I, too, get excited for Christmas.

But fun, jolly, present opening and Santa seems to be the only thing that people get out of Christmas music.  When I say that I listen to Christmas music all year, I definitely don't mean Jingle Bells, Frosty the Snowman, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, and all those other weird songs.  I don't even really like those ones too much.  I'm talking about Jesus music.  I listen to Jesus music.  When I say Christmas music, I mean And the Angels Cried, Joy to the World, and others like Angels from the Realms of Glory.

People don't believe me that I like to listen to Jesus music.  Who are they to judge how much I love Jesus?  Yeah, I have been rude to say in reply, "Sorry you don't like Jesus."  That was rude of me to say.  I just get upset when people think they can judge my relationship with Jesus.  It's true that people who love Jesus will be better, nicer people.  And maybe I'm not the nicest, but I love Jesus.  And I'm working on it.

Jesus saved me.  And not just from my sins.  I have been in some really dark places in my life.  And I have thought so many times that my life is not one that is worth being on this earth.  I have been so alone so many times.  I haven't been able to trust people around me for years at a time.  I have felt abandoned and hated.  I have been mocked and bullied.  I have had to take on responsibilities that I was not ready for.  But Jesus saved me.  He told me I was worth living.  He told me that He would carry my burdens.  He told me that He is the Light.  He is the Way.  And He is one of many guardian angels.  Have you ever heard any words sweeter or more filled with hope than the hymn "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day"?

And in despair I bowed my head:

"There is no peace on earth," I said,

"For hate is strong and mocks the song

Of peace on earth, good will to men."

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:

"God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;

The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,

With peace on earth, good will to men."

Till, ringing, singing, on its way,

The world revolved from night to day,

A voice, a chime, a chant sublime,

Of peace on earth, good will to men!

When people mock my joy of Christmas music, they mock the words that have given me strength.  I don't expect anyone to have the same love of Christmas music that my family and I have, but I just wish they would stop mocking.  I say it sometimes as a joke, so that other people don't have to make it a joke for me; it really is my favorite type of music.

Also in honor of halfway to Christmas, here are some awesome videos.

Quote-y Quotes

Quotes from the middle of March until the end of May

Cami: You just stared at your booger for five seconds.
Griffin: Yeah, what else would I do?
Cami: Throw it away.

Cami: Did you just toot on the cat?
Griffin: Yeah, it scared him.
(I later found out he was not the only one doing this.)

Astri: Guys, I've bee keeping this milk since *sniff*  blehhhhhhhh.

Cami: Do you want to see my dirty underwear?
Ami:  Yes.  Please.
(We found out there was a new style and I had already tried them out.  Nonetheless, I feel somewhat ashamed of myself for ever saying this.)

Johanna: Who put an umbrella over the cockroach?
Cami: That was me.
Johanna: Of course it was.

During a muddy, cold hike
Emmett: Help me Siri!

Roommate 1: Did you see how cute [certain boy] was at church?  I just couldn't stop staring at him.
Cami: Want to know who I couldn't stop staring at?
Roommates 1 &2: Who?!!
Cami: My dry legs! They're so flaky.

Lari: I just want to swim in this.
Cami: You'll be getting banana cake out of your britches for days.

Cami: How are the overalls working out for ya?
Cameron (showing the straps hanging down): Well they're more like underalls right now.

Emmett: He's a human butt.  He's literally a walking butt.

Emmett: The worst kind of correct is technically.

While looking at internet settings and trying to delete password history
Kailon: Betty Crocker has nine cookies.

Cami: We've got to get the coals.
Kailon: You mean the charcoal?
Cami: We'll get the char - coals.

Cami: Okay! We'll just...
Kailon: You're going to say something ridiculous.
Cami (whispered): We'll just starve.
Kailon: I always know you're going to say something ridiculous when you say, "Okay!"

Cami: I should probably see a therapist and get over it.
Carson: You could build a bridge and get over it.  An emotional bridge, but I don't know what you would use as building materials.
Cami: Because I don't have emotions.
Carson: Okay! Not what I meant.

Cami: Maybe we should end this relationship because it's kind of negative.
Elise: Cami just broke up with you.
Carson: We haven't even dated.

Emmett: And I left him a note that said, "Please stop. Thanks."

Coworker: How are you today?
Cami: Good.  (Then slightly to self) But I do regret my decision to come into work early today.
Kailon just busts up laughing

While flaking the rope after rappelling
Cami: Flaky, flaky.
Kailon: Buttery, flaky crisp.

Just a thought after climbing a little trail: Oh! I made it.  That's also probably what I'll say if I make it to heaven.

Elise: It feels like 70, but it's actually 70.

Cami: I need to grow out my hair.
2 minutes later
Cami: I have too much hair.

The Difference of A Year and A Half

I was thinking about my future today and all the things that I want to do (i.e. move from Utah, get married and have kids, and maybe start a business or become a college professor).  I want to be able work toward these things, but sometimes what we plan is not what is supposed to happen.  It's kind of rough when I realize that I had planned to be out of Utah a year and a half ago.  I was going to finish up my semester in December 2016 and head somewhere warm for my internship that started in January 2017.  Instead, I stayed in Utah and dealt with this:

I haven't really been able to figure out why I can't seem able to move.  Something is keeping me here that I don't know.  And it's bothersome.  However, I was thinking about all the things that have happened in the past year and a half.  I have mostly thought about all the people that I have gotten to know.  And there is no way that I can mention everyone, so bear with me.

I already had a great roommate that invited me to come to Sunday dinner with her family.  And during the start of 2017, I was able to keep going to Sunday dinners.  I had people who cared about me and wanted to know that I was doing well.

I got to do my internship with one of my best friends.  We went on bike rides together.  And because of her, I actually got an internship.

I started actually going to my ward and meeting people.  I met people who were okay with my dry and sometimes morbid humor.  I had people who were willing to hang out with me.  And these people helped me become a joke in the ward.

And then I moved.  But I stayed in the ward.  I got some really good roommates.  I have been on bike rides and rollerblading trips with these girls.  They have seen me cry and put up with my winter depression.  They heard my rants about my calling and how I hated it.  They told me that I was prideful and let me know I needed to do some better work.  And then they still loved me.  They tolerated my dead mom jokes.

In the Fall semester of 2017, I had a group of three friends that would spend time with me all the time.  I once said they were my best friends.  At times that I have said that if I was any color of crayon, I would be brown because it's no one's first choice in color, but once used, it makes all the other colors look good.  I didn't feel like a brown crayon with these friends.  And they still talk to me.  Even though they don't live by me anymore.

I unfortunately don't have a picture with them.

And I have thought about my experiences that I have had with being in Utah.  Because I have been in Utah, I have been close to my older sister and my younger brother.  I did a scavenger hunt type of event with my brother and step sisters this year.  And we had a good time.  I have been able to develop better relationships with my siblings in the last few months.

There have been times that I have been so alone and have had to deal with my inability to initiate conversations with people or inability to invite people over.  I have seen my weakness and have tried to be okay with it or have tried to get better at talking with people.  I've had the opportunity to try activities that I have never done.  I have gone to Temple Square and done "family history" with my brother.

I have gotten a cake from random people that actually wasn't half bad.  And it wasn't poisoned.

So, I guess being in Utah hasn't been as terrible as sometimes I think it is.  And I still almost cry that I am still here.  I know I will be here for at least a few months.  I guess we will see what happens.  Anything is possible?  When the Lord makes you stay somewhere, He looks out for you and makes it okay.

Thank you to everyone who I have had the opportunity to be friends with this past year and a half.  And thank you to the people that I will be friends with in the next few months.  I'm glad God has let me have you in my life.

Baby Face

I don't really have any great rants at the moment, but I figured a few of you would start asking me when my next blog post would be, so here I am.  I thought I would share a fun little story about work.

I sometimes give trainings to the new staff about what recreation therapy is and how we would like them to participate.  During my very first training, a new staff walked in late.  I was explaining a few things at the front of the classroom.  Then, we went outside to do a little recreation therapy of our own.  I did a task with them that I had done with my homes.

This task involves moving from one place to another by putting down rubber dots about 8" in diameter.  And the dot has to be touched by a person at all times or else the dot is taken away.  And as people forget to touch the dots, the numbers of dots dwindle.  It's a really great team-building and communication exercise.  And there are lots of other great things that one can learn from this.  Being aware of one's surroundings is really good too.

Anyway, after we did the task, we talked about how the group of new staff had to work together.  They processed some good stuff, and then we went back into the classroom to finish up my training.  I asked if anyone had any other questions.

The girl who came in late asked, "So what's your background in?"

I'm going to be honest, I always think people are dumb when they ask me this when they know that I am a recreation therapist.  But I thought that maybe she wanted to know how I was qualified to work in a treatment center.

I explained that I had worked at the very same treatment center while I was going to college, studying recreation therapy.  And I did my internship at a different treatment center and worked there for a little while before the position opened up at my current treatment center. So, I had a little over two years experience in the RTC setting.

Then she followed up with, "Oh, you just don't look old enough to work here."

Seriously?!

I don't even look 21?!  (That's the age you have to be to work here, by the way.)

How do I not look older than 20?  Look at those wrinkles. 
And squinty eyes.  Obviously my eyesight is going because of age.
Also, I totally have an old lady knee.
The teeth are real though.

You'd think I would just get used to it, but no.  Every time someone thinks that I'm a baby, I am surprised, and I want to punch something.  But hey, sometimes it gets me free ice cream.

General Conference Brings All the Emotions

My friend Jake was talking to me about my blog today, between sessions, and asked a question pertaining to me writing about General Conference.  I commented that I felt that I incorporated it into many of my posts.  And then I thought about how I could write a post about General Conference.  That is when Sunday Afternoon session hit.

In the Sunday Afternoon session, President Russell M. Nelson announced the deletion of Visiting Teaching.  If you can recall my last blog post "Quitting My Calling," you can probably guess my reaction.  I jumped off the couch, yelling "Yes! Yes!" My notebook went flying to the other couch and my pen to the wall across the room.  I landed and slowly sank to my knees: "thank you."  Next came the texts:

As I helped my roommate load stuff into her car during Elder Holland's talk, I thought about what a great day and age we live in.  We have so much work to do.  We are to minister to the people around them and, as Elder Massimo De Feo talked about, have "pure love" for those around us. I thought the words, "I have a work for you to do."  I looked up the phrase on lds.org, and wouldn't you know it, there is something from the previous General Conference about this phrase.  Elder John C Pingree Jr talked in October 2017 about each person having a role in building up the kingdom of God and developing our talents and relying on God to do so. Below is the very beginning of his talk.

There were lots of themes: covenants, temple work, family history, service, loving others, and others.  I still haven't seen the Saturday Morning session.  So, I'll be working on that.  Probably for the next 6 months.  I just finished the October 2017 General Conference a week and a half ago.  It was awesome.  And Neil L Andersen's "The Voice of the Lord" was incredible to listen to right before a new General Conference.  He talked about how each talk is inspire of the Lord and how the talks are not usually assigned.  Each conference contains themes that are much needed by the world during that time.  And with that said, I think the themes from this conference call for a lot of action and change, at least I know I need to change a lot.

And just for fun, here are some of my unofficial Conference Notes:

I invite you to read or watch the Conference messages for the next 6 months.  Do better than me.

Quitting My Calling

I just want to begin by stating that I am a sinner.  And that my ward is full of absolutely wonderful people.  Upon saying both of these things, I wanted to share an experience with you.  And yes, it's going to be super church-y.

On September 10, 2017, I received a calling that made my soul sink instantly.  My smile vanished.  I usually love meeting with members of the bishopric.  It fills me with hope and joy.  And this was not one of those times.  When I had heard that I was getting released from my previous calling--one that was stressful but that I loved--I was hoping and daring to dream that it would not be anything to do with Visiting Teaching.  And here I was, on the 10th of September, being asked to be a Visiting Teaching Coordinator.  And I said yes.

Why did I say yes?  Why?  Because I was taught that my leaders were given inspiration and that any calling can come from God and even if not totally from God, can still help us to come closer to Him and help others come closer to Him.  That, my friends, is why I said yes.  I said yes because I knew that it could be good.

I went home and cried.  And on that very day--September 10--I began to pray about my calling.  I prayed long.  I prayed hard.  I prayed with real intent.  I prayed to know why God wanted me in that calling and how I could use my personality to help the girls in my ward.  And I listened.  I wrote things down.  I honestly tried to understand.  When October came around, I was able to apply my plea to General Conference talks.  I scoured the contents for answers to my prayers.

As the weeks went by, I shared my concerns about the calling and visiting teaching, in general.  For the first few weeks, I was told that my different point of view was good.  I was told that it was good to know why girls struggled to do visiting teaching.  I was also told that because I had a hard time seeing how my personality fit into this calling, I didn't know who I was.  I was told that I was listening to Satan.  I was told that I needed to pray; I needed to talk to God more and figure out who I am.

And then, as I continued to cry and pray over my calling, my burden lifted.  I believed I could do it.  I did my calling.  I had a few months in which I was okay with my calling.  I knew that I was putting in effort and that that was okay with God.  And I was no longer being rebuked.

I had also found comfort in the words from President Dieter F Uchtdorf from his talk in October:

That's when January hit.  January brought a new "vigor" to visiting teaching.  Relief Society lessons began to be about visiting teaching.  The lessons began to be about how we weren't doing visiting teaching.  And my attitude turned sour again.  My concerns came back, and I voiced them.  (If I have learned something from this experience, it might be that if I have concerns, I really shouldn't say so.)  I began to be rebuked again.  Every Sunday, I would go home and cry and pray.  I prayed long.  I prayed hard.  I prayed with real intent.

I began telling myself that sometimes magnifying one's calling means saying, "I'll try again this week."  Which didn't really help because then people started quoting Yoda to me: "Do or do not; there is no try."  With Yoda's words on mind, I began telling myself that my efforts were doing nothing.  The thought that I had given in Relief Society about aiding people through visiting teaching was doing nothing.  The survey I had created to track visiting teaching was doing nothing.  My desire to truly help others and make sure they were doing alright was doing nothing.  My efforts were a waste.

However, I continued.  I returned to the words of President Uchtdorf and made choices.  I prayed about the sisters that I visit taught.  I asked God about what their needs were.  I asked about how I could help my supervisors.  I asked people how I could help them.

I think this is the part where we should remember that I am a sinner.  I started comparing myself to my roommate.  My roommate is one of the most wonderful people who anyone has ever met.  She serves everyone and is outgoing and talks to people and listens to them.  And everyone loves her.  I saw that people thanked her all the time.  People brought her cards of thanks.  People would talk about her in Relief Society as a good example.  People commented about how she had two demanding callings and that she went above and beyond on both.  And I thought about myself.  I was selfish.  And that's what people were saying to me. I would voice my concerns about my calling, and I was told I was selfish and prideful and that I had a bad attitude and a bad perspective.  I compared my chastisements with my roommate's praises.  I began to see that I was nothing.  And this continued for about a month.

During that month, I happened to ask my bishop if I could be released.  He said no.  And I asked him why.  And he gave me reasons that I don't necessarily find important to share with everyone.  So, I tried again.  (But remember Yoda.  He was still in the back of my mind.)

Eventually, I stopped comparing myself to my roommate.  I renewed my efforts to find and meet the needs of the girls in Relief Society.  I think this is a good time to remind you, again, that I'm sinner; I'm not very good at helping anyone.  Which is a good time to remind myself of this:

I prayed again.  Long.  Hard.  Real intent.  As the weeks continued, Relief Society stayed on the topic of how we were doing awfully with visiting teaching.  It came to a point that we were told the percentages and that they were a "failing grade."  I commented that our ward is so good.  And I truly believe that.  My ward is awesome.  The people in my ward serve each other so much.  We know who needs help, even if we don't visit teach those people.  We know where people are when they aren't at church.  We know if they need more love than usual.  And my comment was shut down.  And we were asked why our visiting teaching was failing so bad?

Under my breath, I said, "Because the visiting teaching coordinator SUCKS!"

I left Relief Society early.  I sat in the hall and cried.  Never had any calling made me feel so worthless.  I don't cry, and this calling has provoked my crying nearly every Sunday for 7 months.  I tried.  I had truly tried.

I went to the Bishop and said, "Can I please, please, please, please, please, please, please be released from my calling?"  And he said yes.

I felt a burden lifted from my shoulders.  I felt peace.  And I know I didn't give a good explanation to my bishop for why I should be released.  But he let me quit anyway.  So, yes, I quit.  Let it be known that Cami is a quitter.  Can you depend on  her?

As of right now, I don't really know why I had that calling.  And part of me still believes that I didn't help anyone.  I also feel really judged.  I think that I am seen as a quitter and that I lack faith.  In the long run, it doesn't matter because God knows my heart.  And I'm sorry if you have ever felt judged by me.  God knows your heart.  He knows your struggles and concerns.  He just wants to see you try.  And I don't care if there isn't a such thing as trying because I believe in it.  We can put in effort and not see the fruits of our labors.  Pretty much that's my life.  I don't know if I do anything good, but I try.  I want to do what God wants me to do.  And I need to stop caring if people think I am doing good.  People are mean.  But they are good at the same time.

Just a few more notes, some things that really helped me get through the last 7 months (besides the October 2017 General Conference, praying, crying, and reading my scriptures) are the following:

• The mormon message "The Will of God"
• The hymn "Come, Ye Disconsolate"
• The efy song "Glorious"
• Long, hot showers

Remember that if you don't think you are doing any good, God still cares about your choices.  You make a difference, and you are dear to Him.