The Mutual Game Part 6

It's been a rough week.  I went to my cousin's wedding, and a bunch of other things have been happening in my family that show me that people are moving on with their lives while I sit stupidly doing nothing of importance.  I also started my less awkward pictures on Mutual this week.  Because of the wedding and my Mutual account I have had a lot of conversations about me dating and putting on a good front.  Some things that have been said to me concerning my dating life are as follows:

• "Maybe you just need to be aggressive."
• "You need to put yourself out there."
• "You need to be more outgoing."
• "You should be less quiet."
• "You're showing that you have given up by putting your bad pictures up--people who want to get married would never show their bad pictures."
• "You're too sarcastic and negative."
• "Stop being sarcastic."
• "Don't say negative things about yourself on dates.  No one wants to be around negative people."

After being super depressed at my cousin's wedding and being told about how negative I am, I just thought and thought about why I am so negative, especially about getting married.  And I think it's because of what I have always struggled with: I feel like I constantly have to prove that I am good enough.  And not getting married is just another thing that shows me that I'm not good enough: that people don't like me or that something is blatantly wrong with me.  And I say it out loud.  I voice my concerns.  I say negative things about myself, so other people don't have to.  I subconsciously believe that if I say something poorly about myself and acknowledge my flaws, then the people that I say it to don't have to go and bad mouth me when I'm not there.  I say it before anyone else can.

I have no idea who is saying bad stuff about me, but I am around people enough (all the time--I'm hardly ever alone) that I know people are being rude about others.  And I'm sad to say that I have said a lot of bad things about a specific group of people.  I'm sorry, and I am working on it.  I have a lot that I am working on to forgive this group of people.  I need to make a lot of changes in my life and behavior.  But the things people say just solidify my beliefs about my own flaws in the eyes of others.

I kind of did this social experiment to prove myself.  Parts of me wanted to prove to some family members that I wasn't entirely useless and could get validation from other human beings and also prove to them that I know I am as useless as I think they think about me.  And because I'm miserable trying to prove myself, I ended my experiment early.  I deleted my Mutual account.  I deleted my Facebook account.  And hopefully I will do social experiments that change the way that I view myself and others.  I have a terrible view of the world.  And my [family member] would argue that that's exactly why I'm not married.  But oh well.  It's time to just be a better me.  I know I'm dumb to some people, but I'm also smart.  I know I'm not super useful, but I am somewhat useful.  I know I'm a burden, but I also lift.  And I know that people see me very poorly, but there is a great number of people who love me and think I'm awesome.  And I don't feel super narcissistic saying that.  And I'm sorry for not listening to the people who love me and tell me good things.

I just need to believe that other people like me just as much as I like me.  And not become a  narcissist, which is something I am afraid of being.