Miracles Great and Unexpected

This morning I was listening to Ronald Rasband's talk "Behold! I Am a God of Miracles." I listened with a particular miracle in mind that I have been praying for for a while. And Elder Rasband said, "Through faith, the miracle will come, though not necessarily on our timetable or with the resolution we desired. Does that mean we are less than faithful or do not merit His intervention? No. We are beloved of the Lord. He gave His life for us, and His Atonement continues to release us from burdens and sin as we repent and draw close to Him."

He continued to share a few examples of how people have received miracles that they were not expecting or received a different miracle than what they had hoped. Among these examples was an example of those who mocked Christ to come off the cross, which he could have done and would have been a miracle. The greater miracle was the fact that He stayed on that cross and suffered death, so that all humans could live again and be free of the sins and stains of this world. It was a much greater miracle than what the people taunted.

The day I get married will be a miracle. Nothing short of Divine miraculous wonder will be the day I get married. And I pray for that miracle. In the past few years though, I have found that my not being married is actually more miraculous than if I currently were married. It hurts sometimes, but I know that it is the will of God. I thought of the miracles I have seen in the last few years. I want to share a few things that have happened. And this might be very personal to some of the people who read my blog, but I want to let you know that I have been truly blessed because of you.

I have been told an inordinate number of times in my life that I was either the reason someone did not kill themselves or was the reason they were glad that their attempts were not successful. I have had the opportunity to be there at times when people were seriously contemplating killing themselves. This has happened in my work and in my personal life. And in many of these cases, if I were married, I most likely would not have been there for those people. Maybe someone else could have or would have been there, but for some reason God let me. And I'm so glad that He did.

I have seen so many of these friends, family, and patients continue with life and have greater joys come into their life because they continued on. And I have received so much joy from them. I am able to see several of you experience the great happinesses and adventures that life has to offer, and because of that I also receive happiness.

So as Rasband's talk wrapped up, I found myself standing in front of my bathroom mirror crying. I stared at the crazy-haired girl that sometimes feels aimless and wishes for different circumstances, and I realized that I was a miracle. I, a single girl, am a miracle. And I just stared and cried and realized how much I am. Lots of times we think miracles are for changing what's going on, but really the miracles are the fact that we are able to do so much. The miracle is that Jesus Christ died and suffered in Gethsemane for us and made it possible for us to access His power and find peace and joy. The miracle is that we sometimes see just how much power God gives us and how many people are allowed to come into our lives. Sometimes the miracle is that we find worth in ourselves.

I know I don't look like much. I know that this is a terrible picture of me. However, it's literally what I was staring at as I was crying to myself this morning about wanted and unreceived miracles and unexpected yet heart-wrenching and -warming miracles.

You are a miracle. Even if you take awkward bathroom selfies and have crazy hair. You are a miracle because you are His and have the capability of accessing the power of God and the Atonement of Jesus Christ. You are a miracle because you choose to keep on moving forward. You are a miracle.

Your Mom

Last year, I did a survey about Mother's Day.  There were two questions: 1) Do you like Mother's Day? and 2) Why?  Twenty-five people answered my survey, and about 1/3 of people said they did not like Mother's Day, and two people said they were indifferent.  I wanted to share a few insights from that survey.  All answers were anonymous, so I don't even know who wrote what.

Disliking Mother's Day

• "I have a terrible relationship with my mother."

• "My mother passed away when I was six. The day represents loss for me."

• "I feel it's a mockery when my mom is dead, and my stepmom is manipulative and doesn't give a damn about us."

• "Everyone gets so caught up trying to value motherhood as a universal truth for all women. Not everyone will be a mom or wants to be a mom. For that group of women, mother's day sucks."

• "Because I miss my mom. A lot. And the constant reminders that she isn't there kinda really hurt."

• "It makes me sad and feel insecure as a Mother"

Liking Mother's Day

• "It's the day we're encouraged to celebrate the people who are so often the invisible foundations of our lives."

• "My mom is one of my favorite people on this Earth. I appreciate any day that I can shower her with some of the love and presents she deserves."

• "People don't often show appreciation for their mothers and take them for granted."

• "Because moms are the best"

• "Because motherhood is something unique. When you become a mom your world is not the same and you no longer belong to yourself."

• "Motherhood is so selfless and too many people look over how important it is. Even for those who do not have good biological examples of motherhood, there are so many women who help mother us and should also be honored and recognized for that."

Take it as you will.  There was only one thing that I wanted to address that was brought up among someone who likes Mother's Day.  They said that people who have lost children make Mother's Day feel less special when they also want to be celebrated.  I whole-heartedly disagree with this.  If a mother has lost a child, that does not take away any of the work that that mother has given.  That does not erase the fact that she is a mother.

With all that said, I feel that I have grown quite a bit since last Mother's Day.  Last year, I believed that my mother hated me.  And so I had very hard feelings toward my mother last year.  And because she is gone, I cannot ask her.  This year, I don't believe she hated me.  I believe that I was a rough child to have, but I don't think she hated me.  I think as we live life, there are just things that we have to learn and that we eventually can overcome through time and help.  I still am not the greatest fan of Mother's Day, but I'm not as depressed about it this year as I was last year.  I'm still going to have to grow more to be okay with Mother's Day.

I appreciate everyone's honest answers.  I hope you are all doing well.  

Genuine Kindness

I know I'm not the daughter that my mom wished of having.  I'm still a mess.  I'm still the wild child, the daredevil with cuts and bruises, the kid who says inappropriate things and makes jokes at inappropriate times, and the kid who riles her siblings.  However, I would hope that someday I could emulate at least one of my mom's attributes: genuine kindness.  My mom tried to be inclusive of everyone, no matter what they said, what they looked like, or what they believed.  My mom sought out the forgotten and encouraged her children to do the same as well.  My mom reached out to those who needed a little extra help, comfort, or compassion.  And I try to do the same.  I believe that all people are deserving of kindness.  You never know how much someone's life will change because one person believed in them or showed them that they are worth of being loved.

My mom strove for genuine kindness for others and inclusion for all.  I know my mom wasn't perfect, but she was a good person.  Happy Birthday Mom!

P.S. This is literally the only picture I have of my mom and me.  If anyone has digital copies of pictures of my mom that I can have, could you send them to me?  Please and thank you.

When You Feel Hopeless, Worthless, or Want Life to End

Dear [Insert Your Name],

Hi, my name is Cami.  If you are reading this, that means I care for you, at least a little bit.  You could be my best friend, my family member, or someone I have met a few times.  You could be a complete stranger--I care for you nonetheless.  I write this letter because the majority of the people I know have felt this way.  I have never had a friend or family member commit suicide; however, I have had many friends and family contemplate and attempt it.  I also have many family and friends who have felt hopeless.  This is a letter to anyone who has suicidal thoughts and/or general thoughts of hopelessness and worthlessness.

I want to let you know that you matter.  And you have impacted my life and the lives of others.  I want you to know that I believe in God.  If you don't believe in God, this isn't me trying to preach to you.  This isn't me saying that this letter isn't for you.  I may say some things in here God-related, but my personal message to you remains the same whether or not you are religious: you make a difference.

I want you to know what you have done for me.  Because of you, I have learned how to embrace my spontaneity and be carefree.  Because of you, I have learned that I am loved.  Because of you, I realized that my life is important.  Because of you, I have learned that weakness can be strength.  Because of you, I have learned that honesty can be healing, even when it is sometimes hard to hear.  I have found friends.  I have opened my heart.  I have felt love for others.  I have laughed so hard.  You really are super funny.  Because of you, I have understood that there is more to life than school and work.  Because of you, I have spared my own life.  You are the one that made my life worth living.  And you were the one that helped me feel hope.  You made me glad to see another day.  Thank you.

There will be people in your life that will make you feel unwanted.  Sometimes those people can be the ones we love the most.  And it hurts so much.  That can change.  They can change.  What you face right now won't be forever.  Giving up now could take away years and years of wonderful things.  I know that because I have lived that.  For all the times I wanted to give up, there were several better things that came my way.  I wouldn't have known if I had actually given up.

God loves you.  And He loves you infinitely more than you can imagine.  He knows infinitely more of your worth than you know.  He knows that you can be something special.  And He has the power to help you become that.

I don't know if any of this will make anyone feel any better.  Although I wrote this with many people in mind, I also wrote this letter for myself.  There are lots of days when I have to remind myself to keep going.  That I am not worthless.  I have to remind myself that I am not actually ruining everyone's lives or making everyone's lives more difficult (though it may be a few).  It's still going to be hard sometimes or a lot of times.  In the end, you really do matter.  You have something to offer this world.

And you have made my life better.

You have made me better.

Sincerely,
And with a bit of love,
Cami

P.S. If ever you need someone to talk to, I am here.  I love when people invite me to talk with them.  And more likely than not, it will help me to not feel hopeless and worthless as well.

The Worst Adventure Ever

Four years ago, I was in North Carolina.  I was starting my mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  If you are Mormon, you have probably heard the saying, "The best two years."  This refers to a person's mission being the best years of their life.  My mission was anything but my best years.  As I see Facebook posts about people remembering how awesome their missions were, I find myself trying to forget things that happened on my mission.  I tell myself to let it go.  I tell myself to forget my mission and move on with my life; it's holding me back.  I guess this post is a way I am trying to do that.  I need to let the memories stop haunting me and enabling me to feel pity for my past.  Bad things happen to everyone, why should I let mine keep me from being happy?  Why should I feel bad?  I am not an exception.  People move on, so should I.

Before moving on, if you are contemplating serving a mission, I just want to remind you of one thing:  you will be a representative of Christ.  This means that you will be "despised and rejected of men" and "acquainted with grief" (Isaiah 53:3).  Are you ready to be hated?  Because I can promise you that you will be hated.  You will be told to go to Hell.  People will slam doors in your face.  But, I also want to remind you that as a representative of Jesus Christ, you are also charged with the care of a companion.  This, my friends, is what I want to share with you.

Again before moving on, I want to apologize to all of my companions.  I know that I can be difficult to live with.  I don't love people in the same ways that others love.  I don't give hugs and say, "I love you."  I tried to be better.  I know that some of you did not feel love in the way that you would have wanted.  I am sorry for that.  I do my best to love everyone and treat them as human beings.  I apologize if I failed.  I want you to know that I did not hate you.  Okay, now we can move on.

If you don't know already, as a child, I had a lot of suicidal thoughts.  The thing that kept me from killing myself was a fear of Hell--and then later, knowing that Heavenly Father loves me and has a purpose for me.  These thoughts were common in junior high and slowly faded away throughout high school.  I was greatly blessed with these thoughts being taken away.  Not everyone will have that.  Some people have these thoughts persist their entire lives.  Somehow I was lucky.  Anyway, by the time I got my mission call, I wasn't having suicidal thoughts anymore.

My sister served a mission at the same time as me.  She had started her mission 6 weeks before me, and ended 6 weeks before me.  When I saw her for the first time after my mission, we embraced and I said to her, "I hope your mission was better than mine."

During the last two weeks of my mission, I prayed every night that the Lord wouldn't let me wake up.  I prayed that it would be my last day.  This is how I had come to deal with my suicidal thoughts.  I thought that instead of acting on these thoughts, I should put it in the hands of the Lord.  I knew that if He kept me alive, there was still more that I needed to accomplish in life.  If he let me die, I would finally be taken from my miseries.  Here is why I had suicidal thoughts on my mission.

I felt that my companions hated me.  I felt this way because I was told that I was unlovable.  I was told I was like a ball and chain, "I hate you," and that it was my fault that things went wrong.  I was reminded that it was my lack of faith keeping us from finding people to teach.  (Which also made me question my faith.)  I was accused of being "trunky" (a word which here means mentally AWOL while being physically present) because I mentioned death near the end of my mission.  In reality, I had had three family members die while I was on my mission.  So death was just something that I thought about.  Often.  It still is.

The doubt and awful feelings for myself increased throughout my mission.  I questioned my faith.  I questioned whether or not I was actually a good person.  I began to wonder how I was such a terrible person that all of my companions hated me.  I tried to serve my companions to let them know that I was trying to not be awful.  I tried to get out of their way when I knew that they hated the way I did things.  I just didn't understand.  I didn't know how when I tried so hard, I still ended up hated.  I still couldn't do things right.  The harder I tried the worse I was.  I was nothing.

Serving a mission is hard.  You have to constantly think of others and serve them.  You have to be willing to be hated.  During those 18 months, I told myself over and over, "I am not serving my mission for my companions, I am serving it for the Lord."  The Lord is the one who trusted me.  I forgot to see that.  I learned a lot about Jesus Christ.  I learned to love people.  My mission taught me that Jesus Christ is there in every small thing.  He wants His children to know Him.  My relationship with Him increased.  Even though I failed at trying to be kind to companions and loving them in the way they feel love, Jesus Christ loved me and them.

My mission is something I try to forget, but I try to remember my relationship with Christ.  When I forgot about myself and remembered what I was doing, I was truly happy.  Serving God's children is one of the best callings ever.  He knows what He is doing, even when we don't.  I would totally recommend serving a mission if you want to know God.  Just know that serving a mission comes with a price.  Are you willing to pay that price?  I'll let you know that the price is much less than the worth.  God loves you.  He knows you.  Even when you feel worthless and that you can't get better, He loves you.  He will help you be truly happy.  His happiness is like no other happiness on earth.

Go with God

Eternal Families Awareness Month

May is here again.  And you know what that means: Eternal Families Awareness Month.  Okay, maybe you didn't know that that is what May meant.  And, I didn't really think about it until on the 1st of May when my brother sent a text to the family saying, "Happy eternal families awareness month!"

Sometimes I pretend like this month doesn't really affect me.  I actually wanted to start this blog post by saying, "Why I don't have feelings."  But, as I thought about it, I guess I do have feelings.  But, I don't think the feelings are quite what people would expect.  I don't really know how to miss my mom anymore.  In fact, I don't even remember much about her.  She's been gone for so long, I don't really remember what it is like to have a mom.  So, the sad feelings aren't really there.  Which probably sounds really awful, but death just doesn't phase me anymore.  Death has become hope.

Death is hope.  That probably sounds really awful and slightly suicidal.  Let me tell you why death is hope.  First, here is a video.  Want to know how many times I have watched this?  I don't even know; it's too many times to keep track of.

Because of Jesus Christ, I will see my mom again.  I will see my grandma again.  I will see my aunt again.  I will see my great grandparents again (yeah, all except one was alive when I was born, so I got to know some of my great grandparents).  I'll get to see my friends again.  My family members will get to see their friends again.  Basically, death is the most awesome family reunion you could ever imagine.  Just joking, you can't even imagine it.  Unless you are a lot more righteous than me (which isn't hard to do.)

I also believe that through Jesus Christ, we have power on this earth to keep our families forever.  It is through the temple that we receive this promise and are able to use this power.  My family has done so, so I know that I will be part of my family still forever.

Death is hope.  This doesn't mean I actively try to die, but when the time comes, I will openly embrace it and thank Heavenly Father for my time on earth.  I will say thank you that I will be able to see my family again.  I will say thank you for taking care of me and taking care of my family.  God loves you.  Don't you forget it.  He knows what He is doing even when we have a hard time believing so.  He wants us to feel His love.  He loves you.

P.S. I promised myself I wouldn't draw attention to struggles May brings in my life, but I think this message is good.  I want to share the hope that I find in May.

Why Should We Mourn

As many of you know, I opened my mission call on March 1.  I will be serving in the North Carolina Raleigh mission.  I report May 22. 

And, since I will be serving a mission, I have been reading Preach My Gospel.  Today I was reading the second lesson which is about the plan of salvation.  One sentence on page 52 sums up an experience that I had last year.  The sentence reads, "Those who chose to obey God in this life live in a state of happiness, peace, and rest from troubles and care."  The very last part about rest is the part that pertains to my experience.  I will now provide my experience.

Why Should We Mourn

During my summer term at Brigham Young University in 2011, I learned that my brother’s friend had died, and my roommate’s brother’s friend had also died.  It reminded me that my family had known at least eight people who died in the first three months of the year.  I also learned that my siblings were struggling with the new step family.  My dad had only been remarried for a month.  I just felt so much sorrow for my siblings.

 So, as I knelt to pray that night, I was just so sad.  I was crying before I got the second sentence out.  During my prayer, I wanted to ask when my family would get a break.  Why can’t they just go without trial for a few months?  All I could do was think it; the words never came out of my mouth.  The words were impossible to say.  A new thought, or pair of thoughts, repeated in my mind.  The first thought was, “Rest doesn’t come until after death.”  I knew that; I just wanted to fight it.  Couldn’t my family just have a little rest?  The answer is no.  Rest comes after death.

The second thought was the first half of the second verse of the hymn “Come, Come Ye Saints”: “Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard?  ‘Tis not so; all is right.  Why should we think to earn a great reward if we now shun the fight?”

This life is not hard; we only think it is.  We are weak mortals, yet our spirits are so strong.  There is no reward in heaven if we give up now.  So, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back in the battle.

That is the one time that I remember actually getting words as revelation.  I always like to then add the last line of the second verse, but with a little twist.

“We will, by golly, have a tale to tell.  All is well, all is well!”

Conclusion

I love all of you.  I have found that if we are obedient in this life, we will have peace.  Peace eventually comes, but don't give up now.  Don't shun the fight.

Love,

Cami