I was thinking about my future today and all the things that I want to do (i.e. move from Utah, get married and have kids, and maybe start a business or become a college professor). I want to be able work toward these things, but sometimes what we plan is not what is supposed to happen. It's kind of rough when I realize that I had planned to be out of Utah a year and a half ago. I was going to finish up my semester in December 2016 and head somewhere warm for my internship that started in January 2017. Instead, I stayed in Utah and dealt with this:
I haven't really been able to figure out why I can't seem able to move. Something is keeping me here that I don't know. And it's bothersome. However, I was thinking about all the things that have happened in the past year and a half. I have mostly thought about all the people that I have gotten to know. And there is no way that I can mention everyone, so bear with me.
I already had a great roommate that invited me to come to Sunday dinner with her family. And during the start of 2017, I was able to keep going to Sunday dinners. I had people who cared about me and wanted to know that I was doing well.
I got to do my internship with one of my best friends. We went on bike rides together. And because of her, I actually got an internship.
I started actually going to my ward and meeting people. I met people who were okay with my dry and sometimes morbid humor. I had people who were willing to hang out with me. And these people helped me become a joke in the ward.
And then I moved. But I stayed in the ward. I got some really good roommates. I have been on bike rides and rollerblading trips with these girls. They have seen me cry and put up with my winter depression. They heard my rants about my calling and how I hated it. They told me that I was prideful and let me know I needed to do some better work. And then they still loved me. They tolerated my dead mom jokes.
In the Fall semester of 2017, I had a group of three friends that would spend time with me all the time. I once said they were my best friends. At times that I have said that if I was any color of crayon, I would be brown because it's no one's first choice in color, but once used, it makes all the other colors look good. I didn't feel like a brown crayon with these friends. And they still talk to me. Even though they don't live by me anymore.
I unfortunately don't have a picture with them.
And I have thought about my experiences that I have had with being in Utah. Because I have been in Utah, I have been close to my older sister and my younger brother. I did a scavenger hunt type of event with my brother and step sisters this year. And we had a good time. I have been able to develop better relationships with my siblings in the last few months.
There have been times that I have been so alone and have had to deal with my inability to initiate conversations with people or inability to invite people over. I have seen my weakness and have tried to be okay with it or have tried to get better at talking with people. I've had the opportunity to try activities that I have never done. I have gone to Temple Square and done "family history" with my brother.
I have gotten a cake from random people that actually wasn't half bad. And it wasn't poisoned.
So, I guess being in Utah hasn't been as terrible as sometimes I think it is. And I still almost cry that I am still here. I know I will be here for at least a few months. I guess we will see what happens. Anything is possible? When the Lord makes you stay somewhere, He looks out for you and makes it okay.
Thank you to everyone who I have had the opportunity to be friends with this past year and a half. And thank you to the people that I will be friends with in the next few months. I'm glad God has let me have you in my life.
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