Our Similarities

In a world that seems to be ever more divided, it's hard to feel that I have almost any similarities as others. In a world with social media and internet almost everywhere you go, we are connected more than ever before. And yet, I feel so estranged from people. Last night, I saw one of my Instagram friend's stories, and basically was saying that if I am a good Christian, I will vote for one presidential candidate. And then I saw another that said that if I am a good Christian, I will vote for the other presidential candidate. Either way, I am not a good Christian. And that's not me being facetious. I really have a lot to improve. I can do a whole lot more to be a better person. I've made lots and lots of mistakes. Even this year, there are situations that I handled quite poorly. And I've been a Christian since I can remember. However, Christ is perfect. And God is perfect. And they are the Ones that can bring us closer together.

The quote that I read today, that just touched me perfectly was the following:

God's Favourite

As a very visual learner, I liked this description of God's healing and uniting Love.  Hence the Venn diagram I created above. I honestly don't know how to reach out to people very well. Talking to people scares me. I tried to reach out to my ministering sisters today by bringing them cookies. And at a few of the houses, my heart was beating so fast because I just assume that I am doing something wrong and that the person I am trying to contact will react very negatively. But I took the first step. And as I continue to foster God's love in and around me, hopefully I will become less afraid and will be able to reach out to others more. I may be extremely different from someone, but with God's love, we are closer than we realize.

I don't know if most of this post makes sense, but I have been feeling a need to better serve others. Especially since I feel that most of what I see on Instagram and in the world is so divisive. But God's love can heal us and bring us closer. You may not believe in God, but His power is stronger than unbelief. He works miracles every day. And I hope to be an instrument through which He can work a few of those miracles.

He Delivers

I started this one on Sunday but had several other things I ended up doing. So sorry for the delay. 

My goal this year was to read (or listen to) The Book of Mormon three times. I have never read that quickly. Even on my mission, when I was studying every day for an hour, I read it twice over 18 months. So, this was a big goal for me. I definitely got behind and am still catching up on my last read through.

For my first read, I marked characteristics/aspects of God. Many of these were actions that God has taken. But I tried to mark anything that gave a hint to God's character. I marked several characteristics and actions, but one stood out to me more than others. It was repeated over and over in The Book of Mormon.

He is a God of Deliverance. He delivers.

Paige Payne Creations

He delivers the righteous from their bondage. He delivers them from their feelings of grief. He delivers the wicked into the hands of other wicked people. And He delivers the wicked into the hands of the righteous. He delivers His message to people around the world. He delivers command keepers to better pastures.

Different definitions of  'deliver' include to provide, to set free, to bring, to hand over, to send, or to aid bringing forth. To deliver is to move.

God is a mover of people. He will bring you where He intends. He will not leave you alone. This could be physically, mentally, emotionally, etc. God will bring you to Him if you let Him. And He will bring you to promised blessings. You just have to trust Him. (Which I understand is very hard to do sometimes.)

Whatever space you may be in, when you turn to God, He will deliver you. 

Because God delivers.

He is a God of deliverance.

He delivers.

***

The above painting is by Paige Payne. She had a day of screenshotting some of her creations for phone wallpaper. I have had this as my wallpaper for a while. I have needed deliverance from a lot of emotions this year. I have received deliverance throughout the year and hope to receive more deliverance. I haven't necessarily been delivered from all of the trials, but they have become easier to bear. I will continue to put my trust in the Lord, for He knows so much more than I.

Acting sluggishly

When you receive promptings from the Spirit, you are advised, or counseled, if you will, to act immediately. We talked about acting immediately in Relief Society a few weeks ago. A lot of the conversation was about missing opportunities and not being able to serve others, which may be the case, but this is my testimony from not acting immediately.

Over the course of the last year, I have prayed about so many things. I have received promptings and have acted not immediately. I have pretended that I was acting on the promptings, but it wasn’t a full follow or trust in the Savior’s plan.

Most of my promptings have been about my work situation. It is not ideal, and the promptings I have received also seem not ideal to me. In November last year, a rhetorical question asked during a lesson and/or during General Conference was, “If you had more faith, what would you do?” The immediate thought that came to my mind was, I would quit my job. Afraid Cami then did not quit her job but transitioned merely to a PRN position (as needed). This way, scared Cami could still have work and provide for herself and her husband.

Fast forward to June of this year. Still hesitant Cami was working PRN. Every shift she picked up, she lost more and more hope in her job. She gave up on trying to provide well thought out groups. She struggled to have motivation to keep providing authentic and encouraging recreation therapy. So, she wrote a resignation letter and didn’t come back.

Yes, I did it very poorly. But every time I thought about coming in for next shift, I wanted to cry. And I did cry. I felt so horrible about the way that I left. I also cried at work thinking about how much I could no longer stand my job and the feeling that I had very minimal support. And that my coworkers that did encourage me were also giving up. They also felt defeated.

So I quit. Seven months after the prompting, I finally acted 100% to that prompting.

I've seen a few wonderful changes from acting 100%, including my mood and outlook on life. Last year, I started tracking my mood and occasionally stress levels regularly. Almost immediately after quitting in June, my mood was consistently higher. I was rarely tracking my mood as bad. Whereas before I quit, my mood was almost always tracked as bad. My stress improved. My mood improved. I am so much happier. That job was sucking the life out of me.

evidation.com

Another blessing that has come from acting 100% on the quitting my job inspiration may be the ability to follow through with another prompting. I'm not saying that this is definitely the reason for the struggle, but it could be. This one may be TMI, so you don't have to keep reading this one. Just skip the asterisked section.

***

As I prayed about what to do with my life, I kept getting the prompting to have kids. And as my husband and I struggled to get pregnant, I would tell God that that wasn't a funny joke. He knew we had been trying, and yet he was telling me to have kids. At around 11 months, we had decided that if we weren't pregnant by this October, we would start the adoption process.

Almost immediately following quitting my job in June, we were able to get pregnant (at about 13 months). So, I guess technically we would be in the infertile category, but I feel I'm not allowed to talk about infertility because we did get pregnant, so there's that. I don't know if it was because my stress levels were finally so low or if God said, "Okay, you're finally listening to me, I'll bless you now." I won't ever really know, but I have a feeling it was a lot to do with my insane amount of stress from my job.

***

Sometimes when we don't act immediately, we aren't missing out on opportunities, but we may be delaying blessings. I'm not saying that God is going to not give you blessings because you don't follow His counsel and is just going to wait. But God does know best. He knows what is hurting us, and He tells us what will help us. When we aren't following our promptings, we are just continuing to hurt ourselves. We are the ones in the way of our own blessings. When we don't trust, we don't willing receive the help God is giving to us. Hopefully, I can do better in the future at following promptings immediately. 'Cause even though my situation is still not ideal, I am doing so much better than before.

"Jack of All Trades, Master of a Few"

 Hey Peeps!

It's been a long, long while. I haven't posted something substantial since July last year. I just wanted to give you an update of my life and what my hopes are for my blog for the foreseeable future. (And also give you all the quotes from 2023.)

For an update on what I am doing with my life, I am following my Recreation Therapy professor's modified phrase of "jack of all trades, master of a few." To start with what I am a "master" of, I work in mental healthcare. I am a PRN (as needed, just picking up shifts here and there) Recreation Therapist at a mental/behavioral health hospital. I also work with the City of Chandler as a Recreation Assistant. This one's a new job, and I'm still learning some of the ins and outs of it, but this one is my fun job. I get to go on outings, such as fishing trips and hiking. And my regular, but least amount of time job is being a piano teacher. I picked it back up in February last year. (If anyone is thinking about taking piano lessons, I currently charge $18 per 30-minute lesson, once a week. I usually teach beginner to early intermediate students. If you're already a pro, please don't come to me.) I also have a t-shirt "business." I screen print shirts and have sold a few. So, that's my job situation right now. I don't have a super consistent schedule, but I do consistently have work each week. So it's fine.

Also, what I am doing with my life (besides work) is trying to be a good wife, sister, daughter, and slightly fit/healthy person. I currently live at my dad's house in his mother-in-law suite. So, yeah, I'm the 30-year-old still living with her parent’s house. At least it's not the basement. And at least I'm not just gaming all the time (I rarely game, and it's usually when my brothers need a third player.) My goal is to start traveling a little more to see my siblings because they always come here, and I rarely go to them. I should probably also start just calling them more often. That would be good to do. I've been married a little over a year, and I am learning a lot. I am working on my communication skills (being nicer and more understanding).

In regards to this blog, I am going to try to write more. I want to do my Sunday thoughts at least twice a month. These will be a bit more "church-y" and spiritual, but they will go under the Sunday Thoughts label. If you want to look at what I am writing for those, you can access them through that label. 

So here we go on another adventure. We'll see how long I can keep this up. Also, the shirt in the picture is one of my screen printed ones. If ever you want to check out my shirts, I have them here.

A Season of Hope and Joy

Today I wanted to share some things that give me hope in this world. This is what has gotten me through life and has helped me through some of my darkest days. Also, it is very fitting to share this because it's about Jesus Christ, and the present day Christmas celebration is about the birth of Jesus Christ.

Christmas Day #4

I want to share with you The Book of Mormon. To request a copy of the Book of Mormon, you can click here.  In the introduction, Joseph Smith is quoted to say, "I told the brethren that the Book of Mormon was the most correct of any book on earth, and the keystone of our religion, and a man would get nearer to God by abiding by its precepts, than by any other book." I have experienced that this book has gotten me closer to God than anything else. 

There are lots of questions about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And there are sometimes doubts that come up, but whenever I do doubt or have questions, The Book of Mormon helps me. I believe this book to be true, and all of the rest of the stuff rests upon that.

If you need more hope and joy in your life, this book is for you. Recently, I have talked to a few people that are so depressed about the state of the world. They just want peace. Or hope. Or love. And that all comes from Jesus. This book brings you closer to Jesus.

I know I mentioned a few places helping during natural disasters on the first day when I mentioned American Red Cross and The Salvation Army. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints also has helped in so many ways. We have the helping hands, Bishop's storehouse, service missionaries, giving machines, and more. I have seen so many people helped from this church. People's lives have changed when they have read the Book of Mormon. I'm not joking. I've seen people who are so low and don't know how to get better to having a job and a clean home and a smile on their face. I've also participated in Bishop's storehouse which helps provide food for people in the congregation who might be struggling. Part of my mission was to do service. I helped at hospitals, assisted living centers, people's yards, and a few other places. The church encourages helping others. It's not just limited to this book.

Why Do You Stay?

When I was serving my mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I had two questions that I loved asking to other missionaries. Their answers to these questions showed me their heart, resilience, and if they were going to have a miserable time. The two questions were, "Why did you come on a mission?" and "Why do you stay on your mission?" I think these two questions apply to the church as a whole too. The reasons that people share as to why they joined and why they stay will tell so much. So, I wanted to share my answers to the two questions.

Why I Joined

I joined The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as an 8-year-old. I don't remember a lot. My parents had taught me the gospel since I was born. I knew there was a God, and I knew that getting baptized was a good thing to do. I don't really remember a whole lot else besides that. So, it's not the coolest answer as to why I joined the church. For people who have been baptized later in their life, I'm sure there are much more profound answers.

So, we'll just move onto the next, why don't we.

Why I Stay

The short answer is that there are times when I have undoubtedly felt the Spirit and have communicated with God that I cannot deny. There are things that I have experienced that lead me to believe that I am in the right place. The long answer is the following.

I know that God is real. Now, this doesn't particularly sway me to any church over another. This is a pretty general belief. But, without this, the rest of my testimony doesn't matter. God is real. And I am a daughter of God. I talk to God all the time. (Working in mental health makes this statement so weird because there are so many people who say God is talking to them and telling them to do different things that we classify that as psychosis. Where the difference between psychosis and true belief and conviction is, I don't know sometimes.) I have a true relationship with God that has helped me stay alive and to heal throughout my life.

I believe that Jesus Christ is my Savior. Again, not really particular to a specific church, but foundational. I believe there was an Atonement made to help me become better, to pick me up from my fallen state, to heal so many things that have been wounded, and the list goes on. I don't know everything about the Atonement (or else why faith?). I have lots of questions about the Atonement. I have lots of questions in regards to my relationship with God versus Jesus' relationship with God, and how those two relationships are in comparison, and lots of other things. But I still believe that Christ atoned for me.

I believe that The Book of Mormon is the word of God. Here's where we get a little more particular. The Book of Mormon has led me closer to God and Jesus Christ than any other book. I really love the four gospels in The New Testament, and I absolutely love a lot of Isaiah, but The Book of Mormon helps me understand more and has been more crucial to me coming to Jesus than The Bible. Granted, my Bible reading isn't the greatest and needs lot of improvement, so I should probably work on that. But, I will continue to read The Book of Mormon, and I will continue to come closer to my Savior.

I believe in the power of the temple. I have felt it. If I could live in the temple and just do family history work for the rest of my life, I would. There is no better place than the temple. In the temple, we make covenants, and we stand in as proxy for people who have past away to help them receive those covenants. The power of the Priesthood is abundant in the temple. It is almost tangible. At a time in my life where I wasn't able to go to church very often because of work, I was saved by going to the temple. Now, don't purposely not attend church but go to the temple because the Sacrament has power as well. But in my time where I was unable, the temple kept me sane while working full-time, going to school full-time, and dealing with the mental health of people at work and at home. I felt the difference on the weeks I did not make it to the temple. 

To add to the temple, I believe in the power of the covenants I have made with God. God has given me power, and I intend to do His will, so I can keep that power. I need all the help I can get in this life because I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm gonna keep talking to God and keep following His counsel, so I can get by and find the joy that He intends us to find. God's covenants protect us and inspire us. 

Lastly, I do have lots of questions. I doubt sometimes. With so many people leaving the church and sharing their experiences, I wonder what is happening. Why would people leave? And why haven't I? In the end, I think about all the experiences I have had: talking to God, going to the temple, reading the scriptures, discovering miracles in my life, etc. If those things were true then, how can they be untrue now? I have experienced too much that has made my life better to give it up. I want to continue to have those experiences, so I seek for them. I continue to talk to God, and He gives me answers (though most the time not answers that I expected or wanted). Ultimately, this gospel makes me happier, gives me more hope, makes me better and kinder, and leads me to amazing opportunities. I believe in God. I believe He is my Father. I believe He is kind and knows so much more than I do. I believe in Jesus Christ and His Atonement. And I want to become the person that They know I can be. I strive to do what is right. And The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints leads me to that. This is the church of Jesus Christ. I know because I've felt it. I've experienced it. And no one can take that away from me. And I can't force that on anyone. It's something everyone has to experience for themselves. So keep on living.

Miracles, Faith, and Moving Mountains

Since General Conference at the beginning of April, the topic of miracles has been ever present around me. President Nelson's talk about Spiritual Momentum suggested seeking and expecting miracles. I've heard several examples of people asking for miracles, or just something they really want, and then God giving it to them the next day or within a few hours even. And I've struggled with that because I feel like that's not how God works in my life. I feel like God's answers to my prayers are "no" or "not yet."

This is what I have learned in my struggle this month though. God works miracles in my life. They are not the same as other people's miracles, but that does not necessarily make them less than others' miracles. I also realized that sometimes I don't notice the miracles because they are just naturally part of things that I am doing or aren't 100% what I am asking for. I try to bargain with God and "sweeten the deal" when really there is no deal; God is giving me something, and I should be grateful.

I have been trying to make a few decisions for changes that are happening in the near future. About a month ago, I felt good about an option. After I felt good about that option, I got new information. I didn't feel as sure about that option as I did before. So I continued my research, pondering, and prayers. After a long struggle and other options falling away (really good options, I might say, even ones where I thought, "This is perfect!"), I had a wrestle prayer with God. I have a lot of wrestle prayers with God. I also wrote about my struggle in my journal. In the end, I realized that the original option was still an option. And it still works with the new information that I received. So, my struggle was purely from looking beyond the mark. I still have yet to act on this option because there are a few other factors that need to be taken care of, and maybe this option will also fall away. Hopefully not. But sometimes I miss the miracles because they don't seem as "perfect" as other people's. My stories don't follow the same pattern of I prayed and I got what I wanted. My path to seeing miracles is a little bit messier. Partially due to my own stubbornness. 

The other thing that I have realized in the past month is that God moves mountains, and He also requires people to climb mountains. Some people's lives are filled with the faith to move mountains. And some people are asked to have faith to climb the mountains. Whichever is asked of us, we still have faith. Just because God asks me to climb more often than He asks me to move mountains does not mean my faith is less than those who move more than climb. Those who climb more might develop some really nice calves though.

Climbing also allows us to see where we have come from. We can gain a clearer picture of what is happening and what is going on around us. Here are a few pictures of views I have had from climbing. They aren't the best pictures, but I've seen lots of things because I have been willing to go to greater heights.

In the end, God is working miracles in my life, even when I don't immediately see it. And I am stubborn. I am often myopic, as the leaders in the church so love saying these days.

Sit for a Season

 Do you have patterns in your life? Do things and situations tend to repeat?

One pattern that I have found in my life is I realize that I need to make a decision several months in advance, I start to get my ideas in order, and I pray to know what to do, and God tells me to be patient in some form or another. And then He usually confirms or rejects my plans about a week or two before I absolutely have to have done something about the situation. Usually this happens when I am moving. Utah was a rough place for me because I wanted to move every year, and I would not come to a conclusion until I was a week or two away from moving. This resulted in lots of not renewing housing contracts and then scrambling to find one or miraculously being able to renew late. It also resulted in me quitting jobs and then asking for them back or finding new ones. And then my last year there, it ended with me still working for two weeks after my lease had ended, so I bummed on people's couches and did schoolwork at the park while camping in my car loaded with most of my possessions.

The awkward scrambling and other results from these decisions are not, however, the hard part. It's the patience. Patience is the hard part. It's the waiting for a confirmation to a decision and being told to just give it time in the meanwhile. The answer to have patience has come in so many forms. It's come in the form of "don't worry about that." It's been "don't give up on either." It's a "[it] will come to you," "wait," "I have a work for you to do" without added instruction, and sometimes no recognizable acknowledgement of my request. 

My current waiting period is "Sit for a Season."

What does it even mean to sit for a season? 'Cause I'm not just gonna sit and do nothing. At first glance, I think it's to stop trying to control so much. It's to sit back and let God handle things. Stay in the moment and just stay where you're at for now.

I know I'm going to move in June. I don't know where. My Indeed account is full of Recreation Therapist jobs saved. And mostly in other states. (Not Utah though. I did my time there.) Will I stay in Arizona? I don't know. Will I move to another state? Maybe. But ultimately I don't know right now. Everything just feels bleh. And God says to sit for a season. Just hold on for a moment.

But that's hard. I'm not a waiter. If anyone knows me, I finish people's sentences all the time because I don't know how to wait. If you know my family's Disneyland trends, we don't wait in a line for more than 45 minutes. (We're the people that speed walk past everyone and somehow have fast passes for all the fun rides. But since Disney's changing, we'll need a new strategy.) I can't sit still. The only thing that can hold my attention for more than an hour is jigsaw puzzles. Once it's 20-30 minutes into a task, I have to do something else. Actually, I can read for a few hours as well. But here God is, asking me to wait. Sometimes it feels like I'm going to wait for my whole life. Just wait.

Funny story, one time I was praying, and the answer was "Patience." And so I said, "I know, I know, patience. But how long do I have to be patient for?" And then God and I had a good laugh.

If you want some definitions for sit that fit this situation, here they be:

• remain in a certain state or position
• to remain quiescent (quiescent is dormant or inactive)
• to serve as a model (as in having a picture taken/painted) (this is definitely the meaning for this situation)
• to rest something
• to be located in a particular position

So I guess I am to stay for a moment. 

I just want to know my next adventure. Because I know one is coming. I know I am moving. It feels that things are wrapping up where they are. Friends are heading in different directions. I'm getting antsy. I don't like when I start getting stagnant. I've been in the same position for too long. I'm not learning anything new. My life is redundant. It feels like time to go.

And God says to sit.

At least for a season. Winter is a season. And also spring. Come summer, it's time for the next grand (or not so grand) adventure. And I won't know what it is until then. Waiting is the true refiner's fire. So maybe I will at least be a little more refined by the time June rolls around. We shall wait and see. And then I will move into a season of standing and moving.

Compelled to Be Humble

I am a very capable person. "Here goes narcissistic Cami again," say the two people who read this blog. I'm not saying that I'm absolutely terrific at everything. That's not even close. What I mean is that I am okay at a lot of things, and I'm a quick learner. If someone needs me to do something, I can learn pretty quickly and do a semi-decent job. And I can do a lot of things semi-decently. I don't know a lot about anything, but I know a little about a lot of things.

Sometimes this capability combined with an overwhelming fear that I am a burden on everyone I meet means I do things on my own. All the time. I am not good at asking for help. And I exacerbate that by trying to help others. All the time. I can't be a burden on people if I'm helping, right?

Wrong.

Just kidding, I just wanted to say that. Well, actually sometimes people are burdensome when they are trying to help. But that's not really the point I want to make today.

I find a lot of purpose in my being able to help people. Because without helping others, I'm not much else. And even if people don't like me, I can at least make a small difference in their lives. Within the last month, an overwhelming inability to help people has come to my attention. I have several areas of my life where I am literally powerless. I have family members, friends, and even myself who need help in some way or another, and am absolutely of no use. Nothing I do can change some things. And it hurts. It's a hard truth. As one of my co-workers says often, "Truth hurts with Cami." (I'm am a little too well-known for being blunt and telling people how it is.)

My purpose is to help people. And I can't. Which is really, really awful. I've cried a tear or two almost every day for three weeks. But it was at the most inconvenient times, so I had to truncate the tears. Funny story, there was one group I was in where another therapist said something hurtful to me. Since we wear masks, I cried one tear that just dripped down my cheek into my mask, so no one could see it. And it's just so funny to think about now, but I only allowed my one tear and then tried to stifle the sniffling. My nose runs so bad when I cry. So bad. I'm pretty sure my crying actually comes out of my nose more than my eyes. Anyway, this has been a fun tangent. Short story: It has been a long and rough month with things that I can't help with or control piling up and compounding. So I finally just cried and cried.

I was "compelled to be humble" as Alma 32 talks about. I couldn't just be humble on my own; I had to have everything pile up and then sit on the floor crying for an hour to really let it go. And I had to hear in General Conference that I need to give my whole soul to Christ and that the Lord will help me more than I can help myself. I have to give it all--all of it, everything, my whole self--to the Lord. I have been okay at giving some of it to the Lord, even all parts of a few aspects of my life to the Lord. But it's not enough. I literally don't have power on my own.

I can't do a lot of things. I can't take away people's anxieties or depressions. I can't take away people's desires to kill themselves. I can't make anyone accept the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I can't make any of the boys I like, like me back. I can't make someone talk to me. I can't make anyone stop abusing anyone else. And the list goes on and on. I can't do a lot of things.

Jesus can. I don't know what He will. But He can. And He will do more than I can. So I have to give everything up, not just a little bit. Give all of it.

In light of not being able to do stuff, I call the series below "Cami Trying Something New and Not Knowing What She's Doing." The backstory is that I was trying to involve more movement/dance (granted very simple dance--or so I thought) into my Recreation Therapy. And this was me recording myself to see what moves I liked and trying to decide how I would put the moves together. These shots are in the middle of several moves that I tried. I have not run this new group idea with any patients yet. It's a work in progress.

Music Changes My Life

I have a fun story for all y'all. I come from a very talented family, and being the easily distracted wild child that I am, I have always been just mediocre. As a teenager, my family tried to get me to play the organ. My grandma played, and my aunt plays, and my sister plays. I refused because it was just another thing for me to be mediocre at, especially compared to family. So, I touched an organ probably three times without  playing anything at all. My poor grandma and older sister had to deal with my being a booger while my grandma tried to teach the both of us. But I refused.

God saw and said, "Ha ha ha, watch this."

And as an 18-year-old, I was made the organist in my college ward. And I have now played the organ in four of my wards in the last 10 years. So, moral of the story is God's got jokes.

Besides my rise to mediocrity in organism (hahahaha, yes!), okay in organ playing, music has become an interesting tool in my life. I never thought as a child that I would go far with music. And really I haven't, but it's one of my talents that has gotten me to different places. Music is one of those things that I have used to express my emotions and to soothe my emotions. Music is meant to make you feel. And music is meant to help you heal.

2018 Christmas Concert

I have been feeling lonely quite a bit lately. And I'm terrible at asking for a friend. So the other day I turned on my Christmas music. Sometimes I say Christmas music is my favorite as a joke.  (It's not a joke.) And, guess what! The song that came on was "He is Born" by David Archuleta.  The last verse says,

Stepping down from Heaven's throne

To show us that we're not alone

The truest love, a single light

The Son of God, Christmas Night.

I have had many experiences, too many to count, where music was the way God spoke to me. Sometimes it has been just the right message at the right time. Sometimes it has been a specific verse from a favorite hymn coming to my mind. Sometimes it has been the warm feeling everyone talks about during a hymn. Sometimes it has been playing piano is the only thing to calm me down. Sometimes it's playing a piece over and over again with several mistakes and the best version being at the meeting it has been prepared for. God has sent angels to help me with my music. I'm still not super great, but music has helped me find the beauty in the world and come closer to God.

I'm thankful for all the times I have been able to serve in church through music. It's been one of the biggest ways I have worked in church since I was 12. And most likely it will be how I continue to work in the church. Luckily, I have learned a few things over the years and am better than I was as a 14-year-old doing random stuff on the Seminary piano. Humility comes quickly to those who must play in front of everybody.

God speaks to us individually. How does God speak to you?

Okay, one last fun story. My first year playing the organ, I played the three verses of the song and then sat at the organ waiting for the person who was designated to come up and say the prayer. I just sat there for 15-20 seconds, and then I looked at the chorister. She whispered, "There's a fourth verse." I said, "Sorry!" and continued with the fourth verse. The congregation sung the fourth verse and then the prayer person came up. One of the bishopric members shared that story throughout the rest of the year and would tell the congregation, "Most of the time, we just need people who are willing to say, 'Sorry,' and then keep on going." I became a great lesson to that ward. As stated above, humility comes quickly when you're in front of everybody.

Miracles Great and Unexpected

This morning I was listening to Ronald Rasband's talk "Behold! I Am a God of Miracles." I listened with a particular miracle in mind that I have been praying for for a while. And Elder Rasband said, "Through faith, the miracle will come, though not necessarily on our timetable or with the resolution we desired. Does that mean we are less than faithful or do not merit His intervention? No. We are beloved of the Lord. He gave His life for us, and His Atonement continues to release us from burdens and sin as we repent and draw close to Him."

He continued to share a few examples of how people have received miracles that they were not expecting or received a different miracle than what they had hoped. Among these examples was an example of those who mocked Christ to come off the cross, which he could have done and would have been a miracle. The greater miracle was the fact that He stayed on that cross and suffered death, so that all humans could live again and be free of the sins and stains of this world. It was a much greater miracle than what the people taunted.

The day I get married will be a miracle. Nothing short of Divine miraculous wonder will be the day I get married. And I pray for that miracle. In the past few years though, I have found that my not being married is actually more miraculous than if I currently were married. It hurts sometimes, but I know that it is the will of God. I thought of the miracles I have seen in the last few years. I want to share a few things that have happened. And this might be very personal to some of the people who read my blog, but I want to let you know that I have been truly blessed because of you.

I have been told an inordinate number of times in my life that I was either the reason someone did not kill themselves or was the reason they were glad that their attempts were not successful. I have had the opportunity to be there at times when people were seriously contemplating killing themselves. This has happened in my work and in my personal life. And in many of these cases, if I were married, I most likely would not have been there for those people. Maybe someone else could have or would have been there, but for some reason God let me. And I'm so glad that He did.

I have seen so many of these friends, family, and patients continue with life and have greater joys come into their life because they continued on. And I have received so much joy from them. I am able to see several of you experience the great happinesses and adventures that life has to offer, and because of that I also receive happiness.

So as Rasband's talk wrapped up, I found myself standing in front of my bathroom mirror crying. I stared at the crazy-haired girl that sometimes feels aimless and wishes for different circumstances, and I realized that I was a miracle. I, a single girl, am a miracle. And I just stared and cried and realized how much I am. Lots of times we think miracles are for changing what's going on, but really the miracles are the fact that we are able to do so much. The miracle is that Jesus Christ died and suffered in Gethsemane for us and made it possible for us to access His power and find peace and joy. The miracle is that we sometimes see just how much power God gives us and how many people are allowed to come into our lives. Sometimes the miracle is that we find worth in ourselves.

I know I don't look like much. I know that this is a terrible picture of me. However, it's literally what I was staring at as I was crying to myself this morning about wanted and unreceived miracles and unexpected yet heart-wrenching and -warming miracles.

You are a miracle. Even if you take awkward bathroom selfies and have crazy hair. You are a miracle because you are His and have the capability of accessing the power of God and the Atonement of Jesus Christ. You are a miracle because you choose to keep on moving forward. You are a miracle.

Before I get into the real content of this post, I just wanted to let you all know that the subscribe by email function that I have had on this blog will be discontinued. I was trying to find another way for my followers to get my blog by email, and so I did some quick research and found out that I only had 4 followers anyway, and one of them is the wrong address, and two of the other followers are my brothers, so really I have one follower who probably wouldn't get my blog posts otherwise. So, no need to fear. The discontinuation of the follower widget will not affect my reach to you guys. I literally reach no one.  So that was a great discovery. The only way people know I have a blog is by word of mouth and social media posts.

An Empowered Woman of God

The thought for this post has come from several conversations I have had over the last few months and seeing posts about people leaving church, especially from women. 

I've had a pretty easy life. I haven't gone through a ton of hardship, so this post may seem very inconsequential to those who have had a lot of hardships, trials, and oppressions.

In regards to my gender, or my sex, I am female. I was a female when I was born and shall remain a female until I die (and beyond). I cannot say that I understand transgender thought or feeling because I honestly have no idea what being female should feel like.  The only thing I can think of is I feel the pain and emotional turmoil that accompanies bleeding once a month. Other than that, I literally just see myself as a person. And maybe it's less of a feeling rather than a knowing, in which case, I know I am a female.

I was raised in a fairly conservative family. To me, that means that all children in my home were raised being told that if they worked hard, they would reap rewards of that work. Boys were raised as boys, and girls were raised as girls. For my sisters and me, this means I was raised to learn how to cook, sew, clean, play instruments, garden, mow the lawn, play sports, build things, squish bugs, pitch a tent, etc. For my brothers, it was the same thing. We were all taught to do the same stuff.

I have a brother, who if you took me and him, the society's so-called gender roles and standards and whatnot would say that we had gotten our roles reversed. My brother is the tender, home-making child, and I am the aggressive, play-in-the-mud child. And that doesn't make either of us less boy or less girl. We were lucky to grow up in a home where we were allowed to be ourselves.

I was taught that we are all children of God. And that someday we can become like God if we put in the work and use the Grace and Atonement of Jesus Christ. God is no respecter of persons (Acts 10:34). All are welcome to come to Him and to be like Him.

With all this said, men and women are different and have different roles. Every person is meant to use their specific talents to help and lift each other. In the church, men receive the Priesthood and women do not. This does not mean that women do not have authority. Women very much are expected to work with Priesthood authority to bless the lives of others. The Priesthood is an unselfish power and can only be used to bless others; one cannot bless himself with his own Priesthood power (with a few exceptions such as blessing the bread for the sacrament which one will take for himself and other random things).

In the latest General Conference, Elder Holland quoted the late Prophet Gordon B. Hinckley:

 ' "How tragic and utterly disgusting a phenomenon is wife abuse," he said. "Any man in this Church who abuses his wife, who demeans her, who insults her, who exercises unrighteous dominion over her is unworthy to hold the priesthood. ... [He] is unworthy to hold a temple recommend." Equally despicable, he said, was any form of child abuse--or any other kind of abuse.'

For more about worthiness to hold the Priesthood, here is President Hinckley's talk.

I feel like there is a lot I could add and there is so much more that people have questions about and that people have concerns about. However, the following is my testimony. The following is what I know for myself.

God has a purpose for me. I know what to do and where to go because I use my agency, and I also consult with God. I feel empowered and feel like I can do whatever He asks me to because it is His power, His Priesthood, that gives me strength to do what He needs me to. I am female and am a strong woman of God. And even though I don't always meet society's standards of womanhood, I meet God's and am exactly who He has intended me to be. He works with my strengths instead of mauling me with my imperfections. Just because I am a woman, I am not less than man, and I am needed just as much as man. We're different. And we are the same. It's really contradictory, but life isn't meant to be super easy to explain. I don't like I have any less power to accomplish my goals than if I were a man. I am a woman, and I feel empowered because I know what I want and trust in God.

God has a purpose for you. I know it. He knows you and wants you to know Him. We also have a loving Heavenly Mother, who unfortunately I haven't actually taken the time to know as well. But She loves you too. She is looking out for you. She loves you and wants you to return to Her. She is helping you out more than you know. And you are a blessed child of Mom and Dad.

Pruning and Growth

Hey guys, it's been a minute. Apparently, my game didn't last very long. I'm not good at sticking to my ideas. (Maybe a little undiagnosed inattentive ADHD? Could explain a lot of things, but I'm pretty sure you aren't supposed to diagnose yourself. And I'm not a psychiatrist. But it would even explain this random tangent.) It was fun while it lasted. I don't really know what to share, but I thought I should share something. I've had a lot of thoughts about growth and change recently. I have thoughts about growth all the time actually and am constantly trying to figure out what my next move is for becoming a better person and how I can change.

So maybe I'll share a little about one of my favorite books. We've all heard about The Book of Mormon. Well, within that book there is another book called The Book of Jacob. I love The Book of Jacob. There are a few chapters that I love throughout the whole Book of Mormon and read all the time; however, all the chapters in The Book of Jacob are some of my go-to chapters. Jacob teaches the allegory of the olive tree, and it is fantastic. I love it. Maybe it hits me more or makes a lot of sense to me because my favorite chores growing up were always the outdoor chores in the garden or helping take care of the various fruit trees. (RIP the beloved peach tree that took so much work. It had the best peaches on this planet.)

This chapter talks a lot about pruning, which means it's about decay, growth, and change. Pruning doesn't always mean that you are developing horrendously. Sometimes we are making progress and have lots of potential and are full of fruit. When pruning the peach tree, we would pluck off lots of unripe fruit, so that the tree's energy could be used more efficiently to produce better tasting and mature fruit. Sometimes we are the same; we have to let go of some good things, so we can put more time and energy into other things and have better results. Sometimes we just need a little redirection.

Pruning the rose bushes has taught me that different branches of your life will bud and blossom at different times. We sometimes have to work on one thing for a while and then work on something else. Just because it isn't important for us to work on something now does not mean it won't be pertinent later. For example, I felt it important to work on developing a business. At this moment, that's something that just isn't plausible and has been put to the side for a bit. In the future, I may come back to that and let it bloom and grow.

Pruning for me and my life often comes in the form of long talks with God and what I call chastenings. I go on bike rides when I have some serious talks with God to do (especially since the temples are closed because of COVID). I talk to God about the things that I need to change and ask Him about what I need to know right now. I made the realization a few months ago that my chastenings have gotten much better, and that I enjoy my talks with God and receiving direction. Even when it's direction that I don't necessarily think I want. 

Yeah, I know I look cool with the pigtails.

As your relationship gets better with God, so do your prunings, your chastenings. And probably most people won't call them chastenings like I do. I just have an interesting relationship with God. I encourage you to talk to God and ask Him what He needs you to know right now. I can tell you that He loves you and wants you to know. More often than not, when I ask Him, "What do You need me to know right now?", He has answered that I need to know that He loves me. Nothing in this world even matters unless you know that God loves you. Ask Him. Talk to Him. It's hard sometimes, and it's worth it. You may cry. An emotionally guarded person like me cries when God tells me He loves me and when He tells me what I need. Being pruned and growing leads to good fruit when it's led by God and fed by a relationship with Him. Go with God.

For another resource about pruning that I love, here is one of my favorite inspirational videos. I quote it (to myself) often because I love it so much and because I feel like it has pertained to so much in my life. You can also find other similar inspirational messages here.

The Redeeming Power of God's Love

 Lately, as I have prayed to God and have received my daily chastenings, I have noticed a common pattern.  And I hope this is a pattern that others find as well. Near the end of my prayers, chats, complaints, grievings, or ponderings with God, I usually ask the question, "What else do I need to know at this time?"  The answer is usually something along the lines of, "I need you to know I love you."

I need you to know I love you.

I don't really know what else to say except that I know that God's love has the power to change people. I would not be the person I am today without knowing that God loves me. Granted I still have much work to do and many things to improve, I would say I have come a long way. And it's possible for everyone. My hope is that all can feel God's love. And my hope is that all can have the desire to change because of God's love.

I know that I'm not the best at helping others feel God's love, and I would like to change. If there is anything I can do to help others, please let me know.  I know people read this blog, but sometimes I feel that it's just pretty words (or lots of times, not so pretty) that just sit around. If you have someone in mind that I can pray for or reach out to, please let me know. I would love to spread God's love as far as I can.

And because it's Christmas time, how great of a time to share this love.

John 3:16 "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

Alma 36:18 "O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me"

Alma 36:20 "And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold"

The Secret to Moving Forward

 This week, I got some unfortunate news. As I drove home, I cried and listened to my Jesus music. The first song to come on was "No One Ever Cared for Me Like Jesus" by Steffany Gretzinger.  Near the end of the song, she sings,

I'm still in love

You're still enough for me

Still all I want

You're still my everything

It's as if Steffany took the confusion and mixed up feelings of my heart and put them in a song. I'm still in love with Jesus. (I know it is kind of weird wording, but in the moment, it was enough.) He's still my everything. No matter what comes my way, I somehow still have faith and believe that He is watching over me.

I maybe have cried myself to sleep the last two nights and several other times throughout the days, but I know I will make it.  Somehow I always do. The secret to moving forward is faith in Jesus Christ. When all else has failed me, Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father are always there.

Between the ages of 15 and 19, my support system collapsed, and I withdrew from people. I couldn't trust anyone to help me, and I turned to God. God was literally the only one who could help me. There's a lot of trauma from those years, and there's a lot of growth from those years. I am not the same person I was before then, and I am not the same person I was during then. The one thing that I will forever hold onto is how God was there.  And He will forever be the reason why I am able to move forward.

I invite you to seek God. Even if you want to shout and curse at Him, He is there and will listen. He knows your hurt. He will help you. I promise God is there and that He will help you move forward.

Another line that is repeated in Steffany's song is, "His faithful hand has held me all this way." It's true.

"Unto one of the least"

Comeuntochrist.org has some of the best Easter videos that I watch any time of the year.

As I watched this video this morning, I felt an overwhelming need to re-see a situation that I have been put in and have made worse for myself. For years and years and years, I have struggled to forgive someone that came into my life even though I truly did not want them to. I have watched as they hurt people I love, constantly belittle them, and belittle me. I have struggled with forgiveness, what that means, and how I can release unkind feelings for this person. How do I not let this person hurt me and people I love anymore?

"Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me." (Matthew 25:40) The way that I treat this person is as if I am treating Jesus this way. Would I really slander Christ? Would I really ignore or mock Him? How could I do that to my Savior? How could I treat my Savior so poorly and still expect Him to love me and rescue me? I have wronged Him by the way I have treated this person. I should treat the person with love and serve him/her. I should show compassion.

With that said, I don't think we are meant to allow oppressors and abusers to continue to oppress and abuse. We are also "the least," and God would not have us treated as garbage. So what would Jesus do to His oppressors and the abusers of His people? He died for them and invited them to repent. He remained silent when being accused. He healed them. He threw them out of the temple. He commanded them to stay their hand. He rebuked and chastened them. He came to their aid. He called them out for being the hypocrites that they were. He offered them help.

What would Jesus do? Jesus would do a number of things. Today, I would like to offer an invitation. Look around you and see what you are doing for your neighbors. What are you doing well? And what could you improve? How do people feel when around you? Have you asked that to anyone lately? Have you asked anyone around you what you could be doing better? Talk with people and listen. Don't talk at them. Don't tell them what to do. Ask them what you can do. I need this invitation as much as anyone. I know I need to change, and I can do better.

Christ didn't die for us to stay the same.

Hear Him

I believe that God speaks to us more than we might think or more than we actually hear. It is our responsibility to understand how God speaks to us. And it is our privilege to receive words from God. He has infinite love and inspiration to pour out to us.

As an adult, however brief that time has been, I have experienced hearing Him as I have made the decision to go to college. Growing up, I never wanted to go to BYU. As I applied to schools in my senior year of high school, I applied to BYU just because I knew it was a good idea to apply to multiple schools. I was definitely going to ASU though; that was the only school I ever thought I was going to go to. When I got accepted to BYU, I knew without a doubt that I was going to BYU. There is no explanation as to why I knew this. It just felt right. It was the only school that I felt like going to. It was an indescribable and unprecedented knowledge.

A year or so after graduating from BYU, I was trying to make a few decisions about my life. I wanted to move back to Arizona. I was praying about whether to stay in Utah or Arizona. (Up to this point, the answer was always to stay in Utah, so that's what I was expecting.) I didn't really get an answer either way. At that time, the only thing I knew for sure was that I needed to go to college again. There was no way to explain why this was what I should do. I didn't even have a program of study that I was planning on doing. I had been looking at Marriage and Family Therapy, Recreation Therapy, Recreation Management, and Education programs. I had no idea what I was going to study, but I knew that I was going to go back to school. It was the only thing that felt right among all the decisions I was making at the time.

I wanted to take a picture of my tassels just to have a picture for this post. However, when I was taking the picture the temple picture was right next to my tassels. I felt it was rather appropriate because the temple is a great place to hear God.

I believe that God speaks to us more than we might think. How do you Hear Him?

Prejudice, Privilege, and Spiritual Promptings

I prayed, and God told me to be kind and share my story. This is my attempt to do so.

As an elementary school student, I went to a school with a good percentage of Hispanic kids. At recess, some of the Hispanic girls would point at me (and my sister had this too), and they would laugh and speak in Spanish, so I couldn't understand. Kids are mean sometimes. And I always had low self-worth, so it just established my fear that people don't like me.

In high school, there was a Mexican boy who refused to call me by my name. He referred to me as "white girl" or "whitie." Lots of times I would just say, "I'm darker than you." I said this because he was rather pale, and I tan easily, so my skin actually was darker than his. He was annoying.  There was also a Korean boy that called all girls fat, except for me; he told me that I looked 50 years old. He was in my Biology class and would flip the textbook open to the picture of a penis. Every day. When it actually time to learn about the reproductive systems, we were also given packets. So, he would flip the packet and the textbook open, so there would be multiple pictures of penises on my desk. I wasn't super fond of that. He also was in my chemistry class the next year. One day, he grabbed my desk while I was sitting in it and flipped it over, so I was tossed to the ground. I just was lying on the ground with my desk next to me on its side and the teacher just stared at me. I got up and flipped my desk back over, sat back in my desk, folded my arms, and put my head down. And no one did a thing. Everyone just watched.

In college, I danced in the lu'au every year. And there were always the comments that the Polynesian dancers were looking too white. It was a lu'au to help fund multicultural students, and I helped get tickets sold by dancing, and most of my Polynesian friends loved that I was participating. One year, I had one friend while in the group, a Hawaiian girl. She confided in me that she was sometimes rejected from other Polynesian groups because she looked too white. We were both ignored a lot that year because we were too "white and skinny."

At work, I have been confronted by lots of kids who tell me that they hate all white people. They tell me that I'm racist because I remind them of the rules and expect them to improve unhealthy behaviors. They tell me they want to fight me because I'm white.

I've been hearing the word privilege again a lot lately, usually with the word white in front. I ran into the word 'privilege' while I was listening to talks from church leaders. Joy D. Jones mentioned the Prophet Joseph Smith telling the women of the church, "If you live up to your privilege, the angels cannot be restrain'd." And it made me think a lot about what is happening today and what happened during that time.

The history of the church is wrought with persecution.  People were tarred and feathered, shot in their own homes, and dragged out into the cold.  The people were beaten and killed in front of their own spouses, siblings, parents, and even children.  Their buildings were burned, and they were told to leave.  Yet, Joseph Smith told the women to live up to their privilege. It might have seemed hard to think about privilege when the people of Christ's church were being oppressed.  The law was technically set forth for the freedom of religion, and yet the leaders of the country disowned them and even ordered them out and/or killed.  So what privilege did they have?  What was Joseph Smith even talking about?

Women have the natural capacity of charity, according to the Relief Society notes.  They had strength in numbers and had the privilege to come to the aid of each other.  They aided each other by bringing each other food, caring for one another's children while work had to be done, and helping with the work.  They helped mend clothing and build homes.  They even shared their homes when needed.  They had the ability to teach their children how to love instead of hate.  They taught their children what silent strength was.  And I am a descendant of these women.

I come from a long line of strong women and men.  I have been taught and shown how to help others and to discern others' needs.  I have watched grandmothers take care of the sick and needy when they were also sick and needy.  I saw my grandmothers save and earn to give themselves and the people around them more than what they had before.  I've read the stories of grandmothers who were rejected by family and yet believed in love and caring for others.  I watched my mother be inclusive to everyone and my dad also be inclusive.  I can't say they're all perfect, but they have put in effort to make the world a better place.

I saw a sign the other day in a protest that said, "Silence is violence."  And I have to say I wholeheartedly disagree.  My ancestors have been a demonstration of silent strength.  There is a time to speak up, and sometimes the action is being taken by those who haven't said a word at all. Those who do instead of just say are some of the greatest unsung heroes.

So, let's all use our privilege.  Everyone has some type of privilege.  I've had the privilege of growing up in a home where learning was highly valued.  I had the privilege of growing up in a home where unkind things were not supposed to be said.  I got in trouble a lot for that. I grew up in a home where we were taught how to work hard and be diligent.  I'm not perfect, but I've made great changes in my life.  And I can do better.  I am willing to change, and I hope that I am kind.

"The Lord loves effort, and effort brings rewards." -- Joy D Jones

Making Happiness

I needed more milk this week, so I went to one of the neighborhood grocery stores near my home.  I couldn't help but chuckle as I walked past all the rows of empty shelves.  I thought it was so funny to see the product of mass hysteria, mostly because I just wonder why people are so scared.  And by saying this I feel like I give off a type of persona best put in this meme from long ago.

I sometimes think this meme is used to describe me at other times anyway; I can have a very dark sense of humor.  I apologize if it puts anyone on edge whenever they are around me.  I haven't done anything terribly awful.  And in good news, it's been a few years since I have punched someone besides my brother.

Now that I have gone on my first tangent, I will return to chuckling at empty shelves (and trying to keep it silent, so people around me don't think I am out of my mind).  Also, I know that it really is of concern that there are supplies that people need that they cannot get.  With that said, I'm not treating this whole Coronavirus thing as a joke, but I'm also not letting it get me down. 

I have been asked several times in my life how I can be so happy when bad or unfortunate stuff has happened to me or how I can have so much faith.  And as I reflect on how I can joke about things so much and find random things amusing or still be so happy when it seems the world is breaking down, I have come to find that there are two things that I truly rely on: a personal relationship with God and making my life as I want it.

A Personal Relationship with God

I know a lot of you know this, but I just thought I would share my experience again.  In 2009, when I was 15, my mom died.  It was very sudden.  She was checked into a hospital and diagnosed with Leukemia, and then a week and two days later, she was gone.  Between then and age 19, I learned to have a very good relationship with God.  Though I had so much family, church members, friends, and neighbors around me trying to support me, there was a lot of stuff that was said that was not comforting and even detrimental to an already hurting spirit.  I relied only on God for any self-worth and understanding to what I was going through.  I talked to God more than I talked to any other person.  As I talked to God, He talked to me too.  My self-esteem grew, and I came to know my worth.  I learned that God talks to us a lot more than we might think He does.  He knows infinitely more than we do, and guess what, it's gonna be okay.  We're gonna live.  And if we don't, then we're gonna be back with God, which is okay.  So it's all okay.  God knows what He is doing, believe it or not.

Provo, Utah (or birthday cake) Temple

Making My Own Life

I have always been an adventurous kid.  And I hate being another cliche; I must be my own person, or else what is the point.  Throughout my time as an undergraduate student, I had to take a few classes that involved positive psychology.  And I learned that our happiness is supposedly 50% genetic, 10% our circumstances, and 40% our choice.  So, this means that we determine almost half of our happiness.  We get to choose whether or not we are going to be happy.  But here's the great part: I don't know if these stats are true, so it might be more.  And, there's this other theory of epigenetics, which means that our environment and choices can turn on and off various aspects of our genetic code.  So that means that we can still do stuff to affect our 50% of genetic happiness.  Basically, we can decide to be happy.  Now, I'm not saying there is no such thing as depression and anxiety.  There is definitely that, but I think that we can make choices that will affect how much those illnesses wreak havoc on our minds and bodies.

I choose to see life as an adventure and a series of opportunities that we can take.  I would love to experience many of the things that life has to offer, and I choose to see my life as opportunities that have already been given and taken.  How many people have the experience of losing a loved one on their bucket list?  Probably no one, or at least not many.  That's a sad thing, but having experienced it, I am grateful for all of life's possible experiences.  I've been on many adventures, and I intend to keep going.  And that's why I laugh and cry and find happiness and create happiness.  I choose to make my life, instead of fearing it.  I still fear some things, but it doesn't always hold me back.  I like doing things that I am afraid of (for the most part).  I think it makes me look cool.

Doing Something that Terrifies Me

Life is what you make it.  I choose to laugh in times that are hard.  Laughing also has a higher chance of making someone else laugh than being a Debby Downer.  So you might just lighten someone else's load along the way.