Our Similarities

In a world that seems to be ever more divided, it's hard to feel that I have almost any similarities as others. In a world with social media and internet almost everywhere you go, we are connected more than ever before. And yet, I feel so estranged from people. Last night, I saw one of my Instagram friend's stories, and basically was saying that if I am a good Christian, I will vote for one presidential candidate. And then I saw another that said that if I am a good Christian, I will vote for the other presidential candidate. Either way, I am not a good Christian. And that's not me being facetious. I really have a lot to improve. I can do a whole lot more to be a better person. I've made lots and lots of mistakes. Even this year, there are situations that I handled quite poorly. And I've been a Christian since I can remember. However, Christ is perfect. And God is perfect. And they are the Ones that can bring us closer together.

The quote that I read today, that just touched me perfectly was the following:

God's Favourite

As a very visual learner, I liked this description of God's healing and uniting Love.  Hence the Venn diagram I created above. I honestly don't know how to reach out to people very well. Talking to people scares me. I tried to reach out to my ministering sisters today by bringing them cookies. And at a few of the houses, my heart was beating so fast because I just assume that I am doing something wrong and that the person I am trying to contact will react very negatively. But I took the first step. And as I continue to foster God's love in and around me, hopefully I will become less afraid and will be able to reach out to others more. I may be extremely different from someone, but with God's love, we are closer than we realize.

I don't know if most of this post makes sense, but I have been feeling a need to better serve others. Especially since I feel that most of what I see on Instagram and in the world is so divisive. But God's love can heal us and bring us closer. You may not believe in God, but His power is stronger than unbelief. He works miracles every day. And I hope to be an instrument through which He can work a few of those miracles.

Acting sluggishly

When you receive promptings from the Spirit, you are advised, or counseled, if you will, to act immediately. We talked about acting immediately in Relief Society a few weeks ago. A lot of the conversation was about missing opportunities and not being able to serve others, which may be the case, but this is my testimony from not acting immediately.

Over the course of the last year, I have prayed about so many things. I have received promptings and have acted not immediately. I have pretended that I was acting on the promptings, but it wasn’t a full follow or trust in the Savior’s plan.

Most of my promptings have been about my work situation. It is not ideal, and the promptings I have received also seem not ideal to me. In November last year, a rhetorical question asked during a lesson and/or during General Conference was, “If you had more faith, what would you do?” The immediate thought that came to my mind was, I would quit my job. Afraid Cami then did not quit her job but transitioned merely to a PRN position (as needed). This way, scared Cami could still have work and provide for herself and her husband.

Fast forward to June of this year. Still hesitant Cami was working PRN. Every shift she picked up, she lost more and more hope in her job. She gave up on trying to provide well thought out groups. She struggled to have motivation to keep providing authentic and encouraging recreation therapy. So, she wrote a resignation letter and didn’t come back.

Yes, I did it very poorly. But every time I thought about coming in for next shift, I wanted to cry. And I did cry. I felt so horrible about the way that I left. I also cried at work thinking about how much I could no longer stand my job and the feeling that I had very minimal support. And that my coworkers that did encourage me were also giving up. They also felt defeated.

So I quit. Seven months after the prompting, I finally acted 100% to that prompting.

I've seen a few wonderful changes from acting 100%, including my mood and outlook on life. Last year, I started tracking my mood and occasionally stress levels regularly. Almost immediately after quitting in June, my mood was consistently higher. I was rarely tracking my mood as bad. Whereas before I quit, my mood was almost always tracked as bad. My stress improved. My mood improved. I am so much happier. That job was sucking the life out of me.

evidation.com

Another blessing that has come from acting 100% on the quitting my job inspiration may be the ability to follow through with another prompting. I'm not saying that this is definitely the reason for the struggle, but it could be. This one may be TMI, so you don't have to keep reading this one. Just skip the asterisked section.

***

As I prayed about what to do with my life, I kept getting the prompting to have kids. And as my husband and I struggled to get pregnant, I would tell God that that wasn't a funny joke. He knew we had been trying, and yet he was telling me to have kids. At around 11 months, we had decided that if we weren't pregnant by this October, we would start the adoption process.

Almost immediately following quitting my job in June, we were able to get pregnant (at about 13 months). So, I guess technically we would be in the infertile category, but I feel I'm not allowed to talk about infertility because we did get pregnant, so there's that. I don't know if it was because my stress levels were finally so low or if God said, "Okay, you're finally listening to me, I'll bless you now." I won't ever really know, but I have a feeling it was a lot to do with my insane amount of stress from my job.

***

Sometimes when we don't act immediately, we aren't missing out on opportunities, but we may be delaying blessings. I'm not saying that God is going to not give you blessings because you don't follow His counsel and is just going to wait. But God does know best. He knows what is hurting us, and He tells us what will help us. When we aren't following our promptings, we are just continuing to hurt ourselves. We are the ones in the way of our own blessings. When we don't trust, we don't willing receive the help God is giving to us. Hopefully, I can do better in the future at following promptings immediately. 'Cause even though my situation is still not ideal, I am doing so much better than before.

New Team Cami Updates

Okay everybody, I have a new order form for Team Cami shirts. I definitely haven't worked out all the kinks yet. This is mostly for my people in Arizona, but if you happen to want a shirt somewhere else, we can figure something out. The cost might be higher for shipping, and I will contact you.

Here are two of my lovely models:

If you want a shirt, fill out this form: https://forms.gle/oPhRrSppvtiz9dbQA

Thanks! Have a blessed day!

2022 Reading Goal

 I had a goal this year to read 12 books (about 1 each month), which is not much in the reading community. I love reading, but I don’t have a lot of time because I’m doing so many different things all the time. So I thought I could read one book each month. I did not do that. I read 10 books. But, I also listened to 11 audiobooks. So count what you will. I really wanted to read read the 12 books. Here’s my list with a comment or two for each book.

This is a good book. It's historical fiction. It follows a slave girl as her mother escapes and gains freedom. I've read better books about this time period, but it's still a good read. 

This series is pretty good. If you like sci-fi-esque fairy tales, this is pretty good. It starts with cyborg Cinderella, which was a great way to start. It follows four fairy tale couples trying to overthrow the government. And there was really only one couple that I hated and was annoyed when reading about because they were just too lovey dovey.

Great book! For the most part, I love a lot of what Brene Brown says whenever I hear or read her stuff. It was fun to hear her narrate her own book. 

I finally listened to The Hobbit. I did not get to The Lord of The Rings books though. Maybe next year?

This one is so dry. The concept is quite interesting, but I had to renew it a few times to get through.

The Twisted Tale collection is pretty good. I love fairy tales. And they are all pretty easy reads. Maybe I like them because I am just a 12-year-old in an adult body. Some of them get pretty dark. I thought the Aladdin one was the darkest. I liked the concept of the Once Upon a Dream more of these two.

This one's good. I don't know what else to say about it, but it really is good and makes you think. 

This is a good short two stories. I wanted to actually go through the Legend of Sleepy Hollow around Halloween time because I hadn't ever heard or read the original story. I've just seen the headless horseman in different shows. 

I loved this one. If you are religious, it really makes you think. But, it also makes me want to take hold of my dreams and aspirations more. It's quite inspiring.

I love A Christmas Carol, so I had to listen to the classic. I also went and saw it on the stage. I feel like I haven't been to very many performances in the last few years, probably because of COVID. So it was a great way to get in the Christmas spirit.

It's an easy read. Easy to follow murder mystery. If you want something really easy to read and a not-too-dark murder mystery, this is the book to read.

I have to say this is one of those series that I was pulled in by the first book, and the rest of the books kept my interest here and there. The first book is great though. I could hardly put it down.

This is also a great book if you're religious. It also made me think a lot. I basically read it in one day (while I was on a plane). So it's an easy read.

I have one more book in this series to finish. I started the last book though, so it will be the start of next year's list of books. The second book took me a lot longer to read. Once again, I was drawn in more by the first book. Maybe it's the author? 'Cause it's the same author as the magician series.

Why Do You Stay?

When I was serving my mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I had two questions that I loved asking to other missionaries. Their answers to these questions showed me their heart, resilience, and if they were going to have a miserable time. The two questions were, "Why did you come on a mission?" and "Why do you stay on your mission?" I think these two questions apply to the church as a whole too. The reasons that people share as to why they joined and why they stay will tell so much. So, I wanted to share my answers to the two questions.

Why I Joined

I joined The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as an 8-year-old. I don't remember a lot. My parents had taught me the gospel since I was born. I knew there was a God, and I knew that getting baptized was a good thing to do. I don't really remember a whole lot else besides that. So, it's not the coolest answer as to why I joined the church. For people who have been baptized later in their life, I'm sure there are much more profound answers.

So, we'll just move onto the next, why don't we.

Why I Stay

The short answer is that there are times when I have undoubtedly felt the Spirit and have communicated with God that I cannot deny. There are things that I have experienced that lead me to believe that I am in the right place. The long answer is the following.

I know that God is real. Now, this doesn't particularly sway me to any church over another. This is a pretty general belief. But, without this, the rest of my testimony doesn't matter. God is real. And I am a daughter of God. I talk to God all the time. (Working in mental health makes this statement so weird because there are so many people who say God is talking to them and telling them to do different things that we classify that as psychosis. Where the difference between psychosis and true belief and conviction is, I don't know sometimes.) I have a true relationship with God that has helped me stay alive and to heal throughout my life.

I believe that Jesus Christ is my Savior. Again, not really particular to a specific church, but foundational. I believe there was an Atonement made to help me become better, to pick me up from my fallen state, to heal so many things that have been wounded, and the list goes on. I don't know everything about the Atonement (or else why faith?). I have lots of questions about the Atonement. I have lots of questions in regards to my relationship with God versus Jesus' relationship with God, and how those two relationships are in comparison, and lots of other things. But I still believe that Christ atoned for me.

I believe that The Book of Mormon is the word of God. Here's where we get a little more particular. The Book of Mormon has led me closer to God and Jesus Christ than any other book. I really love the four gospels in The New Testament, and I absolutely love a lot of Isaiah, but The Book of Mormon helps me understand more and has been more crucial to me coming to Jesus than The Bible. Granted, my Bible reading isn't the greatest and needs lot of improvement, so I should probably work on that. But, I will continue to read The Book of Mormon, and I will continue to come closer to my Savior.

I believe in the power of the temple. I have felt it. If I could live in the temple and just do family history work for the rest of my life, I would. There is no better place than the temple. In the temple, we make covenants, and we stand in as proxy for people who have past away to help them receive those covenants. The power of the Priesthood is abundant in the temple. It is almost tangible. At a time in my life where I wasn't able to go to church very often because of work, I was saved by going to the temple. Now, don't purposely not attend church but go to the temple because the Sacrament has power as well. But in my time where I was unable, the temple kept me sane while working full-time, going to school full-time, and dealing with the mental health of people at work and at home. I felt the difference on the weeks I did not make it to the temple. 

To add to the temple, I believe in the power of the covenants I have made with God. God has given me power, and I intend to do His will, so I can keep that power. I need all the help I can get in this life because I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm gonna keep talking to God and keep following His counsel, so I can get by and find the joy that He intends us to find. God's covenants protect us and inspire us. 

Lastly, I do have lots of questions. I doubt sometimes. With so many people leaving the church and sharing their experiences, I wonder what is happening. Why would people leave? And why haven't I? In the end, I think about all the experiences I have had: talking to God, going to the temple, reading the scriptures, discovering miracles in my life, etc. If those things were true then, how can they be untrue now? I have experienced too much that has made my life better to give it up. I want to continue to have those experiences, so I seek for them. I continue to talk to God, and He gives me answers (though most the time not answers that I expected or wanted). Ultimately, this gospel makes me happier, gives me more hope, makes me better and kinder, and leads me to amazing opportunities. I believe in God. I believe He is my Father. I believe He is kind and knows so much more than I do. I believe in Jesus Christ and His Atonement. And I want to become the person that They know I can be. I strive to do what is right. And The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints leads me to that. This is the church of Jesus Christ. I know because I've felt it. I've experienced it. And no one can take that away from me. And I can't force that on anyone. It's something everyone has to experience for themselves. So keep on living.

Sit for a Season

 Do you have patterns in your life? Do things and situations tend to repeat?

One pattern that I have found in my life is I realize that I need to make a decision several months in advance, I start to get my ideas in order, and I pray to know what to do, and God tells me to be patient in some form or another. And then He usually confirms or rejects my plans about a week or two before I absolutely have to have done something about the situation. Usually this happens when I am moving. Utah was a rough place for me because I wanted to move every year, and I would not come to a conclusion until I was a week or two away from moving. This resulted in lots of not renewing housing contracts and then scrambling to find one or miraculously being able to renew late. It also resulted in me quitting jobs and then asking for them back or finding new ones. And then my last year there, it ended with me still working for two weeks after my lease had ended, so I bummed on people's couches and did schoolwork at the park while camping in my car loaded with most of my possessions.

The awkward scrambling and other results from these decisions are not, however, the hard part. It's the patience. Patience is the hard part. It's the waiting for a confirmation to a decision and being told to just give it time in the meanwhile. The answer to have patience has come in so many forms. It's come in the form of "don't worry about that." It's been "don't give up on either." It's a "[it] will come to you," "wait," "I have a work for you to do" without added instruction, and sometimes no recognizable acknowledgement of my request. 

My current waiting period is "Sit for a Season."

What does it even mean to sit for a season? 'Cause I'm not just gonna sit and do nothing. At first glance, I think it's to stop trying to control so much. It's to sit back and let God handle things. Stay in the moment and just stay where you're at for now.

I know I'm going to move in June. I don't know where. My Indeed account is full of Recreation Therapist jobs saved. And mostly in other states. (Not Utah though. I did my time there.) Will I stay in Arizona? I don't know. Will I move to another state? Maybe. But ultimately I don't know right now. Everything just feels bleh. And God says to sit for a season. Just hold on for a moment.

But that's hard. I'm not a waiter. If anyone knows me, I finish people's sentences all the time because I don't know how to wait. If you know my family's Disneyland trends, we don't wait in a line for more than 45 minutes. (We're the people that speed walk past everyone and somehow have fast passes for all the fun rides. But since Disney's changing, we'll need a new strategy.) I can't sit still. The only thing that can hold my attention for more than an hour is jigsaw puzzles. Once it's 20-30 minutes into a task, I have to do something else. Actually, I can read for a few hours as well. But here God is, asking me to wait. Sometimes it feels like I'm going to wait for my whole life. Just wait.

Funny story, one time I was praying, and the answer was "Patience." And so I said, "I know, I know, patience. But how long do I have to be patient for?" And then God and I had a good laugh.

If you want some definitions for sit that fit this situation, here they be:

• remain in a certain state or position
• to remain quiescent (quiescent is dormant or inactive)
• to serve as a model (as in having a picture taken/painted) (this is definitely the meaning for this situation)
• to rest something
• to be located in a particular position

So I guess I am to stay for a moment. 

I just want to know my next adventure. Because I know one is coming. I know I am moving. It feels that things are wrapping up where they are. Friends are heading in different directions. I'm getting antsy. I don't like when I start getting stagnant. I've been in the same position for too long. I'm not learning anything new. My life is redundant. It feels like time to go.

And God says to sit.

At least for a season. Winter is a season. And also spring. Come summer, it's time for the next grand (or not so grand) adventure. And I won't know what it is until then. Waiting is the true refiner's fire. So maybe I will at least be a little more refined by the time June rolls around. We shall wait and see. And then I will move into a season of standing and moving.

How to Live a Hallmark Holiday Movie . . . But Only the Awkward Parts

Guys! I have been working at my job for a year now. This is huge! (Please don't say that in Trump voice.) I haven't been at the same place for a year since 2016. Let me tell ya that it's been an adventure since graduating with my undergraduate degree. Life does not go as expected. I wanted to do something big for this achievement because it has felt like it wouldn't ever happen again. So, here's my story, kind of like a Hallmark Holiday movie, but only the awkward parts. Sorry for any typos in advance. It's basically a novel.

Severely Poor Attempt at a Hallmark Holiday Movie Cover

Holiday #1

This story opens on a single, slightly down on her luck, mid-20s female who recently moved back to her home state and moved in with her dad, stepmom, and some younger siblings. It's the beginning of November in Arizona, so people aren't wearing all the cute winter coats, but they are starting to wear pants instead of shorts.

"Cami, can you pick up the kids from school? I have a previous engagement at that time," Cami's stepmother asked one afternoon.

"Uh, I guess, but I have job interview right after. But, I can probably make it on time," Cami replied hesitantly and with lots of second guessing going on in her brain. It was probably visible on her face that she was unsure if she would actually make it to the interview on time.

"Thanks! There's no way I can be in both places at once."

"Uh, yeah. You're welcome."

Stepmother exited the doorway of the bedroom Cami was sharing with her 15-year-old brother. Cami then bent over her small suitcase to find an outfit that would be at least slightly acceptable for an interview. She steamed the outfit to get out the wrinkles, hurriedly changed, and hopped in the family mini van to go retrieve the high schoolers.

Cami's two brothers were already waiting on the curb and hopped in the car as soon as Cami pulled up.

"How was school today?"

"Mmmm," grunted brother #1.

"Okay," said brother #2.

"Okay," Cami responded. She didn't ask any more questions because she knew that the answers would be similar. The brothers and Cami sat in the car not speaking for a few minutes until younger sister showed up and got in the car. Cami dropped off the younger siblings back at home and zoomed away (well as fast as Cami ever goes, which is usually the speed limit). 

The interview was for an assisted living center. Most of Arizona's Recreation Therapy jobs tend to be with geriatric populations. The interview went well, and Cami was able to answer all of the questions confidently. They had a good chat; however, the employer was hesitant because all of Cami's experience up to this point was in adolescent mental health. Cami didn't end up getting the job or ever even hearing back from the company.

After several job applications, interviews, and rejections, Cami applied for some temporary, holiday jobs because you know, 'tis the season. After being rejected for several of those jobs as well, Cami finally got an interview for a sportswear retail position. During the interview, the interviewer didn't ask many questions and kept giving signs that they were desperate, including stating that they were desperate and still needed several holiday positions filled. Cami then left with a job.

About a week later, Cami started the job on Thanksgiving afternoon. Cami had zero training and was told just to return clothes to their original spot after they were moved or put in the dressing room area. Cami was flustered and was following around a lady who had already tried on seven coats and put the coats in random spots as well as the hangers. It's a good thing Cami likes to play hide and seek with hangers because she got to do a lot of that during the evening. As Cami was rushing around in a flustered, semi-spastic manner, she bumped into a male customer, about 6 foot tall, dark hair, and gorgeous smile.

"I am so sorry," apologized Cami, "I was in such a rush, I didn't see you walk over here."

"That's alright," grinned the handsome man.

Cami gazed into his eyes a few seconds too long. The handsome man just smiled back.

"Oh! Is there anything I can help you find? I can give you information about lots of ski jackets, rain jackets, or fleece items."

"No that's alright. I'm actually just here with a friend who's getting stuff together for a trip he's doing next week. He thought he could get some good deals for Black Friday."

"Yeah, but it's not even Friday yet," Cami responded a little too quickly and a little too judgmentally. Then she added, "I mean, there are lots of deals going on right now. The best deals are on our fleece items today. And tomorrow, we'll have more deals on our ski gear. If you do have any questions, let me or another associate know. We'll help you find what you need."

As Cami walked back to the women's coat area to hang up the miscellaneous scattered coats, she smiled and thought about the man's beautiful deep brown eyes. Little did Cami know, she would see that man again later that week randomly at the park. And then they would start seeing each other a lot, and they would have a wonderful holiday romance.

Just kidding, none of that stuff with the handsome man happened. Cami just ran around super flustered and irritated with the lady who wouldn't stop hiding the hangers. If this was a Hallmark movie, that would be where the guy made his debut. But he didn't. Just some annoying ladies who tried to tell the staff they could use seven discount codes at a time.

When Cami got back home that evening, she trudged up the stairs, into the bedroom, and flopped on the bed. She asked her brother how Thanksgiving evening was.

"Mm," responded brother #1, "How was working?"

"Mm," responded Cami.

Cami changed into PJs and brushed her teeth. She and brother #1 read scriptures silently and separately on their respective beds. Once they were both done reading scriptures and saying prayers, they turned off the light and went to bed. They slept soundly and rose to another day.

In the morning, Cami got up and went to work again for actual Black Friday. It was about the same as the night before, but now she had one shift's experience. Cami continued to work at that job throughout the holiday season. She spent Christmas with her family and played in a Christmas orchestra. The temporary, holiday job ended in January, and Cami got to go live with her sister for a few months. Later that year, she got a job as a Recreation Therapist at a Residential Treatment Center for adolescents.

Holiday #2

Cami had worked at the Residential Treatment Center for about 5-6 months when she stopped by her aunt's house on her way home from work in early November. Cami always loved visiting with family, and Auntie always wanted to feed anyone who came over. Cami and Auntie talked over some burritos and chips and salsa.

"How is work going these days?" asked Auntie.

"It's okay. Today was rough. The cops were already at the facility before I showed up today. It's been getting really bad lately. Usually the cops come sometime while I'm at work, but they were already there before me today. We just don't have the staff power to handle the kids. All the staff are temps from some third party company, and they don't know what they're doing."

"Is there any way you can get more staff? And get them trained quickly?"

"Not really. No one wants to work there because the management is so bad. I want to get a new job. I think I'm going to give myself until January 15 to find a new one."

"Are you still looking to do the same kind of thing?"

"Yeah, I still like working with adolescents and in mental health. It's just this facility is awful. I really want to just start my own business. I would love to create a private practice, where I treat the family as a whole rather than just one or two individuals."

"That would be amazing. I'm sure people would love to come do Recreation Therapy with you and their families. You're so fun and have a way of sharing truths with people in a nonthreatening way." Auntie was always reassuring and liberal with compliments. She has something good to say about everyone.

Cami headed home after the dinner and talk, ready to start applying to jobs again. She hopped on her job application profile and looked at all the saved jobs and job applications from the year before. If only applying to jobs got you money, Cami would have made bank over the last two years. Cami applied to one or two jobs that night and went to bed. She had to get up early for a mandatory meeting for all staff at her job the next morning.

The next morning, she woke up and headed to work, hours before her actual start time. She made it to the mandatory meeting, dreading the long day ahead. A bunch of higher ups were in the meeting. People she had never met but had seen their names on emails to the whole company. The supervisor over this particular facility started the meeting:

"About a year ago, this program was taken in by our parent company to try to save it. We have been working hard over the last year to make positive changes to this program. We've changed schedules and created new positions. We've hired experienced professionals. Today, however, we are sad to say that this program still just isn't cutting it. This program will be closing on the 1st of December and then will be reopened as a different program early next year. We have no need for any of the staff in this program unless you are in a Director position. If you choose to leave before the final day, we ask for notice as quickly as possible. If not, your last day is the 1st of December. HR is here all week for any questions you may have. And we give our best wishes as the holidays approach."

And then the meeting was over. Cami walked to her office with a sense of relief and the realization that this was an easy out. However, this meant she was walking into a holiday season unemployed and struggling to find work. Good thing she had started applying to jobs the night before. This was Cami's chance to start that business that she had been thinking about for a few years. She now had all the time in the world because she wasn't going to have a job in a month. (Which also meant she would no longer have insurance. They don't mention that in Hallmark movies.) Cami had been designing and re-designing her business idea. She was even doing an online Masters program focusing on Recreation Management and how to develop a business plan.

If this was a Hallmark movie, this is the part where Cami would volunteer to help with some big family activity for someone in the community. Some random lady would see that Cami can do great activity planning and implementation and then ask for Cami to do an event for her family, becoming the first customer in Cami's new Family Recreation Therapy business. However, Cami just continued to do her graduate classes and apply to jobs.

Holiday #3

Cami had been working for about 7 months for an adult day center. She was enjoying the less stressful environment due to not working with adolescent mental health. She was not enjoying the more stressful environment due to a virus that had created a pandemic across the globe and the new precautions instituted in the company. The attendance had been increasingly low due to the virus, and the center had closed for about 6 months, during which Cami and the other staff had to do online activities for their seniors and participants with Traumatic Brain Injury. They also had helped with re-painting the center and putting together new tables. At this point (the beginning of November), the center was open again.

Cami was attending to one of the participants.

"You know what we should do with this apple juice?!" exclaimed Participant and then continued with several reassuring nods, "We should let it sit out and make moonshine. I have ingredients that we can add to it to do so. Just give me the word, and I will help make it for everyone."

Cami responded, "We don't make that here. We're not gonna make any of your alcoholic beverages. I don't know what kind of establishment you think this is."

"Okay, we can keep it on the down low, and we have to tell anyone that we're making moonshine," suggested the participant.

"How about you just drink your apple juice? I'm sure that's also a good idea."

"Well, it was worth a shot." Participant went back to eating his lunch, and Cami walked away to go help another participant.

As Cami was walking away, her supervisor pulled her to the side and said, "We have a mandatory meeting for all of the day centers in our company. It's at 3:00, so the last 30 minutes of your shift will be in the meeting. Don't worry about staffing, the nurse and the receptionist will still be in here to take care of everyone. They'll take care of snack and cleaning up."

At 3:00pm, Cami and the rest of the staff (besides the nurse and receptionist) went to the large office for the meeting. At this point, Cami could already guess what was happening. The company had been struggling to continue providing services for their fewer and fewer participants. Cami knew this was the end. The group was told that the center would be closed for real this time with no intention to open it anytime soon. All participants would be going to one central day center, which was not the one Cami was working at, so she was entering another unemployed holiday season. Good thing she always had her job search site handy with saved jobs she might apply to.

Cami faced a few decisions. She had graduated that summer with her Master's degree and with a completed business plan. The hard part about deciding to start your own business is that you need money. And Cami did not have money. And another thing that Hallmark movies don't show when their lovely, blissful protagonists finally get their happy ending is TAXES. Taxes are so hard to figure out for a new sole proprietor business. You have to just guess, and if you guess too high, you don't have money to eat. And if you guess too low, you are penalized. So, it's cool. As Cami thought of her options, she applied to a job that evening. She faced the option of starting her own business for real this time.

A week later, Cami had an interview with the one job that she applied to and got the job. She started the week before Thanksgiving. There was no break between the two jobs. In fact, she had to use three days of PTO from her old job to cover the three days that the center was open, but Cami was in training for her new job.

Holiday #4

That job was as a Recreation Therapist at a mental health hospital. Cami has now been working that job for a year. She enjoys her job. There's a bit of stress with the content of the job; but she is doing well. This year, she did not enter the holiday season unemployed. She didn't get the boy like in the Hallmark movies. And she didn't start her business. But she has a job, so she's happy about that. She did run a Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving morning. She got first place for women in her age bracket (19-29). So, she did win a contest of sorts (which is a very Hallmark movie thing to do). She was, however, the only woman in her age bracket (which is the "but only the awkward part"). 

Throughout the four years, of course there were also the awkward parts of family members telling the protagonist what she's doing wrong in dating. Hallmark movies at least get that awkward part right. And that, my friends, is how you live a Hallmark holiday movie, but only the awkward parts. 

If you made it all the way through, I am so sorry and hopefully enjoyed some of it. As a reward, here's another picture that I took while trying to get a good picture for the movie cover. I tried to do my best Hallmark hair curl. I don't do hair, so that's that. I was also really getting into the 90s kid school pictures, so here is my favorite.

Happy Holidays everyone! I hope you have a job, or are secure with money and insurance. The Hallmark movies really don't talk about insurance, which has given me grief over the last few years. I hope you have a great holiday season and that you have peace and hope. God is good and takes care of us. If this is a season of trial, my heart goes out to you. Holidays can be hard. If you need someone to talk to, I am an open ear. I love all y'all.

Compelled to Be Humble

I am a very capable person. "Here goes narcissistic Cami again," say the two people who read this blog. I'm not saying that I'm absolutely terrific at everything. That's not even close. What I mean is that I am okay at a lot of things, and I'm a quick learner. If someone needs me to do something, I can learn pretty quickly and do a semi-decent job. And I can do a lot of things semi-decently. I don't know a lot about anything, but I know a little about a lot of things.

Sometimes this capability combined with an overwhelming fear that I am a burden on everyone I meet means I do things on my own. All the time. I am not good at asking for help. And I exacerbate that by trying to help others. All the time. I can't be a burden on people if I'm helping, right?

Wrong.

Just kidding, I just wanted to say that. Well, actually sometimes people are burdensome when they are trying to help. But that's not really the point I want to make today.

I find a lot of purpose in my being able to help people. Because without helping others, I'm not much else. And even if people don't like me, I can at least make a small difference in their lives. Within the last month, an overwhelming inability to help people has come to my attention. I have several areas of my life where I am literally powerless. I have family members, friends, and even myself who need help in some way or another, and am absolutely of no use. Nothing I do can change some things. And it hurts. It's a hard truth. As one of my co-workers says often, "Truth hurts with Cami." (I'm am a little too well-known for being blunt and telling people how it is.)

My purpose is to help people. And I can't. Which is really, really awful. I've cried a tear or two almost every day for three weeks. But it was at the most inconvenient times, so I had to truncate the tears. Funny story, there was one group I was in where another therapist said something hurtful to me. Since we wear masks, I cried one tear that just dripped down my cheek into my mask, so no one could see it. And it's just so funny to think about now, but I only allowed my one tear and then tried to stifle the sniffling. My nose runs so bad when I cry. So bad. I'm pretty sure my crying actually comes out of my nose more than my eyes. Anyway, this has been a fun tangent. Short story: It has been a long and rough month with things that I can't help with or control piling up and compounding. So I finally just cried and cried.

I was "compelled to be humble" as Alma 32 talks about. I couldn't just be humble on my own; I had to have everything pile up and then sit on the floor crying for an hour to really let it go. And I had to hear in General Conference that I need to give my whole soul to Christ and that the Lord will help me more than I can help myself. I have to give it all--all of it, everything, my whole self--to the Lord. I have been okay at giving some of it to the Lord, even all parts of a few aspects of my life to the Lord. But it's not enough. I literally don't have power on my own.

I can't do a lot of things. I can't take away people's anxieties or depressions. I can't take away people's desires to kill themselves. I can't make anyone accept the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I can't make any of the boys I like, like me back. I can't make someone talk to me. I can't make anyone stop abusing anyone else. And the list goes on and on. I can't do a lot of things.

Jesus can. I don't know what He will. But He can. And He will do more than I can. So I have to give everything up, not just a little bit. Give all of it.

In light of not being able to do stuff, I call the series below "Cami Trying Something New and Not Knowing What She's Doing." The backstory is that I was trying to involve more movement/dance (granted very simple dance--or so I thought) into my Recreation Therapy. And this was me recording myself to see what moves I liked and trying to decide how I would put the moves together. These shots are in the middle of several moves that I tried. I have not run this new group idea with any patients yet. It's a work in progress.

Time for More Quotes

Hey guys! Here are the quotes from May to August of this year. Some of them might be funny. I think I'm way funnier than I actually am. (Also, lots of quotes I write down because the other people involved laughed a lot.) Maybe some of you will enjoy something in here.

Talking about the Buzz Lightyear ride at Disneyland
Griffin: I don't like the line 'cause it smells like Buzz crack.
(I was told this was an old joke, but I laughed too hard when I heard it this time.)

Griffin: It gives you Diabetes 3.

Cami: Can you sing the whole song while breathing in?

Cami, Sabrina, and Kenzie proceed to say/sing random stuff while breathing in

Emmett: How much space is on this computer?

Cami: I would guess about 20 inches.

Emmett rolls his eyes

(It was only 18.5 inches.)

Cami: My roommates have boys, but I have pockets that my Book of Mormon can fit in.

Cami: Neither of my roommates ate a piece, so I had to eat all the cheesecake by myself.

Cami: Someone lost a lot of sandpaper. And that's rough.

Emmett: One of these years, in like 30 years, we should...

Lady at WDW to her kid: Yes, this is where the dragon farted on you.

Cami: The best picture was you picking your bum.

Emmett: I was putting trash in my pocket.

WDW trip

Sabrina: Oh it's the sterile popcorn.

Cami: Did you say sterile popcorn?

[Pause]

Sabrina: What's the word?

Cami: Stale.

Sabrina: I need to go to bed.

Cami: Well at least we know it's clean or can't have children.

Cami: I'm such an introvert, and it hurts sometimes.

Cami: You can't eat yellow snow, but the brown snow is fine. Bad tips with Cami.

Cami: It's a good thing people don't complain about womanspreading because I do it all the time.

Katie: What are Grape Nuts?

Cami: They're bran turds.

My dad to my older sister:

Cami when she saw the birthday sign: Well... that's lame.

Cami: Two-thirds of my sentences are...

[Long pause and no one can remember the last third of the sentence]

Making dinner

Sarah: I think it's done, and I hope it's good.

When my coworker and I were talking about the construction going on in our building

Cami: And then they deleted the bathroom.

While making a bunch of small, ugly dolls for a prank

Cami: When the Prophet said, "God loves effort," is this what he meant?

Kenzie: That's the funniest thing I've heard all day.

My coworker, busting into the office: I didn't even poop!

Sabrina: It all started when she made me a diaper.

Talking about turning 45

Coworker: What?! Cami, you still have like 85 years to go.

Patient: Bye despicable lady.

Cami: Bye less despicable adolescent.

Talking about my uncle in Australia

Aunt: Do you have his number?

Cami: Does he have an iphone?

Aunt: Well, it's a weird number.

Cami: [Pause] Does he have an iphone?

Music Changes My Life

I have a fun story for all y'all. I come from a very talented family, and being the easily distracted wild child that I am, I have always been just mediocre. As a teenager, my family tried to get me to play the organ. My grandma played, and my aunt plays, and my sister plays. I refused because it was just another thing for me to be mediocre at, especially compared to family. So, I touched an organ probably three times without  playing anything at all. My poor grandma and older sister had to deal with my being a booger while my grandma tried to teach the both of us. But I refused.

God saw and said, "Ha ha ha, watch this."

And as an 18-year-old, I was made the organist in my college ward. And I have now played the organ in four of my wards in the last 10 years. So, moral of the story is God's got jokes.

Besides my rise to mediocrity in organism (hahahaha, yes!), okay in organ playing, music has become an interesting tool in my life. I never thought as a child that I would go far with music. And really I haven't, but it's one of my talents that has gotten me to different places. Music is one of those things that I have used to express my emotions and to soothe my emotions. Music is meant to make you feel. And music is meant to help you heal.

2018 Christmas Concert

I have been feeling lonely quite a bit lately. And I'm terrible at asking for a friend. So the other day I turned on my Christmas music. Sometimes I say Christmas music is my favorite as a joke.  (It's not a joke.) And, guess what! The song that came on was "He is Born" by David Archuleta.  The last verse says,

Stepping down from Heaven's throne

To show us that we're not alone

The truest love, a single light

The Son of God, Christmas Night.

I have had many experiences, too many to count, where music was the way God spoke to me. Sometimes it has been just the right message at the right time. Sometimes it has been a specific verse from a favorite hymn coming to my mind. Sometimes it has been the warm feeling everyone talks about during a hymn. Sometimes it has been playing piano is the only thing to calm me down. Sometimes it's playing a piece over and over again with several mistakes and the best version being at the meeting it has been prepared for. God has sent angels to help me with my music. I'm still not super great, but music has helped me find the beauty in the world and come closer to God.

I'm thankful for all the times I have been able to serve in church through music. It's been one of the biggest ways I have worked in church since I was 12. And most likely it will be how I continue to work in the church. Luckily, I have learned a few things over the years and am better than I was as a 14-year-old doing random stuff on the Seminary piano. Humility comes quickly to those who must play in front of everybody.

God speaks to us individually. How does God speak to you?

Okay, one last fun story. My first year playing the organ, I played the three verses of the song and then sat at the organ waiting for the person who was designated to come up and say the prayer. I just sat there for 15-20 seconds, and then I looked at the chorister. She whispered, "There's a fourth verse." I said, "Sorry!" and continued with the fourth verse. The congregation sung the fourth verse and then the prayer person came up. One of the bishopric members shared that story throughout the rest of the year and would tell the congregation, "Most of the time, we just need people who are willing to say, 'Sorry,' and then keep on going." I became a great lesson to that ward. As stated above, humility comes quickly when you're in front of everybody.

The Dole Whips of Singlehood

My family had been planning a Disneyland 2020 trip for a few years. So, at the beginning of 2019, I said that if I wasn't married by the Disneyland trip, I would buy myself seven dole whips (blog post link for proof here). I'm apparently the type of person who eats her feelings. The reward for getting married was being married even though my family members tried to convince me it was to buy eight Dole Whips. As of the end of December 2019 when my family started our Disneyland trip, I was not married and had to buy myself seven Dole Whips. It has now taken me almost a year and a half to finally get those Dole Whips. I completed my quest this week. Here are my Dole Whips and photogenic self. Despite the faces, I enjoyed all of them.

Number 1: Lemon with Blue Raspberry slush that was pretty good despite it being lemon flavored. My brother had to help me eat it.

Number 2: Pineapple-Raspberry swirl. It was good. I wish I had tried a few more swirl flavors.

Number 3: Pineapple. The OG. It was delicious.

Number 4: Coconut with Pineapple juice. My brother and I found a bunch of Dole floats at Disney World. This is by far my favorite. The coconut dole whip is fantastic. And mixed with pineapple juice is amazing. If you ever go to Disney World, this is the float you must get.

Number 5: Pineapple. You can't go wrong with the pineapple. Except I cut my tongue on the plastic cup.

Number 6: Pineapple with Watermelon, Strawberry, and Coconut syrup. Not my favorite but good to try once. I couldn't really taste specifically watermelon, strawberry, or coconut, just kind of weird flavor mixed with the pineapple.

Number 7: Orange with Strawberry Fanta. It was delicious. I forgot that I like strawberry Fanta.

Well, if you wanted to know why I'm single it's because I only eat sugar and spend all my money going to Disney parks. Okay, that's not the reason, but it probably doesn't help. Thanks for looking at my weird pictures.

She Doth Quote the Wise and Herself

Alright guys! I got the quotes from January to March of this year.

Emmett: Have you ever played Shrek 2 on the game cube on the virtual Wii on the WiiU?

Sabrina: Grill and chill?

Cami: Yeah, they grill you, as in ask you a bunch of questions. And if you get them right, you chill.

Random 11-12 year old boy in a group: No one wants to be in your stupid TikTok, Nate.

Cami: I date to get married. I don't date for fun. Because dating isn't fun.

Cami: I'm just gonna stand here opening my knife.

Sabrina: I'm just gonna close this door and lock it.

Brittany: Don't give kisses for organs.

After seeing a sign about active bees in the area

Brandt: What are inactive bees?

Cami: Bees that don't go to church often.

Putting markers on the whiteboard tray

Cami: Ooh, what if I put a permanent marker up here?

Coworker: That is some chaotic energy.

When people were trying to get me to do a "princess" serve at volleyball.

Cami: I'm not a princess... I'm the dragon.

Hanging with the Bros

My contestants this week were my brothers, Tito and Griffin. Tito (Emmett) took me out to lunch for part of my Christmas present, and Griffin joined. I don't even remember what we talked about. I know we talked about how weird people are. But, I don't remember. I know there was something about chickens and something about a letter on one of the cups to designate which drink it was. Emmett lost my game because we both laughed.

Technically, Griffin won the game, but he was also in the back seat of the car and randomly joined us. It was kind of an awkward game altogether because I couldn't see both of my competitors and was driving, and then we ended back at home where people would walk by, so it wasn't my best effort. Griffin said that his grand prize would be that he didn't have to show his face in a picture, so here's his game photo.

As if that picture is any less awkward. (Also, Cane's do you want to sponsor me?) It was a good lunch with the brothers. I think Emmett made Griffin laugh. Does that count?

Also, Emmett, is this the picture you actually wanted me to post?  (Nobody has to worry about a bunch of people seeing their awkward pictures because I only have three people that read my blog. Maybe three.)

Thanks brothers! Who wants to take me out to lunch next? Or we can get some Andy's or Dairy Queen. Or I can do FaceTime or Zoom for virtual game time.

The Secret to Moving Forward

 This week, I got some unfortunate news. As I drove home, I cried and listened to my Jesus music. The first song to come on was "No One Ever Cared for Me Like Jesus" by Steffany Gretzinger.  Near the end of the song, she sings,

I'm still in love

You're still enough for me

Still all I want

You're still my everything

It's as if Steffany took the confusion and mixed up feelings of my heart and put them in a song. I'm still in love with Jesus. (I know it is kind of weird wording, but in the moment, it was enough.) He's still my everything. No matter what comes my way, I somehow still have faith and believe that He is watching over me.

I maybe have cried myself to sleep the last two nights and several other times throughout the days, but I know I will make it.  Somehow I always do. The secret to moving forward is faith in Jesus Christ. When all else has failed me, Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father are always there.

Between the ages of 15 and 19, my support system collapsed, and I withdrew from people. I couldn't trust anyone to help me, and I turned to God. God was literally the only one who could help me. There's a lot of trauma from those years, and there's a lot of growth from those years. I am not the same person I was before then, and I am not the same person I was during then. The one thing that I will forever hold onto is how God was there.  And He will forever be the reason why I am able to move forward.

I invite you to seek God. Even if you want to shout and curse at Him, He is there and will listen. He knows your hurt. He will help you. I promise God is there and that He will help you move forward.

Another line that is repeated in Steffany's song is, "His faithful hand has held me all this way." It's true.