The Dole Whips of Marriage

Sorry I've been gone for so long (as if anybody stays up-to-date on my blog). If you have actually stayed in the know, I wrote about The Dole Whips of Singlehood a while ago. (It's been two years.) I said that I would get myself 7 dole whips if I was single during my family's Disneyland trip. The old blog post explains how that did and didn't happen. But my sister tried to convince me to get 8 if I was married on that trip. Well, I finally had my "8th" Dole Whip.

My "8th" Dole Whip

I got married in March, and my reception was held at my aunt's sister's backyard. I had an idea of what I wanted to have as food for the reception, and it became a "potluck" of sorts for my aunt's family. I did not know that there would be Dole whips. I guess it was a last minute thing that happened. But it was perfect! So many guests loved the treat. And my older sister was so happy that I finally got to have my marriage Dole whip.

Also take a look at these cuties who had some with me.

Here's my new family member

Yes, that's a Team Cami shirt

How to Live a Hallmark Holiday Movie . . . But Only the Awkward Parts

Guys! I have been working at my job for a year now. This is huge! (Please don't say that in Trump voice.) I haven't been at the same place for a year since 2016. Let me tell ya that it's been an adventure since graduating with my undergraduate degree. Life does not go as expected. I wanted to do something big for this achievement because it has felt like it wouldn't ever happen again. So, here's my story, kind of like a Hallmark Holiday movie, but only the awkward parts. Sorry for any typos in advance. It's basically a novel.

Severely Poor Attempt at a Hallmark Holiday Movie Cover

Holiday #1

This story opens on a single, slightly down on her luck, mid-20s female who recently moved back to her home state and moved in with her dad, stepmom, and some younger siblings. It's the beginning of November in Arizona, so people aren't wearing all the cute winter coats, but they are starting to wear pants instead of shorts.

"Cami, can you pick up the kids from school? I have a previous engagement at that time," Cami's stepmother asked one afternoon.

"Uh, I guess, but I have job interview right after. But, I can probably make it on time," Cami replied hesitantly and with lots of second guessing going on in her brain. It was probably visible on her face that she was unsure if she would actually make it to the interview on time.

"Thanks! There's no way I can be in both places at once."

"Uh, yeah. You're welcome."

Stepmother exited the doorway of the bedroom Cami was sharing with her 15-year-old brother. Cami then bent over her small suitcase to find an outfit that would be at least slightly acceptable for an interview. She steamed the outfit to get out the wrinkles, hurriedly changed, and hopped in the family mini van to go retrieve the high schoolers.

Cami's two brothers were already waiting on the curb and hopped in the car as soon as Cami pulled up.

"How was school today?"

"Mmmm," grunted brother #1.

"Okay," said brother #2.

"Okay," Cami responded. She didn't ask any more questions because she knew that the answers would be similar. The brothers and Cami sat in the car not speaking for a few minutes until younger sister showed up and got in the car. Cami dropped off the younger siblings back at home and zoomed away (well as fast as Cami ever goes, which is usually the speed limit). 

The interview was for an assisted living center. Most of Arizona's Recreation Therapy jobs tend to be with geriatric populations. The interview went well, and Cami was able to answer all of the questions confidently. They had a good chat; however, the employer was hesitant because all of Cami's experience up to this point was in adolescent mental health. Cami didn't end up getting the job or ever even hearing back from the company.

After several job applications, interviews, and rejections, Cami applied for some temporary, holiday jobs because you know, 'tis the season. After being rejected for several of those jobs as well, Cami finally got an interview for a sportswear retail position. During the interview, the interviewer didn't ask many questions and kept giving signs that they were desperate, including stating that they were desperate and still needed several holiday positions filled. Cami then left with a job.

About a week later, Cami started the job on Thanksgiving afternoon. Cami had zero training and was told just to return clothes to their original spot after they were moved or put in the dressing room area. Cami was flustered and was following around a lady who had already tried on seven coats and put the coats in random spots as well as the hangers. It's a good thing Cami likes to play hide and seek with hangers because she got to do a lot of that during the evening. As Cami was rushing around in a flustered, semi-spastic manner, she bumped into a male customer, about 6 foot tall, dark hair, and gorgeous smile.

"I am so sorry," apologized Cami, "I was in such a rush, I didn't see you walk over here."

"That's alright," grinned the handsome man.

Cami gazed into his eyes a few seconds too long. The handsome man just smiled back.

"Oh! Is there anything I can help you find? I can give you information about lots of ski jackets, rain jackets, or fleece items."

"No that's alright. I'm actually just here with a friend who's getting stuff together for a trip he's doing next week. He thought he could get some good deals for Black Friday."

"Yeah, but it's not even Friday yet," Cami responded a little too quickly and a little too judgmentally. Then she added, "I mean, there are lots of deals going on right now. The best deals are on our fleece items today. And tomorrow, we'll have more deals on our ski gear. If you do have any questions, let me or another associate know. We'll help you find what you need."

As Cami walked back to the women's coat area to hang up the miscellaneous scattered coats, she smiled and thought about the man's beautiful deep brown eyes. Little did Cami know, she would see that man again later that week randomly at the park. And then they would start seeing each other a lot, and they would have a wonderful holiday romance.

Just kidding, none of that stuff with the handsome man happened. Cami just ran around super flustered and irritated with the lady who wouldn't stop hiding the hangers. If this was a Hallmark movie, that would be where the guy made his debut. But he didn't. Just some annoying ladies who tried to tell the staff they could use seven discount codes at a time.

When Cami got back home that evening, she trudged up the stairs, into the bedroom, and flopped on the bed. She asked her brother how Thanksgiving evening was.

"Mm," responded brother #1, "How was working?"

"Mm," responded Cami.

Cami changed into PJs and brushed her teeth. She and brother #1 read scriptures silently and separately on their respective beds. Once they were both done reading scriptures and saying prayers, they turned off the light and went to bed. They slept soundly and rose to another day.

In the morning, Cami got up and went to work again for actual Black Friday. It was about the same as the night before, but now she had one shift's experience. Cami continued to work at that job throughout the holiday season. She spent Christmas with her family and played in a Christmas orchestra. The temporary, holiday job ended in January, and Cami got to go live with her sister for a few months. Later that year, she got a job as a Recreation Therapist at a Residential Treatment Center for adolescents.

Holiday #2

Cami had worked at the Residential Treatment Center for about 5-6 months when she stopped by her aunt's house on her way home from work in early November. Cami always loved visiting with family, and Auntie always wanted to feed anyone who came over. Cami and Auntie talked over some burritos and chips and salsa.

"How is work going these days?" asked Auntie.

"It's okay. Today was rough. The cops were already at the facility before I showed up today. It's been getting really bad lately. Usually the cops come sometime while I'm at work, but they were already there before me today. We just don't have the staff power to handle the kids. All the staff are temps from some third party company, and they don't know what they're doing."

"Is there any way you can get more staff? And get them trained quickly?"

"Not really. No one wants to work there because the management is so bad. I want to get a new job. I think I'm going to give myself until January 15 to find a new one."

"Are you still looking to do the same kind of thing?"

"Yeah, I still like working with adolescents and in mental health. It's just this facility is awful. I really want to just start my own business. I would love to create a private practice, where I treat the family as a whole rather than just one or two individuals."

"That would be amazing. I'm sure people would love to come do Recreation Therapy with you and their families. You're so fun and have a way of sharing truths with people in a nonthreatening way." Auntie was always reassuring and liberal with compliments. She has something good to say about everyone.

Cami headed home after the dinner and talk, ready to start applying to jobs again. She hopped on her job application profile and looked at all the saved jobs and job applications from the year before. If only applying to jobs got you money, Cami would have made bank over the last two years. Cami applied to one or two jobs that night and went to bed. She had to get up early for a mandatory meeting for all staff at her job the next morning.

The next morning, she woke up and headed to work, hours before her actual start time. She made it to the mandatory meeting, dreading the long day ahead. A bunch of higher ups were in the meeting. People she had never met but had seen their names on emails to the whole company. The supervisor over this particular facility started the meeting:

"About a year ago, this program was taken in by our parent company to try to save it. We have been working hard over the last year to make positive changes to this program. We've changed schedules and created new positions. We've hired experienced professionals. Today, however, we are sad to say that this program still just isn't cutting it. This program will be closing on the 1st of December and then will be reopened as a different program early next year. We have no need for any of the staff in this program unless you are in a Director position. If you choose to leave before the final day, we ask for notice as quickly as possible. If not, your last day is the 1st of December. HR is here all week for any questions you may have. And we give our best wishes as the holidays approach."

And then the meeting was over. Cami walked to her office with a sense of relief and the realization that this was an easy out. However, this meant she was walking into a holiday season unemployed and struggling to find work. Good thing she had started applying to jobs the night before. This was Cami's chance to start that business that she had been thinking about for a few years. She now had all the time in the world because she wasn't going to have a job in a month. (Which also meant she would no longer have insurance. They don't mention that in Hallmark movies.) Cami had been designing and re-designing her business idea. She was even doing an online Masters program focusing on Recreation Management and how to develop a business plan.

If this was a Hallmark movie, this is the part where Cami would volunteer to help with some big family activity for someone in the community. Some random lady would see that Cami can do great activity planning and implementation and then ask for Cami to do an event for her family, becoming the first customer in Cami's new Family Recreation Therapy business. However, Cami just continued to do her graduate classes and apply to jobs.

Holiday #3

Cami had been working for about 7 months for an adult day center. She was enjoying the less stressful environment due to not working with adolescent mental health. She was not enjoying the more stressful environment due to a virus that had created a pandemic across the globe and the new precautions instituted in the company. The attendance had been increasingly low due to the virus, and the center had closed for about 6 months, during which Cami and the other staff had to do online activities for their seniors and participants with Traumatic Brain Injury. They also had helped with re-painting the center and putting together new tables. At this point (the beginning of November), the center was open again.

Cami was attending to one of the participants.

"You know what we should do with this apple juice?!" exclaimed Participant and then continued with several reassuring nods, "We should let it sit out and make moonshine. I have ingredients that we can add to it to do so. Just give me the word, and I will help make it for everyone."

Cami responded, "We don't make that here. We're not gonna make any of your alcoholic beverages. I don't know what kind of establishment you think this is."

"Okay, we can keep it on the down low, and we have to tell anyone that we're making moonshine," suggested the participant.

"How about you just drink your apple juice? I'm sure that's also a good idea."

"Well, it was worth a shot." Participant went back to eating his lunch, and Cami walked away to go help another participant.

As Cami was walking away, her supervisor pulled her to the side and said, "We have a mandatory meeting for all of the day centers in our company. It's at 3:00, so the last 30 minutes of your shift will be in the meeting. Don't worry about staffing, the nurse and the receptionist will still be in here to take care of everyone. They'll take care of snack and cleaning up."

At 3:00pm, Cami and the rest of the staff (besides the nurse and receptionist) went to the large office for the meeting. At this point, Cami could already guess what was happening. The company had been struggling to continue providing services for their fewer and fewer participants. Cami knew this was the end. The group was told that the center would be closed for real this time with no intention to open it anytime soon. All participants would be going to one central day center, which was not the one Cami was working at, so she was entering another unemployed holiday season. Good thing she always had her job search site handy with saved jobs she might apply to.

Cami faced a few decisions. She had graduated that summer with her Master's degree and with a completed business plan. The hard part about deciding to start your own business is that you need money. And Cami did not have money. And another thing that Hallmark movies don't show when their lovely, blissful protagonists finally get their happy ending is TAXES. Taxes are so hard to figure out for a new sole proprietor business. You have to just guess, and if you guess too high, you don't have money to eat. And if you guess too low, you are penalized. So, it's cool. As Cami thought of her options, she applied to a job that evening. She faced the option of starting her own business for real this time.

A week later, Cami had an interview with the one job that she applied to and got the job. She started the week before Thanksgiving. There was no break between the two jobs. In fact, she had to use three days of PTO from her old job to cover the three days that the center was open, but Cami was in training for her new job.

Holiday #4

That job was as a Recreation Therapist at a mental health hospital. Cami has now been working that job for a year. She enjoys her job. There's a bit of stress with the content of the job; but she is doing well. This year, she did not enter the holiday season unemployed. She didn't get the boy like in the Hallmark movies. And she didn't start her business. But she has a job, so she's happy about that. She did run a Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving morning. She got first place for women in her age bracket (19-29). So, she did win a contest of sorts (which is a very Hallmark movie thing to do). She was, however, the only woman in her age bracket (which is the "but only the awkward part"). 

Throughout the four years, of course there were also the awkward parts of family members telling the protagonist what she's doing wrong in dating. Hallmark movies at least get that awkward part right. And that, my friends, is how you live a Hallmark holiday movie, but only the awkward parts. 

If you made it all the way through, I am so sorry and hopefully enjoyed some of it. As a reward, here's another picture that I took while trying to get a good picture for the movie cover. I tried to do my best Hallmark hair curl. I don't do hair, so that's that. I was also really getting into the 90s kid school pictures, so here is my favorite.

Happy Holidays everyone! I hope you have a job, or are secure with money and insurance. The Hallmark movies really don't talk about insurance, which has given me grief over the last few years. I hope you have a great holiday season and that you have peace and hope. God is good and takes care of us. If this is a season of trial, my heart goes out to you. Holidays can be hard. If you need someone to talk to, I am an open ear. I love all y'all.

Miracles Great and Unexpected

This morning I was listening to Ronald Rasband's talk "Behold! I Am a God of Miracles." I listened with a particular miracle in mind that I have been praying for for a while. And Elder Rasband said, "Through faith, the miracle will come, though not necessarily on our timetable or with the resolution we desired. Does that mean we are less than faithful or do not merit His intervention? No. We are beloved of the Lord. He gave His life for us, and His Atonement continues to release us from burdens and sin as we repent and draw close to Him."

He continued to share a few examples of how people have received miracles that they were not expecting or received a different miracle than what they had hoped. Among these examples was an example of those who mocked Christ to come off the cross, which he could have done and would have been a miracle. The greater miracle was the fact that He stayed on that cross and suffered death, so that all humans could live again and be free of the sins and stains of this world. It was a much greater miracle than what the people taunted.

The day I get married will be a miracle. Nothing short of Divine miraculous wonder will be the day I get married. And I pray for that miracle. In the past few years though, I have found that my not being married is actually more miraculous than if I currently were married. It hurts sometimes, but I know that it is the will of God. I thought of the miracles I have seen in the last few years. I want to share a few things that have happened. And this might be very personal to some of the people who read my blog, but I want to let you know that I have been truly blessed because of you.

I have been told an inordinate number of times in my life that I was either the reason someone did not kill themselves or was the reason they were glad that their attempts were not successful. I have had the opportunity to be there at times when people were seriously contemplating killing themselves. This has happened in my work and in my personal life. And in many of these cases, if I were married, I most likely would not have been there for those people. Maybe someone else could have or would have been there, but for some reason God let me. And I'm so glad that He did.

I have seen so many of these friends, family, and patients continue with life and have greater joys come into their life because they continued on. And I have received so much joy from them. I am able to see several of you experience the great happinesses and adventures that life has to offer, and because of that I also receive happiness.

So as Rasband's talk wrapped up, I found myself standing in front of my bathroom mirror crying. I stared at the crazy-haired girl that sometimes feels aimless and wishes for different circumstances, and I realized that I was a miracle. I, a single girl, am a miracle. And I just stared and cried and realized how much I am. Lots of times we think miracles are for changing what's going on, but really the miracles are the fact that we are able to do so much. The miracle is that Jesus Christ died and suffered in Gethsemane for us and made it possible for us to access His power and find peace and joy. The miracle is that we sometimes see just how much power God gives us and how many people are allowed to come into our lives. Sometimes the miracle is that we find worth in ourselves.

I know I don't look like much. I know that this is a terrible picture of me. However, it's literally what I was staring at as I was crying to myself this morning about wanted and unreceived miracles and unexpected yet heart-wrenching and -warming miracles.

You are a miracle. Even if you take awkward bathroom selfies and have crazy hair. You are a miracle because you are His and have the capability of accessing the power of God and the Atonement of Jesus Christ. You are a miracle because you choose to keep on moving forward. You are a miracle.

But If Not

This blog is about dating.  And But If Nots.  Everyone's lives are filled with moments that can be But If Not moments.  So first, I'm going to state the obvious.  I'm 26.  I'm single.  And I'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I am "old" for being single in the church.  And I get a lot of interesting talks about it.  People are genuinely worried about me.  And they think that I am unhappy because I am single.  Yes, I would like to be married and be a mom.  BUT IF NOT.

But if not comes from the story of Shadrach, Mesach, and Abednego, when they are thrown into the fiery furnace because they won't worship Nebuchadnezzar's idols.  (By the way it's pronounced knee-buck-add'-nuh-zahr.)  Nebuchadnezzar taunts the three boys and, and the three boys tell Nebuchadnezzar that their God can save them.  "But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods" (Daniel 3:18).  What happens cannot shake our faith.  And a friend gave a talk about it in church earlier this year, and I loved every minute of the talk.

My grandmother loved the quote, "Our faith is not dependent on outcomes."  It was her motto that she tried to instill in all of her children and grandchildren.  It is another representation of But If Not.

I know I said this blog is about dating in the very first sentence, but really it is about promised blessings.  God makes promises to His children that keep covenants.  And really this isn't about dating, but more about marriage.  Marriage is a God-made thing.  It is a blessing and also a covenant.  Without keeping this covenant, there are some blessings that cannot be ours.  If anyone knows me, they know that I am totally devoted to God, and I seek His guidance always.  I strive to do anything that He wants me to do.  I realized that I must do God's will as a teenager, and I haven't gone back.  And so as an "old" unmarried member of the church, people are genuinely worried about me and think that I am unhappy.  It's true that sometimes I am worried about being able to make that covenant or receiving the blessings God has promised.  BUT IF NOT

I will never give up on my God.  God keeps His promises in ways that we don't understand.  And He blesses His faithful children.  My faith is not dependent on outcomes.  My faith didn't depend on the fact that my mom died.  My faith didn't and still doesn't depend on my family being healed of mental health issues.  My faith didn't depend on being able to find a job as soon as I started applying.  There are just too many things that God knows the timing of that will be most beneficial to our Eternal Lives to let us have everything that we want.

You may receive blessings in this life.  BUT IF NOT please don't throw it all away.  God works in mysterious ways.  And there is so much in store.

Also, my cousin got married last month, and I was seriously considering asking for nominations for a date to the reception.  Good thing I didn't because I still ended up with a ring.  I stole it from my cousin who's seven.  I had to give it back.

First Third of 2019 Quotes

I finally got some quotes on for the year.  These include January through April.

As Josh pulls on Emmett's arm hair
Emmett: I'm not hairy for you.  I'm hairy for survival.

Cami: When I write a story about my life, half of it will be about your flatulence.  When I write a story about your life, the whole thing will be about your flatulence.
Griffin: Well, it proves it's not all about video games.

My dad wishing for me to marry a specific boy as he blows out a birthday candle:

Cami:  I'm gonna take a personality test!  It's called Preach My Gospel Christlike attributes.

Cami:  If I'm not married by the time we go to Disneyland, I'm gonna buy myself seven dole whips.

Cherise: Sorry my burps are so nasty.
Cami: Well mine are too.
Cherise: Was that your burp I'm tasting or mine?
Cami: Probably mine because I'm tasting mine right now too.
Cherise: Eeeuwww.

Cami: I know I'm bad at life.
Cherise: No, you're just an experience.

Cami: I'm sorry I fake yelled at you.
Cherise:  Okay, I fake forgive you.

Cami: Why did Mom like black names so much?
Cherise:  Maybe she was secretly transracial.

Cherise: Do people think I'm lesbian?
Cami: No, because you're married to a man and like to make out with him all the time.
Cherise:  Ooh, a boy likes me!  Ooh hoo hoo.
Cami:  Ugh, Kenna just says that I'm asexual aromantic.

Talking about Cherise's baby
Cami: Can't you just have one more of these?
Cherise: It hurts...just thinking about it.
Cami: But it's worth it.  For me to be an aunt.

Cami: This one time, I went somewhere with someone.
Cherise: That was really specific.

All because I named a few things Gertrude when I was a teenager
Cherise: Cami always picks the ugliest names.  Her kids are going to be named Penoolope and Chicken Nougat.

Dad: I still need to see automan.
Cami: Aquaman?
Dad: Yeah.
Cami: Automan.  He works on cars.
Dad: He turns into a car.
Cami: That's Transformers, Dad.
Emmett: That's bumblebee.

Cami: And then I stayed in Utah, and that was stupid.
Emmett: Was it stupid or was it an experience?
Cami: I guess it was just an experience.

Emmett: I believe in streaks.  ...on Bing.
Cami: Oh, I thought you were going to say on your undies.

Waiting for the Lord's Blessings

I feel like a lot of my friends write blogs these days.  And I really hate being a cliché, so sometimes I just don't want to write anything.  I also deleted my Facebook, so the number of people that see my blog basically went back down to two.  (So the number halved.)  Then I remembered that my blog is basically my rant space anyway with random quote posts here and there. I thought that I would write, and yet not write about, what a lot of the other people I know are writing about or posting on social media: babies and pregnancies.  Specifically trials with such.  That's why I have this awesome picture of this awesome kid in this awesome onesie.  I love him so much.

I haven't even met him yet; he lives in a different country.  I became an aunt in 2018, and it's the best thing ever.  Because I never have been pregnant or have tried to get pregnant, I was worried about writing this post because I haven't ever experienced that.  I texted my sister about it because he's her baby.  This is what part of the conversation looked like.

The things that remind me of my situation are the acknowledging that they don't understand why God is doing this.  It's the feeling inadequate.  It's the desire to be a mom and not being able to.  And I just wanted to share some of my experience and thoughts that come to my mind whenever I read these experiences.

If there is actually someone reading this, and along the way they start thinking, "This sounds really familiar," it's because I've had related thoughts for a few years, and they are stated in posts such as How do people get married? and The Guilt of Not Dating and Patient Urgency and many such posts that can be found in my "dating" label.  So why am I posting again?  Because I still struggle.  Okay!?  Okay, that was a little rude.  I'll try to be a little kinder as I go along.

This may seem a bit choppy, but I want to use some of the things that I wrote in my journal a few weeks ago.  My dad says that people don't want to date people who say bad things about themselves, so this post probably isn't going to help much.  I do think it will be helpful to get some things off my chest though.  And maybe someone else will say to themselves, "I feel that too.  I'm glad I'm not alone."  And as stated above, I just have these thoughts a lot when reading others' posts or when anybody mentions dating or having kids.

From my journal

I end up thinking, "This is why I'm not married."  I start picking at my flaws.  If I could only change myself.  If I could be not myself.  If I weren't me, I could get married.  If I was always positive.  If I were more patient.  If I were outgoing and talkative.  If I didn't have depression.  If I wasn't ugly.  If I smiled more.  If I never mentioned my mom being dead.  If I wore makeup and cuter clothes.  If I was more welcoming to people touching me.  If I didn't make potty jokes or body function jokes.  If I didn't make jokes about myself.  If I said, "I love you" more.  This is why I'm not married.  This is why people don't like me.

And it was especially hard-hitting when the sister younger than me is getting married.  She is the type of person that people like.  She is the type of person that a boy wants to marry.  And I'm not.

From other thoughts

Obviously, during those times I feel it's my fault that I can't get married.  I think it's my fault I don't even have the option to have kids (based on me still living my standards).  However, it feels just as bad when I don't think it's my fault.  It still hurts.

At church, we talk about marriage and eternal families all the time because we believe in the temple blessing and ordinance of the sealing.  Getting married and being sealed is a blessing, as mentioned by the doctrine of church.  So I wonder why I am not allowed to have that "blessing"?  Why do I get to be alone?  I wonder why, when I go to church, attend the temple regularly, read my scriptures daily, listen to General Conference, and try to apply Jesus Christ's atonement to my life.  I'm a good person.  Or at least I attempt to be.  Why does God not want to grant that blessing to me if I am following His commandments?

It hurts.  And I don't know why the timing has worked out this way.  But He often says, "Stop worrying about it," "Keep on the covenant path," or "Patience."  God's timing is something that I truly have a hard time loving.  And His will is something that I seek to do but also have a hard time loving, especially when it means that I don't get the blessings that I think I might deserve.  One of my sisters stated there isn't much comfort in Elder Holland's words: "Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come."  Maybe those blessings don't come until death, and I must embrace a lonely life.  Personally, I still believe I will be married in this life.  But if I don't, it doesn't mean that God loves me any less.  I constantly have to remind myself that God still wants to bless me for my efforts.

In that same address Elder Holland speaks to:

• young parents still in school
• single parents
• those who want to be married and aren't
• those who desire children and cannot
• those with few friends
• those grieving a death of a loved one
• and others

He says, "Even if you cannot always see that silver lining on your clouds, God can, for He is the very source of the light you seek.  He does love you, and He knows your fears.  He hears your prayers."

We don't know a lot of things, but God knows infinitely more than we do.  We each have our own trials.  We each have things that God thinks we should have in our lives.  My sister (I'm just gonna mention all of my sisters in this post) once wrote me a letter while we were both serving missions, in which she said that sometimes she thinks that God asks us to do things just to test our faith.  We won't always get the results that we desire, but God expects us to pay attention anyway.  So, I guess I'll keep going.  I'll be okay.  And I hope everyone else can be okay too.

I don't wish to undermine anything that anyone has written in their social media/blog posts by posting my experiences.  All I can say is keep believing, and you're still amazing even when God gives you hard things.

Also, I know I have shared this video before, but it is always applicable.  I have watched it so many times, I can't even count.

"I am the Gardener here.  And I know what I want you to be. . . . And someday, little currant bush, when you're laden with fruit, you're gonna say, 'Thank you Mr. Gardener for loving me enough to cut me down.'"

The Mutual Game Part 6

It's been a rough week.  I went to my cousin's wedding, and a bunch of other things have been happening in my family that show me that people are moving on with their lives while I sit stupidly doing nothing of importance.  I also started my less awkward pictures on Mutual this week.  Because of the wedding and my Mutual account I have had a lot of conversations about me dating and putting on a good front.  Some things that have been said to me concerning my dating life are as follows:

• "Maybe you just need to be aggressive."
• "You need to put yourself out there."
• "You need to be more outgoing."
• "You should be less quiet."
• "You're showing that you have given up by putting your bad pictures up--people who want to get married would never show their bad pictures."
• "You're too sarcastic and negative."
• "Stop being sarcastic."
• "Don't say negative things about yourself on dates.  No one wants to be around negative people."

After being super depressed at my cousin's wedding and being told about how negative I am, I just thought and thought about why I am so negative, especially about getting married.  And I think it's because of what I have always struggled with: I feel like I constantly have to prove that I am good enough.  And not getting married is just another thing that shows me that I'm not good enough: that people don't like me or that something is blatantly wrong with me.  And I say it out loud.  I voice my concerns.  I say negative things about myself, so other people don't have to.  I subconsciously believe that if I say something poorly about myself and acknowledge my flaws, then the people that I say it to don't have to go and bad mouth me when I'm not there.  I say it before anyone else can.

I have no idea who is saying bad stuff about me, but I am around people enough (all the time--I'm hardly ever alone) that I know people are being rude about others.  And I'm sad to say that I have said a lot of bad things about a specific group of people.  I'm sorry, and I am working on it.  I have a lot that I am working on to forgive this group of people.  I need to make a lot of changes in my life and behavior.  But the things people say just solidify my beliefs about my own flaws in the eyes of others.

I kind of did this social experiment to prove myself.  Parts of me wanted to prove to some family members that I wasn't entirely useless and could get validation from other human beings and also prove to them that I know I am as useless as I think they think about me.  And because I'm miserable trying to prove myself, I ended my experiment early.  I deleted my Mutual account.  I deleted my Facebook account.  And hopefully I will do social experiments that change the way that I view myself and others.  I have a terrible view of the world.  And my [family member] would argue that that's exactly why I'm not married.  But oh well.  It's time to just be a better me.  I know I'm dumb to some people, but I'm also smart.  I know I'm not super useful, but I am somewhat useful.  I know I'm a burden, but I also lift.  And I know that people see me very poorly, but there is a great number of people who love me and think I'm awesome.  And I don't feel super narcissistic saying that.  And I'm sorry for not listening to the people who love me and tell me good things.

I just need to believe that other people like me just as much as I like me.  And not become a  narcissist, which is something I am afraid of being.

The Mutual Game Part 5

Happy Thanksgiving!  Let us all be thankful that my awkward phase is over.  Just joking, my awkward phase will never be over.  However, the awkward picture phase is over on Mutual.  I am putting up new pictures.  And I only have to have these ones up for two weeks, so yay.  The score to beat is 6.  I only have to get six matches within the next two weeks to have gotten the same number of matches as the four weeks of unflattery.  We'll see if all the boys have already down-swiped me.  If I haven't down-swiped them first.  Haha! Just kidding.  I'm just kind of done.

Want to know how I swipe?  I usually am fairly truthful for about two accounts.  And then I get bored and just start swiping down on everyone super quickly.  Obviously this isn't going to work.  Funny story, if you run out of accounts to swipe, you can reset all your down swipes, so it's like you haven't swiped them yet.  I did that once because I apparently swipe down a lot.  So basically boys don't really get an honest answer unless they are the first two.  I hate Mutual.  It's so dumb.  If I ever get married, it's gonna be a miracle.  Honestly, I probably would have to be best friends with a guy for a while and then somehow we both think we should get married.  Except, my best boy friends like girls who aren't me.  So that's fun.

Now that that rant is over here is what you would currently see if you ever ran into my account:

Now, you're probably thinking, "Cami, those pictures are still awful."  Well, sorry.  I can't change my face.  It's just how it's gonna have to be.  I just have a bad face and a bad personality.  (That's really gonna get 'em.  No one can resist that.)  Don't worry, I will have these up for two weeks, and then I'm quitting Mutual.  Because then I'll have found a beau.  Just joking, me getting married means that the end of the world is upon us.  And I'll give you my theory as to why next week.

The Mutual Game Part 4

I just want to start by saying that some of the guys on Mutual look so old.  Their profiles say that they're my age, but they don't look it.  And if I'm being honest, I look not old.  I unfortunately can't even say that I look my age.  I could maybe pass off for a 22-year-old.  So, I don't think those guys who look like they're 40 would be a good fit.  Just sayin'.  Or maybe I'm just too picky.  It's not like I am trying to actually find a real match with this, so whatever.  (Or that I would find a match with my awful pictures.)

I only have one week left as an unattractive stalker on Mutual.  I think I can manage.  We shall see.  Then I have to put up my okay pictures.  I have to admit that I have been looking through my pictures again to try and find something that shows that I'm actually a normal human being, and I've got nothing.  Absolutely zero.  Well maybe one picture.  I apparently don't care about my appearance at all.  Maybe my next experiment should be dressing less like a bum.

Next week, I'll be making my normal account, and I'll show you the pictures that I pick.  Everyone will probably think I'm still creepy looking, but you know, that's just me.  (I do a really good job of complimenting myself.  I make myself sound so attractive.  What's wrong with me?)  I'm sorry I didn't have any pictures this week.  Just imagine either me rolling my eyes from boredom or my face throwing up.  'Cause I'm pretty sure most of you have seen both of those faces.  Anyway, I'll have better stuff next week.

The Mutual Game Part 3

This week, I actually matched with two guys.  That was super awkward.  I don't know what's going on.  I haven't had any messages though.  So, I think the ugly photos are still kind of working.

I don't think I am going to last the whole four weeks.  Would anyone be mad if I end the ugly photos after week 3 instead?  That also means that I only have to have my normal photos for a week.  And then I can re-delete my Mutual account and finally re-delete my Facebook account.  I deleted my Facebook account a few weeks ago and then had the amazing Mutual troll idea.  So, then I had to cancel my deletion.  Poop.

I have been trying to find pictures for my normal account, and guess what!  I have no good pictures.  I'm always wearing my hair really bad, and I don't smile in pictures.  And I actually make awful pictures.  I guess the unflattering pictures are the real ones.  Also, I've been debating whether or not to put the following picture on my normal-looking account.  I've been told that it's super awkward when I pick up my "little" brother.  But I think it's funny.  I could put in my bio that the cute baby is my brother, since all the guys clarify that the cute babies are their nieces/nephews.

The Mutual Game Part 2

Actually, I'm pretty sure we can still use LDS to refer to members of the church.  I just get corrected a lot these days.

I'd like to start this week with a rant.  This is why I hate Mutual so much.  I lived in Provo, Utah not too long ago.  It is a place with thousands of members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  And among those thousands, there are hundreds of Young Single Adults (YSA), who are put into congregations (wards) of YSA members.  Hence, single people are constantly in contact with other single people in their wards (at least I always in contact with other single people from my wards).  Each congregation is usually 100 or more YSA (I found myself in a lot of ~144-member wards).  Taking about 100 members, and if the ward has equal numbers of men and women, there should be about 50 men that a woman could meet and 50 women that a man could meet.  Granted the numbers fluctuate and the wards aren't always 1:1 men-to-women, the odds aren't always that great.  However, there are still a number of people whom an individual could meet.

I was in one such ward during my too many years in Provo.  I went on a few dates while in this ward.  A handful of the ward members were on Mutual, my roommates included.  And I often knew that boys in the ward were on the app because they would come up on the screens of my roommates' phones.  So here were a bunch of people that I knew were not asking each other on dates but seeing each other on Mutual.  There were quite a few boys that if they had asked me on dates, I would have said yes.  I have never turned down a first date.  And I know I should have asked the boys on dates, but I am pretty sure my courage level is at -33.  I honestly have no courage.  I've been praying for it.  For years.  My rant is that these people were just finding each other on the app.  They weren't giving the people right in front of them a chance.  So why can't people talk to each other face-to-face?  Why can't we do that anymore?

Now that my rant is over, I will let you know that I also found people that I know while on the app.  I haven't lived in Arizona for a few years, but I still know people.  Let's start with this great find.

I found my cousin!  Obviously I swiped down for relative reasons; I'm not dating any cousins, okay.  But if you aren't my cousin, you should definitely look him up.  He shares some of the same genes as me, so take that as you will.

Since last week, I've had 4 matches.  I'm thinking that they may have swiped up before I had changed it to its current awfulness.  And here I will explain a little about the app: both parties swipe up for it to be a match.  Once you match with someone, you can start messaging each other.  None of the 4 matches have resulted in messaging.  I don't think they like the new pictures.

In other news, here was a group message that ensued from my starting this social experiment.

Tune in next week for more updates on how weird I am.  I guess.

The Mutual Game Part 1

Hey friends,

Today I am telling you about my beautiful plan on how to get married.  Just kidding.  I thought doing a social experiment and trolling on a dating app would be the best thing for me to do.  At least it's more entertaining.  Yeah, it's probably going to ruin my entire dating life, but I didn't have much of one to begin with.  I had a conversation earlier this year with one of my friends.  He asked me when the last time I went on a date was.  I replied that I had gone on a date the week before.  He was surprised.  But it was true.  Then my friend asked when my last date before that one was.  My answer was, "A year ago."  He told me that was the response he was expecting.  Thanks Carson.  But it obviously proves that I don't have much to lose by doing this.

So here goes.  I am joining a dating app.  I chose Mutual, and below is what I am doing.

The Mutual Game

I have used the app twice, with the first attempt lasting three days and the second lasting two hours. This time, I have to leave the app on my phone for 28 days--4 weeks. However, I am putting up unflattering pictures.  I didn't put my very awful unflattering pictures because I don't want to subject the world to that kind of torture.  But, if you were to find me on mutual, it would look like this:

I also made my bio section make me sound so interesting.

I get to swipe as if this were my normal account.  So swipe down on the people I assume I wouldn't want to date and swipe up and people who maybe are okay.  My guess is that I won't get very many matches.  It's gonna be fun.  Hopefully, I will give updates every week.

After the 28 unflattering days, I will try with normal pictures and bio for 14 days--2 weeks--and see if I can get just as many matches?  I don't know.  That kind of terrifies me.

Wish me luck,
Cami

How Do People Get Married?

How do people get married?  Seriously! It baffles me.  I don't know how people ever get married.  It's some kind of miracle.  I don't know how to put my unbelief into words, so bear with me as I try to explain why I just don't get it.

Okay, first there have to be two people that just somehow are not dating anyone else at the same time.  There are lots of people who are single, I know, but to have two people that are both maybe interested in each other both single at the same time.  That's a miracle.  During my short 7 years as an adult, I have been interested in a number of boys.  But they shortly get girlfriends, and then most of the time end up getting engaged to someone else, and then the majority of those people actually marry.  So, I guess it's just me; those other people get married.

Then, say that two people are single at the same time that are maybe slightly interested.  One of those people has to have the courage to ask the other person on a date.  And I don't have courage.  So, I'm never getting married.

On the chance that one of the people has courage, and they go on one date, what happens then?  Sometimes there is just no more communication.  First dates are often the last.  People just maybe aren't as compatible as they think they are?  I don't know why there is often a one-sided interest or maybe just you think you will like someone and then you don't.  Most interest just ends there.  And one has to start all over again.  But there is the slight chance there will be a second date and a third.  Slight.  Very slight.  How do people keep dating?  How are people interested in one another?

That's really what I truly don't understand: how are people interested?  I find people interesting, but that doesn't mean I'm interested in all of them.  And I don't think more than a few people are interested in me.  So what makes a person viable for interest?  Looks? Personality?  So what is so wrong with my looks besides my siblings telling me that they don't like my clothes or that I look lesbian (so obviously not attracting boys)?  I must have a bad personality as well.  I think I'm funny, but I must not really be.  I know that I'm not an extrovert, and I never will be.  I say a lot of bad things.  That's it.  I promise I don't mean all of the bad things.  But I do like sad movies.  How are people interested in each other?  How do people stay interested?  I am so confused.  People get married all the time, and yet is so incomprehensible to me.  I believe it's a miracle.  And maybe that's just not a miracle God wants to grant to me.  Maybe I'm not meant to get married.  Ever.  Actually, I told myself I wouldn't give up until I'm fifty--that's when my life is gonna start coming together.

To all those who are married and who are getting married, congratulations!  You are the miracles of the world.  I don't know what magic you have cast, but good job.

This is something that I have discussed with a few relatives.  Basically the moral of the story is that you have to use a dating app to get married.  Dumb, but that's what it has come to.  So, tomorrow, yes another post this week, I will be posting about a new social experiment that I am starting.

Quote-y Quotes

Quotes from the middle of March until the end of May

Cami: You just stared at your booger for five seconds.
Griffin: Yeah, what else would I do?
Cami: Throw it away.

Cami: Did you just toot on the cat?
Griffin: Yeah, it scared him.
(I later found out he was not the only one doing this.)

Astri: Guys, I've bee keeping this milk since *sniff*  blehhhhhhhh.

Cami: Do you want to see my dirty underwear?
Ami:  Yes.  Please.
(We found out there was a new style and I had already tried them out.  Nonetheless, I feel somewhat ashamed of myself for ever saying this.)

Johanna: Who put an umbrella over the cockroach?
Cami: That was me.
Johanna: Of course it was.

During a muddy, cold hike
Emmett: Help me Siri!

Roommate 1: Did you see how cute [certain boy] was at church?  I just couldn't stop staring at him.
Cami: Want to know who I couldn't stop staring at?
Roommates 1 &2: Who?!!
Cami: My dry legs! They're so flaky.

Lari: I just want to swim in this.
Cami: You'll be getting banana cake out of your britches for days.

Cami: How are the overalls working out for ya?
Cameron (showing the straps hanging down): Well they're more like underalls right now.

Emmett: He's a human butt.  He's literally a walking butt.

Emmett: The worst kind of correct is technically.

While looking at internet settings and trying to delete password history
Kailon: Betty Crocker has nine cookies.

Cami: We've got to get the coals.
Kailon: You mean the charcoal?
Cami: We'll get the char - coals.

Cami: Okay! We'll just...
Kailon: You're going to say something ridiculous.
Cami (whispered): We'll just starve.
Kailon: I always know you're going to say something ridiculous when you say, "Okay!"

Cami: I should probably see a therapist and get over it.
Carson: You could build a bridge and get over it.  An emotional bridge, but I don't know what you would use as building materials.
Cami: Because I don't have emotions.
Carson: Okay! Not what I meant.

Cami: Maybe we should end this relationship because it's kind of negative.
Elise: Cami just broke up with you.
Carson: We haven't even dated.

Emmett: And I left him a note that said, "Please stop. Thanks."

Coworker: How are you today?
Cami: Good.  (Then slightly to self) But I do regret my decision to come into work early today.
Kailon just busts up laughing

While flaking the rope after rappelling
Cami: Flaky, flaky.
Kailon: Buttery, flaky crisp.

Just a thought after climbing a little trail: Oh! I made it.  That's also probably what I'll say if I make it to heaven.

Elise: It feels like 70, but it's actually 70.

Cami: I need to grow out my hair.
2 minutes later
Cami: I have too much hair.

January and February and a little of March Quotes

The quotes are back!  I hope you enjoy

Emmett: These ones are navel oranges, and that's why they have the weird belly button thing.  And then then these other oranges don't have that, so they aren't navel oranges?
Cami: Those are grapefruit.
Emmett: So?!

During Sacrament meeting and I already had the hymn open
Carson: You're on top of it.
Cami: Well, music is the only thing I listen to in this meeting.
Carson: At least you listen to something.

Cherise: Well, you look thinner than when you were on your mission.
Cami: Because I was eating Buttered Beans! And Bacon!

The next five are from the first day of my three-day stint of having a dating app account.  My cousin made the account for me, and these are mostly her telling me how to use it.

Brittany: That one's a yes.  Mmmm.

Cami: Did you just swipe up on him?
Brittany: Yes 'cause you laughed.  It's a success.

Cami: He's and ESTJ?!
Brittany: What's wrong with that?
Cami: That's almost exactly opposite of me.
Brittany: Sweet!  Maybe you can learn something from him.

Emmett: Don't you think we should let Cami do the swiping?
Brittany: Well, we should, like, um, help her not swipe the creeps.

Brittany: Well, this is what mine looks likes.
Cami: Well, you look cute in all the pictures except this one.
Emmett: Ooh.  Roasted.

Brittany puts something strange in my hand

Cami: Is that a booger?  Did you just give me a booger?!

When my fast is only 14 hours

Roommate: Did you forget it was Fast Sunday too?

Cami: No

Roommate: Did you start your fast at noon yesterday?

Cami: No, I'm just a sinner.

Cami: Oh! I have to tell you about my night last night.

Elise: Ooh, whose hand did you hold?

Cami: Ha! Please.

Cami: How does one not look bum-ish?

Lily laughs and says nothing.

Cami: They think, "Cami doesn't touch people."

Emmett: Cami doesn't even hug people.

Cherise: Cami doesn't even know what people is.

Emmett: What are you doing tomorrow?

Cami: I was thinking about buying some high heels.

Emmett: Oh I was thinking of. ... wait. Why?

Cami: Because I need to change myself.

Emmett laughing: You are gonna do something that's completely not you?

Cami: Yeah, I need to change myself.

Emily: You're just delightfully sassy.

Cami: I just karate chopped my chair on accident.

Emmett: Thanks for being my moral support.  Because I have no morals.

Kailon: Isn't that ridiculous?

Cami: That is  ridiculous.  I'm gonna eat a twix.

Cami: I'm just dry all around: my face, my hands, my humor.

Elise: I need to do my laundry; I've started wearing garments from my mission.

Cami: I wore my last clean pair today.  Actually, that was yesterday, and I wore them again today.

My Dating Resume

This blog is dedicated to my family in Utah.  They have all contributed to this idea.  Emmett and Sarah had the original idea.  They told me that I should write about the dating resume.  And Cherise and Brittany really have wanted me to try dating apps, which I would say are similar to a dating resume.  Fun fact, I had a mutual account for three days.  It was rough.  I really don't want to do that ever again.  I have also been told that I am desperate, so I'll go with it.  Here is my process of making a dating resume.

This was difficult because what do you even put on a dating resume?  I copied my actual resume and tried to put in the information that would be pertinent to dating, and this is what I came up with:

Cami Turley

email | phone #

Education

Brigham Young University

Major: Recreation Management: Therapeutic Emphasis

Already Graduated & Have a Full-Time Job 

Certifications & Licenses

I don't think you need this to go on dates.  I think?  Is this something people want to know about me?

Related Experience

I have been on more than 7 dates and less than 20.

Hobbies/Interests

Bicycle Riding and Repair

Rollerblading

Music: Piano, Cello, Organ, and dabbling on my Banjo

Tennis

Polynesian Dancing

References

None

Yeah, that didn't work.  So, this is where the dating app stuff comes in.  What do people use on dating apps?  Height.  Weight.  Eye Color.  How awesome I look in a swimsuit.  (Seriously, why do people even use those pictures?  Ya nasties.)  I tried again, and this was the second result:

Cami Turley

email | phone #

Biological Information

Hair:  Brown/Blondish

Eyes: Green

Height:  5'7 1/2"

Weight: 150 lbs

Family Information

Parents: Dad, Stepmom; My mom died when I was 15, and yes, I make dead mom jokes.

Siblings: 4 biological, 5 step; I am the second oldest.

Extended: I see them all the time.  Lots of cousins, aunts, and uncles.

Education & Occupation

BYU

Recreation Therapist

Hobbies/Interests

Bicycle Riding and Repair

Rollerblading

Music: Piano, Cello, Organ, and dabbling on my Banjo

Tennis

Polynesian Dancing

Running Awkwardly in Front of Cars

Making Bird Noises

Life Goals

I would love to be a mom.  If that doesn't happen, I have quite a few things that I would love to do.  I would love to continue to work in Recreation Therapy.  I am applying to Masters Programs currently.  I love writing, as evidenced by my blog and think it would be awesome to write a few books.  I am an avid church goer and plan on going for the rest of my life.  I love God, and He probably has a way different plan for me than I have for myself.  He's slowly letting me in on some of His secrets for my life and eternity.



This will get the boys linin' up to date me.  I think the most convincing part is the dead mom jokes.  Or the running awkwardly in front of cars.  You know, I think it looks great.  I should probably leave the references part in because that wouldn't get weird at all.  Anyway, if this doesn't have the boys lining up, I'll be a contestant on the Bachelor.  Or I'll look into cat adoption.  Or maybe join a convent.  OR I can just live my life as I have been living it thus far.  Being single ain't that bad.  And you know what, I don't think God is mad at me for being single.  I have a lot to look forward to in my future.  I have tons of adventures waiting.  (And I'm only 24, so I have years and years and years.)