The Lament of a Mom of a Developmentally Delayed Child

 I have something I just need to get off my chest from the last several assessments and physical therapy appointments my child has had. Two things about my child that have impacted my motherhood are that she has a disability that was found in the womb, and she was born three months early. Due to her prematurity, she is developmentally three months behind her actual age. Due to her disability, we have to monitor several aspects of her development to see if she needs any equipment or not. Currently, we don’t have any equipment, but the feeling in and strength of her legs and feet is less than 100%. This has put her another few months behind developmentally. All in all, she is roughly 2-5 months behind in different areas.

The real issue that keeps popping up for me is my “not good enough” mentality. I have made lots of progress in my mental health and self-worth, so I don’t need another person telling me, “Cami, you need to work on yourself and see a therapist.” I know it’s just in my head, okay? That’s not the point. The point is that it’s a lot. I don’t know how other mothers do everything. I am constantly failing. I don’t know how other mothers, especially of kiddos who are even more developmentally delayed than my daughter, don’t just have breakdowns every day. How do they do it all?

The point is that even though professionals say, “it’s not your fault,” it feels an awful like they’re saying, “it’s your fault.” For example, one of her recent assessments determined she is delayed in speech. The speech therapist stated that she didn’t understand why she would be delayed in speech since she seems very aware of her surroundings, has several vowels and consonants, and is very social with other people. The recommendations to me were, “you should be pointing at the pictures in books and labelling them”, “you need to copy her babbling, so she’ll want to keep talking”, “narrate everything you do all day”, and “talk to her like your having a conversation.” I’m trying, but I don’t do everything all day, every day. And the occupational and physical therapists from that assessment also had three to five recommendations of what I need to be doing. So that’s twelve improvements on my part from a two-hour assessment.

It feels an awful lot like it’s my fault when during therapy sessions, I have to answer that I’m not doing something all the time. Sometimes I don’t even know what the physical therapist is talking about when she asks about certain exercises. So I definitely have to say I’m not doing those ones. So then those exercises are added to the list of already 20 things I need to help my daughter with in order for her to move her legs better. How am I supposed to work on all 20 exercises every day? She gets tired. And I get tired.

Not to mention that my daughter has a whole team of other specialists that sometimes give me other tasks. Like now I have to remember to give her a vitamin to help her have softer poops. And I need to be keeping track of her poops to know if it’s working. And I need to feed her less cheese and more fiber.

So in the end, I’m not good enough. A perfect mom would be able to do all million tasks every day and be on top of all the things that need to be scheduled. And prepare three nutritious meals every day. And have her child potty trained by 18 months. I’m not perfect. I’m not even good enough. And I tell my daughter that I’m sorry that I’m not better at everything. I want my daughter to thrive, and I’m not doing very well at getting her there.

I have always hated having people watch me do anything because it usually ends up with me being told what I am doing wrong. And that’s how all these therapy sessions and assessments feel. I want to quit everything and just raise my child my own way. Because I feel like I could still do a good job. I would thrive, and maybe my child would too. But there are just a few things that her disability might make harder, and I want her to get the help that she needs, especially if it involves equipment, like a catheter or orthotics. So we keep going. And I keep crying about not being good enough.

So yeah, the point is actually I may need to see a therapist. Just add it to the list of all the other things I need to do. I know my daughter will be fine. I just need to stop taking all these recommendations so personally and decide which is the most pressing. Simplify and hope for the best.

Our Similarities

In a world that seems to be ever more divided, it's hard to feel that I have almost any similarities as others. In a world with social media and internet almost everywhere you go, we are connected more than ever before. And yet, I feel so estranged from people. Last night, I saw one of my Instagram friend's stories, and basically was saying that if I am a good Christian, I will vote for one presidential candidate. And then I saw another that said that if I am a good Christian, I will vote for the other presidential candidate. Either way, I am not a good Christian. And that's not me being facetious. I really have a lot to improve. I can do a whole lot more to be a better person. I've made lots and lots of mistakes. Even this year, there are situations that I handled quite poorly. And I've been a Christian since I can remember. However, Christ is perfect. And God is perfect. And they are the Ones that can bring us closer together.

The quote that I read today, that just touched me perfectly was the following:

God's Favourite

As a very visual learner, I liked this description of God's healing and uniting Love.  Hence the Venn diagram I created above. I honestly don't know how to reach out to people very well. Talking to people scares me. I tried to reach out to my ministering sisters today by bringing them cookies. And at a few of the houses, my heart was beating so fast because I just assume that I am doing something wrong and that the person I am trying to contact will react very negatively. But I took the first step. And as I continue to foster God's love in and around me, hopefully I will become less afraid and will be able to reach out to others more. I may be extremely different from someone, but with God's love, we are closer than we realize.

I don't know if most of this post makes sense, but I have been feeling a need to better serve others. Especially since I feel that most of what I see on Instagram and in the world is so divisive. But God's love can heal us and bring us closer. You may not believe in God, but His power is stronger than unbelief. He works miracles every day. And I hope to be an instrument through which He can work a few of those miracles.

He Delivers

I started this one on Sunday but had several other things I ended up doing. So sorry for the delay. 

My goal this year was to read (or listen to) The Book of Mormon three times. I have never read that quickly. Even on my mission, when I was studying every day for an hour, I read it twice over 18 months. So, this was a big goal for me. I definitely got behind and am still catching up on my last read through.

For my first read, I marked characteristics/aspects of God. Many of these were actions that God has taken. But I tried to mark anything that gave a hint to God's character. I marked several characteristics and actions, but one stood out to me more than others. It was repeated over and over in The Book of Mormon.

He is a God of Deliverance. He delivers.

Paige Payne Creations

He delivers the righteous from their bondage. He delivers them from their feelings of grief. He delivers the wicked into the hands of other wicked people. And He delivers the wicked into the hands of the righteous. He delivers His message to people around the world. He delivers command keepers to better pastures.

Different definitions of  'deliver' include to provide, to set free, to bring, to hand over, to send, or to aid bringing forth. To deliver is to move.

God is a mover of people. He will bring you where He intends. He will not leave you alone. This could be physically, mentally, emotionally, etc. God will bring you to Him if you let Him. And He will bring you to promised blessings. You just have to trust Him. (Which I understand is very hard to do sometimes.)

Whatever space you may be in, when you turn to God, He will deliver you. 

Because God delivers.

He is a God of deliverance.

He delivers.

***

The above painting is by Paige Payne. She had a day of screenshotting some of her creations for phone wallpaper. I have had this as my wallpaper for a while. I have needed deliverance from a lot of emotions this year. I have received deliverance throughout the year and hope to receive more deliverance. I haven't necessarily been delivered from all of the trials, but they have become easier to bear. I will continue to put my trust in the Lord, for He knows so much more than I.

Acting sluggishly

When you receive promptings from the Spirit, you are advised, or counseled, if you will, to act immediately. We talked about acting immediately in Relief Society a few weeks ago. A lot of the conversation was about missing opportunities and not being able to serve others, which may be the case, but this is my testimony from not acting immediately.

Over the course of the last year, I have prayed about so many things. I have received promptings and have acted not immediately. I have pretended that I was acting on the promptings, but it wasn’t a full follow or trust in the Savior’s plan.

Most of my promptings have been about my work situation. It is not ideal, and the promptings I have received also seem not ideal to me. In November last year, a rhetorical question asked during a lesson and/or during General Conference was, “If you had more faith, what would you do?” The immediate thought that came to my mind was, I would quit my job. Afraid Cami then did not quit her job but transitioned merely to a PRN position (as needed). This way, scared Cami could still have work and provide for herself and her husband.

Fast forward to June of this year. Still hesitant Cami was working PRN. Every shift she picked up, she lost more and more hope in her job. She gave up on trying to provide well thought out groups. She struggled to have motivation to keep providing authentic and encouraging recreation therapy. So, she wrote a resignation letter and didn’t come back.

Yes, I did it very poorly. But every time I thought about coming in for next shift, I wanted to cry. And I did cry. I felt so horrible about the way that I left. I also cried at work thinking about how much I could no longer stand my job and the feeling that I had very minimal support. And that my coworkers that did encourage me were also giving up. They also felt defeated.

So I quit. Seven months after the prompting, I finally acted 100% to that prompting.

I've seen a few wonderful changes from acting 100%, including my mood and outlook on life. Last year, I started tracking my mood and occasionally stress levels regularly. Almost immediately after quitting in June, my mood was consistently higher. I was rarely tracking my mood as bad. Whereas before I quit, my mood was almost always tracked as bad. My stress improved. My mood improved. I am so much happier. That job was sucking the life out of me.

evidation.com

Another blessing that has come from acting 100% on the quitting my job inspiration may be the ability to follow through with another prompting. I'm not saying that this is definitely the reason for the struggle, but it could be. This one may be TMI, so you don't have to keep reading this one. Just skip the asterisked section.

***

As I prayed about what to do with my life, I kept getting the prompting to have kids. And as my husband and I struggled to get pregnant, I would tell God that that wasn't a funny joke. He knew we had been trying, and yet he was telling me to have kids. At around 11 months, we had decided that if we weren't pregnant by this October, we would start the adoption process.

Almost immediately following quitting my job in June, we were able to get pregnant (at about 13 months). So, I guess technically we would be in the infertile category, but I feel I'm not allowed to talk about infertility because we did get pregnant, so there's that. I don't know if it was because my stress levels were finally so low or if God said, "Okay, you're finally listening to me, I'll bless you now." I won't ever really know, but I have a feeling it was a lot to do with my insane amount of stress from my job.

***

Sometimes when we don't act immediately, we aren't missing out on opportunities, but we may be delaying blessings. I'm not saying that God is going to not give you blessings because you don't follow His counsel and is just going to wait. But God does know best. He knows what is hurting us, and He tells us what will help us. When we aren't following our promptings, we are just continuing to hurt ourselves. We are the ones in the way of our own blessings. When we don't trust, we don't willing receive the help God is giving to us. Hopefully, I can do better in the future at following promptings immediately. 'Cause even though my situation is still not ideal, I am doing so much better than before.

"Jack of All Trades, Master of a Few"

 Hey Peeps!

It's been a long, long while. I haven't posted something substantial since July last year. I just wanted to give you an update of my life and what my hopes are for my blog for the foreseeable future. (And also give you all the quotes from 2023.)

For an update on what I am doing with my life, I am following my Recreation Therapy professor's modified phrase of "jack of all trades, master of a few." To start with what I am a "master" of, I work in mental healthcare. I am a PRN (as needed, just picking up shifts here and there) Recreation Therapist at a mental/behavioral health hospital. I also work with the City of Chandler as a Recreation Assistant. This one's a new job, and I'm still learning some of the ins and outs of it, but this one is my fun job. I get to go on outings, such as fishing trips and hiking. And my regular, but least amount of time job is being a piano teacher. I picked it back up in February last year. (If anyone is thinking about taking piano lessons, I currently charge $18 per 30-minute lesson, once a week. I usually teach beginner to early intermediate students. If you're already a pro, please don't come to me.) I also have a t-shirt "business." I screen print shirts and have sold a few. So, that's my job situation right now. I don't have a super consistent schedule, but I do consistently have work each week. So it's fine.

Also, what I am doing with my life (besides work) is trying to be a good wife, sister, daughter, and slightly fit/healthy person. I currently live at my dad's house in his mother-in-law suite. So, yeah, I'm the 30-year-old still living with her parent’s house. At least it's not the basement. And at least I'm not just gaming all the time (I rarely game, and it's usually when my brothers need a third player.) My goal is to start traveling a little more to see my siblings because they always come here, and I rarely go to them. I should probably also start just calling them more often. That would be good to do. I've been married a little over a year, and I am learning a lot. I am working on my communication skills (being nicer and more understanding).

In regards to this blog, I am going to try to write more. I want to do my Sunday thoughts at least twice a month. These will be a bit more "church-y" and spiritual, but they will go under the Sunday Thoughts label. If you want to look at what I am writing for those, you can access them through that label. 

So here we go on another adventure. We'll see how long I can keep this up. Also, the shirt in the picture is one of my screen printed ones. If ever you want to check out my shirts, I have them here.

2023 Reading Goal

 Last year, I had a goal to read 12 books, so basically 1 a month. And I wanted to read the physical copies, so even though I listened to audiobooks, I didn't feel like I had met my real goal. (The books I read can be found here.) So this year, I set the same goal for myself. I wanted to read 12 books instead of listening to them, even though I still wanted to listen to audiobooks. This year turned out to be an adventure because I ended up going down a giant rabbit hole that increased my usage of e-books (Kindle and Apple books).

So, if you would like to know the books I have read this year, they are the following.

Audiobooks

Physical Books

E-books

Books I read that I would NOT recommend:

*Uncomfortable Conversations with a Black Man--not very well organized and left me with more follow up questions because some of the original questions posed weren't actually answered; it's super short and doesn't have a lot of content

*Dotty Dishes the Dirt--A lot of errors that made me reread sentences several times to understand what was happening, but some of it might just be British English

Other warnings for some containing adult material (i.e. drugs, language, abuse, and intimacy):

*Karamo Brown--little bit for being a very real biography, mostly language and drugs

*Princess of Thorns--right at the very end and not necessary for the story, not super explicit but still unnecessary in my opinion

*The Children's Blizzard--associated with one particular character and not a lot, but there are a few sentences that are questionable

*Odessa, Odessa--dealing with abuses during Pale of Settlement and emigration

**I try to not read explicit intimacy in books, and I often put books down because of it; so, this is a list that I have deemed might still be too much for other people

**I work in mental healthcare and get told lots of rough and horrible things, so sadly I might be a little more de-sensitized and/or interested in some topics

A Season of Hope and Joy

Today I wanted to share some things that give me hope in this world. This is what has gotten me through life and has helped me through some of my darkest days. Also, it is very fitting to share this because it's about Jesus Christ, and the present day Christmas celebration is about the birth of Jesus Christ.

Christmas Day #4

I want to share with you The Book of Mormon. To request a copy of the Book of Mormon, you can click here.  In the introduction, Joseph Smith is quoted to say, "I told the brethren that the Book of Mormon was the most correct of any book on earth, and the keystone of our religion, and a man would get nearer to God by abiding by its precepts, than by any other book." I have experienced that this book has gotten me closer to God than anything else. 

There are lots of questions about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And there are sometimes doubts that come up, but whenever I do doubt or have questions, The Book of Mormon helps me. I believe this book to be true, and all of the rest of the stuff rests upon that.

If you need more hope and joy in your life, this book is for you. Recently, I have talked to a few people that are so depressed about the state of the world. They just want peace. Or hope. Or love. And that all comes from Jesus. This book brings you closer to Jesus.

I know I mentioned a few places helping during natural disasters on the first day when I mentioned American Red Cross and The Salvation Army. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints also has helped in so many ways. We have the helping hands, Bishop's storehouse, service missionaries, giving machines, and more. I have seen so many people helped from this church. People's lives have changed when they have read the Book of Mormon. I'm not joking. I've seen people who are so low and don't know how to get better to having a job and a clean home and a smile on their face. I've also participated in Bishop's storehouse which helps provide food for people in the congregation who might be struggling. Part of my mission was to do service. I helped at hospitals, assisted living centers, people's yards, and a few other places. The church encourages helping others. It's not just limited to this book.

A Christmas Feast

Who likes food? I do. I definitely do. So now we're gonna share some food. I have a few places that I want to share with you guys.

Christmas Day #3

The first place is a food packaging opportunity. Have you ever volunteered at Feed My Starving Children? It's a super fun volunteer project, especially for groups of people. I live in an area that has a permanent location, so they have multiple times you can sign up for each day. They make packing the food into a competition. I have gone with several friends, and we have tried to reach the all-time most packages per number of people. We have never reached it, but it's so fun to try and get the food packaged. We have often been the most boxes per table though during the session. 

The cool thing about Feed My Starving Children is that it feeds people around the globe. Most of the food packed is sent to other countries, but there are a few states in the USA that receive that food. Their food is meant to help people gain and keep weight.

If you're in Arizona, and want a more local way of giving food, I have worked with United Food Bank  (unitedfoodbank.org) several times. You can run a food drive for non-perishable food. I have also helped pack bags of the food, so they are easy to hand out to people in need. The location I have served at a few times is right next to a homeless/mental health shelter.

I also had the opportunity to hand out Thanksgiving dinner items at Valley View Community Food Bank with my then fiance last year. He worked there a ton during his mission. It was good to see the food going to people firsthand instead of just sending food off and never seeing it be placed in the hands of others.

On the Second Day of Christmas

 Hey guys! How is Christmas in July going for ya? If you want another easy way to give, I have a great idea for you. Also, if you like reading, this one's for you.

Christmas Day #2

This is Little Free Library. "Take a Book. Share a Book." I may have a problem where I love getting books. This year, I have gotten more e-books than before (most of them free). I love hard copy books. And I buy them pretty cheap at thriftbooks.com most often. I have a variety of ways of moving books around. I keep lots of books that I really love and may read again. Sometimes I give books to others (sister, stepsister, cousin, etc.) when it was a good book, but I probably won't read it again. I borrow books from my dad's house. I borrow books from my local library. And I also go to Little Free Library locations. Luckily for me, they are several in my area. I take books that I don't want anymore and leave them in the little library. If there is a book that I have been wanting to read or looks interesting to me, I will take it. It's a nice swap.

I had a book just this week that I took to the Little Free Library. I didn't want it anymore, and it is hardcover, so I couldn't donate it to my work. It was a book I would recommend to any of my close family or friends, so I put it in the library. There weren't a lot of books, so I didn't take any this time.

The goal of Little Free Library is to increase access to books and help decrease illiteracy. The reason I like this option is because there isn't a time restraint like a public library. At the public library, I can only check out a book for 3 weeks plus a few renews, and I am such a slow reader. And this gives me a way to get rid of books without having to talk to anyone as well. It's a simple book swap idea. They have an app, so you can find locations near you.

Christmas in July

I'll probably get a lot of flack for this. Actually, I don't know, since I don't have that many people who follow the stuff that I post or care about it if it happens to come across their feed. I missed halfway to Christmas on June 25, so I guess we'll have to celebrate Christmas in July instead. This is also prompted by so much hate that I see on my Instagram feed. I have a variety of people on my Instagram feed: different walks of life, religious beliefs, values, political views, physical and mental abilities, etc. There has been a big stir among my friends. Again. It happens more often than I would like. The people on my feed disagree. But it's not just a disagreement; it's a battle. At least one side, usually both, tries to tear the other side apart and show how stupid the other side is and how immoral the other side is. However, each conflict that emerges is so much more complex than only one side being dumb. But why does it have to be so hateful? Why do we have to be so mean?

Sometimes that arguments (especially the latest) are about how to help people. I've seen so many people get up in arms about how an organization is not perfect. So to be transparent, none of these organizations is perfect, but they are doing more than I could do on my own. In the spirit of giving, since it's Christmas in July, here are some organizations, items, ideas, (or people?) that have brought me hope or joy and help me share the gifts of life and joy to others. 

Without further ado, let's get the party started.

Christmas Day #1

I'm gonna start somewhere easy. At least it's someplace that I give often. Every few months (meaning 8+ weeks between times), I donate blood. I donate through the American Red Cross. If you would like to join me in donating, you can go to redcrossblood.org. I just donated this week and got the shark week t-shirt. For all my Gilbert and Mesa peeps, they just opened a new location in Gilbert, so it's easier to make an appointment without finding a drive. They're open on my days off, so it's super easy.

image from redcrossblood.org

The reason I give blood is because I have had a few family members who have needed transfusions during their stays in hospitals. There is a critical shortage of blood the last few years. I also think that if I can help save life, I will do what I can. This is an easy way for me to continually give the possible gift of life throughout the year. I don't know who gets my blood, but I believe in human life has value. There are many ways to donate. American Red Cross also helps in natural disasters. If you go to smile.amazon.com, you can set an organization for Amazon to donate to when you buy applicable purchases. I have mine set to American Red Cross. Maybe my few cents will help pay for some of the supplies used to collect blood or other supplies used in natural disaster situations. My Basic Life Skills certification also happens to be through American Red Cross. I usually just get that certification through my work, so that happens to be my work's current certification provider.

Obviously there are several ways that they have helped people in need. I am thankful for organizations who help others and myself provide care to other human beings. Like I said before, none of these organizations are perfect, but they do more than I could on my own. If you are thinking of donating blood, I know there is also Vitalant. I just have had a better track record with American Red Cross.  And another organization/church that helps in natural disasters is The Salvation Army. There are several resources that you can do research about to find where you would like to give aid.

2022 Reading Goal

 I had a goal this year to read 12 books (about 1 each month), which is not much in the reading community. I love reading, but I don’t have a lot of time because I’m doing so many different things all the time. So I thought I could read one book each month. I did not do that. I read 10 books. But, I also listened to 11 audiobooks. So count what you will. I really wanted to read read the 12 books. Here’s my list with a comment or two for each book.

This is a good book. It's historical fiction. It follows a slave girl as her mother escapes and gains freedom. I've read better books about this time period, but it's still a good read. 

This series is pretty good. If you like sci-fi-esque fairy tales, this is pretty good. It starts with cyborg Cinderella, which was a great way to start. It follows four fairy tale couples trying to overthrow the government. And there was really only one couple that I hated and was annoyed when reading about because they were just too lovey dovey.

Great book! For the most part, I love a lot of what Brene Brown says whenever I hear or read her stuff. It was fun to hear her narrate her own book. 

I finally listened to The Hobbit. I did not get to The Lord of The Rings books though. Maybe next year?

This one is so dry. The concept is quite interesting, but I had to renew it a few times to get through.

The Twisted Tale collection is pretty good. I love fairy tales. And they are all pretty easy reads. Maybe I like them because I am just a 12-year-old in an adult body. Some of them get pretty dark. I thought the Aladdin one was the darkest. I liked the concept of the Once Upon a Dream more of these two.

This one's good. I don't know what else to say about it, but it really is good and makes you think. 

This is a good short two stories. I wanted to actually go through the Legend of Sleepy Hollow around Halloween time because I hadn't ever heard or read the original story. I've just seen the headless horseman in different shows. 

I loved this one. If you are religious, it really makes you think. But, it also makes me want to take hold of my dreams and aspirations more. It's quite inspiring.

I love A Christmas Carol, so I had to listen to the classic. I also went and saw it on the stage. I feel like I haven't been to very many performances in the last few years, probably because of COVID. So it was a great way to get in the Christmas spirit.

It's an easy read. Easy to follow murder mystery. If you want something really easy to read and a not-too-dark murder mystery, this is the book to read.

I have to say this is one of those series that I was pulled in by the first book, and the rest of the books kept my interest here and there. The first book is great though. I could hardly put it down.

This is also a great book if you're religious. It also made me think a lot. I basically read it in one day (while I was on a plane). So it's an easy read.

I have one more book in this series to finish. I started the last book though, so it will be the start of next year's list of books. The second book took me a lot longer to read. Once again, I was drawn in more by the first book. Maybe it's the author? 'Cause it's the same author as the magician series.

Why Do You Stay?

When I was serving my mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I had two questions that I loved asking to other missionaries. Their answers to these questions showed me their heart, resilience, and if they were going to have a miserable time. The two questions were, "Why did you come on a mission?" and "Why do you stay on your mission?" I think these two questions apply to the church as a whole too. The reasons that people share as to why they joined and why they stay will tell so much. So, I wanted to share my answers to the two questions.

Why I Joined

I joined The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as an 8-year-old. I don't remember a lot. My parents had taught me the gospel since I was born. I knew there was a God, and I knew that getting baptized was a good thing to do. I don't really remember a whole lot else besides that. So, it's not the coolest answer as to why I joined the church. For people who have been baptized later in their life, I'm sure there are much more profound answers.

So, we'll just move onto the next, why don't we.

Why I Stay

The short answer is that there are times when I have undoubtedly felt the Spirit and have communicated with God that I cannot deny. There are things that I have experienced that lead me to believe that I am in the right place. The long answer is the following.

I know that God is real. Now, this doesn't particularly sway me to any church over another. This is a pretty general belief. But, without this, the rest of my testimony doesn't matter. God is real. And I am a daughter of God. I talk to God all the time. (Working in mental health makes this statement so weird because there are so many people who say God is talking to them and telling them to do different things that we classify that as psychosis. Where the difference between psychosis and true belief and conviction is, I don't know sometimes.) I have a true relationship with God that has helped me stay alive and to heal throughout my life.

I believe that Jesus Christ is my Savior. Again, not really particular to a specific church, but foundational. I believe there was an Atonement made to help me become better, to pick me up from my fallen state, to heal so many things that have been wounded, and the list goes on. I don't know everything about the Atonement (or else why faith?). I have lots of questions about the Atonement. I have lots of questions in regards to my relationship with God versus Jesus' relationship with God, and how those two relationships are in comparison, and lots of other things. But I still believe that Christ atoned for me.

I believe that The Book of Mormon is the word of God. Here's where we get a little more particular. The Book of Mormon has led me closer to God and Jesus Christ than any other book. I really love the four gospels in The New Testament, and I absolutely love a lot of Isaiah, but The Book of Mormon helps me understand more and has been more crucial to me coming to Jesus than The Bible. Granted, my Bible reading isn't the greatest and needs lot of improvement, so I should probably work on that. But, I will continue to read The Book of Mormon, and I will continue to come closer to my Savior.

I believe in the power of the temple. I have felt it. If I could live in the temple and just do family history work for the rest of my life, I would. There is no better place than the temple. In the temple, we make covenants, and we stand in as proxy for people who have past away to help them receive those covenants. The power of the Priesthood is abundant in the temple. It is almost tangible. At a time in my life where I wasn't able to go to church very often because of work, I was saved by going to the temple. Now, don't purposely not attend church but go to the temple because the Sacrament has power as well. But in my time where I was unable, the temple kept me sane while working full-time, going to school full-time, and dealing with the mental health of people at work and at home. I felt the difference on the weeks I did not make it to the temple. 

To add to the temple, I believe in the power of the covenants I have made with God. God has given me power, and I intend to do His will, so I can keep that power. I need all the help I can get in this life because I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm gonna keep talking to God and keep following His counsel, so I can get by and find the joy that He intends us to find. God's covenants protect us and inspire us. 

Lastly, I do have lots of questions. I doubt sometimes. With so many people leaving the church and sharing their experiences, I wonder what is happening. Why would people leave? And why haven't I? In the end, I think about all the experiences I have had: talking to God, going to the temple, reading the scriptures, discovering miracles in my life, etc. If those things were true then, how can they be untrue now? I have experienced too much that has made my life better to give it up. I want to continue to have those experiences, so I seek for them. I continue to talk to God, and He gives me answers (though most the time not answers that I expected or wanted). Ultimately, this gospel makes me happier, gives me more hope, makes me better and kinder, and leads me to amazing opportunities. I believe in God. I believe He is my Father. I believe He is kind and knows so much more than I do. I believe in Jesus Christ and His Atonement. And I want to become the person that They know I can be. I strive to do what is right. And The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints leads me to that. This is the church of Jesus Christ. I know because I've felt it. I've experienced it. And no one can take that away from me. And I can't force that on anyone. It's something everyone has to experience for themselves. So keep on living.

"God helps those who help themselves" and other fun quotes

If you didn't already know this, now you do: I work in mental healthcare. Come November, I will have been in this field for 7 years. Usually I am pretty good at keeping work at work and personal life at home. But every now and then, work gets depressing. You can only take so much before the drain. Burnout is real, and with the several plot twists my career has taken, I find myself looking for new jobs and saying, "One of these days, I'm going to be burnt out" (and have to leave mental healthcare). It still hasn't happened yet, but one of these days... In the meantime, here are some things that I learn and experience, especially in decreasing burnout, as a mental health professional.

About a year ago, my congregation at church had a get to know you night, and we all had nametags with a little bit of information about ourselves. Below is mine. (Yes, I stuck it in my journal like a weirdo. Whenever people say, "Paste it in your journal," it might actually end up in my journal.)

The name is pronounced the same as Millie.

Obviously I was being facetious with my answers. My mom would always say, "Are you being a problem solver or a problem causer?" And I totally own being a problem causer. I do it all the time. Though I was being facetious, I do study and work with "the human brain & change." I fully intend to help people and myself change: behaviors, brains, outlook on life, etc. Even as a lowly recreation therapist, I do this every day I go to work. I've learned a lot. And I've provoked change.

At work, I often call myself "the mean therapist" because I do expect people to change, and I ask hard questions. I make people think during my groups, and people don't like what I make them think about. They want to just be told that they are okay, and that the world owes them better. Sure, the world owes a lot of people better. I work with lots of people who have had terrible things done to them, and that's awful. However, if we tell people that they are okay, and that the world is what needs to change, nothing is ever going to change. You know the quote, "Be the change you want to see in the world" that is attributed to Gandhi but is actually not the words he said? Well, the principle is there. You are what changes the world. 

And change hurts. Kid President said, 'A Poem. "Two roads diverged in the woods, and I took the road less traveled... AND IT HURT MAN! ... Not cool Robert Frost!" Guess what! Your brain is made of a bunch of different figurative roads that move information from one place to another. And the ones that we use the most are the easiest for our brains to use. (This is how habits are formed, good or bad.) The ones that are less traveled are not as easy to travel, and so it takes some time to make it easier. Your brain is malleable. You can change your brain. You can make good pathways more of the instinct for your brain than others. But it takes work. And work hurts. Therefore change hurts. Therefore, my therapy hurts. I inspire and encourage change. (Not that I'm an inspiring person, as filling people with awe or wonder or amazement, but I do elicit and evoke thought.)

I'm sure you have heard the saying, "God helps those who help themselves" whether you believe in God or not. As a Christian, and therefore someone who does believe in God, I believe this is a mostly accurate statement. God helps us immensely when we put in work. Not that he never helps those who aren't doing anything for themselves. He may be a strict Parent, but He's not completely devoid of compassion. God ultimately wants our success, and He's gonna help us get there if we are willing to put in the work. So, I improve my life by working hard and asking God for a lot a lot of help. 

As well as working on your own brain, attitudes, and beliefs, service to others improves mental health immensely. I think John F. Kennedy had it right when he said, "Ask not what your country can do for you--ask what you can do for you country." If you haven't read his full inaugural address, it's a good read. Beyond making changes for yourself, you have to help your fellowman. If you only serve yourself, your life isn't reaching it's potential. Most people are happier when they are serving others. Helping other people gives one purpose and increases amounts of the happy chemicals (serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin) in our brains. Our brains are wired to have connection with other people. When the people we are with are happy, we also become a little bit happier. It's just how our brains work.

Unfortunately, we can't help everyone. If we could, a lot of us would. But the news is full of awful things that people do, and it can lead us to feeling helpless. I see so much I cannot change as I work in mental healthcare. I cannot change everyone. And it's something that I have to accept. I have to accept that people have their choice. I have to accept that I have control over a very small part of this world. But I can influence change. I can have hope. And I can do what I can in small ways. I can do my best with what I've got.

To sum it up, these are my three points that help with mental health and reducing burnout.

1. Make changes in your own life and attitude
2. Make positive changes in others' lives
3. Don't get distracted by what you cannot change

It's hard, but it's possible. I promise that my brain is very different from when I started studying about the human brain and change. I have definitely changed my brain. 

And if you want a picture for a visual of how it's all going, here is a picture from my family's 4th of July rocket contest. It's a pretty good visual of how that whole family weekend went as well.

Things might be a little rough (or lot rough) and have taken a nose dive, but tudo bem or it's all good.

Miracles, Faith, and Moving Mountains

Since General Conference at the beginning of April, the topic of miracles has been ever present around me. President Nelson's talk about Spiritual Momentum suggested seeking and expecting miracles. I've heard several examples of people asking for miracles, or just something they really want, and then God giving it to them the next day or within a few hours even. And I've struggled with that because I feel like that's not how God works in my life. I feel like God's answers to my prayers are "no" or "not yet."

This is what I have learned in my struggle this month though. God works miracles in my life. They are not the same as other people's miracles, but that does not necessarily make them less than others' miracles. I also realized that sometimes I don't notice the miracles because they are just naturally part of things that I am doing or aren't 100% what I am asking for. I try to bargain with God and "sweeten the deal" when really there is no deal; God is giving me something, and I should be grateful.

I have been trying to make a few decisions for changes that are happening in the near future. About a month ago, I felt good about an option. After I felt good about that option, I got new information. I didn't feel as sure about that option as I did before. So I continued my research, pondering, and prayers. After a long struggle and other options falling away (really good options, I might say, even ones where I thought, "This is perfect!"), I had a wrestle prayer with God. I have a lot of wrestle prayers with God. I also wrote about my struggle in my journal. In the end, I realized that the original option was still an option. And it still works with the new information that I received. So, my struggle was purely from looking beyond the mark. I still have yet to act on this option because there are a few other factors that need to be taken care of, and maybe this option will also fall away. Hopefully not. But sometimes I miss the miracles because they don't seem as "perfect" as other people's. My stories don't follow the same pattern of I prayed and I got what I wanted. My path to seeing miracles is a little bit messier. Partially due to my own stubbornness. 

The other thing that I have realized in the past month is that God moves mountains, and He also requires people to climb mountains. Some people's lives are filled with the faith to move mountains. And some people are asked to have faith to climb the mountains. Whichever is asked of us, we still have faith. Just because God asks me to climb more often than He asks me to move mountains does not mean my faith is less than those who move more than climb. Those who climb more might develop some really nice calves though.

Climbing also allows us to see where we have come from. We can gain a clearer picture of what is happening and what is going on around us. Here are a few pictures of views I have had from climbing. They aren't the best pictures, but I've seen lots of things because I have been willing to go to greater heights.

In the end, God is working miracles in my life, even when I don't immediately see it. And I am stubborn. I am often myopic, as the leaders in the church so love saying these days.

Sit for a Season

 Do you have patterns in your life? Do things and situations tend to repeat?

One pattern that I have found in my life is I realize that I need to make a decision several months in advance, I start to get my ideas in order, and I pray to know what to do, and God tells me to be patient in some form or another. And then He usually confirms or rejects my plans about a week or two before I absolutely have to have done something about the situation. Usually this happens when I am moving. Utah was a rough place for me because I wanted to move every year, and I would not come to a conclusion until I was a week or two away from moving. This resulted in lots of not renewing housing contracts and then scrambling to find one or miraculously being able to renew late. It also resulted in me quitting jobs and then asking for them back or finding new ones. And then my last year there, it ended with me still working for two weeks after my lease had ended, so I bummed on people's couches and did schoolwork at the park while camping in my car loaded with most of my possessions.

The awkward scrambling and other results from these decisions are not, however, the hard part. It's the patience. Patience is the hard part. It's the waiting for a confirmation to a decision and being told to just give it time in the meanwhile. The answer to have patience has come in so many forms. It's come in the form of "don't worry about that." It's been "don't give up on either." It's a "[it] will come to you," "wait," "I have a work for you to do" without added instruction, and sometimes no recognizable acknowledgement of my request. 

My current waiting period is "Sit for a Season."

What does it even mean to sit for a season? 'Cause I'm not just gonna sit and do nothing. At first glance, I think it's to stop trying to control so much. It's to sit back and let God handle things. Stay in the moment and just stay where you're at for now.

I know I'm going to move in June. I don't know where. My Indeed account is full of Recreation Therapist jobs saved. And mostly in other states. (Not Utah though. I did my time there.) Will I stay in Arizona? I don't know. Will I move to another state? Maybe. But ultimately I don't know right now. Everything just feels bleh. And God says to sit for a season. Just hold on for a moment.

But that's hard. I'm not a waiter. If anyone knows me, I finish people's sentences all the time because I don't know how to wait. If you know my family's Disneyland trends, we don't wait in a line for more than 45 minutes. (We're the people that speed walk past everyone and somehow have fast passes for all the fun rides. But since Disney's changing, we'll need a new strategy.) I can't sit still. The only thing that can hold my attention for more than an hour is jigsaw puzzles. Once it's 20-30 minutes into a task, I have to do something else. Actually, I can read for a few hours as well. But here God is, asking me to wait. Sometimes it feels like I'm going to wait for my whole life. Just wait.

Funny story, one time I was praying, and the answer was "Patience." And so I said, "I know, I know, patience. But how long do I have to be patient for?" And then God and I had a good laugh.

If you want some definitions for sit that fit this situation, here they be:

• remain in a certain state or position
• to remain quiescent (quiescent is dormant or inactive)
• to serve as a model (as in having a picture taken/painted) (this is definitely the meaning for this situation)
• to rest something
• to be located in a particular position

So I guess I am to stay for a moment. 

I just want to know my next adventure. Because I know one is coming. I know I am moving. It feels that things are wrapping up where they are. Friends are heading in different directions. I'm getting antsy. I don't like when I start getting stagnant. I've been in the same position for too long. I'm not learning anything new. My life is redundant. It feels like time to go.

And God says to sit.

At least for a season. Winter is a season. And also spring. Come summer, it's time for the next grand (or not so grand) adventure. And I won't know what it is until then. Waiting is the true refiner's fire. So maybe I will at least be a little more refined by the time June rolls around. We shall wait and see. And then I will move into a season of standing and moving.

Compelled to Be Humble

I am a very capable person. "Here goes narcissistic Cami again," say the two people who read this blog. I'm not saying that I'm absolutely terrific at everything. That's not even close. What I mean is that I am okay at a lot of things, and I'm a quick learner. If someone needs me to do something, I can learn pretty quickly and do a semi-decent job. And I can do a lot of things semi-decently. I don't know a lot about anything, but I know a little about a lot of things.

Sometimes this capability combined with an overwhelming fear that I am a burden on everyone I meet means I do things on my own. All the time. I am not good at asking for help. And I exacerbate that by trying to help others. All the time. I can't be a burden on people if I'm helping, right?

Wrong.

Just kidding, I just wanted to say that. Well, actually sometimes people are burdensome when they are trying to help. But that's not really the point I want to make today.

I find a lot of purpose in my being able to help people. Because without helping others, I'm not much else. And even if people don't like me, I can at least make a small difference in their lives. Within the last month, an overwhelming inability to help people has come to my attention. I have several areas of my life where I am literally powerless. I have family members, friends, and even myself who need help in some way or another, and am absolutely of no use. Nothing I do can change some things. And it hurts. It's a hard truth. As one of my co-workers says often, "Truth hurts with Cami." (I'm am a little too well-known for being blunt and telling people how it is.)

My purpose is to help people. And I can't. Which is really, really awful. I've cried a tear or two almost every day for three weeks. But it was at the most inconvenient times, so I had to truncate the tears. Funny story, there was one group I was in where another therapist said something hurtful to me. Since we wear masks, I cried one tear that just dripped down my cheek into my mask, so no one could see it. And it's just so funny to think about now, but I only allowed my one tear and then tried to stifle the sniffling. My nose runs so bad when I cry. So bad. I'm pretty sure my crying actually comes out of my nose more than my eyes. Anyway, this has been a fun tangent. Short story: It has been a long and rough month with things that I can't help with or control piling up and compounding. So I finally just cried and cried.

I was "compelled to be humble" as Alma 32 talks about. I couldn't just be humble on my own; I had to have everything pile up and then sit on the floor crying for an hour to really let it go. And I had to hear in General Conference that I need to give my whole soul to Christ and that the Lord will help me more than I can help myself. I have to give it all--all of it, everything, my whole self--to the Lord. I have been okay at giving some of it to the Lord, even all parts of a few aspects of my life to the Lord. But it's not enough. I literally don't have power on my own.

I can't do a lot of things. I can't take away people's anxieties or depressions. I can't take away people's desires to kill themselves. I can't make anyone accept the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I can't make any of the boys I like, like me back. I can't make someone talk to me. I can't make anyone stop abusing anyone else. And the list goes on and on. I can't do a lot of things.

Jesus can. I don't know what He will. But He can. And He will do more than I can. So I have to give everything up, not just a little bit. Give all of it.

In light of not being able to do stuff, I call the series below "Cami Trying Something New and Not Knowing What She's Doing." The backstory is that I was trying to involve more movement/dance (granted very simple dance--or so I thought) into my Recreation Therapy. And this was me recording myself to see what moves I liked and trying to decide how I would put the moves together. These shots are in the middle of several moves that I tried. I have not run this new group idea with any patients yet. It's a work in progress.