Hear Him

I believe that God speaks to us more than we might think or more than we actually hear. It is our responsibility to understand how God speaks to us. And it is our privilege to receive words from God. He has infinite love and inspiration to pour out to us.

As an adult, however brief that time has been, I have experienced hearing Him as I have made the decision to go to college. Growing up, I never wanted to go to BYU. As I applied to schools in my senior year of high school, I applied to BYU just because I knew it was a good idea to apply to multiple schools. I was definitely going to ASU though; that was the only school I ever thought I was going to go to. When I got accepted to BYU, I knew without a doubt that I was going to BYU. There is no explanation as to why I knew this. It just felt right. It was the only school that I felt like going to. It was an indescribable and unprecedented knowledge.

A year or so after graduating from BYU, I was trying to make a few decisions about my life. I wanted to move back to Arizona. I was praying about whether to stay in Utah or Arizona. (Up to this point, the answer was always to stay in Utah, so that's what I was expecting.) I didn't really get an answer either way. At that time, the only thing I knew for sure was that I needed to go to college again. There was no way to explain why this was what I should do. I didn't even have a program of study that I was planning on doing. I had been looking at Marriage and Family Therapy, Recreation Therapy, Recreation Management, and Education programs. I had no idea what I was going to study, but I knew that I was going to go back to school. It was the only thing that felt right among all the decisions I was making at the time.

I wanted to take a picture of my tassels just to have a picture for this post. However, when I was taking the picture the temple picture was right next to my tassels. I felt it was rather appropriate because the temple is a great place to hear God.

I believe that God speaks to us more than we might think. How do you Hear Him?

Prejudice, Privilege, and Spiritual Promptings

I prayed, and God told me to be kind and share my story. This is my attempt to do so.

As an elementary school student, I went to a school with a good percentage of Hispanic kids. At recess, some of the Hispanic girls would point at me (and my sister had this too), and they would laugh and speak in Spanish, so I couldn't understand. Kids are mean sometimes. And I always had low self-worth, so it just established my fear that people don't like me.

In high school, there was a Mexican boy who refused to call me by my name. He referred to me as "white girl" or "whitie." Lots of times I would just say, "I'm darker than you." I said this because he was rather pale, and I tan easily, so my skin actually was darker than his. He was annoying.  There was also a Korean boy that called all girls fat, except for me; he told me that I looked 50 years old. He was in my Biology class and would flip the textbook open to the picture of a penis. Every day. When it actually time to learn about the reproductive systems, we were also given packets. So, he would flip the packet and the textbook open, so there would be multiple pictures of penises on my desk. I wasn't super fond of that. He also was in my chemistry class the next year. One day, he grabbed my desk while I was sitting in it and flipped it over, so I was tossed to the ground. I just was lying on the ground with my desk next to me on its side and the teacher just stared at me. I got up and flipped my desk back over, sat back in my desk, folded my arms, and put my head down. And no one did a thing. Everyone just watched.

In college, I danced in the lu'au every year. And there were always the comments that the Polynesian dancers were looking too white. It was a lu'au to help fund multicultural students, and I helped get tickets sold by dancing, and most of my Polynesian friends loved that I was participating. One year, I had one friend while in the group, a Hawaiian girl. She confided in me that she was sometimes rejected from other Polynesian groups because she looked too white. We were both ignored a lot that year because we were too "white and skinny."

At work, I have been confronted by lots of kids who tell me that they hate all white people. They tell me that I'm racist because I remind them of the rules and expect them to improve unhealthy behaviors. They tell me they want to fight me because I'm white.

I've been hearing the word privilege again a lot lately, usually with the word white in front. I ran into the word 'privilege' while I was listening to talks from church leaders. Joy D. Jones mentioned the Prophet Joseph Smith telling the women of the church, "If you live up to your privilege, the angels cannot be restrain'd." And it made me think a lot about what is happening today and what happened during that time.

The history of the church is wrought with persecution.  People were tarred and feathered, shot in their own homes, and dragged out into the cold.  The people were beaten and killed in front of their own spouses, siblings, parents, and even children.  Their buildings were burned, and they were told to leave.  Yet, Joseph Smith told the women to live up to their privilege. It might have seemed hard to think about privilege when the people of Christ's church were being oppressed.  The law was technically set forth for the freedom of religion, and yet the leaders of the country disowned them and even ordered them out and/or killed.  So what privilege did they have?  What was Joseph Smith even talking about?

Women have the natural capacity of charity, according to the Relief Society notes.  They had strength in numbers and had the privilege to come to the aid of each other.  They aided each other by bringing each other food, caring for one another's children while work had to be done, and helping with the work.  They helped mend clothing and build homes.  They even shared their homes when needed.  They had the ability to teach their children how to love instead of hate.  They taught their children what silent strength was.  And I am a descendant of these women.

I come from a long line of strong women and men.  I have been taught and shown how to help others and to discern others' needs.  I have watched grandmothers take care of the sick and needy when they were also sick and needy.  I saw my grandmothers save and earn to give themselves and the people around them more than what they had before.  I've read the stories of grandmothers who were rejected by family and yet believed in love and caring for others.  I watched my mother be inclusive to everyone and my dad also be inclusive.  I can't say they're all perfect, but they have put in effort to make the world a better place.

I saw a sign the other day in a protest that said, "Silence is violence."  And I have to say I wholeheartedly disagree.  My ancestors have been a demonstration of silent strength.  There is a time to speak up, and sometimes the action is being taken by those who haven't said a word at all. Those who do instead of just say are some of the greatest unsung heroes.

So, let's all use our privilege.  Everyone has some type of privilege.  I've had the privilege of growing up in a home where learning was highly valued.  I had the privilege of growing up in a home where unkind things were not supposed to be said.  I got in trouble a lot for that. I grew up in a home where we were taught how to work hard and be diligent.  I'm not perfect, but I've made great changes in my life.  And I can do better.  I am willing to change, and I hope that I am kind.

"The Lord loves effort, and effort brings rewards." -- Joy D Jones

My Study Abroad

My bucket list only has one item on in it: travel outside the United States.  I've completed that, so I guess I can die now.

I've been living in New Zealand for a few months.  And since I am still taking my online classes, I sometimes call this my study abroad.  But because I do a lot of babysitting my nephew, my sister calls me her au pair.  Whatever this time is called, I thought some peoples would want to know what it's like.

I came to New Zealand with my dad and friend from Utah.  My sister and her husband have been gracious hosts.  The beach is so close.  And I love beaches.  If you wade in the bay close to their house, there are often crabs scurrying across your feet or away from them.  The last time I saw so many crabs was in my neighbourhood in Wilmington, North Carolina.  And they would be in the gutters after a large rain.

 We live across the street from the marae.  I've been able to attend a powhiri for one of the teams participating in Te Matatini.  They stayed at the marae across the street.  And Te Matatini was awesome, even though we only watched some of it on TV.

One of the classes I was taking while being abroad was a diversity in recreation.  And the class was mainly about race, ethnicity, and the struggles of participating in recreation if a person is not White.  It has been awesome to hear various sides of relationships among different races and cultures and to see differences in how people participate in life.  However, so many times while reading the textbook and thinking about my experiences, I think people are really the same.  We have the same needs and desires.  Some of us are just raised a little differently.

I have had roommates who are Chinese, Indonesian, Belarusian, Argentine, Mexican, Polynesian, Nigerian, Colombian, and more.  We have the same basic needs.  And living in New Zealand, we still have the same needs.  During my class, the chorus of Depeche Mode's "People are People" played over and over in my head.

Now that my study abroad rant is over, I'll share the joys of being an au pair.  I'm not a real au pair; all I do is babysit my nephew for a few hours a day.  I get baby snuggles every day.  What could be better than that?  My sister and I used to joke that I would come live with her and be a stay-at-home aunt while she worked.  That would be awesome, but eventually I'm gonna have to leave this cute baby.  And then I'll have to be a real adult.  Boo.  Guess I'll squeeze in as many snuggles as I can.

For They Did Feed Me

Matt 25:35 "For I was an hungered, and ye gave me meat"

If the gift to be fed was a spiritual gift, it would definitely be mine.  I wanted to give thanks to all the people who have fed me over the last few years.  I have been blessed with many a roommate that loves cooking.  I have been a grateful beneficiary of this cooking.  Thank you to all my roommates that have been willing to feed me or take me to the homes of your families to have dinner.

I have had family members feed me.  My cousins and siblings that have lived near me have fed me often.  And I have had many large packages come my way from an aunt who is eager to feed anyone.  She loves food and loves to share food.  For this, I have been quite thankful.

I have had concerned Bishops and ward members that have been willing to feed me.  I think I have already shared this, but once upon a time a Bishop of mine would always ask a few boys in the ward and me to finish off food at ward events.  I was well-fed during those days.  I also sometimes go to ward events and am fed.

Lastly, I have been blessed with jobs that give me food.  I get to eat dinner with the kids that I work with.  I have had some good meals because of this.

Thank you everyone for feeding me during my dreary college years.  I much appreciate the good that you have done in my life.

Freaking Lemons. I Hate Lemons.

First, somehow I am still alive.  And yes, I am still alive.  Those who actually read my blog (my aunt) may be wondering where I have been for the last month.  The answer:  In an alley, getting beat on by my classes and others of life's lemons.  Beware those lemons; they tough.  However, I thought I would share some of my lemons with you.

Lemon 1: School
This semester actually has me worried that I might fail.  And then I won't be able to graduate.  I have to take these classes over.  Which I don't want to do because of lemon 2.

Lemon 2: BYU/Provo Culture
I have a different blog post all about leaving BYU that I was going to post at the end of this semester.  However, I guess I'm not leaving Provo.  I don't know why.  I really want to because I hate it here.  However, I'm at this point because of lemon 3.

Lemon 3: Revelation?
Frankly, I don't know how to receive revelation.  I had made up my mind that I was going back to Arizona (or just going to Hawaii) to do my internship or to work until I could find an internship.  I felt really good about this decision.  And then I didn't.  And then I felt like I needed to stay in Utah.  Why?  I don't know.  I hate it here.  I don't fit in.  The reason I don't fit in is because of lemon 4.

Lemon 4: Unlovable
Once upon a time, my companion told me that I was unlovable.  Don't worry, I don't actually believe that no one can love me (for the most part).  I just have a hard time feeling love.  I don't know why, but I can't seem to make myself feel love from other people.  I enjoy being around people, but I don't understand that people enjoy being around me.  I am working on it.  I think.  I am trying to destroy that belief system. It's kind of hard to destroy them because of lemon 5.

Lemon 5: Singleness
This one is kind of a double-edged sword.  My roommates are in relationships and want me to be in one.  However, the only boys that ask me on dates are ones that I know I would be a bad match with.  And I don't ask boys on dates because of lemon 6.

Lemon 6: Self-Confidence
I'm pretty sure I'm awkward.  I don't want to embarrass anyone by asking them on dates.  I don't have confidence when it comes to being social.  I'm afraid that I make others feel awkward if I talk to them.  And that's why I don't talk to people.  Okay, this may be the same as lemon 4, but it plays a big role in my life.  I just need to let faith and just doing it overcome my fears and insecurities.  I can be better than what I currently am.

Though this is condensed, it is an okay representation of the lemons that want to beat on me.  I have let myself down so many times this semester.  I have run away so many times this semester.  I just want to run away for real though.  I'm not doing so great.  Luckily, I remembered a song yesterday that helps me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PsaSmU5AQds

Somehow I keep going.  I have been quite useless this semester, but I'm going to make it.  I hope.  Only two more weeks.  I'm so ready to be done.  This is where prayer becomes my constant companion.  Where did happiness go?  I don't know, but soon it will be back.  I know it will.  I'm going to bring it back.  It has no choice.

P.S. Don't think about too much, but now lemons looks like a really weird word.

September is Over--Thank the Heavens and the Earth and the Stars and the Moon and the Sun and a few Clouds, and Probably Best to Thank God

I thought I would just sum up September in a series of pictures.

 Trying to Balance Everything

Giant Bowl of Green Food

 Blisters from Wheelchair Sports

 Never Making my Bed

Applying for Internships

If you know of some places with a CTRS in Arizona or Hawaii that may be willing to take an intern, just let me know.  I open for suggestions.  (Except in Geriatrics)

Running out of Clean Clothes

Okay, it was really pants and other articles of clothing that were completely dirty.  I thought I was going to have to wear my pajamas or workout clothes to school.

Pretty much September was a Murphy's law kind of month.  I was a bit irritable, and I have told my coworkers and classmates that I am sorry.  Let's just hope for the best in October.  Thank goodness September is almost over.

Starting School Just Perfectly

School starts again next week.  And you know what that means--I'm going to do something awesome. And by awesome, I mean slightly awful.  But that's okay.  Life is for having adventures.  And by adventures, I mean consecutive awkward episodes where people just don't know how to help you.

Awkward Episode #1

I was able to be a part of homeless week.  Yeah!  It's that wonderful time in Provo where students are required to move out of their apartments and aren't allowed to move into their new ones until a week later.  Awesome!

I didn't sleep in my car even though I really wanted to just to say that I did.  I slept in a previous roommate's apartment.  And, I went home for a few days.  And then, I slept at the home of my step-family's cousins.  My stuff is in a few places.  Also, I have too much stuff, so if you want a bunch of random junk, raise your hand.  (Unfortunately, I can't see you raising your hand, so you may have to contact me differently.)

Awkward Episode #2

I don't have a phone right now.  Below is the email that I sent to a few family members (the ones that contact me the most).  You'll have to click on the picture to see and read it.

Awkward Episode #3
I haven't really had another awkward episode yet.  But, it's me we're talking about, so I'm sure something will come up.  I'm sure I will do something weird.  We still have half a week before school starts.  That is plenty of time.

I Actually Played My Game

Hey Friends,

Guess what!  I am still alive.  I survived finals and will be working over the summer.  I finally had lunch again with some friends.  All of the following lunches were actually last week, but I decided to read my books that my finals would be about instead of writing about my lunch adventures.

My first lunch contestant a few weeks ago was Tara.  Yep, we are really good at taking pictures.  She is my roommate.  Wait, not anymore.  She has been in the process of moving out yesterday and today and probably tomorrow.  She lost the game.  Below is the picture that I liked a lot better.  It captured my good side. Also, Tara's face is a lot more intense.

My next lunch was with Ayelen.  We used to be roommates.  She also lost.  I guess I am just too funny.  Or words just pop out of my mouth that I'm not even expecting, and then we laugh because we don't know what just happened or what to do.  It was great catching up with Ayelen.  I think I also would have lost the game if I wasn't allowed to laugh at anything that she said.

My last contestant was Brady.  He didn't like the first picture we took.  We were actually smiling, but he felt that this one pertained better to the entire lunch experience.  He also lost.  Surprise!  I think out of all my contestants, he has laughed the most.  We were in the same group for a class last semester, and it was quite entertaining to reminisce about our group project.

Altogether, I haven't had any winners in my game.  I just eat with a bunch of losers.  Ha!  Okay, I don't really think they are losers personality-wise.  Just no one has won my game.  I am going to have to get a really really good prize for whoever wins my game.  I need to be better at having my game more regularly.  I also need to make friends, so I can ask more people to play my game.

Thanks to everyone who has played my game.  I am thankful that people are willing to talk with me and spend time with me.  I am still not quite out of my comfort zone yet for asking people, but this is helping me to be more social (not necessarily socially acceptable).

That Crazy Kid

There have been many comments to me about my busy schedule and unorthodox means of travel.  Among these has been the question, "How do you do it?"  To which I reply, "I don't."  However, the most common comment has been, "You're crazy!"  I know.  I know I am crazy.  It makes life interesting.

 If you have been one of these commentators, this post is dedicated to you.  If you have not, this portrayal of my usual week may increase your likelihood.

Monday
Wake up at 6:30 AM.  Maybe go to the track with my friend.  Go to a club officer meeting at 9 AM.  Sort things out until noon.  Go home.  Start laundry.  Try to read my Psychology textbook.  Clean my bedroom.  My room is a mess.  I can't find my desk.  Try to read other books for my classes.  Go to FHE.  Try to read some more but get distracted.  Go to bed around 11:30 PM.

Tuesday
Wake up at 5:30 or 7:20 AM depending on if I go swimming with my friend.  Go to class at 8 AM.  Then go to my second class at 9:30 AM.  11 AM means eating lunch while watching devotional or trying to read for my Humanities class.  Go to Humanities at noon.  It ends at 1:20 PM.  Walk home and eat a snack.  Try to read the Rec Management books.  Get distracted.  Talk to my roommates.  Try to find something for dinner.  Settle for cereal.  Check email and get distracted again.  Realize it is 11:30 PM.  Remember that I should read scriptures.  Start writing down a question for a scripture.  End up writing 30 questions.  Go to bed around 12:15 AM.

Wednesday
Wake up at 7:20 AM.  Get ready.  Go to class at 8 AM.  Class is until 10:45 AM.  Take care of club business until 11:30/:45 AM.  Go home and eat lunch.  Accidentally fall asleep while reading my Humanities book.  Good thing I have an alarm at 2 PM.  Get stuff together.  Walk 20 minutes to my car.  Drive 15-20 minutes to work.  Work 3-10 PM. Get home around 10:45 PM.  Find a snack because I am always hungry after work.  Read scriptures and write down lots of questions.  Go to bed around 12:30 AM.

Thursday
Alarm goes off at 5:10 AM, and 5:19 AM, and 5:28 AM, and 5:37 AM.  Let friend know that I am super tired.  Debate about going swimming.  Perhaps go swimming at 6 AM.  Every first Thursday of the month, have a meeting at 7 AM.  Go to class at 8 AM.  Same class schedule as Tuesday, except no devotional, just reading.  Try to read book for 30 minutes before walking to car.  Work 2:15-10:00 PM.  Get home around 10:45 PM.  Get to bed around midnight.

Friday
Wake up around 6:30 AM to go to gym or the track with my friend.  Come home. Fold clothes that were washed on Monday.  (Sometimes they get folded the same day as the washing.)  Go to the temple.  Remember my assignment that was due yesterday.  Stress for a few minutes, about 30.  Realize all I can do is do my next assignments.  Decide that I need to relax for a little bit.  Watch a movie or take a nap.  Start riding my bike at 2:10 PM because my brother has the car for work.  Work until 10 PM.  Ride home.  Yes, in the dark.  By myself.  (On a few occasions, I have walked.  It takes about an hour and a half.)  Actually get to bed by 11:30 PM.

Saturday
Wake up at 7 AM. Do my job for cleaning checks.  Maybe shower.  Maybe go grocery shopping.  Drop my brother off at work.  Do my hair.  Surprise!  I know it is hard to believe that I sometimes do my hair.  Work 3-10 PM.  Check email.  Reply to the seven new necessary emails.  (Someday, I'll get to those 100 unread.)  Bed by midnight.

Sunday
Wake up at 7:20 AM.  Be to work by 8 AM.  Work until 3 PM.  Drive home.  Take a nap until 5 or 6 PM.  Eat dinner on my own or with my brother.  Play games.  Get to bed by 11:30 PM.
OR Sleep in until 9 AM.  Go to church and then go to work 3-10 PM.  Get to bed by Midnight.


I realize that there are lots of things omitted, like hygiene.  I sometimes have okay hygiene.  Also, I usually have a test each week.  Or a paper to write.  Or two papers to write.  I also realize that I don't use a standard time notation.  Please forgive.  Third, I realize that I have omitted much social interaction.  This is actually true.  As an exception, I did something with other people this Friday.  I was so proud of myself.

I hope I didn't bore you too much.  I hope you have the guts to get through your stress.  It only makes things bad if you let it.  Have a great March.

How to be Super Single at BYU: A Self-Help Guide for Practically No One

In the past semester, I have had lots of random thoughts that I think are hilarious.  Others may not think that they are funny, but I do.  I just thought I should share some with you in the form of a "How To..."  My random thoughts are in italics.  Have fun.

Becoming Super Single

1. Realize Your Potential
You may start out with thoughts that you may want to date and find a future spouse.  But, let's not get too hasty.  Remember that your worth does not depend on your relationship status.  Remember that there are so many great things that you can do.  There are many things that you can be.  You have the ability to create or lose relationships.

One day a boy will think, "Hey, this girl might be fun to be around."  And then he'll ask me out, and I'll decimate that belief.  I think I already did that once.

There is a lot of power in showing people how "fun" you can be.

2. Remember Who You Are
After you realize your potential, live up to it.  Whenever a temptation pops into your head, remember the progress that you have made.  Remember what you have decided to be.

The other day, a boy had a picture quote on his Facebook that sad boys like it when girls sometimes text first.  I wanted to text him just because of that post.  But he would probably think, "Uh! Not this girl."  Be careful what you wish for.

3. Dress Modestly
This step may seem a bit confusing because people are told to be modest even if they do want to be in a relationship.  But, you need to go the extra mile.  This step is especially for girls.  You need to wear clothes that don't hug your curves.  I'll give an example, with this picture.

Oh hey, that kid has the same shirt as me.  Oh, wait.

If you thought the person on the left was a boy, you are wrong.  That is me.  And, I am definitely a girl.  So, dress like a boy.  This is definitely one way to not get asked on dates.  If they don't know what gender you are, they won't bother.

**The other girls look like girls.  Maybe you still thought that I looked like a girl.  I don't know.

4. Be Grateful
There will be people all around you that have boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses, or engagees.  They will talk to each other about them.  These people are showing gratitude for what they have.  Although they may be in a different relationship status than is desired, you can still learn from them.  I was able to do this the other day as I was sitting in class.

When classmates open their computers and have pictures with significant others as their home screens, I just think, "I've got poptarts!"

Gratitude will help you come closer to your goal of super singleness.

5. Spend time with Family
Your family right now is all that you need. No matter what other BYU students say, you don't really have to have another relationship.  Family is so great that you should spend lots of time with them.  And then, post pictures together on social media.

Also, if it is your sibling that is the opposite gender, you should especially post those.  But don't tag your sibling or mention anything sibling related. People might think that you are in a relationship and will leave you alone.  I mean, people who want to be in relationship with you will leave you alone.  People who want a wedding announcement will not.

6. Work Hard

Go to school and work to pay for school.  These two things can take so much of your time that you won't have time to develop a relationship (or find any friends for that matter).

I don't have time for friends.  I don't even have enough time to do my homework.

As you stay busy, you relationship status will surely stay at the single mark.

Staying Super Single

Eventually, you will come to a point where dating seems a foreign idea.  You will hear a conversation from the table next to yours about how one of the girls is having a hard time deciding what to do because she went on four dates last week, each a different boy.

People go on multiple dates per week?  Wait.  People go on multiple dates per semester?

Then added by my brother:

Wait, people go on multiple dates?

At this point, you can finally realize that you are completely cut off from the ideals of BYU dating.  You have probably been single for a while now and plan on being that way for another while.  You have reached Super Singleness.  Congratulations!

Although you are Super Single, you constantly be bombarded by the need of other BYU students to be in a relationship.  You will be bombarded by the need of other BYU students to know your relationship.  They will want to set you up.  They will ask you your type.  They will ask you if you think anyone is cute.  They will tell you to flirt (which by the way, shouldn't come naturally to you now that you are super single).  If this gets into your subconscious, don't worry, it happens to the best of us.

I had a dream last night that I was getting married.  Then I woke up and was like, "Whoa whoa whoa, I'm note even dating anyone."

Your dreams do not define who you are.  (Else, I would also be married to a jedi.  And, my family would have been eaten by a tiger.)  Don't worry.  As you continue to follow these steps, you will remain super single for the entirety of your BYU years.

I congratulate you and wish you the best of luck.


P.S. It might also help if you wear shirts of sharks in space while pretending to have a lightsaber in grocery stores.  That could help your singleness.

Or if you are the annoying person who presses all the buttons in the elevator.  That could also help.

Am I still doing Lunch with Cami?

The answer is kind of.

It has been a stressful semester.  I cannot seem to be able to remember to do my homework or get it done.  I work a lot more than I used to.  And, my brother and I both work off campus, so we have to figure out ways to share the car to get to work.  If this were Arizona, I would just ride my bike because it would be fairly warm, and there wouldn't be any snow.  So, hopefully when it warms up, I will just be able to ride my bike to work again.  I know, spoiled Cami.

I can't remember what week these few lunches were.  I think it was almost three weeks ago.  Sorry.

The first is a friend named Vikram.  He was in a few of my classes last semester.  And we were in the same group for projects in the classes that we did have together.  Another kid from one of our groups also joined us for a little bit, but he didn't make it into the picture.  I think I did more laughing than Vikram.

Second, my aunt was up in Utah for the weekend.  So, I had breakfast with her.  I think I was also laughing more than my aunt.  Or at least she laughed at things that she said and that my brother said instead of at what I said (or did).  But, it was good.

From the evidence in both pictures, I think that it is safe to say that I don't smile normally for pictures.  I will try to continue to have some lunches with people.  I haven't been as diligent because the stress from school has really been pulling me down.  Which means that I should probably eat lunches more, so that I can balance the weight of the school stress.

Thanks for being my friends.  You all are great.  Have a wonderful Saint Valentine's Day.  (If you celebrate that kind of thing.)  You should watch this video and read this article: Saint Valentine's Day

Lunch with Cami: Week 1

Well everyone, I know you are all anxious to hear about how my new game is going.  It is quite interesting.  And, I think it is fun.  However, I may be getting out of my comfort zone a lot more than I thought.

I have had a few people comment on the idea and say that they would be willing to play along.  And, I am not sure how many people have actually seen my post on Facebook.  I may be making some awkward calls to people that I slightly know.  Here is why I think my phone calls are awkward: I don't have high self-esteem.  I don't really think that people want me to be around them.  In high school, I never waved at people first because I was afraid that I would embarrass them in front of their friends.  I viewed myself as the weird, awkward, nerdy kid.  I didn't believe that peers would want their other friends to know that they knew me.  So, that is the reason that I put it in the hands of others to request eating lunch with me.  It will be awkward for me to call people because I still slightly believe that others don't want to be associated with me.  I don't want them to be embarrassed to have people see them around me.

BUT
I need to step out of my comfort zone.  I need to face my fear of rejection due to my belief that people will be embarrassed to be around me.  So, in a few weeks, I need to start making phone calls, or messaging people on Facebook because I don't have very many phone numbers.  I need to be more assertive.  But, I don't want to.  At least I have a few weeks to muster the courage to ask people to eat lunch with me.

I am sure you wanted that extra drawn out explanation of how the game is going.  That took a turn that was unexpected, even for me.  I think it is good to add a little more explanation to the game though.   This game isn't just for fun.  This game is a learning experience.

WEEK 1
My very first contestant was Sarah!  Yay, she gets a special prize.  She got a prize even though I provoked her to laugh.  It was a good lunch.  I think she made me laugh more than I made her laugh.  But, I am glad that there was laughing involved.

My second contestant was Emmett.  As we ate lunch, he was a difficult one to crack.  He laughed a lot at his own comments, but I was rather dull.  Finally, I made mention of that fact, to which he laughed.  So, he also failed to make it through the game without my provoking laughter.

To all who might be considering playing this game:

It is highly likely that you will be sent home with a prize.  I have found that I am not entirely amusing.  So, if you want a prize, come eat lunch with me.  Or, if you want to see me laugh at my own jokes and not think the jokes are funny, this is the game for you.

Have a great week.

P.S. It's been an interesting first week of school.  I work a lot.

In the Spirit of Thanksgiving

Throughout my university experience, I have worried a lot about funding.  In response, some of my peers have told me to ask my parents for help.  However, I have been taught to be independent by parents and by church leaders.  My family members know that I can be too independent for my own good sometimes. I also have four other siblings that have been or will be at university at the same time as me.  And, I have been taught the value of hard work.

I have worked to help me pay for school.  I have stuck with jobs that weren't much fun because they paid better than other campus jobs.  (This means that I cleaned toilets.  You'll have to ask me about some of the fun things I have found.  Like wiping up beards.)  As I have worked, I have made just enough to pay rent and for groceries and for new pants because my brother didn't like that I was going to school with quadruple patched pants that were once again tearing.

I wish I had this many quarters.  Then I could do my laundry.

Because of my worry, and because it is a smart thing to do, I have kept track of my money and have projected my expenses and income.  I have used my beloved spreadsheet to easily change estimates on my projection. Every time I calculate, I find that I don't have the funds to continue for the next semester/year.  And so, I constantly worry about school the next year, sometimes just the next semester.

After these morbid projections, I become frantic and look for more ways to fund my schooling.  I make plans to get a second job: I start searching and reshaping my resume.  I apply to jobs.  I apply to more scholarships.  I think about getting loans but am always afraid.  (I have a consistent fear that I won't be able to pay them off.)  Also, last month, Elder Hales talked about not obtaining debt.

Today, I looked at my bank accounts again to make sure I had enough money for groceries this week. My millisecond look at the numbers sent me into shock.  My bank account had a 1 in the thousands place!  My first thought was, "What the heck is my family doing? They are not supposed to put that there."

So, I loaded the summary to find a refund from BYU.  I didn't believe it.  I knew that something was wrong.  I hadn't paid for anything recently.  Tuition was due a whole semester ago, and I hadn't dropped any classes.  I remembered that I had received a message from BYU.  So, I went to my account to read the message that I hadn't opened because it wasn't one of my five group projects.  This is what I found:

I almost cried.  And if you know me well, I don't cry.  Even when I look like I am about to cry, I don't cry.  A few weeks ago, I had projected, on my beloved spreadsheet, that after tuition and January's rent next year, I will have $11 in the bank.  The timing of this message was impeccable.  My belief throughout university is that if God wants me to continue to school, and if I work hard to pay for it, God will make up the difference.  He will help me get the funds that I need.  This has only been one of hundreds of times that this principle has been true in my life.

In these moments that I have realized that I cannot come back to school, I have always received help.  I have received cards in the mail from a grandparent with some cash.  I have looked at my bank accounts to find a little extra money from my dad or grandparents.  During Christmas breaks and summer breaks at home, I have gone through my stuff and have found cash from past birthdays or Christmases.  (Being at home also means I don't have to pay for rent or groceries.)  Aunts have sent packages of food.  My sister and I realized we could trade books, or that I could use her old books.

I thoroughly believe that God has a plan for me, and going to school is part of that plan.  He has provided means.  I am thankful for His help.  I am thankful for the family that He has given to me to help me.  I hope that I can be as much help to them as they are to me.  I am thankful for the moral support that my family gives to me.  I am sad that I have to be so far from all of them, but school is almost done.  I can come closer soon.  I am thankful for school.  I am thankful that my mind has the capacity to learn.  I am thankful for family.  Still.  I am still thankful for my family.  Four sentences later, and I am still thankful for my family.  I love all of you.  Have a wonderful December.  It starts tomorrow.

The Gift of Silence

Today, I made a comment in class and shortly afterward remembered why I don't usually do that. 

"Long pause, no answer."

I think I really did hear the crickets chirping.  And, my teacher just stared at me for a little bit.  

It really reminded me of a quote that my dad is quite fond of.  It has been attributed to Mark Twain and Abraham Lincoln, but the version that I remember hearing goes something like this, 

"It is better to stay silent and appear stupid than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."

Thank you.  Thank you.

Hold your applause.

(I guess for forever.)

Winning a National Championship and Humility

This week was awesome!  But, it was also very humbling.

I have been in my ward since the end of April.  So, about 6 months, and YSA wards in Provo are usually pretty good at getting callings to all of the members within a few weeks.  I have been a visiting teaching, and that is it.  My prideful self thinks, "Why can't they see that I can do something?"  I wonder how I, with so much to offer, am left as a callingless unknown member of a ward.  But, humility is my lesson.  It is something I struggle with all of the time.  I think that I am an awesome person, but I need to be humble.

A few weeks ago, I also looked on my ward's Facebook group to see if we had any events that week.  I found that I had been deleted from the Facebook group. That was sad.

But, this week, my pride kicked in again.  I had the awesome opportunity of being in a quiz bowl at the 50th anniversary NRPA conference.  For those who don't know, the quiz bowl is jeopardy, and NRPA stands for National Recreation and Park Association.  I was on a team with three other Recreation Management students.  I was voted team captain by my other three teammates.  Six colleges competed in the quiz bowl: Univeristy of Utah, BYU, NC State, Cal Poly San Luis Obispo, Texas A&M, and Ole Miss.  There were two rounds.  The first round had two games with three schools in each game.  We were in the second game.  The second round would be the winners of the first two games.

In the first round, we weren't doing so well.  My buzzer didn't even work. There was one question in which I was the only person clicking in and they still weren't getting my signal, so my teammate clicked his buzzer so I could answer the question.  We also had it rough with the questions.  We answered quite a few wrong.  So, come final jeopardy, in which we can wager our points, we had 4800 and NC State had 9000.  My teammates said that we were going all the way because we were going to lose anyway if we didn't.  So we wagered 4800 points.  The category was Disney, so we felt fairly confident.

The question: "What is one of Disney's two newest cruise ships?"

What?!  I have no idea.  Neither of teammates knew either.  So, we each came up with an answer that could possibly be it.  I thought of Fantasia.  And, I really liked that answer.  I also had the marker.  I also felt really bad for liking my answer so much and wanting to write that down instead of my teammates.  I had a hard time deciding.  My two teammates also just looked to me as the team captain to make the decision.  So, I wrote down, "What is Fantasia?"

We were doomed.  We didn't know the answer.

The judges saw our answer and hesitated.  All the BYU professors were shouting, "It's Good! Just give it to them!"  To which the judges obliged. We got the 4800 points!  We were now at 9600.

I just yelled, "What?! Yes!"  I threw my arms in the air and could only think that this was impossible.  I later found out from our teammate who sat out for the round that our coach literally got on his knees and prayed.  Prayer works.  It really works.  We kept up the BYU "tradition" of a hail mary to win.

NC State, at 9000, had wagered 600 points.  They had also given an answer that the judges hesitated but eventually gave to them.

NC State: 9600
BYU: 9600

We tied.  So, for the second round, we both went in.  It was a three-school championship round.  We went up against NC State and Texas A&M.  We dominated.  We took most of the points.  At one point it was BYU at 15000 and the other two teams were in the negatives.  We lost a few points, and Texas A&M and NC State gained a few.  With two more questions left in the double jeopardy at 2000 points each, I realized that they couldn't win.  We had 13,600 and the other two teams were only in the one thousands or less.  The two questions were answered and we were in the final jeopardy.

We wagered 600 points.  NC State had 0 points and could not wager any points.  Texas A&M had 1000 points and wagered 999.  Neither of us got the answer right, so the final score was

NC State: 0
Texas A&M: 1
BYU: 13000

We dominated. To my dad, who's the Dominator now?!  You also now have a national champion as a daughter.

2015 NRPA Quiz Bowl Champions

That was a really great moment.  I couldn't help but smile for an hour.  That was some good therapeutic recreation.

When I came home, I was so proud of myself, which meant that I required some humility.  The first person who saw me when I came home, just out of the blue, told me, "You don't have any visiting teaching assignment."  Ouch.  After thinking that I am great and wondering why I don't have a calling, I was told that I am not even a visiting teacher.  Ouch.

Then, I read an email in which the TR club wished good luck to two of my team members.  My other teammate isn't a part of the club yet, so they didn't know to wish her good luck.  But, I have been a member of the club since January.  Ouch, again.  My thoughts were just, "How am I so invisible?"  Does nobody know that I am a national champion?  Just kidding, I didn't tell anyone except my two roommates who asked me about it.  And, Kit.  She got to come with her kids for a little bit.

Humility.  It stinks.  A lot.  But, it is something that keeps me grounded and reminded that I have a lot to work on.  I am thankful that I have humbling experiences, or else I would probably be a huge snob.  By the way, I am a national champion!

All in all, I had a pretty good week.  I won.  BYU won!  I am thankful for the power of prayer and the healing power of the temple.  I was able to go to the temple at the end of the week.  And, it was fantastic.  I just felt all of my sad feelings of being unloved and unnoticed wash away.  It doesn't matter what the world thinks of me.  It doesn't matter if a ton of people know me.  All that matters is that I have good standing in the eyes of God.  And going to the temple helps me realize that I have good standing in the eyes of God.  I know that He loves me and knows me.  I just need to remember that more often.

Thanks for all you.  Thank you for your support.  Have a wonderful September!

P.S. I got a visiting teaching assignment the day after I was told that I don't have one.

The Science of Playing

A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity of visiting my family while on break from University.  I was able to visit with many aunts, uncles, siblings, cousins, etc.  As I have reminisced those few weeks, I have great appreciation for my major.  As some of you know, I am majoring in Therapeutic Recreation.  The major involves psychology, biology, recreation, and events management.  Therapeutic Recreation allows for family and individuals to be strengthened socially, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, and physically through recreation. 

A few of my cousins were fighting about an insignificant bump between themselves.  As they quarreled, I used our surroundings and equipment to produce a game.  They stopped fighting when the heard the word 'game.'  We played games for a while, and they kept peace.  Something else I have seen in the last few years is the growth of my brother.  He doesn't seem to talk much.  The ways I have been able to talk to him is by having foam sword fights with him, beating him in different video games, and rollerblading with him in the blistering Arizona heat.  I love the fact that recreation helps create environments for growth. The thing I love the most about my major is the connection it has to my religion.

In 1995, the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints released a proclamation about families.  My favorite part of the proclamation (and the part that we study as Therapeutic Recreation students)  is as follows: "Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities."  Did you read that?!  Wholesome recreational activities!  That is what my major is about.  

As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we are also encouraged to have Family Home Evening.  Family Home Evening is one evening a week, usually Monday.  The purpose is to bring families together for gospel sharing and activities.  We are encouraged to have recreational activities because they invite the family to be together and increase unity.   To learn more about the purpose of family home evening, the website is as folllows:  https://www.lds.org/topics/family-home-evening/purpose?lang=eng

The family is central to the gospel of Jesus Christ.  All that we do on this Earth is to lead to better homes and families, which will be our joy in the eternities.  I am thankful for my awesome family.  They do a lot for me.  I am thankful that I have had and will have great moments with my family.  I am thankful that I will be able to see my family members who have passed on.  I am thankful for Christ for making it possible.

My Family 2009

Patient Urgency

In life, I have found that there is a concept that is somewhat paradoxical.  I call this concept Patient Urgency. I have had two specific experiences with this concept.

First, on my mission, I desperately wanted people to understand and be converted to the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I felt the urgency to share the gospel.  I felt the necessity for people to accept the gospel.  But, I couldn't force it down their throats.  Conversion takes time.  I had to wait and be patient with the people I was teaching.  I had to be patient with myself.  Although I had to be patient, I still had to share the gospel and share the immediate need for the healing power of the Atonement.  We need it now, but we must also be patient.  This is patient urgency.

Now, I am in an awkward state.  Many ponderings and scriptures studies (and the most recent General Conference) and other such things have been pointing to the Lord's desire for me to get married and have a family. And some time soon.  I feel the urgency.  But honestly, it scares me.  I have many flaws, and I don't work well with others.  This also means that I would have to go on dates, which I am not currently doing.  I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM DOING.  I second-guess myself all the time.  If I don't get things done, that is why.  I don't have any confidence, my friends.  I don't know how to do things.  This is why I don't ask boys on dates.  Boys don't ask me for reasons I don't exactly know, but I have a few guesses.  It's probably because BYU is full of attractive, flirty, high-maintenance, blonde, short, classy, confident girls that distract the boys from my interesting, goat-shirt-wearing person.  Anyways, I feel the urgency, but I need to be patient.  I need to be patient with myself.  And, I just wish the urgent feeling would go away.  But, it won't. Seriously, I don't want to feel like this.   So, I guess I should just take some confidence pills.  At least I have more of a desire to get married than before my mission.  Before, I had almost absolutely no desire.  Now, I have about a 13% desire.

And now, you know the inner struggles of the person known as Cami.  You know you don't have to read my blog, right?  Have fun.  It's May!

Donating Blood vs. Public Speaking

Yesterday was Sunday.  It was an interesting Sunday.  It was the last Sunday of the semester, so almost everybody was released.  There were a lot of hugs and a tiny bit of crying.  I also gave a talk yesterday.

I was asked on Saturday morning if I would prepare a talk.  I literally had 24 hours to prepare.   Luckily, my talk was supposed to be about a gospel principle from General Conference.  I prepared a 10 minute talk as I was instructed to do.  I had a few things to add to the end if I needed to speak a little longer, and I also prepared in a way where I could cut out some information if I needed to.

Sunday Afternoon
As the first speaker started speaking, my thoughts turned to a few days before when I was donating blood.  When I was donating blood, my heart beat was 60 bpm.  I was wishing that my heart rate could be as low as when I was donating blood.  Apparently, I am more calm watching my blood flow out of my body than when I have to speak to a congregation of people.

Another thought was that I love sharing the gospel with people, but not to that many people at once.

In the end, I had three minutes to speak.  I drastically cut down my talk.  I only remember that my topic was forgiveness and I had quite a few quotes from Elder Craig A. Cardon.  https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/04/the-savior-wants-to-forgive?lang=eng

Love,
Cami

Patience is a Virtue

For the past few years, I have been thinking about missionary service.  In the past, I knew that as a female I could be a missionary when  I reached the age of 21.  But, last year, I was surrounded by boys who were getting their mission calls.  I had friends in Provo getting mission calls.  I had a few friends in Mesa getting their calls.  I was excited for all of them.  I also have a cousin who is only a few months older than I.  I wanted him to get his mission call.  And, I still do.  I am waiting for him to finish his papers and get out into the field to serve.  I want him to go so badly.  But, the point is that I was surrounded by people who were leaving to preach the gospel.

So, my idea was to be an awesome missionary in Provo, as myself.  But, the problem is there aren't very many people at BYU who are not LDS.  Guess how many people of those few I know... zero.  And, if I actually do know some people who are not LDS, I don't know that they are not LDS.  So, it didn't work very well last semester.

During this past summer, I got to have a small missionary experience.  I participated in the Nauvoo Pageant.  I dressed up as a pioneer and sweat for two weeks.  Okay, we only dressed up for one of the weeks.  But, before and after the pageant, all of the cast members were supposed to talk to audience members and ask for referrals.  We had to talk to people that I didn't know.  That was rather difficult for me.  But, I managed to stay alive and ask one person for a referral.  So, I didn't think I would be a good missionary.



Just a few of the Nauvoo crew

Then, after the Pageant, I returned to the valley with my family.  I was giving a family home evening lesson in which I was incorporating a scripture from Doctrine and Covenants and  Moroni 4:3.  In my notes, I accidentally wrote down D&C 4:3.  So, after the lesson I read Doctrine and Covenants 4:3:

"Therefore, if ye have desires to serve God ye are called to the work"

I had been called to the work already.  I decided that if I couldn't find others in Provo to inform about the church, I was always welcome to help those who already have the word.  I needed to be an example through action.  I needed to help people by being myself.  So, I moved back to Provo for the Fall semester.  And, I once again started classes and met new people.  But, one day I was in my room by myself and just stood and said, "Why can't I just serve a mission now?  I'm ready."  (Truth is I wasn't really ready.  I still have a long way to go.)

Then, at the beginning of October, an announcement was made that changed my thoughts on my maybe future missionary service.

As soon as the announcement was made, I thought, After winter semester.  So, I have been working on my mission papers since right before the winter break.  I got my dental and physical examinations done in the valley while I was home for Christmas.  I sent my papers to the bishop, had an interview, and the bishop sent the papers to the stake president.

About two and a half weeks after the papers were sent to the stake president, the bishop asked me to come pick my papers up because I was missing some health information: the physician had not recorded my TB test and I needed to get a blood test and urinalysis done.  I received my papers on a Tuesday evening.  That same evening I emailed my health papers to my dad to get the TB test recorded by the physician.  On Thursday, I received a text letting me know that the physician had faxed the papers to the BYU Student Health Center.  Two weeks later, I was able to have my lab work done.  (That was this Friday, February 8.)   Yesterday, I finally gave my papers back to my bishop.

My bishop told me that I was more patient than a few of the other girls that were also turning in their papers.  I told him that I didn't know about that.  But, he reassured me by telling me that some girls text him more than once every day to check up on the progress of their papers.  I have not done so.  But, after church, I was thinking about being patient.  I guess I have been somewhat patient with the situation.  Maybe that is what I have had to learn in the past few months. 

For me, it is easy to be patient with situations.  I need to learn how to be patient with people.  I need to learn how to be patient with myself and with the people that I interact with.  After all, Heavenly Father is extremely patient with me.  He watches me make mistakes, but He doesn't rub it in my face and tell me how terribly I am doing.  He just picks me up, chastises me, and offers to hold my hand along the way.

So, if you constantly find yourself failing, you really aren't.  You only fail when you give up on yourself and decide not to try again.  And to everyone that actually reads my blog, I love you.  And to everyone who doesn't read my blog (which is everyone), I love you too.  Thanks for helping me with my life.  Have a wonderful week.  It's almost Valentine's Day.  Remember that you are loved.

Love,
Cami



The Healing Effects of Christmas Music

Monday, September 17, 2012, started with a rough morning.  I got up at 8 a.m., which is the time that my alarm clock starts beeping every morning.  I got dressed, ate breakfast, brushed my teeth, and did a few other morning rituals.  I then looked at the article that I was supposed to read for my class that starts at 9 a.m.  There were several pages.  I decided that I was not going to be able to read that much in ten minutes.  So, I left with a backpack filled to its holding capacity.  My backpack was so full because I had to finish my readings for all of my Monday classes.  I had to have most of my Tuesday readings finished as well, since I knew that I wouldn't have much time after I got home that evening.  I left the house as a grumpy, pessimistic teenager.

I made it to my class on time because I am lucky enough to have an awesome new bike (courtesy of Cherise).  So, I was able to ride down the street and to the Smith Fieldhouse in six minutes with about four minutes leftover to walk into the building and into the correct classroom.  Luckily, my first class went pretty smoothly.  My second class went okay as well.  Though, I didn't have the reading done for that class either.  And, I am always freezing in that class, so that did not help my attitude either.

I then had 3 1/2 hours to do most of my reading and write in my journal and read my scriptures.  I started on the first floor of the Harold B. Lee Library.  I sat in a chair doing my New Testament homework when a creepy looking bug was crawling on my leg.  I calmly flicked it off and resumed my homework.  After a few minutes, another creepy bug was crawling on the arm of the chair that I was sitting in.  It crawled out of my view to shortly crawl back up the arm.  So, I wiped my backpack off, gathered my books and pens, and stood up and walked away.  I continued to wipe off my pants and my back because I was paranoid.  I then climbed the stairs to the second floor.  I entered the Family History area and headed to the far right of the library.  I was then able to start my homework.  I didn't finish any of it.  Also during my 3 1/2 hours of reading, I realized that I had not submitted the topic of my term paper that I have to write for my Human Biology class.  This realization was discouraging.  Why?  The topic was supposed to be submitted by 5 p.m. on Friday, September 14.

After my underachieving reading time, I went to my ASL class at four o' clock.  I then had to put my glasses on because my sight was blurry from reading continuously for such a long period of time.  I managed to survive the last class of the day.  I walked home because I did not want to pedal my bicycle up the slight incline with a heavy backpack.  So, I trudged.

Two hours.  I had two hours to eat food (since I ate only two granola bars at school), finish my reading, and type some quizzes for my communications class. 
Throughout all of this time, 8 a.m. to 5:30 p.m., my life was filled with sighs, moaning, heaving, and groaning.  Suprisingly, I had a pretty good sandwich when I got home.  After dinner, I set up my equipment in the family room.  I put my headphones on as I started to type.

I chose to put on Christmas music.  I listened to Mormon Tabernacle Choir, SheDaisy, Josh Groban, David Archuleta, and Mannheim Steamroller.   I want to say that I love Christmas music.  I was able to finish the rest of my day with a better attitude even though I still did not get all of my reading done.

I hope that we can all find our happy place.  It is not always the same depending on the day.  Sometimes, we just have to talk to someone.  Sometimes we may have to go play tennis, basketball, or hockey.  We may just go for a run.  And sometimes, we need to put on some music.  In my case, Monday required Christmas music.

Here are some songs for anyone that may need some cheering.

I am sorry that there are not "fun" videos that go along with the music, but I primarily wanted to put the songs up.  I don't know how to just put the song on the blog, so I am sorry.  Thanks.
Love, Cami
P.S. Today is talk like a pirate day.