Quotes of the Year

Emmett: What if I got married this year?
Cami: That would take a miracle.
Emmett: (slightly offended gasp)
Cami: What if I got married this year?
Emmett: THAT would take a miracle.
Cami: Yep, it will take a miracle for me to get married at all.


Cami talking about a trip that would be a year long starting in July.
Cami:  But what if I meet someone in the next 6 months and we want to get married?  Actually, that'll never happen.
Emmett sings: Miracles happen once in a while.


Cami: I talk to too many people.
Liz: Why?
Cami: People start getting ideas that I'm friendly.


Liz heard me start brushing my teeth but didn't realize who it was.
Liz: Bethany, you already brushed your teeth tonight.
Cami: Despite what you may believe, I do brush my teeth sometimes.


Emmett buying a plane ticket to go to Ian's wedding: "I was like who needs money anyways and pressed confirm."


Cami: I'm single and ready to eat a Pringle.


Cami: On February 14th, while everybody is celebrating ucky yucky stuff, I'll be celebrating Arizona's birthday.
Liz: Can you say that again?
Cami: While everybody is celebrating ucky yucky stuff, I'll be celebrating Arizona's birthday.
Liz: And how old are we?


Cami: Someday I will have nothing, and it will be the best day of my life.


Cami: Sometimes my desire to make people feel uncomfortable exceeds my ability to be socially acceptable.


Emmett: I only buy syrup if it's in the shape of old ladies.


One of the roommates saw a mouse in the apartment:

Student E: What's your favorite color of the alphabet?

Student K: Seven!

Cherise: We're going to help you get better clothes.

Cami: Yeah, looking at the outfits I pick every week, I think in my subconscious I like looking homeless on weekends.

Zac: I like your skirt.

Cami: I don't.

Zac: It's cute.

Cami: I don't like things that are cute.

Zac: You better take care; someone might try to ask you out.

Cami: They already tried that.

Chuck: You didn't happen to see how many calories they had?

Cami: No, I don't count calories.

Chuck: Then what do you do?

Cami: I eat them.

When my visiting teachers were coming over:

In a game, Student A had one life left and was asking other students to give him life.

Cami: Just die.

Student E: You're a staff. You're not supposed to say things like that.

Cami: It's a game.

Student E: Life is a game.

Cami: Life is a game.

Student E: It's a dumb game.

Cami: It's a game where you can get too many babies and push them out of the car.

Student E: How did you ever get to be staff here?

Cami: I don't know.

Liz: What are you looking at?

Cami: Volcano surfing

Cami: Someday, some awesome man will sweep me off my feet, and I'll be like, "Don't touch me."

Conversation about me moving

Anna: I need six dogs and a sassy gay friend.

Cami: Is that what it takes to replace me?

Caitlin: That's a giant mum.

Cami (in a badly mimicked English accent): I don't have a mum.

Taio Cruz: I'm wearing all my favorite brands.

Cami: Do I even have favorite brands? . . . Of cereal, yes.

Kolby trying to make a joke: Why did the four beatles cross the road?

Cami: To make an album cover.

Cami: Do you need some watermelon earrings?

Cherise: No.  Do you need watermelon earrings?

Cami: No one needs watermelon earrings.

Cherise: A truer thing has never been said.

Cami: Boys with motorcycles are wasted on girls who are afraid.

Cami: It smells like sweet.

Emmett: Yeah, I like it.

Cami: It smells like I inhaled sugar into my lungs and it burned.

Carson: We have the strangest relationship.  I think you are so funny, but at the same time, I am terrified of you.

Zac: I've been trying to figure out what to get for my mom for Christmas. 

Cami: I just don't get my mom anything.

Zac: Freaking Cami

Cami: I can't resist the temptation any longer.

Livia: Before you know it, you'll be smoking.

(Conversation about my needing to use the restroom)

About Jimmy John's

Cherise: It sounds like a large, sweaty man.

Emmett: It sounds like someone pooped in their overalls.

Cami: Get up.  You can take a nap after the race.

Griffin: No, chicken nuggets are food.

Griffin making the cat have squinty eyes: Now it's an Asian cat.

Cami: It's a Siamese cat; it's already an Asian cat.

Conversation about dating people in the same ward as you.

Cami: People say that they don't want to pee in the pool.  I think I should pee in the pool a lot more.

Livia: Do it.  The pool needs your pee.

After having new blinds for a week

Elise: Who already broke the blinds?

Cami: Uhh, that was me.

Johanna: Why is there tape in our tree?

Cami: It's an ornament.

Johanna: Who put the cockroach on the door?

Silence

Johanna: It was you Cami, wasn't it?

Cami: Maybe

Cami: And she gave him a package of oreos.

Emmett: Which is good because my love language is oreos.

Cami: Sometimes I look at myself and say, "I look okay."

Livia: Sometimes our brains play tricks on us.

Cami: I just got called sir at the grocery store.  And today was a day I actually thought I looked like a girl.

For They Did Feed Me

Matt 25:35 "For I was an hungered, and ye gave me meat"

If the gift to be fed was a spiritual gift, it would definitely be mine.  I wanted to give thanks to all the people who have fed me over the last few years.  I have been blessed with many a roommate that loves cooking.  I have been a grateful beneficiary of this cooking.  Thank you to all my roommates that have been willing to feed me or take me to the homes of your families to have dinner.

I have had family members feed me.  My cousins and siblings that have lived near me have fed me often.  And I have had many large packages come my way from an aunt who is eager to feed anyone.  She loves food and loves to share food.  For this, I have been quite thankful.

I have had concerned Bishops and ward members that have been willing to feed me.  I think I have already shared this, but once upon a time a Bishop of mine would always ask a few boys in the ward and me to finish off food at ward events.  I was well-fed during those days.  I also sometimes go to ward events and am fed.

Lastly, I have been blessed with jobs that give me food.  I get to eat dinner with the kids that I work with.  I have had some good meals because of this.

Thank you everyone for feeding me during my dreary college years.  I much appreciate the good that you have done in my life.

Just Because I was Born Second

Pick one of the below.  Any will work.  They pretty much all say the same thing.

https://www.facebook.com/9NewsPerth/videos/1834161389929346/

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/science/science-news/5241774/Second-born-children-really-are-more-rebellious-study-confirms.html

https://www.simplemost.com/study-finds-second-born-children-likely-criminals/?partner=scripps&partner-sub=KNXV&utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=partner&utm_campaign=scripps&utm_content=KNXV

I'm gonna be a criminal.  Basically that is what all these articles say.  And you're probably thinking, "Cami, you already are a criminal.  You are a troublemaker and impish."  You're right; I am mischievous and cause many a problem.  I was once told that I caused half of the trouble in the house (and I was only 1/7th of the people living in that house).  But just because I'm bad, doesn't mean that I can't be useful.

How to Utilize the Second Child

1. If you want to put someone in a headlock, just choose the second child.  Chances are they deserve it anyway.

2.  If you want to shoot something, the second child has probably already made himself/herself an easy target.  They're just waiting for it.

3.  If you have a dumb idea but don't want to look like a fool, just tell the second child to do it.

4. Need to look cool?  Just take your awkward younger sister.  She don't got shades.  She don't have nice, wind-swept hair.  You lookin' fly.

5.  The second child is good for blaming terrible pictures on because she started that chain of terrible faces.  She probably taught the other kids just how to ruin pictures.  Also, I can't help laughing whenever I see this picture.  It's just so terrible.

6. The second child is also good at not matching.  Then your family pictures don't look too uniform.

7. Second siblings are also good to do 5Ks with because then you always have someone slower than you, and you don't look as in terrible shape because your face isn't as red as hers.

8.  Everyone needs that person that makes them look good in pictures.  The second child is great at helping people look more intelligent and put together.

9.  Also, if you need someone to push down a mountain, second children can be fairly resilient.  How do you think they get away with so much?  They just live for forever.  Also, another picture where the second child just looks a little more stupid.

10.  In the end, I think the first child actually likes the second child.  They get along okay.  The first may have better grades and a better job and better income, but the second provides a lot of comic relief.  When the first child needs someone to listen to her, the second child is usually there.

P.S. Both of my parents are the second child, so I think the whole lot of us were bound to be criminal.

Thanksgiving with the Bro

If anyone in this world has ever thought for a second that I am funny, they should definitely meet my youngest brother.  He is so weird.  I can't help but laugh whenever we are together.

First thing my brother does when I get home is ask for a haircut.  Since I got home so late on this trip, he was already in bed.  Nevertheless, he got out the box of haircutting supplies and had them sitting out for whenever he first saw me.  He refuses to let anyone but his sisters cut his hair.

Our Thanksgiving day started with a Turkey trot (a first for both of us).  I went into his room to wake him up. The conversation went a little something like this:

Cami--Get up.  You can take a nap after the race.

Griffin--No.  Chicken nuggets are food.

He wasn't asleep either; he fully intended to say those words.

Within the past month, my family has also gotten some cats.  My brother messes with those cats all the time.  While I was home, he was making the cat have squinty eyes.  Then he said, "Now it's an Asian cat."  I replied, "It's a Siamese cat; it was already an Asian cat."

Also, here's a great picture of my brother bonding with one of the cats.  Not very good resolution, but it shows the awesomeness of the bonding.

Does God Love Me?

Growing up Christian, I heard a lot about Jesus being crucified for the sins of the world.  When we would talk about it at church, I often heard people say that God must have been so sad and heartbroken to see His Son, Jesus Christ, assaulted and killed.  It always made me wonder, "Is God not sad or worried about the rest of us?"  I knew that God loved Jesus Christ--His Beloved Son.  But, did God love me?  I took it upon myself to find out.

At the age of 12 or 13, I started doing Personal Progress--this weird value program that helps teenage girls become stronger in the gospel.  (It wasn't my favorite thing to do.)  I started with the value of Individual Worth because I did not see my worth.  I didn't fully believe that God loved me, and I thought this would be one of the best ways to find out.  I completed a project on family history.  It taught me a few things.

Just ignore the little "Add Husband" rectangle.  I mean, if you have any suggestions, I'm open.

As I worked on family history, I realized that there are so many individuals on this earth.  And God counts all of them.  He cares that each person is accounted for.  He knows all of His children.  (Moses 1:35)  As I read Doctrine and Covenants 121:45 and John 13:34, I understood that as we serve God's children, we will feel His love for them.  Of course, there is also the scripture that everyone knows from sporting events: John 3:16, "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

Prayer
One of the greatest ways that I have come to know that God loves me is through prayer.  If you pray to God, He will let you know that He loves you.  Prayer is the way that we talk to God.  He will put feelings in your heart and thoughts in your head that will confirm His love for you.  Often my prayers take the form of a children's song--A Child's Prayer.  Below are the words that mean most to me.  I tried to create pictures to show the spacing of the words that give me the most meaning.  I truly feel God is there when I sing/say these words.

God is our loving Heavenly Father.  It's the thing that we must learn for anything in this life to mean anything.  Sadly, I sometimes forget this.  I find myself wondering if I mean anything to God.  Moses 1:39 says, "This is my work and my glory--to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man."  God's whole purpose is to help his humans.  You give purpose to the greatest Being.  You give purpose to God.  You are not nothing.  He loves you.  He loves me.  And though you may forget it and may fall short of expectations, you are still loved.

The answer is yes.  God loves me.

How to be Extremely Plain

1. Don't Improve Your Talents
On Sunday, while at work, one of the boys asked me what one fact was the most important for people to know.  I told him that I was mean.  Then he told me that it had to be positive.  He dived into an interrogation that left me remembering that I am just some boring, little life form that has somehow existed for the last 20-something years.  He asked me if I was athletic.  Nope, not that. He asked me if I was smart.  Not that either.  He asked me if I was musical.  Well, kind of, but if you think about the musical capacities of all the people in the world, I would be pretty low on the musical talent.

2. Don't Go Anywhere
Pretend you are going to go somewhere and then don't.  Want to know how many travel plans that I have made and never actually gone anywhere?  Lots.  All the time.  In fact, that's pretty much what I did all of yesterday and today.  Just stay stuck in a little, old college town that drives you crazy.  That's a real good way to stay plain.

Notice the gold stars.  I was gonna go on a trip, and it never happened.  (Actually, I have been to Vegas quite a bit.  Call me a sinner, but I love them card games.  The card games like "Uno" that I played with my cousins when they lived there.)


3. Just be Plain-looking
All my siblings tell me to wear makeup, so I can get married someday.  I gave up a long time ago.  I think I gave up before I ever started going on dates.  Apparently people have to be attractive to be married, so I gave up.  Now before you start telling me, "Cami, how can you think that?  You are attractive" or "Cami, you are so cute," just understand that I am more likely to agree with all the people saying, "With that attitude, you aren't going to get married."  Also, something you should know is that I don't think I am pretty, but I don't think I'm ugly either.  I am merely plain.  There is nothing about my appearance that says, "Woah."  I look like a human.  Wonderful.  I don't make any of the other girls envious, so they feel comfortable talking to me.  I don't make the boys nervous, so they feel comfortable talking to me.  So, really it is kind of nice to look plain.

4. Deny Anything You Do that Could Seem Interesting
It's actually quite easy.  Just say no whenever anyone asks you if you do anything?  Another phrase I use to answer questions is, "It doesn't matter." Now this could have a few different results.  People could become intrigued that you won't tell them anything and think you are cooler than you actually are.  People can also just realize that you have nothing of importance to share and move on.

So, I hope this was helpful.  More likely than not, it wasn't.  My instructions are vague and uninteresting, so good luck with trying to be plain.  Hope it works out for ya.

When the Answer is "Patience"

It's frustrating.  When the answer is "patience," it's frustrating.

Since April, I have been agonizing over my future.  I have been bogged down by trying to figure out what I am doing next and where I am going.  I can't tell you how many times I would write down the names of different states that I was willing to look for jobs in just to cross them all out because I didn't feel right about any of them.  There were a few that would make the cut every now and then; however, when it came down to actually deciding where to apply, it was nowhere.  I didn't want to apply.  One thing was for sure: I didn't want to be in Utah.  I wanted to move.  I wanted to maybe travel for a little while.  And I kind of did that.  I took a month off of work and visited family in a few states.

I applied to jobs in Washington, California, Oklahoma, Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, Utah, and Hawaii.  I interviewed with a few of them as well.  I always ended up ending my application process before being offered a job.  Somehow, I narrowed down my applications to two states: Utah and Arizona.  Why?  Beats me.  As you all know, I stayed in Utah.  Why?  I don't know.  I have asked God over and over and over and over again.  The answer: "Patience."

What do I need to learn here?  Patience
What lack I yet?  Patience
Why don't I have any courage?  Patience
Why am I not progressing the way I want to?  Patience
Why won't you tell me anything?!  Patience

I have accepted that answer and been okay for a while.  I haven't known how long I should wait because how long does one be patient?  One month, two months? A year?  And I never know when God's gonna say, "Okay Cami, I will give you something now.  I will let you have some of the answers you are wanting."  So, I would wait a little bit and ask again.

Patience.

Then another month would go by, so I would think, "Maybe I should ask again.  I don't know when exactly the answer will change."  And when the answer stayed the same, I got angry.  I got irritated.  And, I would stay irritated for the evening.  I would go to bed and in the morning be okay.  I would be okay with waiting.  I would be okay with trying to figure things out on my own for a few days.  And I did try to just make a decision and go with it.  One day I decided to move to Arizona.  The next I was going to stay in Utah.  The next Arizona.  Utah.  Arizona.  Arizona.  Arizona.  Utah (bleh).  Arizona (definitely).  Utah.  Arizona.  Utah.

I don't know how to make decisions.  And I told God that and asked for help.  The help he gave was, "Patience."  Do you know how frustrating it is to receive the same, not comforting answer for months and months?  Probably.  I know I'm not the only one.  But something has happened; I've been forced to know/decide who I am and what I want out of life.

I know that I am a child of God.  I know that I want to get married and be a mom.  That's truly what I want.  And it's stupid and cliche, but that's what I want.  And if I don't get that, at least I can be a recreation therapist.  And maybe go back to school.  Perhaps become a college professor.  (Or an absent-minded professor.)  I have a plan for my life that doesn't depend on me getting married.  I know what I want to do and where I want to go, but I am also willing to rely on the Lord and listen to His council.  Because He loves me.  Even when I doubt.  Even when I can't hear him or am told to be patient.

Like my grandma, my faith is not dependent on outcomes.  I can learn the dreaded lesson of patience.






P.S.  Here's a random note.

End of the Hugging Experiment
I didn't get nearly as many hugs as I thought I would.  Most likely, I just imagine that people want hugs more than they actually do because I am so adverse to giving them.  Or maybe people just like asking me for hugs when they know I don't want them because they think it is funny.  During the 15 days, the most I hugged any one person was thrice.  And I even had people tell me that they would not be giving me hugs.

I think my thoughts on hugs are mostly the same.  Hugging people didn't really give me any added joy.  I don't care for them much on a regular basis.  So, I think I will just go back to my regular hug-denying self.

The Hugging Experiment

Have you ever had a stranger chew you out for not accepting a hug?  And they tried to give you scientific proof of why you are wrong to not give another person a hug?  'Cause for me it has happened a few times.  Have you had people think that you have had trauma as a child when you don't want people to touch you?  Maybe you were neglected and that's why you don't like hugs?  That's also happened a few times.

I decided that I am going to do an experiment.  For the next 15 days, I will accept hugs from people.  The following are the rules for the experiment:

1. If a person asks for a hug, I will give them a hug
2. Limit one hug per person per day
3. I have to reciprocate (aka no limp fish like my normal)
4. Unless you are being a creep, in which case, I will determine if it is necessary to punch you in the gut
5. At the end of 15 days, I record my feelings about hugs and my experience

If at any point, I feel that the experiment requires more rules due to rule #4 or other such things, I will use my discretion to add to the rules.  Just so you know, I may cry inside a lot during the next 15 days.  I will never let you see though.  Do you trust me?

Unnecessary Backstory

If you want to hear my personal view of hugging, this is the spot of the blog to read.  I don't necessarily hate hugs.  Hugs, to me, have been an elevated form of consolation.  Hugs have been what are given when words just can't cut it anymore--when you need physical support in order to have emotional support.  It can be happy support or sad support.

It may surprise you that I sometimes want a hug.  I often don't ask because I feel that people will assume I will accept hugs all of the time.  I feel people will think this because I am not super open about my emotions, and people cannot often tell what I am feeling.  I usually want a hug when there are overwhelming emotions (that I probably am not showing on my face).

So, I am doing this experiment to see if it does affect my mood and to see if I maybe trust people more.  Doubtful.  Okay, maybe not the best attitude to have when starting an experiment.  I will try to be open-minded.  Also, I do have a feeling I might be uncomfortable in the next few days.

When You Feel Hopeless, Worthless, or Want Life to End

Dear [Insert Your Name],

Hi, my name is Cami.  If you are reading this, that means I care for you, at least a little bit.  You could be my best friend, my family member, or someone I have met a few times.  You could be a complete stranger--I care for you nonetheless.  I write this letter because the majority of the people I know have felt this way.  I have never had a friend or family member commit suicide; however, I have had many friends and family contemplate and attempt it.  I also have many family and friends who have felt hopeless.  This is a letter to anyone who has suicidal thoughts and/or general thoughts of hopelessness and worthlessness.

I want to let you know that you matter.  And you have impacted my life and the lives of others.  I want you to know that I believe in God.  If you don't believe in God, this isn't me trying to preach to you.  This isn't me saying that this letter isn't for you.  I may say some things in here God-related, but my personal message to you remains the same whether or not you are religious: you make a difference.

I want you to know what you have done for me.  Because of you, I have learned how to embrace my spontaneity and be carefree.  Because of you, I have learned that I am loved.  Because of you, I realized that my life is important.  Because of you, I have learned that weakness can be strength.  Because of you, I have learned that honesty can be healing, even when it is sometimes hard to hear.  I have found friends.  I have opened my heart.  I have felt love for others.  I have laughed so hard.  You really are super funny.  Because of you, I have understood that there is more to life than school and work.  Because of you, I have spared my own life.  You are the one that made my life worth living.  And you were the one that helped me feel hope.  You made me glad to see another day.  Thank you.

There will be people in your life that will make you feel unwanted.  Sometimes those people can be the ones we love the most.  And it hurts so much.  That can change.  They can change.  What you face right now won't be forever.  Giving up now could take away years and years of wonderful things.  I know that because I have lived that.  For all the times I wanted to give up, there were several better things that came my way.  I wouldn't have known if I had actually given up.

God loves you.  And He loves you infinitely more than you can imagine.  He knows infinitely more of your worth than you know.  He knows that you can be something special.  And He has the power to help you become that.

I don't know if any of this will make anyone feel any better.  Although I wrote this with many people in mind, I also wrote this letter for myself.  There are lots of days when I have to remind myself to keep going.  That I am not worthless.  I have to remind myself that I am not actually ruining everyone's lives or making everyone's lives more difficult (though it may be a few).  It's still going to be hard sometimes or a lot of times.  In the end, you really do matter.  You have something to offer this world.

And you have made my life better.

You have made me better.

Sincerely,
And with a bit of love,
Cami

P.S. If ever you need someone to talk to, I am here.  I love when people invite me to talk with them.  And more likely than not, it will help me to not feel hopeless and worthless as well.

How to Be the Ward Joke: A Tale of Strange Popularity

I was talking to my sister about my experiences within the last year in my ward.  It was as I was relating my mildly funny tales that she turned to me and said, "Cami, you're the ward joke."  I realized that she was correct.  So, without further ado, here is the story of how I became the ward joke.

Becoming the Ward Joke

I moved into the ward last August.  I was working every Sunday on an alternating morning/evening shift schedule.  Therefore, I was a term used in the church known as "less active."  This itself became a joke.  I don't know why; it just did.  The people that I would do stuff with would joke about me being less active.  I think it had to do with the fact that I went to church when I could and actively brought up gospel topics.  It probably didn't help that I joked right along with them.  I had friends who would always joke that they invited me to game nights so I would be active again.

Come January, things really got weird.  My friends said that they were going to find someone for me to start dating.  This is the phrase used a lot by all the creepers who go to church: "Flirt to convert."  (My friends are creepers.)  I went on a few dates with some boys in the ward.  Surprise!--I've been on dates.  This is where a little fact about my ward comes in handy: everyone knows everything about everyone else.  Except me.  I tend to be a little behind and find out what happened about three months later.  But that's another story.  Just joking, it's not, I just don't talk to people.  Everyone knows everything about me though.  That's when my friends said that I really was converting from flirting.  (I actually just was able to go to church more because I changed jobs.)  So, I stopped going to church.

Actually, I didn't stop going to church.  I just took a much needed break from dating.  I don't know how some of those weird Mormon kids go on a date each week.  Dating stresses me out.  It's scary.  Anyway, I thus started my reputation as a heart breaker.  I don't think I actually broke anyone's heart, but it's now one of the jokes about me that some of my ward friends have.  So, I am now the less active that breaks hearts but needs someone to "flirt to convert" me.  I am a joke.  But, that's not it.  The next one is the true joke.  It's also the best.

In June, my ward had a kickball tournament.  I asked a group of people to be on my team.  I hadn't set a team name, so I just signed myself up as Cami's team.  Unbeknownst to me, the other people in my group signed up with Cami's team and Team Cami.  Therefore, my team was just Team Cami.  My team members said that we needed shirts and catch phrases.  They started calling me Coach Cam.

Missing 5/8 of the team, but we got some representation

We ended up winning the tournament because of my excellent coaching skills.  Actually, we were the only team that showed up to the finals.  We only played one game that month, and we lost it.  Good times.  At least you could say my team was dedicated.  They came to all the games and all the practices.

The next month, my ward started a tennis tournament--doubles. So, we had team names again.  Some of my kickball teammates named their teams after me.  There was a Team Cami and The OG Team Cami.  I was on neither of these teams.  My teammate and I named our team after my teammate.  I got texts to come play tennis when people didn't look at the players on the team.  They just saw my name and thought I was on the team.  This is what my sister meant about me being the ward joke.

Perpetuating the Ward Joke

Once upon a time, there was this really indecisive girl who made bad decisions.  She decided to move back to Arizona after finishing her undergraduate degree.  She told everyone she was moving.  She thought that if she told everyone and made plans to do so and applied to a bunch of jobs, it would happen.  So, she left.  After many weeks of thinking and debating with herself, she decided while she was gone that she was maybe better off in Utah.  At least for a little while.  So, some weird stuff happened, blah blah, something else happened.  Anyway, when she got back, the first person to see her moving in was her nemesis.  And he had to make it known to the entire ward that she was back.  The girl did grieve.

As of now, that girl still hasn't been to that ward for a month.  Is she really still in that ward?  Stay tuned to find out.

The World's Okayest Dad

I want to tell you about a man who I have thought about quite a bit in the last few weeks.  Maybe this will make up for the fact that I only called him for a few minutes on Fathers' Day and that was it.  I want to tell you about a man who has taught me a few things.  I'm not saying he is the best dad in the world.  In fact this is the mug he has gotten for a few Fathers' Days.

There were a few years that I felt that he wasn't around much: my junior and senior year of high school to be exact.  But, I don't really think you can blame him.  He isn't a bad dad.  I want to tell you about the things that I have learned from this man.

This man calls himself the Dominator.  I gave a little shout out to him in my post about winning a national championship.  I've adopted this need to dominate.  No one actually calls him the Dominator, though he writes it on his cup every time we go to my grandparents' home.  He likes to talk smack during all the games we play.  (Another attribute that I have adopted.)  Yet with all this smack, he can still get people to play games with him.  He knows how to turn everything into a tournament.  Speaking of which, I won the two March Madness bracket competitions that I entered this year.  Domination!

This man loves Christmas.  Let me repeat, loves Christmas.  Loves it.

Every June 25, he has a halfway to Christmas celebration.  He sometimes puts up a tree and puts a gift under for each person in the family.  Often he has a party and desserts.  Which reminds me, that he also likes to have parties.  With close family and friends.  I've learned that there is never a such thing as listening to Christmas music too early.  In fact, it is perfect for lightening the mood and for when one is stressed.  I have adopted this practice as well.

This man has also taught me about enduring to the end.  Once upon a time, this man had a wife.  And then she died.  He didn't give up.  He tried to be a dad that was around more.  Yeah, there were a few rough years that didn't go the way that everyone thought they should.  Yeah, he made mistakes, but everyone does.  Yeah, my dad and I had a terrible relationship.  But we don't anymore.

This man was trying to raise five really weird kids.  We were all going through hard things.  I don't think any of us were seeing eye-to-eye with any of the rest of us.  We all were dealing with things in the best way we know how.

This man taught me that God is the number ONE in our lives.  We can't make it without Him.  He is the bearer of peace.  To quote O Holy Night, "And in His name, all oppression shall cease."  I think my dad understood this a long, long time ago (he's old (kind of (actually, he's probably younger than your dad))).  I am thankful that my dad understands that the world isn't going to get better by rejecting God.  I am thankful that I know that God is the source of peace.

This man taught me that the temple is the House of God.  And by following God, we can enter in this beautiful building and make our families last forever.  He has taught me about the power of God.

So, even though my dad and I are still building a better relationship, I have learned a lot.  And you can probably guess that I am a lot like my dad.  'Cause yes, I think I am a lot like my dad.  The good and the bad.  But hey, we've got God with us.  And that is what will make us awesome.

The Worst Adventure Ever

Four years ago, I was in North Carolina.  I was starting my mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  If you are Mormon, you have probably heard the saying, "The best two years."  This refers to a person's mission being the best years of their life.  My mission was anything but my best years.  As I see Facebook posts about people remembering how awesome their missions were, I find myself trying to forget things that happened on my mission.  I tell myself to let it go.  I tell myself to forget my mission and move on with my life; it's holding me back.  I guess this post is a way I am trying to do that.  I need to let the memories stop haunting me and enabling me to feel pity for my past.  Bad things happen to everyone, why should I let mine keep me from being happy?  Why should I feel bad?  I am not an exception.  People move on, so should I.

Before moving on, if you are contemplating serving a mission, I just want to remind you of one thing:  you will be a representative of Christ.  This means that you will be "despised and rejected of men" and "acquainted with grief" (Isaiah 53:3).  Are you ready to be hated?  Because I can promise you that you will be hated.  You will be told to go to Hell.  People will slam doors in your face.  But, I also want to remind you that as a representative of Jesus Christ, you are also charged with the care of a companion.  This, my friends, is what I want to share with you.

Again before moving on, I want to apologize to all of my companions.  I know that I can be difficult to live with.  I don't love people in the same ways that others love.  I don't give hugs and say, "I love you."  I tried to be better.  I know that some of you did not feel love in the way that you would have wanted.  I am sorry for that.  I do my best to love everyone and treat them as human beings.  I apologize if I failed.  I want you to know that I did not hate you.  Okay, now we can move on.

If you don't know already, as a child, I had a lot of suicidal thoughts.  The thing that kept me from killing myself was a fear of Hell--and then later, knowing that Heavenly Father loves me and has a purpose for me.  These thoughts were common in junior high and slowly faded away throughout high school.  I was greatly blessed with these thoughts being taken away.  Not everyone will have that.  Some people have these thoughts persist their entire lives.  Somehow I was lucky.  Anyway, by the time I got my mission call, I wasn't having suicidal thoughts anymore.

My sister served a mission at the same time as me.  She had started her mission 6 weeks before me, and ended 6 weeks before me.  When I saw her for the first time after my mission, we embraced and I said to her, "I hope your mission was better than mine."

During the last two weeks of my mission, I prayed every night that the Lord wouldn't let me wake up.  I prayed that it would be my last day.  This is how I had come to deal with my suicidal thoughts.  I thought that instead of acting on these thoughts, I should put it in the hands of the Lord.  I knew that if He kept me alive, there was still more that I needed to accomplish in life.  If he let me die, I would finally be taken from my miseries.  Here is why I had suicidal thoughts on my mission.

I felt that my companions hated me.  I felt this way because I was told that I was unlovable.  I was told I was like a ball and chain, "I hate you," and that it was my fault that things went wrong.  I was reminded that it was my lack of faith keeping us from finding people to teach.  (Which also made me question my faith.)  I was accused of being "trunky" (a word which here means mentally AWOL while being physically present) because I mentioned death near the end of my mission.  In reality, I had had three family members die while I was on my mission.  So death was just something that I thought about.  Often.  It still is.

The doubt and awful feelings for myself increased throughout my mission.  I questioned my faith.  I questioned whether or not I was actually a good person.  I began to wonder how I was such a terrible person that all of my companions hated me.  I tried to serve my companions to let them know that I was trying to not be awful.  I tried to get out of their way when I knew that they hated the way I did things.  I just didn't understand.  I didn't know how when I tried so hard, I still ended up hated.  I still couldn't do things right.  The harder I tried the worse I was.  I was nothing.

Serving a mission is hard.  You have to constantly think of others and serve them.  You have to be willing to be hated.  During those 18 months, I told myself over and over, "I am not serving my mission for my companions, I am serving it for the Lord."  The Lord is the one who trusted me.  I forgot to see that.  I learned a lot about Jesus Christ.  I learned to love people.  My mission taught me that Jesus Christ is there in every small thing.  He wants His children to know Him.  My relationship with Him increased.  Even though I failed at trying to be kind to companions and loving them in the way they feel love, Jesus Christ loved me and them.

My mission is something I try to forget, but I try to remember my relationship with Christ.  When I forgot about myself and remembered what I was doing, I was truly happy.  Serving God's children is one of the best callings ever.  He knows what He is doing, even when we don't.  I would totally recommend serving a mission if you want to know God.  Just know that serving a mission comes with a price.  Are you willing to pay that price?  I'll let you know that the price is much less than the worth.  God loves you.  He knows you.  Even when you feel worthless and that you can't get better, He loves you.  He will help you be truly happy.  His happiness is like no other happiness on earth.

Go with God

Post-graduation Rant

Basically, I am having a midlife crisis.  Yeah, I know I'm only 20-something, but around these parts, that's a good middle age.  I want to just travel.  I want to go back to school.  I don't want to go to school.  I want to get a job.  But, I don't really want to get a job.  I want to move, but I feel like I shouldn't.  I just graduated, and everyone asks me if it feels good.  Sure, I guess.  I don't think I am any closer to my potential than I was before.  I don't know what I am doing.  I looked at buying a truck a few days ago.  The gas mileage is awful, so I didn't buy one.  And, I don't know anything about anything.  And it would cost a fortune, and I don't have money.  Well, actually, I do.  I have a few monies.  I don't have anything funny to say.  I'm just not funny anymore.  I'm super indecisive.  For example, here were some things I was going to publish as my blog post.

On a more positive note, I actually took a shower this week.

Eternal Families Awareness Month

May is here again.  And you know what that means: Eternal Families Awareness Month.  Okay, maybe you didn't know that that is what May meant.  And, I didn't really think about it until on the 1st of May when my brother sent a text to the family saying, "Happy eternal families awareness month!"

Sometimes I pretend like this month doesn't really affect me.  I actually wanted to start this blog post by saying, "Why I don't have feelings."  But, as I thought about it, I guess I do have feelings.  But, I don't think the feelings are quite what people would expect.  I don't really know how to miss my mom anymore.  In fact, I don't even remember much about her.  She's been gone for so long, I don't really remember what it is like to have a mom.  So, the sad feelings aren't really there.  Which probably sounds really awful, but death just doesn't phase me anymore.  Death has become hope.

Death is hope.  That probably sounds really awful and slightly suicidal.  Let me tell you why death is hope.  First, here is a video.  Want to know how many times I have watched this?  I don't even know; it's too many times to keep track of.

Because of Jesus Christ, I will see my mom again.  I will see my grandma again.  I will see my aunt again.  I will see my great grandparents again (yeah, all except one was alive when I was born, so I got to know some of my great grandparents).  I'll get to see my friends again.  My family members will get to see their friends again.  Basically, death is the most awesome family reunion you could ever imagine.  Just joking, you can't even imagine it.  Unless you are a lot more righteous than me (which isn't hard to do.)

I also believe that through Jesus Christ, we have power on this earth to keep our families forever.  It is through the temple that we receive this promise and are able to use this power.  My family has done so, so I know that I will be part of my family still forever.

Death is hope.  This doesn't mean I actively try to die, but when the time comes, I will openly embrace it and thank Heavenly Father for my time on earth.  I will say thank you that I will be able to see my family again.  I will say thank you for taking care of me and taking care of my family.  God loves you.  Don't you forget it.  He knows what He is doing even when we have a hard time believing so.  He wants us to feel His love.  He loves you.

P.S. I promised myself I wouldn't draw attention to struggles May brings in my life, but I think this message is good.  I want to share the hope that I find in May.

Leaving BYU

What?!  Why are you leaving BYU?

'Cause I'm graduating!  Even so, I am glad that I am done with BYU.  I am glad to leave.  And for this gladness, I have a not so great reason and a kind of awesome reason.  I'll start with the not so great, so you can skip it if you want.


NOT SO GREAT
I have a problem with BYU/Provo Culture.  It goes a little something like this: You better date and get married or you're dumb. People expect to find their "soul mates" at BYU.  And they expect it of everyone else at BYU.  If you didn't come to BYU to find a spouse, then why are you here?  Every conversation includes marriage as a topic--it's inevitable.

I once was in a group of about eight girls.  All were married, engaged, or about to be engaged except for me.  One girl decided that each girl should tell her love story to the group.  I was hoping that my invisibility skills would kick in, but nonetheless I was seen and asked to inform the group of my beautiful tale of romance.  I simply stated, "I'm single."  And the group just stared at me as if I was broken.  Their sad faces were just that--sad.  I had broken their fragile hearts with my sad tale of woe.  I had added a drop of depression to their pleasant, pretend perfect day.  I ruined it.  I ruined their happiness.  And I think they thought I had also ruined mine.

This is why I hate BYU culture.  Just because I am single doesn't mean that I am unhappy or worth any less.  Just because I didn't get married while at BYU doesn't mean that I didn't fulfill my purpose there.  My life is more than just finding a man.  Yes, it is pleasing to God when people get married.  Yes, I am pretty sure God wants all of His children to have lasting and loving marriages, but I can still improve my life while I am unmarried.  I can still become a better person.  And when I do finally meet that person and decide that I'm okay with dating, I will be better prepared.  Yeah, I'll still be imperfect and make tons of mistakes, but I will have learned a lot of things.  And guess what!  I am pretty sure that I have learned and experienced more than a handful of married BYU students.  I have changed lives, including my own, in ways that some of them have not.  So, why should I be sad about that?

To the people who have bet against my ability to make it through BYU without getting married: taste the awful bitterness of defeat.  Yeah, it may be a little harsh, but this is my life, not yours.  And I'm still imperfect and have much work to do in the kindness area.

KIND OF AWESOME

In the last three years, I have come to understand the meaning of "Enter to Learn--Go Forth to Serve."  We aren't meant to stay in school forever. We aren't meant to get an education just to soak it all in and never use it.

Because of my major, I have been shown a path that lots of people don't even know about.  I have been given opportunity to explore the world of Residential Treatment Centers (RTC).  As a staff in a few RTCs, I have been counted as a guardian for more than 50 kids.  Their safety has been in my hands, and it has been my responsibility to teach them and love them.  I have used the knowledge of mental illness and human development to fulfill these responsibilities.

Because I have come to BYU, I have seen the light in roommates' eyes grow.  I have been there to share my thoughts and my testimony.  I have used my knowledge of the gospel to give aid to roommates who were seeking help.

And now I am ready to go.  I am ready to keep serving and finding people wherever I may go that need some of the learning that I have gained from BYU.  That's really the purpose of higher education: serving in higher capacities.  Because I know more, I can help more.  I'm done with BYU and being in this bubble.  It's kind of like this meme I saw a few years ago.

I'm ready to spread out and stop stinking.

JUST SOMETHING INTERESTING
If you want to see how college went for me, here are some pictures.

First Semester:

Next to Last Semester:

At some point, my homework started being more reading and trying to comprehend it than solving equations, so my grades dropped dramatically.  Maybe I should have stuck with Chemistry or Math.

The Less Active in Ward Council

I'm gonna do it.  I going to single someone out.  Here it goes: WHY is that less active member in ward council?  Why?  Don't you think it is a little awkward that they're here when we should be talking about how to help them?

Actually, just kidding.  Maybe ward council is exactly where they need to be.  Except in this case, that less active is me.  I was the less active member in the ward council.  Some of you may be questioning how valid that statement is.  Well, once upon a time, I had a job that required me to work every Sunday.  The shifts were meant to change every Sunday between morning and evening shift.  Somehow I also got the church time of 1:00pm, which was right during the shift change.  So, the most church I would get each month was two Sacrament meetings.  Sometimes I even left before Sacrament meeting was over.

In the middle of me working on Sundays, I got a calling in which I was to go to Ward Council.  First, is it a thing outside of Utah YSA wards to have the music chair in Ward Council?  I had never heard of that.  I often struggle to know what to say in Ward Council because I have stewardship over those little pieces of paper that are put in the plaque every Sunday.  I'm no Relief Society President.  Don't get me wrong, I love being the Music Chair.  I get to pick songs that people sing rarely.  I get to ask people to play instruments and sing for musical numbers.  I love my calling.  I just find it hard to talk in Ward Council.

So, if I wasn't already feeling useless for being the person without anything to say in Ward Council, I often feel like I fall into the categories of people we need to love and cherish more, to reach out to.  For example, people who don't have friends, people who sit in the back row of church, people who leave right after Sacrament meeting, people who don't attend any ward functions, etc.  I fall into all of these categories.  My ward members would probably say, "Cami, you have friends."  But let me tell you about when I was first in ward council.

I was new to the ward, so I knew no one.  I happened to never make it to ward functions because I was working.  I knew my roommate: just the one that was in the same room as me.  I went to ward council and we would be asked who we knew.  I could list myself.  And my roommate.  That was it.  So, I sat in the second to back row in the chapel at church.  (I'm really bad at initiating conversation with anyone that I don't know and often with the people that I do know.)  There were times where I would go to one hour of church in two months.  I sometimes missed Ward Council.  I knew one person.  Can you guess who it was?  My roommate.  Maybe she should have been in Ward Council.

So, what's the point about me writing about being less active in the Ward Council?  I don't know.  I think I just wanted to share how awkward I feel.  I could tell you about the times where I planned on running away and no one would even know.  I could tell you about the times I didn't go to church last month and people didn't even think anything of it (even though I don't work on Sundays anymore, but who's really supposed to keep track of my schedule?).  I could tell you about how I still don't know what I'm doing in Ward Council.  I could tell you about how people think I know things, but I really don't.

Anyway, the Lord knows more than I do.  For some reason, He calls us to do things that we are not at all prepared for.  Life's an adventure.  Keep exploring.  Don't quote anything I say; it is wise not to.  Believe I'm a heretic if you want to because it's not like it would change my reputation much.  Have a great day.

Bigfoot's Sister

Want to know something about me?  I am totally that annoying roommate who sits on the couch doing who knows what when my roommate and her boyfriend probably need some privacy.  Want to read about other ways in which I am a creep?  Try this "poem."

In other news, I really love this pair of shoes that I have.  In case I forget what size my feet are, each shoe has it written three times.

The Guilt of Not Dating: A Passive Aggressive (Slightly More Aggressive) Note to my Fans (Just Me)

For someone who hates dating so much, I talk an awful lot about dating.  Sorry, I'll try to stop.

My Invisible Man and Me

As a single adult in a church that has a high emphasis on marriage and family, sometimes one can feel a little overwhelmed, out-of-place, and as if he/she is letting down God.  Now, let's get this straight, I am merely 23, so I really shouldn't complain.  I haven't had a lot of experience to make me feel down.  I should remember that I am still young.  Guess what! I do feel young, and sometimes that's the thing that keeps me from dating.  I forget that I am old enough to get married.  Weird.  Below are some of the things that I have heard (whether or not they were the real words of the people talking to me).

"What was wrong with the boy?"  Nothing.  "Then you should have kept dating him.  He liked you." Okay, I get it; I messed up.  For the most part, I just felt like our personalities didn't match up or that the boy moved super fast or I panicked and shut down, and then I said no.  All of the guys that have asked me on dates are super nice guys.  They are great.  But, I just didn't feel like we fit.  Or I panicked.

"You could be married and have three children by now."  No, I could be married and unhappy.  And maybe one child (that I give more attention to than my husband).  I don't want to get married just to get married.  I want to get married to be with someone that I can be with forever and care about always.  I want to get married in order to raise kids in a household where the parents love each other and love their children.  How would I be able to teach my kids to love others if I really wasn't in love with their father?  I want a friend, a best friend.  I want someone to do activities with (bike riding, hiking, raising kids, laughing, etc.).

"Don't you know getting married is essential to your salvation?"  Yes.  "Then why aren't you trying to do so?"  Because I don't have courage.  And yes, I feel guilty for letting this hold me back.  I often feel that I am not doing my part and am letting God down.  I know that I need to get married and raise kids well.  I know without a doubt that I need to be a mom.  I know that I can accomplish a lot as a wife.  I know that you know that I'm missing out.

Also, because people push the idea of marriage onto me so much, I push back and say that I don't want to get married.  But, deep down--deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep down--I do want to get married.  I also have quite a few reasons that I shouldn't get married, some of the being the following:
1. I've already failed at being a mother figure.
2. I am so selfish.
3. I am immature.  Think 3-year-old inside an adult body.
4. I don't trust people.
5. I don't know how to be a good friend.
6. I say a lot of bad things.  And, I'm mean.
7. I punch people.  I'm surprised no one has really fought back yet.
8. I don't say, "I love you."
9. Okay, I should probably stop with the negativity.

Basically, everyone has their own timetable.  Yes, I feel guilty a lot for not being married or dating.  I ask God often if I am even doing what He wants me to do.  He says, "Patience."  So, then I wait and try to do what's right.  What's that scripture about being anxiously engaged in a good cause?  Yeah, I just try to do that and follow the commandments.  It helps me stay happy.

So basically, Cami, get off my case.  I'm trying to be a good person, and that's an imperative start for me.  Stop letting guilt rule your life.  Let it go.  Just let it [insert expletive] go.

Also, if this doesn't detract people from dating me, I need to up my game.  The game is called "How awful can I make myself sound?"  Did it work?  Can you resist me now?

And if you are thinking of commenting about how someday some man will sweep me off my feet and there won't be anything I can do beside fall in love with him and marry him, I've already heard that at least once a week for the last four years.  Maybe a little more.  Sure, maybe someday I will fall in love.  But let me do it on my own time.  And let me believe it on my own.  Stop trying to make me think things.

I'm over it.  I don't want to get married, but I do at the same time.  That's pretty much this entire post in one sentence.  I'm just going to go back to my awkward life now.  Have a wonderful week.  Hopefully you can get over this too.  Just let it go.  Forget about it.  It was just a waste of your seven minutes.  These are not the droids you are looking for.  Go back to your daily routine.