Before moving on, if you are contemplating serving a mission, I just want to remind you of one thing: you will be a representative of Christ. This means that you will be "despised and rejected of men" and "acquainted with grief" (Isaiah 53:3). Are you ready to be hated? Because I can promise you that you will be hated. You will be told to go to Hell. People will slam doors in your face. But, I also want to remind you that as a representative of Jesus Christ, you are also charged with the care of a companion. This, my friends, is what I want to share with you.
Again before moving on, I want to apologize to all of my companions. I know that I can be difficult to live with. I don't love people in the same ways that others love. I don't give hugs and say, "I love you." I tried to be better. I know that some of you did not feel love in the way that you would have wanted. I am sorry for that. I do my best to love everyone and treat them as human beings. I apologize if I failed. I want you to know that I did not hate you. Okay, now we can move on.
If you don't know already, as a child, I had a lot of suicidal thoughts. The thing that kept me from killing myself was a fear of Hell--and then later, knowing that Heavenly Father loves me and has a purpose for me. These thoughts were common in junior high and slowly faded away throughout high school. I was greatly blessed with these thoughts being taken away. Not everyone will have that. Some people have these thoughts persist their entire lives. Somehow I was lucky. Anyway, by the time I got my mission call, I wasn't having suicidal thoughts anymore.
My sister served a mission at the same time as me. She had started her mission 6 weeks before me, and ended 6 weeks before me. When I saw her for the first time after my mission, we embraced and I said to her, "I hope your mission was better than mine."
During the last two weeks of my mission, I prayed every night that the Lord wouldn't let me wake up. I prayed that it would be my last day. This is how I had come to deal with my suicidal thoughts. I thought that instead of acting on these thoughts, I should put it in the hands of the Lord. I knew that if He kept me alive, there was still more that I needed to accomplish in life. If he let me die, I would finally be taken from my miseries. Here is why I had suicidal thoughts on my mission.
I felt that my companions hated me. I felt this way because I was told that I was unlovable. I was told I was like a ball and chain, "I hate you," and that it was my fault that things went wrong. I was reminded that it was my lack of faith keeping us from finding people to teach. (Which also made me question my faith.) I was accused of being "trunky" (a word which here means mentally AWOL while being physically present) because I mentioned death near the end of my mission. In reality, I had had three family members die while I was on my mission. So death was just something that I thought about. Often. It still is.
The doubt and awful feelings for myself increased throughout my mission. I questioned my faith. I questioned whether or not I was actually a good person. I began to wonder how I was such a terrible person that all of my companions hated me. I tried to serve my companions to let them know that I was trying to not be awful. I tried to get out of their way when I knew that they hated the way I did things. I just didn't understand. I didn't know how when I tried so hard, I still ended up hated. I still couldn't do things right. The harder I tried the worse I was. I was nothing.
Serving a mission is hard. You have to constantly think of others and serve them. You have to be willing to be hated. During those 18 months, I told myself over and over, "I am not serving my mission for my companions, I am serving it for the Lord." The Lord is the one who trusted me. I forgot to see that. I learned a lot about Jesus Christ. I learned to love people. My mission taught me that Jesus Christ is there in every small thing. He wants His children to know Him. My relationship with Him increased. Even though I failed at trying to be kind to companions and loving them in the way they feel love, Jesus Christ loved me and them.
My mission is something I try to forget, but I try to remember my relationship with Christ. When I forgot about myself and remembered what I was doing, I was truly happy. Serving God's children is one of the best callings ever. He knows what He is doing, even when we don't. I would totally recommend serving a mission if you want to know God. Just know that serving a mission comes with a price. Are you willing to pay that price? I'll let you know that the price is much less than the worth. God loves you. He knows you. Even when you feel worthless and that you can't get better, He loves you. He will help you be truly happy. His happiness is like no other happiness on earth.
Go with God
You are so inspiring. Thank you for sharing this testimony!
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