When the Answer is "Patience"

It's frustrating.  When the answer is "patience," it's frustrating.

Since April, I have been agonizing over my future.  I have been bogged down by trying to figure out what I am doing next and where I am going.  I can't tell you how many times I would write down the names of different states that I was willing to look for jobs in just to cross them all out because I didn't feel right about any of them.  There were a few that would make the cut every now and then; however, when it came down to actually deciding where to apply, it was nowhere.  I didn't want to apply.  One thing was for sure: I didn't want to be in Utah.  I wanted to move.  I wanted to maybe travel for a little while.  And I kind of did that.  I took a month off of work and visited family in a few states.

I applied to jobs in Washington, California, Oklahoma, Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, Utah, and Hawaii.  I interviewed with a few of them as well.  I always ended up ending my application process before being offered a job.  Somehow, I narrowed down my applications to two states: Utah and Arizona.  Why?  Beats me.  As you all know, I stayed in Utah.  Why?  I don't know.  I have asked God over and over and over and over again.  The answer: "Patience."

What do I need to learn here?  Patience
What lack I yet?  Patience
Why don't I have any courage?  Patience
Why am I not progressing the way I want to?  Patience
Why won't you tell me anything?!  Patience

I have accepted that answer and been okay for a while.  I haven't known how long I should wait because how long does one be patient?  One month, two months? A year?  And I never know when God's gonna say, "Okay Cami, I will give you something now.  I will let you have some of the answers you are wanting."  So, I would wait a little bit and ask again.

Patience.

Then another month would go by, so I would think, "Maybe I should ask again.  I don't know when exactly the answer will change."  And when the answer stayed the same, I got angry.  I got irritated.  And, I would stay irritated for the evening.  I would go to bed and in the morning be okay.  I would be okay with waiting.  I would be okay with trying to figure things out on my own for a few days.  And I did try to just make a decision and go with it.  One day I decided to move to Arizona.  The next I was going to stay in Utah.  The next Arizona.  Utah.  Arizona.  Arizona.  Arizona.  Utah (bleh).  Arizona (definitely).  Utah.  Arizona.  Utah.

I don't know how to make decisions.  And I told God that and asked for help.  The help he gave was, "Patience."  Do you know how frustrating it is to receive the same, not comforting answer for months and months?  Probably.  I know I'm not the only one.  But something has happened; I've been forced to know/decide who I am and what I want out of life.

I know that I am a child of God.  I know that I want to get married and be a mom.  That's truly what I want.  And it's stupid and cliche, but that's what I want.  And if I don't get that, at least I can be a recreation therapist.  And maybe go back to school.  Perhaps become a college professor.  (Or an absent-minded professor.)  I have a plan for my life that doesn't depend on me getting married.  I know what I want to do and where I want to go, but I am also willing to rely on the Lord and listen to His council.  Because He loves me.  Even when I doubt.  Even when I can't hear him or am told to be patient.

Like my grandma, my faith is not dependent on outcomes.  I can learn the dreaded lesson of patience.






P.S.  Here's a random note.

End of the Hugging Experiment
I didn't get nearly as many hugs as I thought I would.  Most likely, I just imagine that people want hugs more than they actually do because I am so adverse to giving them.  Or maybe people just like asking me for hugs when they know I don't want them because they think it is funny.  During the 15 days, the most I hugged any one person was thrice.  And I even had people tell me that they would not be giving me hugs.

I think my thoughts on hugs are mostly the same.  Hugging people didn't really give me any added joy.  I don't care for them much on a regular basis.  So, I think I will just go back to my regular hug-denying self.