When You Feel Hopeless, Worthless, or Want Life to End

Dear [Insert Your Name],

Hi, my name is Cami.  If you are reading this, that means I care for you, at least a little bit.  You could be my best friend, my family member, or someone I have met a few times.  You could be a complete stranger--I care for you nonetheless.  I write this letter because the majority of the people I know have felt this way.  I have never had a friend or family member commit suicide; however, I have had many friends and family contemplate and attempt it.  I also have many family and friends who have felt hopeless.  This is a letter to anyone who has suicidal thoughts and/or general thoughts of hopelessness and worthlessness.

I want to let you know that you matter.  And you have impacted my life and the lives of others.  I want you to know that I believe in God.  If you don't believe in God, this isn't me trying to preach to you.  This isn't me saying that this letter isn't for you.  I may say some things in here God-related, but my personal message to you remains the same whether or not you are religious: you make a difference.

I want you to know what you have done for me.  Because of you, I have learned how to embrace my spontaneity and be carefree.  Because of you, I have learned that I am loved.  Because of you, I realized that my life is important.  Because of you, I have learned that weakness can be strength.  Because of you, I have learned that honesty can be healing, even when it is sometimes hard to hear.  I have found friends.  I have opened my heart.  I have felt love for others.  I have laughed so hard.  You really are super funny.  Because of you, I have understood that there is more to life than school and work.  Because of you, I have spared my own life.  You are the one that made my life worth living.  And you were the one that helped me feel hope.  You made me glad to see another day.  Thank you.

There will be people in your life that will make you feel unwanted.  Sometimes those people can be the ones we love the most.  And it hurts so much.  That can change.  They can change.  What you face right now won't be forever.  Giving up now could take away years and years of wonderful things.  I know that because I have lived that.  For all the times I wanted to give up, there were several better things that came my way.  I wouldn't have known if I had actually given up.

God loves you.  And He loves you infinitely more than you can imagine.  He knows infinitely more of your worth than you know.  He knows that you can be something special.  And He has the power to help you become that.

I don't know if any of this will make anyone feel any better.  Although I wrote this with many people in mind, I also wrote this letter for myself.  There are lots of days when I have to remind myself to keep going.  That I am not worthless.  I have to remind myself that I am not actually ruining everyone's lives or making everyone's lives more difficult (though it may be a few).  It's still going to be hard sometimes or a lot of times.  In the end, you really do matter.  You have something to offer this world.

And you have made my life better.

You have made me better.

Sincerely,
And with a bit of love,
Cami

P.S. If ever you need someone to talk to, I am here.  I love when people invite me to talk with them.  And more likely than not, it will help me to not feel hopeless and worthless as well.

How to Be the Ward Joke: A Tale of Strange Popularity

I was talking to my sister about my experiences within the last year in my ward.  It was as I was relating my mildly funny tales that she turned to me and said, "Cami, you're the ward joke."  I realized that she was correct.  So, without further ado, here is the story of how I became the ward joke.

Becoming the Ward Joke

I moved into the ward last August.  I was working every Sunday on an alternating morning/evening shift schedule.  Therefore, I was a term used in the church known as "less active."  This itself became a joke.  I don't know why; it just did.  The people that I would do stuff with would joke about me being less active.  I think it had to do with the fact that I went to church when I could and actively brought up gospel topics.  It probably didn't help that I joked right along with them.  I had friends who would always joke that they invited me to game nights so I would be active again.

Come January, things really got weird.  My friends said that they were going to find someone for me to start dating.  This is the phrase used a lot by all the creepers who go to church: "Flirt to convert."  (My friends are creepers.)  I went on a few dates with some boys in the ward.  Surprise!--I've been on dates.  This is where a little fact about my ward comes in handy: everyone knows everything about everyone else.  Except me.  I tend to be a little behind and find out what happened about three months later.  But that's another story.  Just joking, it's not, I just don't talk to people.  Everyone knows everything about me though.  That's when my friends said that I really was converting from flirting.  (I actually just was able to go to church more because I changed jobs.)  So, I stopped going to church.

Actually, I didn't stop going to church.  I just took a much needed break from dating.  I don't know how some of those weird Mormon kids go on a date each week.  Dating stresses me out.  It's scary.  Anyway, I thus started my reputation as a heart breaker.  I don't think I actually broke anyone's heart, but it's now one of the jokes about me that some of my ward friends have.  So, I am now the less active that breaks hearts but needs someone to "flirt to convert" me.  I am a joke.  But, that's not it.  The next one is the true joke.  It's also the best.

In June, my ward had a kickball tournament.  I asked a group of people to be on my team.  I hadn't set a team name, so I just signed myself up as Cami's team.  Unbeknownst to me, the other people in my group signed up with Cami's team and Team Cami.  Therefore, my team was just Team Cami.  My team members said that we needed shirts and catch phrases.  They started calling me Coach Cam.

Missing 5/8 of the team, but we got some representation

We ended up winning the tournament because of my excellent coaching skills.  Actually, we were the only team that showed up to the finals.  We only played one game that month, and we lost it.  Good times.  At least you could say my team was dedicated.  They came to all the games and all the practices.

The next month, my ward started a tennis tournament--doubles. So, we had team names again.  Some of my kickball teammates named their teams after me.  There was a Team Cami and The OG Team Cami.  I was on neither of these teams.  My teammate and I named our team after my teammate.  I got texts to come play tennis when people didn't look at the players on the team.  They just saw my name and thought I was on the team.  This is what my sister meant about me being the ward joke.

Perpetuating the Ward Joke

Once upon a time, there was this really indecisive girl who made bad decisions.  She decided to move back to Arizona after finishing her undergraduate degree.  She told everyone she was moving.  She thought that if she told everyone and made plans to do so and applied to a bunch of jobs, it would happen.  So, she left.  After many weeks of thinking and debating with herself, she decided while she was gone that she was maybe better off in Utah.  At least for a little while.  So, some weird stuff happened, blah blah, something else happened.  Anyway, when she got back, the first person to see her moving in was her nemesis.  And he had to make it known to the entire ward that she was back.  The girl did grieve.

As of now, that girl still hasn't been to that ward for a month.  Is she really still in that ward?  Stay tuned to find out.

The World's Okayest Dad

I want to tell you about a man who I have thought about quite a bit in the last few weeks.  Maybe this will make up for the fact that I only called him for a few minutes on Fathers' Day and that was it.  I want to tell you about a man who has taught me a few things.  I'm not saying he is the best dad in the world.  In fact this is the mug he has gotten for a few Fathers' Days.

There were a few years that I felt that he wasn't around much: my junior and senior year of high school to be exact.  But, I don't really think you can blame him.  He isn't a bad dad.  I want to tell you about the things that I have learned from this man.

This man calls himself the Dominator.  I gave a little shout out to him in my post about winning a national championship.  I've adopted this need to dominate.  No one actually calls him the Dominator, though he writes it on his cup every time we go to my grandparents' home.  He likes to talk smack during all the games we play.  (Another attribute that I have adopted.)  Yet with all this smack, he can still get people to play games with him.  He knows how to turn everything into a tournament.  Speaking of which, I won the two March Madness bracket competitions that I entered this year.  Domination!

This man loves Christmas.  Let me repeat, loves Christmas.  Loves it.

Every June 25, he has a halfway to Christmas celebration.  He sometimes puts up a tree and puts a gift under for each person in the family.  Often he has a party and desserts.  Which reminds me, that he also likes to have parties.  With close family and friends.  I've learned that there is never a such thing as listening to Christmas music too early.  In fact, it is perfect for lightening the mood and for when one is stressed.  I have adopted this practice as well.

This man has also taught me about enduring to the end.  Once upon a time, this man had a wife.  And then she died.  He didn't give up.  He tried to be a dad that was around more.  Yeah, there were a few rough years that didn't go the way that everyone thought they should.  Yeah, he made mistakes, but everyone does.  Yeah, my dad and I had a terrible relationship.  But we don't anymore.

This man was trying to raise five really weird kids.  We were all going through hard things.  I don't think any of us were seeing eye-to-eye with any of the rest of us.  We all were dealing with things in the best way we know how.

This man taught me that God is the number ONE in our lives.  We can't make it without Him.  He is the bearer of peace.  To quote O Holy Night, "And in His name, all oppression shall cease."  I think my dad understood this a long, long time ago (he's old (kind of (actually, he's probably younger than your dad))).  I am thankful that my dad understands that the world isn't going to get better by rejecting God.  I am thankful that I know that God is the source of peace.

This man taught me that the temple is the House of God.  And by following God, we can enter in this beautiful building and make our families last forever.  He has taught me about the power of God.

So, even though my dad and I are still building a better relationship, I have learned a lot.  And you can probably guess that I am a lot like my dad.  'Cause yes, I think I am a lot like my dad.  The good and the bad.  But hey, we've got God with us.  And that is what will make us awesome.

The Worst Adventure Ever

Four years ago, I was in North Carolina.  I was starting my mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  If you are Mormon, you have probably heard the saying, "The best two years."  This refers to a person's mission being the best years of their life.  My mission was anything but my best years.  As I see Facebook posts about people remembering how awesome their missions were, I find myself trying to forget things that happened on my mission.  I tell myself to let it go.  I tell myself to forget my mission and move on with my life; it's holding me back.  I guess this post is a way I am trying to do that.  I need to let the memories stop haunting me and enabling me to feel pity for my past.  Bad things happen to everyone, why should I let mine keep me from being happy?  Why should I feel bad?  I am not an exception.  People move on, so should I.

Before moving on, if you are contemplating serving a mission, I just want to remind you of one thing:  you will be a representative of Christ.  This means that you will be "despised and rejected of men" and "acquainted with grief" (Isaiah 53:3).  Are you ready to be hated?  Because I can promise you that you will be hated.  You will be told to go to Hell.  People will slam doors in your face.  But, I also want to remind you that as a representative of Jesus Christ, you are also charged with the care of a companion.  This, my friends, is what I want to share with you.

Again before moving on, I want to apologize to all of my companions.  I know that I can be difficult to live with.  I don't love people in the same ways that others love.  I don't give hugs and say, "I love you."  I tried to be better.  I know that some of you did not feel love in the way that you would have wanted.  I am sorry for that.  I do my best to love everyone and treat them as human beings.  I apologize if I failed.  I want you to know that I did not hate you.  Okay, now we can move on.

If you don't know already, as a child, I had a lot of suicidal thoughts.  The thing that kept me from killing myself was a fear of Hell--and then later, knowing that Heavenly Father loves me and has a purpose for me.  These thoughts were common in junior high and slowly faded away throughout high school.  I was greatly blessed with these thoughts being taken away.  Not everyone will have that.  Some people have these thoughts persist their entire lives.  Somehow I was lucky.  Anyway, by the time I got my mission call, I wasn't having suicidal thoughts anymore.

My sister served a mission at the same time as me.  She had started her mission 6 weeks before me, and ended 6 weeks before me.  When I saw her for the first time after my mission, we embraced and I said to her, "I hope your mission was better than mine."

During the last two weeks of my mission, I prayed every night that the Lord wouldn't let me wake up.  I prayed that it would be my last day.  This is how I had come to deal with my suicidal thoughts.  I thought that instead of acting on these thoughts, I should put it in the hands of the Lord.  I knew that if He kept me alive, there was still more that I needed to accomplish in life.  If he let me die, I would finally be taken from my miseries.  Here is why I had suicidal thoughts on my mission.

I felt that my companions hated me.  I felt this way because I was told that I was unlovable.  I was told I was like a ball and chain, "I hate you," and that it was my fault that things went wrong.  I was reminded that it was my lack of faith keeping us from finding people to teach.  (Which also made me question my faith.)  I was accused of being "trunky" (a word which here means mentally AWOL while being physically present) because I mentioned death near the end of my mission.  In reality, I had had three family members die while I was on my mission.  So death was just something that I thought about.  Often.  It still is.

The doubt and awful feelings for myself increased throughout my mission.  I questioned my faith.  I questioned whether or not I was actually a good person.  I began to wonder how I was such a terrible person that all of my companions hated me.  I tried to serve my companions to let them know that I was trying to not be awful.  I tried to get out of their way when I knew that they hated the way I did things.  I just didn't understand.  I didn't know how when I tried so hard, I still ended up hated.  I still couldn't do things right.  The harder I tried the worse I was.  I was nothing.

Serving a mission is hard.  You have to constantly think of others and serve them.  You have to be willing to be hated.  During those 18 months, I told myself over and over, "I am not serving my mission for my companions, I am serving it for the Lord."  The Lord is the one who trusted me.  I forgot to see that.  I learned a lot about Jesus Christ.  I learned to love people.  My mission taught me that Jesus Christ is there in every small thing.  He wants His children to know Him.  My relationship with Him increased.  Even though I failed at trying to be kind to companions and loving them in the way they feel love, Jesus Christ loved me and them.

My mission is something I try to forget, but I try to remember my relationship with Christ.  When I forgot about myself and remembered what I was doing, I was truly happy.  Serving God's children is one of the best callings ever.  He knows what He is doing, even when we don't.  I would totally recommend serving a mission if you want to know God.  Just know that serving a mission comes with a price.  Are you willing to pay that price?  I'll let you know that the price is much less than the worth.  God loves you.  He knows you.  Even when you feel worthless and that you can't get better, He loves you.  He will help you be truly happy.  His happiness is like no other happiness on earth.

Go with God

Post-graduation Rant

Basically, I am having a midlife crisis.  Yeah, I know I'm only 20-something, but around these parts, that's a good middle age.  I want to just travel.  I want to go back to school.  I don't want to go to school.  I want to get a job.  But, I don't really want to get a job.  I want to move, but I feel like I shouldn't.  I just graduated, and everyone asks me if it feels good.  Sure, I guess.  I don't think I am any closer to my potential than I was before.  I don't know what I am doing.  I looked at buying a truck a few days ago.  The gas mileage is awful, so I didn't buy one.  And, I don't know anything about anything.  And it would cost a fortune, and I don't have money.  Well, actually, I do.  I have a few monies.  I don't have anything funny to say.  I'm just not funny anymore.  I'm super indecisive.  For example, here were some things I was going to publish as my blog post.

On a more positive note, I actually took a shower this week.

Eternal Families Awareness Month

May is here again.  And you know what that means: Eternal Families Awareness Month.  Okay, maybe you didn't know that that is what May meant.  And, I didn't really think about it until on the 1st of May when my brother sent a text to the family saying, "Happy eternal families awareness month!"

Sometimes I pretend like this month doesn't really affect me.  I actually wanted to start this blog post by saying, "Why I don't have feelings."  But, as I thought about it, I guess I do have feelings.  But, I don't think the feelings are quite what people would expect.  I don't really know how to miss my mom anymore.  In fact, I don't even remember much about her.  She's been gone for so long, I don't really remember what it is like to have a mom.  So, the sad feelings aren't really there.  Which probably sounds really awful, but death just doesn't phase me anymore.  Death has become hope.

Death is hope.  That probably sounds really awful and slightly suicidal.  Let me tell you why death is hope.  First, here is a video.  Want to know how many times I have watched this?  I don't even know; it's too many times to keep track of.

Because of Jesus Christ, I will see my mom again.  I will see my grandma again.  I will see my aunt again.  I will see my great grandparents again (yeah, all except one was alive when I was born, so I got to know some of my great grandparents).  I'll get to see my friends again.  My family members will get to see their friends again.  Basically, death is the most awesome family reunion you could ever imagine.  Just joking, you can't even imagine it.  Unless you are a lot more righteous than me (which isn't hard to do.)

I also believe that through Jesus Christ, we have power on this earth to keep our families forever.  It is through the temple that we receive this promise and are able to use this power.  My family has done so, so I know that I will be part of my family still forever.

Death is hope.  This doesn't mean I actively try to die, but when the time comes, I will openly embrace it and thank Heavenly Father for my time on earth.  I will say thank you that I will be able to see my family again.  I will say thank you for taking care of me and taking care of my family.  God loves you.  Don't you forget it.  He knows what He is doing even when we have a hard time believing so.  He wants us to feel His love.  He loves you.

P.S. I promised myself I wouldn't draw attention to struggles May brings in my life, but I think this message is good.  I want to share the hope that I find in May.

Leaving BYU

What?!  Why are you leaving BYU?

'Cause I'm graduating!  Even so, I am glad that I am done with BYU.  I am glad to leave.  And for this gladness, I have a not so great reason and a kind of awesome reason.  I'll start with the not so great, so you can skip it if you want.


NOT SO GREAT
I have a problem with BYU/Provo Culture.  It goes a little something like this: You better date and get married or you're dumb. People expect to find their "soul mates" at BYU.  And they expect it of everyone else at BYU.  If you didn't come to BYU to find a spouse, then why are you here?  Every conversation includes marriage as a topic--it's inevitable.

I once was in a group of about eight girls.  All were married, engaged, or about to be engaged except for me.  One girl decided that each girl should tell her love story to the group.  I was hoping that my invisibility skills would kick in, but nonetheless I was seen and asked to inform the group of my beautiful tale of romance.  I simply stated, "I'm single."  And the group just stared at me as if I was broken.  Their sad faces were just that--sad.  I had broken their fragile hearts with my sad tale of woe.  I had added a drop of depression to their pleasant, pretend perfect day.  I ruined it.  I ruined their happiness.  And I think they thought I had also ruined mine.

This is why I hate BYU culture.  Just because I am single doesn't mean that I am unhappy or worth any less.  Just because I didn't get married while at BYU doesn't mean that I didn't fulfill my purpose there.  My life is more than just finding a man.  Yes, it is pleasing to God when people get married.  Yes, I am pretty sure God wants all of His children to have lasting and loving marriages, but I can still improve my life while I am unmarried.  I can still become a better person.  And when I do finally meet that person and decide that I'm okay with dating, I will be better prepared.  Yeah, I'll still be imperfect and make tons of mistakes, but I will have learned a lot of things.  And guess what!  I am pretty sure that I have learned and experienced more than a handful of married BYU students.  I have changed lives, including my own, in ways that some of them have not.  So, why should I be sad about that?

To the people who have bet against my ability to make it through BYU without getting married: taste the awful bitterness of defeat.  Yeah, it may be a little harsh, but this is my life, not yours.  And I'm still imperfect and have much work to do in the kindness area.

KIND OF AWESOME

In the last three years, I have come to understand the meaning of "Enter to Learn--Go Forth to Serve."  We aren't meant to stay in school forever. We aren't meant to get an education just to soak it all in and never use it.

Because of my major, I have been shown a path that lots of people don't even know about.  I have been given opportunity to explore the world of Residential Treatment Centers (RTC).  As a staff in a few RTCs, I have been counted as a guardian for more than 50 kids.  Their safety has been in my hands, and it has been my responsibility to teach them and love them.  I have used the knowledge of mental illness and human development to fulfill these responsibilities.

Because I have come to BYU, I have seen the light in roommates' eyes grow.  I have been there to share my thoughts and my testimony.  I have used my knowledge of the gospel to give aid to roommates who were seeking help.

And now I am ready to go.  I am ready to keep serving and finding people wherever I may go that need some of the learning that I have gained from BYU.  That's really the purpose of higher education: serving in higher capacities.  Because I know more, I can help more.  I'm done with BYU and being in this bubble.  It's kind of like this meme I saw a few years ago.

I'm ready to spread out and stop stinking.

JUST SOMETHING INTERESTING
If you want to see how college went for me, here are some pictures.

First Semester:

Next to Last Semester:

At some point, my homework started being more reading and trying to comprehend it than solving equations, so my grades dropped dramatically.  Maybe I should have stuck with Chemistry or Math.

The Less Active in Ward Council

I'm gonna do it.  I going to single someone out.  Here it goes: WHY is that less active member in ward council?  Why?  Don't you think it is a little awkward that they're here when we should be talking about how to help them?

Actually, just kidding.  Maybe ward council is exactly where they need to be.  Except in this case, that less active is me.  I was the less active member in the ward council.  Some of you may be questioning how valid that statement is.  Well, once upon a time, I had a job that required me to work every Sunday.  The shifts were meant to change every Sunday between morning and evening shift.  Somehow I also got the church time of 1:00pm, which was right during the shift change.  So, the most church I would get each month was two Sacrament meetings.  Sometimes I even left before Sacrament meeting was over.

In the middle of me working on Sundays, I got a calling in which I was to go to Ward Council.  First, is it a thing outside of Utah YSA wards to have the music chair in Ward Council?  I had never heard of that.  I often struggle to know what to say in Ward Council because I have stewardship over those little pieces of paper that are put in the plaque every Sunday.  I'm no Relief Society President.  Don't get me wrong, I love being the Music Chair.  I get to pick songs that people sing rarely.  I get to ask people to play instruments and sing for musical numbers.  I love my calling.  I just find it hard to talk in Ward Council.

So, if I wasn't already feeling useless for being the person without anything to say in Ward Council, I often feel like I fall into the categories of people we need to love and cherish more, to reach out to.  For example, people who don't have friends, people who sit in the back row of church, people who leave right after Sacrament meeting, people who don't attend any ward functions, etc.  I fall into all of these categories.  My ward members would probably say, "Cami, you have friends."  But let me tell you about when I was first in ward council.

I was new to the ward, so I knew no one.  I happened to never make it to ward functions because I was working.  I knew my roommate: just the one that was in the same room as me.  I went to ward council and we would be asked who we knew.  I could list myself.  And my roommate.  That was it.  So, I sat in the second to back row in the chapel at church.  (I'm really bad at initiating conversation with anyone that I don't know and often with the people that I do know.)  There were times where I would go to one hour of church in two months.  I sometimes missed Ward Council.  I knew one person.  Can you guess who it was?  My roommate.  Maybe she should have been in Ward Council.

So, what's the point about me writing about being less active in the Ward Council?  I don't know.  I think I just wanted to share how awkward I feel.  I could tell you about the times where I planned on running away and no one would even know.  I could tell you about the times I didn't go to church last month and people didn't even think anything of it (even though I don't work on Sundays anymore, but who's really supposed to keep track of my schedule?).  I could tell you about how I still don't know what I'm doing in Ward Council.  I could tell you about how people think I know things, but I really don't.

Anyway, the Lord knows more than I do.  For some reason, He calls us to do things that we are not at all prepared for.  Life's an adventure.  Keep exploring.  Don't quote anything I say; it is wise not to.  Believe I'm a heretic if you want to because it's not like it would change my reputation much.  Have a great day.

Bigfoot's Sister

Want to know something about me?  I am totally that annoying roommate who sits on the couch doing who knows what when my roommate and her boyfriend probably need some privacy.  Want to read about other ways in which I am a creep?  Try this "poem."

In other news, I really love this pair of shoes that I have.  In case I forget what size my feet are, each shoe has it written three times.

The Guilt of Not Dating: A Passive Aggressive (Slightly More Aggressive) Note to my Fans (Just Me)

For someone who hates dating so much, I talk an awful lot about dating.  Sorry, I'll try to stop.

My Invisible Man and Me

As a single adult in a church that has a high emphasis on marriage and family, sometimes one can feel a little overwhelmed, out-of-place, and as if he/she is letting down God.  Now, let's get this straight, I am merely 23, so I really shouldn't complain.  I haven't had a lot of experience to make me feel down.  I should remember that I am still young.  Guess what! I do feel young, and sometimes that's the thing that keeps me from dating.  I forget that I am old enough to get married.  Weird.  Below are some of the things that I have heard (whether or not they were the real words of the people talking to me).

"What was wrong with the boy?"  Nothing.  "Then you should have kept dating him.  He liked you." Okay, I get it; I messed up.  For the most part, I just felt like our personalities didn't match up or that the boy moved super fast or I panicked and shut down, and then I said no.  All of the guys that have asked me on dates are super nice guys.  They are great.  But, I just didn't feel like we fit.  Or I panicked.

"You could be married and have three children by now."  No, I could be married and unhappy.  And maybe one child (that I give more attention to than my husband).  I don't want to get married just to get married.  I want to get married to be with someone that I can be with forever and care about always.  I want to get married in order to raise kids in a household where the parents love each other and love their children.  How would I be able to teach my kids to love others if I really wasn't in love with their father?  I want a friend, a best friend.  I want someone to do activities with (bike riding, hiking, raising kids, laughing, etc.).

"Don't you know getting married is essential to your salvation?"  Yes.  "Then why aren't you trying to do so?"  Because I don't have courage.  And yes, I feel guilty for letting this hold me back.  I often feel that I am not doing my part and am letting God down.  I know that I need to get married and raise kids well.  I know without a doubt that I need to be a mom.  I know that I can accomplish a lot as a wife.  I know that you know that I'm missing out.

Also, because people push the idea of marriage onto me so much, I push back and say that I don't want to get married.  But, deep down--deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep down--I do want to get married.  I also have quite a few reasons that I shouldn't get married, some of the being the following:
1. I've already failed at being a mother figure.
2. I am so selfish.
3. I am immature.  Think 3-year-old inside an adult body.
4. I don't trust people.
5. I don't know how to be a good friend.
6. I say a lot of bad things.  And, I'm mean.
7. I punch people.  I'm surprised no one has really fought back yet.
8. I don't say, "I love you."
9. Okay, I should probably stop with the negativity.

Basically, everyone has their own timetable.  Yes, I feel guilty a lot for not being married or dating.  I ask God often if I am even doing what He wants me to do.  He says, "Patience."  So, then I wait and try to do what's right.  What's that scripture about being anxiously engaged in a good cause?  Yeah, I just try to do that and follow the commandments.  It helps me stay happy.

So basically, Cami, get off my case.  I'm trying to be a good person, and that's an imperative start for me.  Stop letting guilt rule your life.  Let it go.  Just let it [insert expletive] go.

Also, if this doesn't detract people from dating me, I need to up my game.  The game is called "How awful can I make myself sound?"  Did it work?  Can you resist me now?

And if you are thinking of commenting about how someday some man will sweep me off my feet and there won't be anything I can do beside fall in love with him and marry him, I've already heard that at least once a week for the last four years.  Maybe a little more.  Sure, maybe someday I will fall in love.  But let me do it on my own time.  And let me believe it on my own.  Stop trying to make me think things.

I'm over it.  I don't want to get married, but I do at the same time.  That's pretty much this entire post in one sentence.  I'm just going to go back to my awkward life now.  Have a wonderful week.  Hopefully you can get over this too.  Just let it go.  Forget about it.  It was just a waste of your seven minutes.  These are not the droids you are looking for.  Go back to your daily routine.

What Do You Believe and Why?

Recently, I have been thinking a lot about why I believe the things that I do.  First and foremost, I believe that God exists and that His son, Jesus Christ, came to the Earth to save all people.

I believe that through the power of God families can be together forever.  The building in the above picture is where God blesses families for forever. We make promises that connect our families together and to God.

I know that I can see my loved ones who have passed on again.  It will be one great family reunion.

Why do I believe this? Because I  have lost many people that I love and that have listened to me, I have had to find others who will listen to me and help me.  (To learn more about this, you can read Getting Married.)  And when God becomes the only one you can talk to, you get to know who He is and what He wants for you.  God has shown me His love.  He helps me be better than who I already am.  These videos express better the things that I have come to understand.

I would love to have you reply in the comments about what you believe and why.
Also, if you click the orange button to the left of this post, you can read more.

My Preferred Sport is Extreme Eating

Today, none of the normal bowls were clean.  So, the thought popped in my head that I should just use a large mixing bowl.  And once the idea was in my head, I couldn't just not do it.  So, I did.

It really helps that I spend a great number of evenings all by myself.  I maybe should get out more.  Also, I felt kind of like I would be a drunk as I was gulping down that milk.  Just look at it.  It's like half the gallon. 

Just kidding, it's only about a fifth of a gallon.  And, it was delicious.

Getting Married

Don't worry; I'm not doing that.  Yet.  It's gonna be a while.

But, the topic presents itself daily to me because the number of my roommates in serious relationships is unnaturally high, and the number of dates I have been on in the past month is unnaturally high (more than 1).  And the lessons in church have been about dating.  Boo. Unfortunately, this brings up some issues that I have tried to pretend are actually strengths.

Once upon a time, my family went through a hard time.  Everyone was trying to get through it the best they could.  Unfortunately, this also meant that feelings were rejected and counted as inappropriate or invalid.  So, the feelings got pushed down.  Hidden.  Labeled as unimportant.  Without realizing it, this also labeled people as unimportant.  Some of my siblings and I became unimportant.  Now, it wasn't anyone from the outside saying we were unimportant.  Honestly, they were trying to help.  People wanted us to feel good.  And, most of us still have good feelings inside.  But, this has led to a not so great belief system in some of us.  I would like to tell you about mine.  (This isn't me being vulnerable because I don't do that.  This is me being honest.  I also feel like I have had this conversation with quite a few people in the last few weeks, so I might as well share it.)

I don't trust people.  If you know me, you probably already know this.  I do talk to people.  And I share stories with them.  I go do fun stuff with people.  I try to help people.  But, you have probably also noticed that I don't ask people to do anything for me.  I don't try to rely on people to comfort me.  I don't accept offers of help from others.  I fix things on my own.  I am a very independent person.  I don't invite people to go places with me or do stuff with me.  That game that I played a year ago was a super gutsy thing for me to do.  But, I didn't really invite people to eat lunch with me.  I invited people to invite themselves.  So, I still have some work to do.

I also know that relationships don't last.  At least, that is what my experience tells me.  That hard time ruined most of my relationships with my family members.  It absolutely ruined them.  Relationships that I did have died, and ones that I tried to nourish never grew.  So, that's how I knew that relationships don't last.  And from all of my other experiences with making friends.  So, this is my belief system.

BUT  (and this is a big but--I like 'em, I cannot lie.  Sorry, bad joke.)

My relationship with my dad is the best it has been in eight years.  It's probably even better than it was before all the hard things.  I actually talk to him sometimes about what is going on in my life.  And, I ask him for help sometimes.  No, I still don't talk to him as often as other people talk to their parents.  And I think that is something that just comes along with being Cami.  I don't call people on the phone just to talk to them.  Sometimes, it even takes me a day or two to answer someone's text.  That's just me.

My relationships with other family members are also getting better.  I can talk to them about some of my feelings and worries about life.  However, I am still working on trusting people who are not my family members.  It's hard when after a semester is over, you are never going to see these people again.  And to tie it back to the beginning, this is why I have a hard time with dating.  My lack of trust and belief that people are just going to leave makes it hard for me to get attached to people.  I also don't want to hurt people because I know that I will be leaving.

I know that I still have to work on my trust issues, but I have hope that it will change.  Last night, I read Mosiah 15:10--"when his soul has been made an offering for sin he shall see his seed."  Though it may not necessarily be a sin, but more of a weakness, the only way that I will come to know Jesus Christ is by letting His Atonement be a part of my life.  I have to rely on Him for change.

Not typical of me, I have actually prayed constantly for confidence and about future relationships that I might have.  I believe it started this past summer.  I have heard lots of people, including Prophets and Apostles, talk about when they were single and praying about their future spouse.  And I just kind of rolled my eyes and thought, "whatever."  So, I never did that.  And, I kind of still don't.  Don't start thinking that I pray, "Please let me have a wonderful husband, who cherishes me, and is super good looking.  Please let me be a wonderful wife."  My prayers are a lot more asking that I can be good to people and be good to myself.

So, maybe I won't be getting married in the near future.  But, at least I know that I can change so that maybe someday I can.  Someday, I will trust someone enough to let them stay with me.  There's hope.  Because the force is strong with this one.  Or really the Holy Ghost.  I know that Jesus Christ did die for me and rose again, so I can become a better and more trusting person.  And I know that time heals wounds.  Like the song "Come, Ye Disconsolate" says, "Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal."  I know this.  Because I have felt it.  And I am trying to continue to feel it.  And I encourage others to feel it as well.

For some less deep words on my dating struggles, you can go read Patient Urgency.

When You Don't Know How to Invite People Over

The cat dominated.  Just look at its smug, little face.

Thought from Today

Here I was thinking I would be in Hawaii or Arizona this semester, but God decided I needed a little more humility.

The road to my internship