Getting Married

Don't worry; I'm not doing that.  Yet.  It's gonna be a while.

But, the topic presents itself daily to me because the number of my roommates in serious relationships is unnaturally high, and the number of dates I have been on in the past month is unnaturally high (more than 1).  And the lessons in church have been about dating.  Boo. Unfortunately, this brings up some issues that I have tried to pretend are actually strengths.

Once upon a time, my family went through a hard time.  Everyone was trying to get through it the best they could.  Unfortunately, this also meant that feelings were rejected and counted as inappropriate or invalid.  So, the feelings got pushed down.  Hidden.  Labeled as unimportant.  Without realizing it, this also labeled people as unimportant.  Some of my siblings and I became unimportant.  Now, it wasn't anyone from the outside saying we were unimportant.  Honestly, they were trying to help.  People wanted us to feel good.  And, most of us still have good feelings inside.  But, this has led to a not so great belief system in some of us.  I would like to tell you about mine.  (This isn't me being vulnerable because I don't do that.  This is me being honest.  I also feel like I have had this conversation with quite a few people in the last few weeks, so I might as well share it.)

I don't trust people.  If you know me, you probably already know this.  I do talk to people.  And I share stories with them.  I go do fun stuff with people.  I try to help people.  But, you have probably also noticed that I don't ask people to do anything for me.  I don't try to rely on people to comfort me.  I don't accept offers of help from others.  I fix things on my own.  I am a very independent person.  I don't invite people to go places with me or do stuff with me.  That game that I played a year ago was a super gutsy thing for me to do.  But, I didn't really invite people to eat lunch with me.  I invited people to invite themselves.  So, I still have some work to do.

I also know that relationships don't last.  At least, that is what my experience tells me.  That hard time ruined most of my relationships with my family members.  It absolutely ruined them.  Relationships that I did have died, and ones that I tried to nourish never grew.  So, that's how I knew that relationships don't last.  And from all of my other experiences with making friends.  So, this is my belief system.

BUT  (and this is a big but--I like 'em, I cannot lie.  Sorry, bad joke.)

My relationship with my dad is the best it has been in eight years.  It's probably even better than it was before all the hard things.  I actually talk to him sometimes about what is going on in my life.  And, I ask him for help sometimes.  No, I still don't talk to him as often as other people talk to their parents.  And I think that is something that just comes along with being Cami.  I don't call people on the phone just to talk to them.  Sometimes, it even takes me a day or two to answer someone's text.  That's just me.

My relationships with other family members are also getting better.  I can talk to them about some of my feelings and worries about life.  However, I am still working on trusting people who are not my family members.  It's hard when after a semester is over, you are never going to see these people again.  And to tie it back to the beginning, this is why I have a hard time with dating.  My lack of trust and belief that people are just going to leave makes it hard for me to get attached to people.  I also don't want to hurt people because I know that I will be leaving.

I know that I still have to work on my trust issues, but I have hope that it will change.  Last night, I read Mosiah 15:10--"when his soul has been made an offering for sin he shall see his seed."  Though it may not necessarily be a sin, but more of a weakness, the only way that I will come to know Jesus Christ is by letting His Atonement be a part of my life.  I have to rely on Him for change.

Not typical of me, I have actually prayed constantly for confidence and about future relationships that I might have.  I believe it started this past summer.  I have heard lots of people, including Prophets and Apostles, talk about when they were single and praying about their future spouse.  And I just kind of rolled my eyes and thought, "whatever."  So, I never did that.  And, I kind of still don't.  Don't start thinking that I pray, "Please let me have a wonderful husband, who cherishes me, and is super good looking.  Please let me be a wonderful wife."  My prayers are a lot more asking that I can be good to people and be good to myself.

So, maybe I won't be getting married in the near future.  But, at least I know that I can change so that maybe someday I can.  Someday, I will trust someone enough to let them stay with me.  There's hope.  Because the force is strong with this one.  Or really the Holy Ghost.  I know that Jesus Christ did die for me and rose again, so I can become a better and more trusting person.  And I know that time heals wounds.  Like the song "Come, Ye Disconsolate" says, "Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal."  I know this.  Because I have felt it.  And I am trying to continue to feel it.  And I encourage others to feel it as well.

For some less deep words on my dating struggles, you can go read Patient Urgency.