I have something I just need to get off my chest from the last several assessments and physical therapy appointments my child has had. Two things about my child that have impacted my motherhood are that she has a disability that was found in the womb, and she was born three months early. Due to her prematurity, she is developmentally three months behind her actual age. Due to her disability, we have to monitor several aspects of her development to see if she needs any equipment or not. Currently, we don’t have any equipment, but the feeling in and strength of her legs and feet is less than 100%. This has put her another few months behind developmentally. All in all, she is roughly 2-5 months behind in different areas.
The real issue that keeps popping up for me is my “not good enough” mentality. I have made lots of progress in my mental health and self-worth, so I don’t need another person telling me, “Cami, you need to work on yourself and see a therapist.” I know it’s just in my head, okay? That’s not the point. The point is that it’s a lot. I don’t know how other mothers do everything. I am constantly failing. I don’t know how other mothers, especially of kiddos who are even more developmentally delayed than my daughter, don’t just have breakdowns every day. How do they do it all?
The point is that even though professionals say, “it’s not your fault,” it feels an awful like they’re saying, “it’s your fault.” For example, one of her recent assessments determined she is delayed in speech. The speech therapist stated that she didn’t understand why she would be delayed in speech since she seems very aware of her surroundings, has several vowels and consonants, and is very social with other people. The recommendations to me were, “you should be pointing at the pictures in books and labelling them”, “you need to copy her babbling, so she’ll want to keep talking”, “narrate everything you do all day”, and “talk to her like your having a conversation.” I’m trying, but I don’t do everything all day, every day. And the occupational and physical therapists from that assessment also had three to five recommendations of what I need to be doing. So that’s twelve improvements on my part from a two-hour assessment.
It feels an awful lot like it’s my fault when during therapy sessions, I have to answer that I’m not doing something all the time. Sometimes I don’t even know what the physical therapist is talking about when she asks about certain exercises. So I definitely have to say I’m not doing those ones. So then those exercises are added to the list of already 20 things I need to help my daughter with in order for her to move her legs better. How am I supposed to work on all 20 exercises every day? She gets tired. And I get tired.
Not to mention that my daughter has a whole team of other specialists that sometimes give me other tasks. Like now I have to remember to give her a vitamin to help her have softer poops. And I need to be keeping track of her poops to know if it’s working. And I need to feed her less cheese and more fiber.
So in the end, I’m not good enough. A perfect mom would be able to do all million tasks every day and be on top of all the things that need to be scheduled. And prepare three nutritious meals every day. And have her child potty trained by 18 months. I’m not perfect. I’m not even good enough. And I tell my daughter that I’m sorry that I’m not better at everything. I want my daughter to thrive, and I’m not doing very well at getting her there.
I have always hated having people watch me do anything because it usually ends up with me being told what I am doing wrong. And that’s how all these therapy sessions and assessments feel. I want to quit everything and just raise my child my own way. Because I feel like I could still do a good job. I would thrive, and maybe my child would too. But there are just a few things that her disability might make harder, and I want her to get the help that she needs, especially if it involves equipment, like a catheter or orthotics. So we keep going. And I keep crying about not being good enough.
So yeah, the point is actually I may need to see a therapist. Just add it to the list of all the other things I need to do. I know my daughter will be fine. I just need to stop taking all these recommendations so personally and decide which is the most pressing. Simplify and hope for the best.
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