How to be Super Single at BYU: A Self-Help Guide for Practically No One

In the past semester, I have had lots of random thoughts that I think are hilarious.  Others may not think that they are funny, but I do.  I just thought I should share some with you in the form of a "How To..."  My random thoughts are in italics.  Have fun.

Becoming Super Single

1. Realize Your Potential
You may start out with thoughts that you may want to date and find a future spouse.  But, let's not get too hasty.  Remember that your worth does not depend on your relationship status.  Remember that there are so many great things that you can do.  There are many things that you can be.  You have the ability to create or lose relationships.

One day a boy will think, "Hey, this girl might be fun to be around."  And then he'll ask me out, and I'll decimate that belief.  I think I already did that once.

There is a lot of power in showing people how "fun" you can be.

2. Remember Who You Are
After you realize your potential, live up to it.  Whenever a temptation pops into your head, remember the progress that you have made.  Remember what you have decided to be.

The other day, a boy had a picture quote on his Facebook that sad boys like it when girls sometimes text first.  I wanted to text him just because of that post.  But he would probably think, "Uh! Not this girl."  Be careful what you wish for.

3. Dress Modestly
This step may seem a bit confusing because people are told to be modest even if they do want to be in a relationship.  But, you need to go the extra mile.  This step is especially for girls.  You need to wear clothes that don't hug your curves.  I'll give an example, with this picture.

Oh hey, that kid has the same shirt as me.  Oh, wait.

If you thought the person on the left was a boy, you are wrong.  That is me.  And, I am definitely a girl.  So, dress like a boy.  This is definitely one way to not get asked on dates.  If they don't know what gender you are, they won't bother.

**The other girls look like girls.  Maybe you still thought that I looked like a girl.  I don't know.

4. Be Grateful
There will be people all around you that have boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses, or engagees.  They will talk to each other about them.  These people are showing gratitude for what they have.  Although they may be in a different relationship status than is desired, you can still learn from them.  I was able to do this the other day as I was sitting in class.

When classmates open their computers and have pictures with significant others as their home screens, I just think, "I've got poptarts!"

Gratitude will help you come closer to your goal of super singleness.

5. Spend time with Family
Your family right now is all that you need. No matter what other BYU students say, you don't really have to have another relationship.  Family is so great that you should spend lots of time with them.  And then, post pictures together on social media.

Also, if it is your sibling that is the opposite gender, you should especially post those.  But don't tag your sibling or mention anything sibling related. People might think that you are in a relationship and will leave you alone.  I mean, people who want to be in relationship with you will leave you alone.  People who want a wedding announcement will not.

6. Work Hard

Go to school and work to pay for school.  These two things can take so much of your time that you won't have time to develop a relationship (or find any friends for that matter).

I don't have time for friends.  I don't even have enough time to do my homework.

As you stay busy, you relationship status will surely stay at the single mark.

Staying Super Single

Eventually, you will come to a point where dating seems a foreign idea.  You will hear a conversation from the table next to yours about how one of the girls is having a hard time deciding what to do because she went on four dates last week, each a different boy.

People go on multiple dates per week?  Wait.  People go on multiple dates per semester?

Then added by my brother:

Wait, people go on multiple dates?

At this point, you can finally realize that you are completely cut off from the ideals of BYU dating.  You have probably been single for a while now and plan on being that way for another while.  You have reached Super Singleness.  Congratulations!

Although you are Super Single, you constantly be bombarded by the need of other BYU students to be in a relationship.  You will be bombarded by the need of other BYU students to know your relationship.  They will want to set you up.  They will ask you your type.  They will ask you if you think anyone is cute.  They will tell you to flirt (which by the way, shouldn't come naturally to you now that you are super single).  If this gets into your subconscious, don't worry, it happens to the best of us.

I had a dream last night that I was getting married.  Then I woke up and was like, "Whoa whoa whoa, I'm note even dating anyone."

Your dreams do not define who you are.  (Else, I would also be married to a jedi.  And, my family would have been eaten by a tiger.)  Don't worry.  As you continue to follow these steps, you will remain super single for the entirety of your BYU years.

I congratulate you and wish you the best of luck.


P.S. It might also help if you wear shirts of sharks in space while pretending to have a lightsaber in grocery stores.  That could help your singleness.

Or if you are the annoying person who presses all the buttons in the elevator.  That could also help.