Lemon 1: School
This semester actually has me worried that I might fail. And then I won't be able to graduate. I have to take these classes over. Which I don't want to do because of lemon 2.
Lemon 2: BYU/Provo Culture
I have a different blog post all about leaving BYU that I was going to post at the end of this semester. However, I guess I'm not leaving Provo. I don't know why. I really want to because I hate it here. However, I'm at this point because of lemon 3.
Lemon 3: Revelation?
Frankly, I don't know how to receive revelation. I had made up my mind that I was going back to Arizona (or just going to Hawaii) to do my internship or to work until I could find an internship. I felt really good about this decision. And then I didn't. And then I felt like I needed to stay in Utah. Why? I don't know. I hate it here. I don't fit in. The reason I don't fit in is because of lemon 4.
Lemon 4: Unlovable
Once upon a time, my companion told me that I was unlovable. Don't worry, I don't actually believe that no one can love me (for the most part). I just have a hard time feeling love. I don't know why, but I can't seem to make myself feel love from other people. I enjoy being around people, but I don't understand that people enjoy being around me. I am working on it. I think. I am trying to destroy that belief system. It's kind of hard to destroy them because of lemon 5.
Lemon 5: Singleness
This one is kind of a double-edged sword. My roommates are in relationships and want me to be in one. However, the only boys that ask me on dates are ones that I know I would be a bad match with. And I don't ask boys on dates because of lemon 6.
Lemon 6: Self-Confidence
I'm pretty sure I'm awkward. I don't want to embarrass anyone by asking them on dates. I don't have confidence when it comes to being social. I'm afraid that I make others feel awkward if I talk to them. And that's why I don't talk to people. Okay, this may be the same as lemon 4, but it plays a big role in my life. I just need to let faith and just doing it overcome my fears and insecurities. I can be better than what I currently am.
Though this is condensed, it is an okay representation of the lemons that want to beat on me. I have let myself down so many times this semester. I have run away so many times this semester. I just want to run away for real though. I'm not doing so great. Luckily, I remembered a song yesterday that helps me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PsaSmU5AQds
Somehow I keep going. I have been quite useless this semester, but I'm going to make it. I hope. Only two more weeks. I'm so ready to be done. This is where prayer becomes my constant companion. Where did happiness go? I don't know, but soon it will be back. I know it will. I'm going to bring it back. It has no choice.
P.S. Don't think about too much, but now lemons looks like a really weird word.
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