Journals and Healing

As a Recreation Therapist, I use experiential learning to lead people to healing.  I help in the healing process of other people, and yet I don't take the time to heal myself.  I do pretty well at grinning and bearing it until someone asks me questions about my life.  And too many people have had the experience of hearing me complain or be depressing when explaining my life.  I really haven't taken the time to let myself heal from things in my past.  Yet, somehow, I had a healing experience this year because of something that I have taken the time to do over years and years of my life.

Over the course of 18 years, I have written in 14 journals (granted some of them could probably be combined because my handwriting was huge as a 10-year-old).  I love journals.  About ever other year, I ask for a journal for Christmas.  That Christmas present will get used guaranteed.

During the middle of this year, I decided to read through all of my journals.  It was quite entertaining.  I am such a weird kid.  And I apologize to anyone who knew me between the ages of 10 and 13.  I was just awkward.  Not that I'm not awkward now, but that awkwardness is just embarrassing, and I am so glad that I have changed my ways.

Reading through all of my journals was very eye-opening.  And I had a few weeks of depression while I was reading through it because there is some tough stuff in there.  Literally, the picture below is one of my journals.

That sticky note has been on there for years, and yet I did not heed the warning.  It was rough.  And I learned some things that have been holding me back for years.  I got to re-experience things that I had terrible memories of, and in my journal, I had written positive feelings and/or pure and simple facts.  I realized that I had been beating myself up and blaming myself for things that went poorly or less than desired, and by rereading my journals, I realized that during those times, I had given my all--I had done my best, and there was nothing more I could have given.  And I can't keep blaming myself when I was doing more than was my actual capacity.  And that wound that has been open for 5+ years closed.  And hopefully other wounds will be healed in time--wounds that have been open for even longer.

So, write down the bad stuff.  I feel like a lot of people are afraid of writing down the bad stuff.  They're afraid that other people will hold them accountable for only their sad times or their hard times.  Someday, that writing of the bad stuff might not actually be bad, and it might heal.

But If Not

This blog is about dating.  And But If Nots.  Everyone's lives are filled with moments that can be But If Not moments.  So first, I'm going to state the obvious.  I'm 26.  I'm single.  And I'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I am "old" for being single in the church.  And I get a lot of interesting talks about it.  People are genuinely worried about me.  And they think that I am unhappy because I am single.  Yes, I would like to be married and be a mom.  BUT IF NOT.

But if not comes from the story of Shadrach, Mesach, and Abednego, when they are thrown into the fiery furnace because they won't worship Nebuchadnezzar's idols.  (By the way it's pronounced knee-buck-add'-nuh-zahr.)  Nebuchadnezzar taunts the three boys and, and the three boys tell Nebuchadnezzar that their God can save them.  "But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods" (Daniel 3:18).  What happens cannot shake our faith.  And a friend gave a talk about it in church earlier this year, and I loved every minute of the talk.

My grandmother loved the quote, "Our faith is not dependent on outcomes."  It was her motto that she tried to instill in all of her children and grandchildren.  It is another representation of But If Not.

I know I said this blog is about dating in the very first sentence, but really it is about promised blessings.  God makes promises to His children that keep covenants.  And really this isn't about dating, but more about marriage.  Marriage is a God-made thing.  It is a blessing and also a covenant.  Without keeping this covenant, there are some blessings that cannot be ours.  If anyone knows me, they know that I am totally devoted to God, and I seek His guidance always.  I strive to do anything that He wants me to do.  I realized that I must do God's will as a teenager, and I haven't gone back.  And so as an "old" unmarried member of the church, people are genuinely worried about me and think that I am unhappy.  It's true that sometimes I am worried about being able to make that covenant or receiving the blessings God has promised.  BUT IF NOT

I will never give up on my God.  God keeps His promises in ways that we don't understand.  And He blesses His faithful children.  My faith is not dependent on outcomes.  My faith didn't depend on the fact that my mom died.  My faith didn't and still doesn't depend on my family being healed of mental health issues.  My faith didn't depend on being able to find a job as soon as I started applying.  There are just too many things that God knows the timing of that will be most beneficial to our Eternal Lives to let us have everything that we want.

You may receive blessings in this life.  BUT IF NOT please don't throw it all away.  God works in mysterious ways.  And there is so much in store.

Also, my cousin got married last month, and I was seriously considering asking for nominations for a date to the reception.  Good thing I didn't because I still ended up with a ring.  I stole it from my cousin who's seven.  I had to give it back.

Quotes of the Summer

About the above picture

Griffin: This is America.
Emmett: It's having 60 siblings.

Cami: Did they treat you like you were dumb?
Griffin: I don't know.  They didn't really talk to me directly.
Cami: So yes?

Josh: Weekly goals--pee on Kit's carpet.

Emmett: I've had nachos every day this month.

Griffin:  Hair is weird though.  I have a bush in my armpit.

After his phone buzzes
Griffin: Who texteth me?

From the what if game...
What if Cami was the next Mary Poppins?
We would know that people really aren't as nice.

Kolby: Ellany! You don't charge family.  Unless it's mom.

Griffin: If you were sad, and a fish had a saxophone, what would you want it to play?

Emmett:  If they don't announce Animal Crossing at E3, I'm just gonna play a Tamagotchi until I die.

Grandma: He's single, and he's lookin'.
Cami: Is he good-lookin' or just lookin'?

Cami: I am so bad at making friends that my sister has to intervene.  From another country.

Kid at work:  Hey Cami, where did you get the ugly a** shirt you're wearing?
Cami (under her breath): Your mom.

Josh:  Aaaaaahhhh!  I have a bruise there.
Cami: I know.  I saw it there and touched it.

Receiving Immediate Goodness

Lately I have been pondering about the talk by Elder McKay that was shared in April this year.  He talks about the immediate goodness that comes to those who trust God as they wait for promised blessings that are coming "soon."  He says, 'When the Lord or His servants say things like, "Not many days hence" or "The time is not far distant," it can literally mean a lifetime or longer."  As I listened to the whole conference, I heard a very common theme of blessings that are promised coming sooner, later, or in the life to come.  And more often that not, these blessings are in the later and in the life to come categories.  With all this said, I have really thought during the last few weeks about God's immediate goodness.

As whoever reads my blog knows, it has been a weird year.  I moved out of Utah at the beginning of September.  And what my life has boiled down to in the last year is a struggle to find a job for seven months, living in a different country for three months, and struggling to initiate conversation with new people and make friends.

I have a lot of thoughts in my head, but mostly I want to say this.  With all the rough stuff that has happened this year, and my inadequacies that I pray for God to magically disappear, I am able to see the immediate goodness for the entire year.  Because I have made decisions that I pretend people think are bad or stupid, I have seen God's immediate goodness.

• I have been able to go with my brother and my cousin to do baptisms at the temple.
• I have been able to help take care of my sister and her baby for three months.  And I was taken care of there too.
• I have good times with my imaginary friends.  (Mostly they are memories of faraway friends, but I am coming up with better lines I could have said during some of our conversations.)
• I get to spend time with my family.
• I learn to trust God always.
• I feel empowered, which is so weird because there are so many things in my life right now that make me feel weak, stupid, inadequate, or trapped.  I feel empowered nonetheless.
• And I am at peace with who I am right now.  God gave me weaknesses.  My weaknesses make me what God needs me to be at this moment.  This doesn't mean He's not expecting me to change, for surely He expects me to overcome those weaknesses.  But because He has promised blessings to me, I am at peace that weaknesses currently preventing me from obtaining those blessings are also part of His timing.  

God has not forsaken you even though He hasn't given you a promised blessing.  Maybe that blessing isn't meant to come for a while.  And if that's the case, there is so much that God is giving you.  From experience, I know it is hard to open my eyes to the things that are good while I am going through things that I think aren't good.  But God's will is ultimately good no matter what is happening or not happening in your life.  The question is, "Do you have the faith to receive God's will and His immediate goodness?"

When It's Not a Refuge

This is the second blog post that I know I have been needing to write and just haven't quite figured out how I need to write it.

I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  And lots of people hate that church.  And they may or may not hate me because I am a member.  For the most part, I feel like most people still like me and still think I have fairly sound judgment.  But there are a lot of things in the church that people don't like.  And I totally understand that.

There's a reason why I wrote in my last post that church is kind of my refuge.  Church is hard to go to.  The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is filled to the brim with imperfect, and lots of times annoying and hurtful people.  I could give you a whole list of times where church was not a fun place to be.  (Not that church is necessarily supposed to be fun, but it wasn't great being there.)

Here's the list:
The Plight of the Millenials
The Guilt of Not Dating
Super Single at BYU (comical)
YSA Creep (comical)
The Worst Adventure Ever
Leaving BYU

This list is not conclusive, nor do you actually have to read all of the posts.

I have not felt welcomed at church lots of times.  I have felt judged and mocked and rejected.  I have felt unloved and awful.  I have felt that I am the worst.  I have been told so many terrible things at church.  And going to church would make me cry.  It literally made my day worse to go to church because of the hateful, unkind things that people said.

But I still go.

Because I'm insane.

No, that's not it.  It's because I believe in the doctrine: faith, repentance, baptism, the gift of the Holy Ghost, and enduring to the end.  I believe in those things.  All other things just help us get there.  I believe in the teachings of The Book of Mormon.  I have never felt closer to my Savior Jesus Christ than by reading and studying The Book of Mormon.  I believe taking the sacrament is a reminder of the Savior and helps bring His power into my life every week.  So, even on the Sundays where I feel worse than before I went to church, I ultimately have more power and capability to handle the entire week's struggles.

So, yes, going to church is still hard.  Yes, I sometimes avoid talking to certain people at church because I'm bad at forgiving.  Yes, I cry after church sometimes because it's hard to go.  Yes, there will always be people who are going to say something prejudiced.  That's a given.  So what if people hate me and call me terrible names and say that millennials are the worst and that other young women only value me if I'm married and people have no idea who I am.  I'm not giving up on my Savior because of a bad time.  There's a great quote that goes something like this:

Pain is weakness leaving the body.

So, I'm just getting super strong.  Just kidding.  But God asks us to do hard things.  He asks us to do things that we hate.  He asks us to do things that don't necessarily seem fun.  But He still loves us.

And He still loves everyone, no matter what they are doing at this moment.  He looks at us and says, I'm so glad I have you.  And I want you to be loyal to me, so you can have all that I have.  I want to give you the world.  And I want to give you more.  Because I love you.  And what I have is great.

So if you hate the church, I'm sorry.  If you don't believe in God, that's okay.  I don't hate you.  I might say things that are hurtful, but don't let me get in the way of your relationship with an Almighty God who knows more than me and can give you more than I can.  Come and experiment on what is taught.  Come and ignore the words of the haters and the backstabbers.

Try reading The Book of Mormon.  Try it.  And if you don't feel God's power any better, then you will know the truth about the book.  Try having faith and repenting.  

And know that if nothing changes because of this blog post, I don't even know if people read my blog, so it won't even make a difference in my relationship with anyone.  I still am weird no matter what happens.  So just keep on keepin' on.

A Place of Refuge

I have been trying to write this post for the last three months.  And every time I revisit it, it feels wrong.  I also know there is another post I need to make after this one.

Over the last year, I have been all over the place.  I feel like that would be the only way to describe what has happened.  I left my job in Utah to be closer to my family.  I struggled to find a job in Arizona, and I ended up with just a temporary job, luckily because it was the winter holiday season.  I hated that job because I had to work every Sunday, and that meant that I didn't get to go to church, which is my place of refuge, kind of.  Church is kind of my place of refuge.  And that's what my next post will be about.  After I finished that job in January, I headed to New Zealand.  And I stayed there for three months.

My sister and brother-in-law let me stay at their home for those three months.  I helped take care of my nephew.  And I worked on my Master's degree.  Oh yeah, that's something else that happened this past year--I started a graduate program.

When I came back home, I got the first job that I had an interview for.  And now I've been working for a month.  It's weird to think that I've only been home for a month and a half because I feel like still so much has happened since I have been back in the United States.

My life has been up and down and down and farther down.  I have cried so many times in the last year.  I have pled for answers and guidance from my Father in Heaven.  And He told me things that I hated.  (Which is often the case.)  He told me things that hurt.  But I was still capable of feeling His love.

I didn't plan on writing any of that, but I think it helps with what I did want to write.  I wanted to write about the temple.  I wanted to write about the power of going to the temple, even to the temple grounds, sitting outside.  But, there is power in sitting inside even more.

Inside the temple, we are reminded of our covenants, our promises, our contracts, our loyalty to our God.  He is our Heavenly Father, and He asks that we be loyal to Him.  After we are reminded of our covenants, there is a room that we enter called the Celestial Room.  Sitting there, he reminds us why we are loyal to Him.  He embraces is us in His unconditional, unlimited love.  And He tells us it's all going to be okay.  And He says that He knows that we hate what He tells us to do, but it will be okay, and that He still loves us.

The temple has provided power to me when I haven't been able to go to church.  It is my refuge from the terrible things going on.  In my usual places of employment, I hear awful stories of what has happened to adolescents, I get sworn at, and I have to use my finite reserve of patience to gather kids together for activities.  The temple gives me the courage and power to continue on.

The temple gives me the power to do things that I don't want to do, like staying in Utah for forever or  giving up a job opportunity because that means less stability.  God asks us to do things that we hate.  Or He asks us to do things that we love but are hard.  He also asks us to just do things that are mediocre or boring.  But the temple is where He shows us why we do those things.

I invite you to go to the temple this week.  You don't necessarily have to go inside.  If you have questions, let me know; I would love to answer them.  I love the temple.  It is my refuge.  Everyone needs a place of refuge.  I invite you to find yours.

First Third of 2019 Quotes

I finally got some quotes on for the year.  These include January through April.

As Josh pulls on Emmett's arm hair
Emmett: I'm not hairy for you.  I'm hairy for survival.

Cami: When I write a story about my life, half of it will be about your flatulence.  When I write a story about your life, the whole thing will be about your flatulence.
Griffin: Well, it proves it's not all about video games.

My dad wishing for me to marry a specific boy as he blows out a birthday candle:

Cami:  I'm gonna take a personality test!  It's called Preach My Gospel Christlike attributes.

Cami:  If I'm not married by the time we go to Disneyland, I'm gonna buy myself seven dole whips.

Cherise: Sorry my burps are so nasty.
Cami: Well mine are too.
Cherise: Was that your burp I'm tasting or mine?
Cami: Probably mine because I'm tasting mine right now too.
Cherise: Eeeuwww.

Cami: I know I'm bad at life.
Cherise: No, you're just an experience.

Cami: I'm sorry I fake yelled at you.
Cherise:  Okay, I fake forgive you.

Cami: Why did Mom like black names so much?
Cherise:  Maybe she was secretly transracial.

Cherise: Do people think I'm lesbian?
Cami: No, because you're married to a man and like to make out with him all the time.
Cherise:  Ooh, a boy likes me!  Ooh hoo hoo.
Cami:  Ugh, Kenna just says that I'm asexual aromantic.

Talking about Cherise's baby
Cami: Can't you just have one more of these?
Cherise: It hurts...just thinking about it.
Cami: But it's worth it.  For me to be an aunt.

Cami: This one time, I went somewhere with someone.
Cherise: That was really specific.

All because I named a few things Gertrude when I was a teenager
Cherise: Cami always picks the ugliest names.  Her kids are going to be named Penoolope and Chicken Nougat.

Dad: I still need to see automan.
Cami: Aquaman?
Dad: Yeah.
Cami: Automan.  He works on cars.
Dad: He turns into a car.
Cami: That's Transformers, Dad.
Emmett: That's bumblebee.

Cami: And then I stayed in Utah, and that was stupid.
Emmett: Was it stupid or was it an experience?
Cami: I guess it was just an experience.

Emmett: I believe in streaks.  ...on Bing.
Cami: Oh, I thought you were going to say on your undies.

Times of Change and Being Intentional

A few years ago, I started reading How to Win Friends and Influence People because I thought it could help with my lack of friends.  I read two pages, which contained anecdotal human interactions, to which I thought, "These people are stupid."  At that point, I thought, "This book is wasted on me."  I never finished the book.

Almost two months ago, I started The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.  I'm about halfway through.  Do you know how hard it is to read boring common sense?  It's hard.  Especially for someone who is already excruciatingly slow at reading AND can't focus.  I am uncomfortable when people have to watch me fill out forms because how long it takes.  Also, one of my roommates with ADHD laughed at me for taking two months to read a book that she read in two days.  So, yeah, I would say it's difficult.  Besides not being done, it's been a good reminder to become better.

Although the two books aren't the same, I would clump them into the same category: improve your dang skills books.  Or minimize ineptitudes books. Or don't be dumb books.  Any of those categories.  Any will work.  I think for the first book, I just wasn't ready to change.  If we look at the stages of change, I was in the precontemplation/contemplation area for the winning friends book.  I knew that I wasn't good at making friends, but I didn't really think that I needed to make any.  And now, I am on the contemplation track with self-improvement.  "Should that be a good idea?" said 4-year-old Griffin.  I think it should be.

Anyway, things need to change because I am a jobless, homeless (of sorts but not really), single millennial.  I could just say that I'm a millennial, and then people would be like, "Well that's your problem.  Too bad that can't be changed."  Adding the other three words just makes people even more irate or censorious.  I should just resign to my misfortune.  (Or my plight.)  Okay, sorry, sometimes I just get these ideas in my head, and then they come out into my writing.  Mostly, I need to get a job and a place to live because being single and being a millennial are useless worries.  And I just added them to make the problem more tantalizing.  (Attention-seeking much?  I dare say yes.)

The whole idea of this is that I am trying to be more intentional.  I want to set better, more achievable goals for myself.  Not only to get a job, but to be a better neighbour, sister, daughter, etc.  I think because of the way my life has awkwardly turned out in the last 6 months, I am finally able to realize how much I actually need to change and what I want to/need to work on first.  Getting a job.  And intentionally talking to strangers.  I don't do so well at initiating conversations based on some unhelpful beliefs about myself.  So that should be a good idea to change.

It's hard being intentional.  I set goals and don't do very well at keeping them.  So, I guess keep a head's up for a new social experiment that I will put together in the next month.  I'll let you know what my goals are and how I plan on talking to strangers.  Excited?  Probably not.  Because I am really my only reader, and I am not excited.

My Study Abroad

My bucket list only has one item on in it: travel outside the United States.  I've completed that, so I guess I can die now.

I've been living in New Zealand for a few months.  And since I am still taking my online classes, I sometimes call this my study abroad.  But because I do a lot of babysitting my nephew, my sister calls me her au pair.  Whatever this time is called, I thought some peoples would want to know what it's like.

I came to New Zealand with my dad and friend from Utah.  My sister and her husband have been gracious hosts.  The beach is so close.  And I love beaches.  If you wade in the bay close to their house, there are often crabs scurrying across your feet or away from them.  The last time I saw so many crabs was in my neighbourhood in Wilmington, North Carolina.  And they would be in the gutters after a large rain.

 We live across the street from the marae.  I've been able to attend a powhiri for one of the teams participating in Te Matatini.  They stayed at the marae across the street.  And Te Matatini was awesome, even though we only watched some of it on TV.

One of the classes I was taking while being abroad was a diversity in recreation.  And the class was mainly about race, ethnicity, and the struggles of participating in recreation if a person is not White.  It has been awesome to hear various sides of relationships among different races and cultures and to see differences in how people participate in life.  However, so many times while reading the textbook and thinking about my experiences, I think people are really the same.  We have the same needs and desires.  Some of us are just raised a little differently.

I have had roommates who are Chinese, Indonesian, Belarusian, Argentine, Mexican, Polynesian, Nigerian, Colombian, and more.  We have the same basic needs.  And living in New Zealand, we still have the same needs.  During my class, the chorus of Depeche Mode's "People are People" played over and over in my head.

Now that my study abroad rant is over, I'll share the joys of being an au pair.  I'm not a real au pair; all I do is babysit my nephew for a few hours a day.  I get baby snuggles every day.  What could be better than that?  My sister and I used to joke that I would come live with her and be a stay-at-home aunt while she worked.  That would be awesome, but eventually I'm gonna have to leave this cute baby.  And then I'll have to be a real adult.  Boo.  Guess I'll squeeze in as many snuggles as I can.

Making Plans for One's Life--What a Joke

My closet has been a suitcase for the last six months.  If you have seen me in that time and thought, "Wow, Cami's clothes are even more wrinkly than usual," it's because they've been stuffed into a suitcase.  I'm here to tell you that I don't know how to make plans for my life, and when I do, they just get destroyed anyway.

My plan was to go to school at ASU and most likely study architecture.  Granted this was when I was in 8th and 9th grade.  That didn't happen.  I went to BYU and studied Recreation Management.

My plan was to go on a mission when I was 21.  That just got bumped up by a year, so I don't know how much that one really counts.

My plan was to do my internship for my Recreation Management program in Arizona or Hawaii and then stay there (or somewhere besides Utah).  Mostly, I was trying to escape Utah (specifically Provo) for the almost six years that I was there.  My internship and following jobs were in Utah.  So, that escape plan failed miserably.

My plan was to find a job as a Recreation Therapist in Arizona and find a place to live away from my family.  And now my closet is a suitcase.  Because I didn't get a job, and I didn't find a place to live.

So why am I writing this?  Because I don't know what I'm doing.  And only two people read this, so what does it matter?  Those two people include me and . . . I couldn't think of anyone to write because my aunt doesn't even read this anymore.  I know because she asked me if I was going to write anything on my blog, and I realized that she hadn't read the last five posts.  So, I'm writing this because sometimes writing things helps me realize that I really am just a bump on a log.  It's exciting.

The awesome thing about where I am right now is that I have several ideas of what I want to do to be a productive member of society.  I have three business ideas, and one of them I could start super easily.  And another could be started super easily.  And the other one is probably not as great, but it's fun to talk about because it's a bakery specifically for people with diabetes who can't eat sugar and carbohydrates.  We have had quite a few good names proposed for this bakery.  What are your name suggestions?  Sorry, rambling, I got excited about the Diabetabakery (Cherise's name suggestion).

I have hope for the future.  Maybe misplaced hope, but I know that someday I won't live out of a suitcase.  I am looking forward to that day.

Waiting for the Lord's Blessings

I feel like a lot of my friends write blogs these days.  And I really hate being a cliché, so sometimes I just don't want to write anything.  I also deleted my Facebook, so the number of people that see my blog basically went back down to two.  (So the number halved.)  Then I remembered that my blog is basically my rant space anyway with random quote posts here and there. I thought that I would write, and yet not write about, what a lot of the other people I know are writing about or posting on social media: babies and pregnancies.  Specifically trials with such.  That's why I have this awesome picture of this awesome kid in this awesome onesie.  I love him so much.

I haven't even met him yet; he lives in a different country.  I became an aunt in 2018, and it's the best thing ever.  Because I never have been pregnant or have tried to get pregnant, I was worried about writing this post because I haven't ever experienced that.  I texted my sister about it because he's her baby.  This is what part of the conversation looked like.

The things that remind me of my situation are the acknowledging that they don't understand why God is doing this.  It's the feeling inadequate.  It's the desire to be a mom and not being able to.  And I just wanted to share some of my experience and thoughts that come to my mind whenever I read these experiences.

If there is actually someone reading this, and along the way they start thinking, "This sounds really familiar," it's because I've had related thoughts for a few years, and they are stated in posts such as How do people get married? and The Guilt of Not Dating and Patient Urgency and many such posts that can be found in my "dating" label.  So why am I posting again?  Because I still struggle.  Okay!?  Okay, that was a little rude.  I'll try to be a little kinder as I go along.

This may seem a bit choppy, but I want to use some of the things that I wrote in my journal a few weeks ago.  My dad says that people don't want to date people who say bad things about themselves, so this post probably isn't going to help much.  I do think it will be helpful to get some things off my chest though.  And maybe someone else will say to themselves, "I feel that too.  I'm glad I'm not alone."  And as stated above, I just have these thoughts a lot when reading others' posts or when anybody mentions dating or having kids.

From my journal

I end up thinking, "This is why I'm not married."  I start picking at my flaws.  If I could only change myself.  If I could be not myself.  If I weren't me, I could get married.  If I was always positive.  If I were more patient.  If I were outgoing and talkative.  If I didn't have depression.  If I wasn't ugly.  If I smiled more.  If I never mentioned my mom being dead.  If I wore makeup and cuter clothes.  If I was more welcoming to people touching me.  If I didn't make potty jokes or body function jokes.  If I didn't make jokes about myself.  If I said, "I love you" more.  This is why I'm not married.  This is why people don't like me.

And it was especially hard-hitting when the sister younger than me is getting married.  She is the type of person that people like.  She is the type of person that a boy wants to marry.  And I'm not.

From other thoughts

Obviously, during those times I feel it's my fault that I can't get married.  I think it's my fault I don't even have the option to have kids (based on me still living my standards).  However, it feels just as bad when I don't think it's my fault.  It still hurts.

At church, we talk about marriage and eternal families all the time because we believe in the temple blessing and ordinance of the sealing.  Getting married and being sealed is a blessing, as mentioned by the doctrine of church.  So I wonder why I am not allowed to have that "blessing"?  Why do I get to be alone?  I wonder why, when I go to church, attend the temple regularly, read my scriptures daily, listen to General Conference, and try to apply Jesus Christ's atonement to my life.  I'm a good person.  Or at least I attempt to be.  Why does God not want to grant that blessing to me if I am following His commandments?

It hurts.  And I don't know why the timing has worked out this way.  But He often says, "Stop worrying about it," "Keep on the covenant path," or "Patience."  God's timing is something that I truly have a hard time loving.  And His will is something that I seek to do but also have a hard time loving, especially when it means that I don't get the blessings that I think I might deserve.  One of my sisters stated there isn't much comfort in Elder Holland's words: "Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come."  Maybe those blessings don't come until death, and I must embrace a lonely life.  Personally, I still believe I will be married in this life.  But if I don't, it doesn't mean that God loves me any less.  I constantly have to remind myself that God still wants to bless me for my efforts.

In that same address Elder Holland speaks to:

• young parents still in school
• single parents
• those who want to be married and aren't
• those who desire children and cannot
• those with few friends
• those grieving a death of a loved one
• and others

He says, "Even if you cannot always see that silver lining on your clouds, God can, for He is the very source of the light you seek.  He does love you, and He knows your fears.  He hears your prayers."

We don't know a lot of things, but God knows infinitely more than we do.  We each have our own trials.  We each have things that God thinks we should have in our lives.  My sister (I'm just gonna mention all of my sisters in this post) once wrote me a letter while we were both serving missions, in which she said that sometimes she thinks that God asks us to do things just to test our faith.  We won't always get the results that we desire, but God expects us to pay attention anyway.  So, I guess I'll keep going.  I'll be okay.  And I hope everyone else can be okay too.

I don't wish to undermine anything that anyone has written in their social media/blog posts by posting my experiences.  All I can say is keep believing, and you're still amazing even when God gives you hard things.

Also, I know I have shared this video before, but it is always applicable.  I have watched it so many times, I can't even count.

"I am the Gardener here.  And I know what I want you to be. . . . And someday, little currant bush, when you're laden with fruit, you're gonna say, 'Thank you Mr. Gardener for loving me enough to cut me down.'"

Final Quotes of 2018

Cami: On one condition--you can't try to convince me I'm bi with Asian ladies.

Cami: Tchaikovsky is one of the greatest composers ever.
Douglas: Oh yeah, I've heard of that guy.

Cami: What vegetables do we have?
Makenna: Chicken!
Griffin: That's beef.

After getting tickets to the TabCATS Christmas concert
Griffin:  I feel so accomplished.

Lari:  I have two dresses.  One is unflattering.  And the other is flattering, but it's tight.  So, uh, I guess they're both unflattering.

Dad: Who wants a fig tree?
Cami: No one.  No one wants a fig tree, Dad.

Doug: Yeah, they went on a snape hunt.
Cami: Snipe.
Dad laughing: Yeah, they all dressed up as Harry Potter characters and went out looking.

Talking about tooting in public
Griffin: Cherise is worse than me now.
Kenna: That's because she's pregnant.
Cami: No, it's because she's married to Jensen.
Kenna:  So, it's like when Fiona married Shrek and stayed an ogre.
Cami: Yep.

Cami: I think I know what drove the last boy away.  I said I like sad movies and that I listen to Christmas music.
Griffin: Yeah, probably.

Cami: Now that it's November, I would say it's time to listen to Thanksgiving music, but I don't want to listen to three songs over and over again for a month.

Griffin: Hey Stinky!
Cami: Why are you talking to yourself?

Griffin:  You have a tag hanging off your dress.
Cami: You can cut it if you want.
Griffin comes back with a pocket knife
Cami: Seriously?
Griffin (cutting the tag): It was the only thing I could find.
Cami:  There's a pair of scissors on top of the dresser.

Cami: You know how people pray for patience and then different circumstances or people come into their lives? I'm a person that comes into people's lives after they pray for patience.

Arlene: Who am I kidding?  I only play games with you guys.  I don't know why I'm pretending I have friends.

Kenna: Why do all British people look the same?
Cami: Racist! So, you're saying that Simon Cowell looks just like all the One Directions boys?
Griffin: And that Tom Holland looks like...uh...like...
Cami: Benedict Cumberbatch?
Griffin: Yeah.
Cami: And looks like Alex Boye?
Kenna: Yep.

After talking about all the sweets my dad can't eat
Cami: I'm gonna make a store called Diabeetus Cakes.  And there will be other sweets in there too.  It's gonna be spelled D-I-A-B-E-E-T-U-S.
Dad sarcastically: Sounds so appetizing.

Makenna: This is my favorite picture of him.
Griffin: Because it's blurry?

Griffin: How do you stay in the lines?

After I put a goldfish in Doug's seat
Doug: Whose goldfish is this?
Cami: It's a snack for your ride home.
Griffin: It's the snack that smiles back.  It's the snack that goes up your crack.
Cami: What?!
Griffin: 'Cause he's gonna sit on it.

About mochi
Emmett: It's my two favorite things--ice cream and fruit snacks.

Sarah: I went to go see Ant-Man and the Wasp on Pioneer Day.
Doug: On purpose?!
Everyone else: What?
Sarah: Yes?

Makenna: Cami, are you ever going to work?
Emmett: She's been back for hours.
Cami: I went at 6 am and got back at 3.
Makenna: But you didn't change your clothes?
Emmett: Yeah, she lazy like the rest of us.

Cami: What is this in the phone case?
Darren: UPS dust.
Cami: Ew.