Waiting for the Lord's Blessings

I feel like a lot of my friends write blogs these days.  And I really hate being a cliché, so sometimes I just don't want to write anything.  I also deleted my Facebook, so the number of people that see my blog basically went back down to two.  (So the number halved.)  Then I remembered that my blog is basically my rant space anyway with random quote posts here and there. I thought that I would write, and yet not write about, what a lot of the other people I know are writing about or posting on social media: babies and pregnancies.  Specifically trials with such.  That's why I have this awesome picture of this awesome kid in this awesome onesie.  I love him so much.

I haven't even met him yet; he lives in a different country.  I became an aunt in 2018, and it's the best thing ever.  Because I never have been pregnant or have tried to get pregnant, I was worried about writing this post because I haven't ever experienced that.  I texted my sister about it because he's her baby.  This is what part of the conversation looked like.

The things that remind me of my situation are the acknowledging that they don't understand why God is doing this.  It's the feeling inadequate.  It's the desire to be a mom and not being able to.  And I just wanted to share some of my experience and thoughts that come to my mind whenever I read these experiences.

If there is actually someone reading this, and along the way they start thinking, "This sounds really familiar," it's because I've had related thoughts for a few years, and they are stated in posts such as How do people get married? and The Guilt of Not Dating and Patient Urgency and many such posts that can be found in my "dating" label.  So why am I posting again?  Because I still struggle.  Okay!?  Okay, that was a little rude.  I'll try to be a little kinder as I go along.

This may seem a bit choppy, but I want to use some of the things that I wrote in my journal a few weeks ago.  My dad says that people don't want to date people who say bad things about themselves, so this post probably isn't going to help much.  I do think it will be helpful to get some things off my chest though.  And maybe someone else will say to themselves, "I feel that too.  I'm glad I'm not alone."  And as stated above, I just have these thoughts a lot when reading others' posts or when anybody mentions dating or having kids.

From my journal

I end up thinking, "This is why I'm not married."  I start picking at my flaws.  If I could only change myself.  If I could be not myself.  If I weren't me, I could get married.  If I was always positive.  If I were more patient.  If I were outgoing and talkative.  If I didn't have depression.  If I wasn't ugly.  If I smiled more.  If I never mentioned my mom being dead.  If I wore makeup and cuter clothes.  If I was more welcoming to people touching me.  If I didn't make potty jokes or body function jokes.  If I didn't make jokes about myself.  If I said, "I love you" more.  This is why I'm not married.  This is why people don't like me.

And it was especially hard-hitting when the sister younger than me is getting married.  She is the type of person that people like.  She is the type of person that a boy wants to marry.  And I'm not.

From other thoughts

Obviously, during those times I feel it's my fault that I can't get married.  I think it's my fault I don't even have the option to have kids (based on me still living my standards).  However, it feels just as bad when I don't think it's my fault.  It still hurts.

At church, we talk about marriage and eternal families all the time because we believe in the temple blessing and ordinance of the sealing.  Getting married and being sealed is a blessing, as mentioned by the doctrine of church.  So I wonder why I am not allowed to have that "blessing"?  Why do I get to be alone?  I wonder why, when I go to church, attend the temple regularly, read my scriptures daily, listen to General Conference, and try to apply Jesus Christ's atonement to my life.  I'm a good person.  Or at least I attempt to be.  Why does God not want to grant that blessing to me if I am following His commandments?

It hurts.  And I don't know why the timing has worked out this way.  But He often says, "Stop worrying about it," "Keep on the covenant path," or "Patience."  God's timing is something that I truly have a hard time loving.  And His will is something that I seek to do but also have a hard time loving, especially when it means that I don't get the blessings that I think I might deserve.  One of my sisters stated there isn't much comfort in Elder Holland's words: "Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come."  Maybe those blessings don't come until death, and I must embrace a lonely life.  Personally, I still believe I will be married in this life.  But if I don't, it doesn't mean that God loves me any less.  I constantly have to remind myself that God still wants to bless me for my efforts.

In that same address Elder Holland speaks to:

• young parents still in school
• single parents
• those who want to be married and aren't
• those who desire children and cannot
• those with few friends
• those grieving a death of a loved one
• and others

He says, "Even if you cannot always see that silver lining on your clouds, God can, for He is the very source of the light you seek.  He does love you, and He knows your fears.  He hears your prayers."

We don't know a lot of things, but God knows infinitely more than we do.  We each have our own trials.  We each have things that God thinks we should have in our lives.  My sister (I'm just gonna mention all of my sisters in this post) once wrote me a letter while we were both serving missions, in which she said that sometimes she thinks that God asks us to do things just to test our faith.  We won't always get the results that we desire, but God expects us to pay attention anyway.  So, I guess I'll keep going.  I'll be okay.  And I hope everyone else can be okay too.

I don't wish to undermine anything that anyone has written in their social media/blog posts by posting my experiences.  All I can say is keep believing, and you're still amazing even when God gives you hard things.

Also, I know I have shared this video before, but it is always applicable.  I have watched it so many times, I can't even count.

"I am the Gardener here.  And I know what I want you to be. . . . And someday, little currant bush, when you're laden with fruit, you're gonna say, 'Thank you Mr. Gardener for loving me enough to cut me down.'"