Why Do You Stay?

When I was serving my mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I had two questions that I loved asking to other missionaries. Their answers to these questions showed me their heart, resilience, and if they were going to have a miserable time. The two questions were, "Why did you come on a mission?" and "Why do you stay on your mission?" I think these two questions apply to the church as a whole too. The reasons that people share as to why they joined and why they stay will tell so much. So, I wanted to share my answers to the two questions.

Why I Joined

I joined The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as an 8-year-old. I don't remember a lot. My parents had taught me the gospel since I was born. I knew there was a God, and I knew that getting baptized was a good thing to do. I don't really remember a whole lot else besides that. So, it's not the coolest answer as to why I joined the church. For people who have been baptized later in their life, I'm sure there are much more profound answers.

So, we'll just move onto the next, why don't we.

Why I Stay

The short answer is that there are times when I have undoubtedly felt the Spirit and have communicated with God that I cannot deny. There are things that I have experienced that lead me to believe that I am in the right place. The long answer is the following.

I know that God is real. Now, this doesn't particularly sway me to any church over another. This is a pretty general belief. But, without this, the rest of my testimony doesn't matter. God is real. And I am a daughter of God. I talk to God all the time. (Working in mental health makes this statement so weird because there are so many people who say God is talking to them and telling them to do different things that we classify that as psychosis. Where the difference between psychosis and true belief and conviction is, I don't know sometimes.) I have a true relationship with God that has helped me stay alive and to heal throughout my life.

I believe that Jesus Christ is my Savior. Again, not really particular to a specific church, but foundational. I believe there was an Atonement made to help me become better, to pick me up from my fallen state, to heal so many things that have been wounded, and the list goes on. I don't know everything about the Atonement (or else why faith?). I have lots of questions about the Atonement. I have lots of questions in regards to my relationship with God versus Jesus' relationship with God, and how those two relationships are in comparison, and lots of other things. But I still believe that Christ atoned for me.

I believe that The Book of Mormon is the word of God. Here's where we get a little more particular. The Book of Mormon has led me closer to God and Jesus Christ than any other book. I really love the four gospels in The New Testament, and I absolutely love a lot of Isaiah, but The Book of Mormon helps me understand more and has been more crucial to me coming to Jesus than The Bible. Granted, my Bible reading isn't the greatest and needs lot of improvement, so I should probably work on that. But, I will continue to read The Book of Mormon, and I will continue to come closer to my Savior.

I believe in the power of the temple. I have felt it. If I could live in the temple and just do family history work for the rest of my life, I would. There is no better place than the temple. In the temple, we make covenants, and we stand in as proxy for people who have past away to help them receive those covenants. The power of the Priesthood is abundant in the temple. It is almost tangible. At a time in my life where I wasn't able to go to church very often because of work, I was saved by going to the temple. Now, don't purposely not attend church but go to the temple because the Sacrament has power as well. But in my time where I was unable, the temple kept me sane while working full-time, going to school full-time, and dealing with the mental health of people at work and at home. I felt the difference on the weeks I did not make it to the temple. 

To add to the temple, I believe in the power of the covenants I have made with God. God has given me power, and I intend to do His will, so I can keep that power. I need all the help I can get in this life because I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm gonna keep talking to God and keep following His counsel, so I can get by and find the joy that He intends us to find. God's covenants protect us and inspire us. 

Lastly, I do have lots of questions. I doubt sometimes. With so many people leaving the church and sharing their experiences, I wonder what is happening. Why would people leave? And why haven't I? In the end, I think about all the experiences I have had: talking to God, going to the temple, reading the scriptures, discovering miracles in my life, etc. If those things were true then, how can they be untrue now? I have experienced too much that has made my life better to give it up. I want to continue to have those experiences, so I seek for them. I continue to talk to God, and He gives me answers (though most the time not answers that I expected or wanted). Ultimately, this gospel makes me happier, gives me more hope, makes me better and kinder, and leads me to amazing opportunities. I believe in God. I believe He is my Father. I believe He is kind and knows so much more than I do. I believe in Jesus Christ and His Atonement. And I want to become the person that They know I can be. I strive to do what is right. And The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints leads me to that. This is the church of Jesus Christ. I know because I've felt it. I've experienced it. And no one can take that away from me. And I can't force that on anyone. It's something everyone has to experience for themselves. So keep on living.

"God helps those who help themselves" and other fun quotes

If you didn't already know this, now you do: I work in mental healthcare. Come November, I will have been in this field for 7 years. Usually I am pretty good at keeping work at work and personal life at home. But every now and then, work gets depressing. You can only take so much before the drain. Burnout is real, and with the several plot twists my career has taken, I find myself looking for new jobs and saying, "One of these days, I'm going to be burnt out" (and have to leave mental healthcare). It still hasn't happened yet, but one of these days... In the meantime, here are some things that I learn and experience, especially in decreasing burnout, as a mental health professional.

About a year ago, my congregation at church had a get to know you night, and we all had nametags with a little bit of information about ourselves. Below is mine. (Yes, I stuck it in my journal like a weirdo. Whenever people say, "Paste it in your journal," it might actually end up in my journal.)

The name is pronounced the same as Millie.

Obviously I was being facetious with my answers. My mom would always say, "Are you being a problem solver or a problem causer?" And I totally own being a problem causer. I do it all the time. Though I was being facetious, I do study and work with "the human brain & change." I fully intend to help people and myself change: behaviors, brains, outlook on life, etc. Even as a lowly recreation therapist, I do this every day I go to work. I've learned a lot. And I've provoked change.

At work, I often call myself "the mean therapist" because I do expect people to change, and I ask hard questions. I make people think during my groups, and people don't like what I make them think about. They want to just be told that they are okay, and that the world owes them better. Sure, the world owes a lot of people better. I work with lots of people who have had terrible things done to them, and that's awful. However, if we tell people that they are okay, and that the world is what needs to change, nothing is ever going to change. You know the quote, "Be the change you want to see in the world" that is attributed to Gandhi but is actually not the words he said? Well, the principle is there. You are what changes the world. 

And change hurts. Kid President said, 'A Poem. "Two roads diverged in the woods, and I took the road less traveled... AND IT HURT MAN! ... Not cool Robert Frost!" Guess what! Your brain is made of a bunch of different figurative roads that move information from one place to another. And the ones that we use the most are the easiest for our brains to use. (This is how habits are formed, good or bad.) The ones that are less traveled are not as easy to travel, and so it takes some time to make it easier. Your brain is malleable. You can change your brain. You can make good pathways more of the instinct for your brain than others. But it takes work. And work hurts. Therefore change hurts. Therefore, my therapy hurts. I inspire and encourage change. (Not that I'm an inspiring person, as filling people with awe or wonder or amazement, but I do elicit and evoke thought.)

I'm sure you have heard the saying, "God helps those who help themselves" whether you believe in God or not. As a Christian, and therefore someone who does believe in God, I believe this is a mostly accurate statement. God helps us immensely when we put in work. Not that he never helps those who aren't doing anything for themselves. He may be a strict Parent, but He's not completely devoid of compassion. God ultimately wants our success, and He's gonna help us get there if we are willing to put in the work. So, I improve my life by working hard and asking God for a lot a lot of help. 

As well as working on your own brain, attitudes, and beliefs, service to others improves mental health immensely. I think John F. Kennedy had it right when he said, "Ask not what your country can do for you--ask what you can do for you country." If you haven't read his full inaugural address, it's a good read. Beyond making changes for yourself, you have to help your fellowman. If you only serve yourself, your life isn't reaching it's potential. Most people are happier when they are serving others. Helping other people gives one purpose and increases amounts of the happy chemicals (serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin) in our brains. Our brains are wired to have connection with other people. When the people we are with are happy, we also become a little bit happier. It's just how our brains work.

Unfortunately, we can't help everyone. If we could, a lot of us would. But the news is full of awful things that people do, and it can lead us to feeling helpless. I see so much I cannot change as I work in mental healthcare. I cannot change everyone. And it's something that I have to accept. I have to accept that people have their choice. I have to accept that I have control over a very small part of this world. But I can influence change. I can have hope. And I can do what I can in small ways. I can do my best with what I've got.

To sum it up, these are my three points that help with mental health and reducing burnout.

1. Make changes in your own life and attitude
2. Make positive changes in others' lives
3. Don't get distracted by what you cannot change

It's hard, but it's possible. I promise that my brain is very different from when I started studying about the human brain and change. I have definitely changed my brain. 

And if you want a picture for a visual of how it's all going, here is a picture from my family's 4th of July rocket contest. It's a pretty good visual of how that whole family weekend went as well.

Things might be a little rough (or lot rough) and have taken a nose dive, but tudo bem or it's all good.

2022 First Half Quotes

Makenna: I miss WandaVision.

Cami: What? You miss long division?

Makenna: I miss WandaVision.

Cami: Ohh.

Cami: He was the egg with 25 cents in it, but God wants to give me the egg with 20 bucks in it.

Patient: How old are you?

Cami: I'm almost 30.

Patient: So, your birthday's in July?

Patient: You're weird, but I'm going to miss you.

Cami: Rafiki is not Jesus.

After telling my roommate and her brother that God "tells me to suck it up"

Cami: He's been a nice God to me.

Cami: Sometimes I don't know how people like to drink things besides water. Or chocolate milk.

Coworker: That's because we're adults, Cami.

Patient: I like your eyes. They're kind of glow-y.

Two guys playing HORSE at the park

One to the other: We have to jump over the basketball [something about another jump, picking up the ball, and taking the shot]. All while on the scooter.

(Needless to say, neither of them made the shot.)

Going with my roommate to the National Archives

Cami: Let's National Treasure this thing. Do you have the van?

Random boy (age 10-12) at the zoo: [This girl] said that she thought Simba was smokin' hot. And then later she told me I kind of look like Simba. So I was like, "Do you realize you just called me smokin' hot?"

Cami: My hair is dumb. But God made it that way, so it's perfect.

Cami: You need to fly more. Let's go places.

Griffin: Okay Toyota.

Miracles, Faith, and Moving Mountains

Since General Conference at the beginning of April, the topic of miracles has been ever present around me. President Nelson's talk about Spiritual Momentum suggested seeking and expecting miracles. I've heard several examples of people asking for miracles, or just something they really want, and then God giving it to them the next day or within a few hours even. And I've struggled with that because I feel like that's not how God works in my life. I feel like God's answers to my prayers are "no" or "not yet."

This is what I have learned in my struggle this month though. God works miracles in my life. They are not the same as other people's miracles, but that does not necessarily make them less than others' miracles. I also realized that sometimes I don't notice the miracles because they are just naturally part of things that I am doing or aren't 100% what I am asking for. I try to bargain with God and "sweeten the deal" when really there is no deal; God is giving me something, and I should be grateful.

I have been trying to make a few decisions for changes that are happening in the near future. About a month ago, I felt good about an option. After I felt good about that option, I got new information. I didn't feel as sure about that option as I did before. So I continued my research, pondering, and prayers. After a long struggle and other options falling away (really good options, I might say, even ones where I thought, "This is perfect!"), I had a wrestle prayer with God. I have a lot of wrestle prayers with God. I also wrote about my struggle in my journal. In the end, I realized that the original option was still an option. And it still works with the new information that I received. So, my struggle was purely from looking beyond the mark. I still have yet to act on this option because there are a few other factors that need to be taken care of, and maybe this option will also fall away. Hopefully not. But sometimes I miss the miracles because they don't seem as "perfect" as other people's. My stories don't follow the same pattern of I prayed and I got what I wanted. My path to seeing miracles is a little bit messier. Partially due to my own stubbornness. 

The other thing that I have realized in the past month is that God moves mountains, and He also requires people to climb mountains. Some people's lives are filled with the faith to move mountains. And some people are asked to have faith to climb the mountains. Whichever is asked of us, we still have faith. Just because God asks me to climb more often than He asks me to move mountains does not mean my faith is less than those who move more than climb. Those who climb more might develop some really nice calves though.

Climbing also allows us to see where we have come from. We can gain a clearer picture of what is happening and what is going on around us. Here are a few pictures of views I have had from climbing. They aren't the best pictures, but I've seen lots of things because I have been willing to go to greater heights.

In the end, God is working miracles in my life, even when I don't immediately see it. And I am stubborn. I am often myopic, as the leaders in the church so love saying these days.

Really Late Quotes

 So, here are the quotes from the last part of 2021.  5 months later!

Cami: I burned my spaghetti-os because my arm was bleedin'.

Lari, answering the phone: How did you know I wanted you to call me?
Cami: I don't know things; I just do things.

Jenny: You can do anything and everything related to ...  anything and everything.

Cami: Want to hear some gross stuff about my sweat?

(Obviously still working on my social skills.)

Coworker 1: Don't pull his tail or he'll bite the sh** out of you.

Cami: Well that's good for people who are constipated.

Coworker 2: That... That was a good one Cami.

Cami: Thank you.

Sabrina: But Jesus saved the aliens.

Cami: You might be a nerd if you say it's time to go to bed and then end up adding a macro into the excel spreadsheet you use for your calling.

Cami: I have a 12-sided die on my desk at work, so I chuckle about if anyone were to invite me to D&D or other nerd games and I show up with this:

And then the group did 30 lunges. They, obviously, did not beat the troll.

Talking about someone's haircut

Dad: It's like a homeless... it's like someone played a prank on a homeless person.

Coworker 2: Your brain's doing that thing again, Cami. You spouted off six different ideas in less than a minute.

Sit for a Season

 Do you have patterns in your life? Do things and situations tend to repeat?

One pattern that I have found in my life is I realize that I need to make a decision several months in advance, I start to get my ideas in order, and I pray to know what to do, and God tells me to be patient in some form or another. And then He usually confirms or rejects my plans about a week or two before I absolutely have to have done something about the situation. Usually this happens when I am moving. Utah was a rough place for me because I wanted to move every year, and I would not come to a conclusion until I was a week or two away from moving. This resulted in lots of not renewing housing contracts and then scrambling to find one or miraculously being able to renew late. It also resulted in me quitting jobs and then asking for them back or finding new ones. And then my last year there, it ended with me still working for two weeks after my lease had ended, so I bummed on people's couches and did schoolwork at the park while camping in my car loaded with most of my possessions.

The awkward scrambling and other results from these decisions are not, however, the hard part. It's the patience. Patience is the hard part. It's the waiting for a confirmation to a decision and being told to just give it time in the meanwhile. The answer to have patience has come in so many forms. It's come in the form of "don't worry about that." It's been "don't give up on either." It's a "[it] will come to you," "wait," "I have a work for you to do" without added instruction, and sometimes no recognizable acknowledgement of my request. 

My current waiting period is "Sit for a Season."

What does it even mean to sit for a season? 'Cause I'm not just gonna sit and do nothing. At first glance, I think it's to stop trying to control so much. It's to sit back and let God handle things. Stay in the moment and just stay where you're at for now.

I know I'm going to move in June. I don't know where. My Indeed account is full of Recreation Therapist jobs saved. And mostly in other states. (Not Utah though. I did my time there.) Will I stay in Arizona? I don't know. Will I move to another state? Maybe. But ultimately I don't know right now. Everything just feels bleh. And God says to sit for a season. Just hold on for a moment.

But that's hard. I'm not a waiter. If anyone knows me, I finish people's sentences all the time because I don't know how to wait. If you know my family's Disneyland trends, we don't wait in a line for more than 45 minutes. (We're the people that speed walk past everyone and somehow have fast passes for all the fun rides. But since Disney's changing, we'll need a new strategy.) I can't sit still. The only thing that can hold my attention for more than an hour is jigsaw puzzles. Once it's 20-30 minutes into a task, I have to do something else. Actually, I can read for a few hours as well. But here God is, asking me to wait. Sometimes it feels like I'm going to wait for my whole life. Just wait.

Funny story, one time I was praying, and the answer was "Patience." And so I said, "I know, I know, patience. But how long do I have to be patient for?" And then God and I had a good laugh.

If you want some definitions for sit that fit this situation, here they be:

• remain in a certain state or position
• to remain quiescent (quiescent is dormant or inactive)
• to serve as a model (as in having a picture taken/painted) (this is definitely the meaning for this situation)
• to rest something
• to be located in a particular position

So I guess I am to stay for a moment. 

I just want to know my next adventure. Because I know one is coming. I know I am moving. It feels that things are wrapping up where they are. Friends are heading in different directions. I'm getting antsy. I don't like when I start getting stagnant. I've been in the same position for too long. I'm not learning anything new. My life is redundant. It feels like time to go.

And God says to sit.

At least for a season. Winter is a season. And also spring. Come summer, it's time for the next grand (or not so grand) adventure. And I won't know what it is until then. Waiting is the true refiner's fire. So maybe I will at least be a little more refined by the time June rolls around. We shall wait and see. And then I will move into a season of standing and moving.

How to Live a Hallmark Holiday Movie . . . But Only the Awkward Parts

Guys! I have been working at my job for a year now. This is huge! (Please don't say that in Trump voice.) I haven't been at the same place for a year since 2016. Let me tell ya that it's been an adventure since graduating with my undergraduate degree. Life does not go as expected. I wanted to do something big for this achievement because it has felt like it wouldn't ever happen again. So, here's my story, kind of like a Hallmark Holiday movie, but only the awkward parts. Sorry for any typos in advance. It's basically a novel.

Severely Poor Attempt at a Hallmark Holiday Movie Cover

Holiday #1

This story opens on a single, slightly down on her luck, mid-20s female who recently moved back to her home state and moved in with her dad, stepmom, and some younger siblings. It's the beginning of November in Arizona, so people aren't wearing all the cute winter coats, but they are starting to wear pants instead of shorts.

"Cami, can you pick up the kids from school? I have a previous engagement at that time," Cami's stepmother asked one afternoon.

"Uh, I guess, but I have job interview right after. But, I can probably make it on time," Cami replied hesitantly and with lots of second guessing going on in her brain. It was probably visible on her face that she was unsure if she would actually make it to the interview on time.

"Thanks! There's no way I can be in both places at once."

"Uh, yeah. You're welcome."

Stepmother exited the doorway of the bedroom Cami was sharing with her 15-year-old brother. Cami then bent over her small suitcase to find an outfit that would be at least slightly acceptable for an interview. She steamed the outfit to get out the wrinkles, hurriedly changed, and hopped in the family mini van to go retrieve the high schoolers.

Cami's two brothers were already waiting on the curb and hopped in the car as soon as Cami pulled up.

"How was school today?"

"Mmmm," grunted brother #1.

"Okay," said brother #2.

"Okay," Cami responded. She didn't ask any more questions because she knew that the answers would be similar. The brothers and Cami sat in the car not speaking for a few minutes until younger sister showed up and got in the car. Cami dropped off the younger siblings back at home and zoomed away (well as fast as Cami ever goes, which is usually the speed limit). 

The interview was for an assisted living center. Most of Arizona's Recreation Therapy jobs tend to be with geriatric populations. The interview went well, and Cami was able to answer all of the questions confidently. They had a good chat; however, the employer was hesitant because all of Cami's experience up to this point was in adolescent mental health. Cami didn't end up getting the job or ever even hearing back from the company.

After several job applications, interviews, and rejections, Cami applied for some temporary, holiday jobs because you know, 'tis the season. After being rejected for several of those jobs as well, Cami finally got an interview for a sportswear retail position. During the interview, the interviewer didn't ask many questions and kept giving signs that they were desperate, including stating that they were desperate and still needed several holiday positions filled. Cami then left with a job.

About a week later, Cami started the job on Thanksgiving afternoon. Cami had zero training and was told just to return clothes to their original spot after they were moved or put in the dressing room area. Cami was flustered and was following around a lady who had already tried on seven coats and put the coats in random spots as well as the hangers. It's a good thing Cami likes to play hide and seek with hangers because she got to do a lot of that during the evening. As Cami was rushing around in a flustered, semi-spastic manner, she bumped into a male customer, about 6 foot tall, dark hair, and gorgeous smile.

"I am so sorry," apologized Cami, "I was in such a rush, I didn't see you walk over here."

"That's alright," grinned the handsome man.

Cami gazed into his eyes a few seconds too long. The handsome man just smiled back.

"Oh! Is there anything I can help you find? I can give you information about lots of ski jackets, rain jackets, or fleece items."

"No that's alright. I'm actually just here with a friend who's getting stuff together for a trip he's doing next week. He thought he could get some good deals for Black Friday."

"Yeah, but it's not even Friday yet," Cami responded a little too quickly and a little too judgmentally. Then she added, "I mean, there are lots of deals going on right now. The best deals are on our fleece items today. And tomorrow, we'll have more deals on our ski gear. If you do have any questions, let me or another associate know. We'll help you find what you need."

As Cami walked back to the women's coat area to hang up the miscellaneous scattered coats, she smiled and thought about the man's beautiful deep brown eyes. Little did Cami know, she would see that man again later that week randomly at the park. And then they would start seeing each other a lot, and they would have a wonderful holiday romance.

Just kidding, none of that stuff with the handsome man happened. Cami just ran around super flustered and irritated with the lady who wouldn't stop hiding the hangers. If this was a Hallmark movie, that would be where the guy made his debut. But he didn't. Just some annoying ladies who tried to tell the staff they could use seven discount codes at a time.

When Cami got back home that evening, she trudged up the stairs, into the bedroom, and flopped on the bed. She asked her brother how Thanksgiving evening was.

"Mm," responded brother #1, "How was working?"

"Mm," responded Cami.

Cami changed into PJs and brushed her teeth. She and brother #1 read scriptures silently and separately on their respective beds. Once they were both done reading scriptures and saying prayers, they turned off the light and went to bed. They slept soundly and rose to another day.

In the morning, Cami got up and went to work again for actual Black Friday. It was about the same as the night before, but now she had one shift's experience. Cami continued to work at that job throughout the holiday season. She spent Christmas with her family and played in a Christmas orchestra. The temporary, holiday job ended in January, and Cami got to go live with her sister for a few months. Later that year, she got a job as a Recreation Therapist at a Residential Treatment Center for adolescents.

Holiday #2

Cami had worked at the Residential Treatment Center for about 5-6 months when she stopped by her aunt's house on her way home from work in early November. Cami always loved visiting with family, and Auntie always wanted to feed anyone who came over. Cami and Auntie talked over some burritos and chips and salsa.

"How is work going these days?" asked Auntie.

"It's okay. Today was rough. The cops were already at the facility before I showed up today. It's been getting really bad lately. Usually the cops come sometime while I'm at work, but they were already there before me today. We just don't have the staff power to handle the kids. All the staff are temps from some third party company, and they don't know what they're doing."

"Is there any way you can get more staff? And get them trained quickly?"

"Not really. No one wants to work there because the management is so bad. I want to get a new job. I think I'm going to give myself until January 15 to find a new one."

"Are you still looking to do the same kind of thing?"

"Yeah, I still like working with adolescents and in mental health. It's just this facility is awful. I really want to just start my own business. I would love to create a private practice, where I treat the family as a whole rather than just one or two individuals."

"That would be amazing. I'm sure people would love to come do Recreation Therapy with you and their families. You're so fun and have a way of sharing truths with people in a nonthreatening way." Auntie was always reassuring and liberal with compliments. She has something good to say about everyone.

Cami headed home after the dinner and talk, ready to start applying to jobs again. She hopped on her job application profile and looked at all the saved jobs and job applications from the year before. If only applying to jobs got you money, Cami would have made bank over the last two years. Cami applied to one or two jobs that night and went to bed. She had to get up early for a mandatory meeting for all staff at her job the next morning.

The next morning, she woke up and headed to work, hours before her actual start time. She made it to the mandatory meeting, dreading the long day ahead. A bunch of higher ups were in the meeting. People she had never met but had seen their names on emails to the whole company. The supervisor over this particular facility started the meeting:

"About a year ago, this program was taken in by our parent company to try to save it. We have been working hard over the last year to make positive changes to this program. We've changed schedules and created new positions. We've hired experienced professionals. Today, however, we are sad to say that this program still just isn't cutting it. This program will be closing on the 1st of December and then will be reopened as a different program early next year. We have no need for any of the staff in this program unless you are in a Director position. If you choose to leave before the final day, we ask for notice as quickly as possible. If not, your last day is the 1st of December. HR is here all week for any questions you may have. And we give our best wishes as the holidays approach."

And then the meeting was over. Cami walked to her office with a sense of relief and the realization that this was an easy out. However, this meant she was walking into a holiday season unemployed and struggling to find work. Good thing she had started applying to jobs the night before. This was Cami's chance to start that business that she had been thinking about for a few years. She now had all the time in the world because she wasn't going to have a job in a month. (Which also meant she would no longer have insurance. They don't mention that in Hallmark movies.) Cami had been designing and re-designing her business idea. She was even doing an online Masters program focusing on Recreation Management and how to develop a business plan.

If this was a Hallmark movie, this is the part where Cami would volunteer to help with some big family activity for someone in the community. Some random lady would see that Cami can do great activity planning and implementation and then ask for Cami to do an event for her family, becoming the first customer in Cami's new Family Recreation Therapy business. However, Cami just continued to do her graduate classes and apply to jobs.

Holiday #3

Cami had been working for about 7 months for an adult day center. She was enjoying the less stressful environment due to not working with adolescent mental health. She was not enjoying the more stressful environment due to a virus that had created a pandemic across the globe and the new precautions instituted in the company. The attendance had been increasingly low due to the virus, and the center had closed for about 6 months, during which Cami and the other staff had to do online activities for their seniors and participants with Traumatic Brain Injury. They also had helped with re-painting the center and putting together new tables. At this point (the beginning of November), the center was open again.

Cami was attending to one of the participants.

"You know what we should do with this apple juice?!" exclaimed Participant and then continued with several reassuring nods, "We should let it sit out and make moonshine. I have ingredients that we can add to it to do so. Just give me the word, and I will help make it for everyone."

Cami responded, "We don't make that here. We're not gonna make any of your alcoholic beverages. I don't know what kind of establishment you think this is."

"Okay, we can keep it on the down low, and we have to tell anyone that we're making moonshine," suggested the participant.

"How about you just drink your apple juice? I'm sure that's also a good idea."

"Well, it was worth a shot." Participant went back to eating his lunch, and Cami walked away to go help another participant.

As Cami was walking away, her supervisor pulled her to the side and said, "We have a mandatory meeting for all of the day centers in our company. It's at 3:00, so the last 30 minutes of your shift will be in the meeting. Don't worry about staffing, the nurse and the receptionist will still be in here to take care of everyone. They'll take care of snack and cleaning up."

At 3:00pm, Cami and the rest of the staff (besides the nurse and receptionist) went to the large office for the meeting. At this point, Cami could already guess what was happening. The company had been struggling to continue providing services for their fewer and fewer participants. Cami knew this was the end. The group was told that the center would be closed for real this time with no intention to open it anytime soon. All participants would be going to one central day center, which was not the one Cami was working at, so she was entering another unemployed holiday season. Good thing she always had her job search site handy with saved jobs she might apply to.

Cami faced a few decisions. She had graduated that summer with her Master's degree and with a completed business plan. The hard part about deciding to start your own business is that you need money. And Cami did not have money. And another thing that Hallmark movies don't show when their lovely, blissful protagonists finally get their happy ending is TAXES. Taxes are so hard to figure out for a new sole proprietor business. You have to just guess, and if you guess too high, you don't have money to eat. And if you guess too low, you are penalized. So, it's cool. As Cami thought of her options, she applied to a job that evening. She faced the option of starting her own business for real this time.

A week later, Cami had an interview with the one job that she applied to and got the job. She started the week before Thanksgiving. There was no break between the two jobs. In fact, she had to use three days of PTO from her old job to cover the three days that the center was open, but Cami was in training for her new job.

Holiday #4

That job was as a Recreation Therapist at a mental health hospital. Cami has now been working that job for a year. She enjoys her job. There's a bit of stress with the content of the job; but she is doing well. This year, she did not enter the holiday season unemployed. She didn't get the boy like in the Hallmark movies. And she didn't start her business. But she has a job, so she's happy about that. She did run a Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving morning. She got first place for women in her age bracket (19-29). So, she did win a contest of sorts (which is a very Hallmark movie thing to do). She was, however, the only woman in her age bracket (which is the "but only the awkward part"). 

Throughout the four years, of course there were also the awkward parts of family members telling the protagonist what she's doing wrong in dating. Hallmark movies at least get that awkward part right. And that, my friends, is how you live a Hallmark holiday movie, but only the awkward parts. 

If you made it all the way through, I am so sorry and hopefully enjoyed some of it. As a reward, here's another picture that I took while trying to get a good picture for the movie cover. I tried to do my best Hallmark hair curl. I don't do hair, so that's that. I was also really getting into the 90s kid school pictures, so here is my favorite.

Happy Holidays everyone! I hope you have a job, or are secure with money and insurance. The Hallmark movies really don't talk about insurance, which has given me grief over the last few years. I hope you have a great holiday season and that you have peace and hope. God is good and takes care of us. If this is a season of trial, my heart goes out to you. Holidays can be hard. If you need someone to talk to, I am an open ear. I love all y'all.

Compelled to Be Humble

I am a very capable person. "Here goes narcissistic Cami again," say the two people who read this blog. I'm not saying that I'm absolutely terrific at everything. That's not even close. What I mean is that I am okay at a lot of things, and I'm a quick learner. If someone needs me to do something, I can learn pretty quickly and do a semi-decent job. And I can do a lot of things semi-decently. I don't know a lot about anything, but I know a little about a lot of things.

Sometimes this capability combined with an overwhelming fear that I am a burden on everyone I meet means I do things on my own. All the time. I am not good at asking for help. And I exacerbate that by trying to help others. All the time. I can't be a burden on people if I'm helping, right?

Wrong.

Just kidding, I just wanted to say that. Well, actually sometimes people are burdensome when they are trying to help. But that's not really the point I want to make today.

I find a lot of purpose in my being able to help people. Because without helping others, I'm not much else. And even if people don't like me, I can at least make a small difference in their lives. Within the last month, an overwhelming inability to help people has come to my attention. I have several areas of my life where I am literally powerless. I have family members, friends, and even myself who need help in some way or another, and am absolutely of no use. Nothing I do can change some things. And it hurts. It's a hard truth. As one of my co-workers says often, "Truth hurts with Cami." (I'm am a little too well-known for being blunt and telling people how it is.)

My purpose is to help people. And I can't. Which is really, really awful. I've cried a tear or two almost every day for three weeks. But it was at the most inconvenient times, so I had to truncate the tears. Funny story, there was one group I was in where another therapist said something hurtful to me. Since we wear masks, I cried one tear that just dripped down my cheek into my mask, so no one could see it. And it's just so funny to think about now, but I only allowed my one tear and then tried to stifle the sniffling. My nose runs so bad when I cry. So bad. I'm pretty sure my crying actually comes out of my nose more than my eyes. Anyway, this has been a fun tangent. Short story: It has been a long and rough month with things that I can't help with or control piling up and compounding. So I finally just cried and cried.

I was "compelled to be humble" as Alma 32 talks about. I couldn't just be humble on my own; I had to have everything pile up and then sit on the floor crying for an hour to really let it go. And I had to hear in General Conference that I need to give my whole soul to Christ and that the Lord will help me more than I can help myself. I have to give it all--all of it, everything, my whole self--to the Lord. I have been okay at giving some of it to the Lord, even all parts of a few aspects of my life to the Lord. But it's not enough. I literally don't have power on my own.

I can't do a lot of things. I can't take away people's anxieties or depressions. I can't take away people's desires to kill themselves. I can't make anyone accept the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I can't make any of the boys I like, like me back. I can't make someone talk to me. I can't make anyone stop abusing anyone else. And the list goes on and on. I can't do a lot of things.

Jesus can. I don't know what He will. But He can. And He will do more than I can. So I have to give everything up, not just a little bit. Give all of it.

In light of not being able to do stuff, I call the series below "Cami Trying Something New and Not Knowing What She's Doing." The backstory is that I was trying to involve more movement/dance (granted very simple dance--or so I thought) into my Recreation Therapy. And this was me recording myself to see what moves I liked and trying to decide how I would put the moves together. These shots are in the middle of several moves that I tried. I have not run this new group idea with any patients yet. It's a work in progress.

THANK YOU!

Hi! My name is Cami. And on this blog, I am known for sharing about some of my social experiments. If you received a QR code that led you to this blog post, that means one or two of two things. That means that you have directly impacted my life for good and/or have impacted the life of someone who has impacted my life for good. Either way, you have impacted my life for good. I hope you know that you are awesome!

Here are some fun facts about me, specifically in relation to this "social experiment." I work in mental healthcare and have been for almost 6 years. I work with people who are at wit's end and are struggling to find hope to continue on in their journey. Sometimes, I get a little down after working every day in this type of environment. And it's a little draining to continue smiling on days that are hard, on days where kids yell at you, on days where you are bad with words, etc. 

The brain is malleable. We can change our brains to think more positively. It takes lots of time and effort, but it's possible. The purpose of this social experiment was to encourage myself to think more positively and to share that positivity with others around me. Saying "thank you" is one of the easiest ways I have found to change my perspective and goodness to others' lives. Several times, I have merely jotted down 3-5 things that I am thankful for each day in my journal. This time I wanted to share my gratitude.

So for this social experiment, I want you to continue to spread the gratitude. Share thanks with others and continue to share this post. I would love if you would comment about your experience. Who sent you a "thank you"? Who are you grateful for? How do you plan to continue to share positivity? What are some of your ideas? (Because I love hearing others' ideas to help me continue as well.) Who is someone who has truly influenced your life positively?

Time for More Quotes

Hey guys! Here are the quotes from May to August of this year. Some of them might be funny. I think I'm way funnier than I actually am. (Also, lots of quotes I write down because the other people involved laughed a lot.) Maybe some of you will enjoy something in here.

Talking about the Buzz Lightyear ride at Disneyland
Griffin: I don't like the line 'cause it smells like Buzz crack.
(I was told this was an old joke, but I laughed too hard when I heard it this time.)

Griffin: It gives you Diabetes 3.

Cami: Can you sing the whole song while breathing in?

Cami, Sabrina, and Kenzie proceed to say/sing random stuff while breathing in

Emmett: How much space is on this computer?

Cami: I would guess about 20 inches.

Emmett rolls his eyes

(It was only 18.5 inches.)

Cami: My roommates have boys, but I have pockets that my Book of Mormon can fit in.

Cami: Neither of my roommates ate a piece, so I had to eat all the cheesecake by myself.

Cami: Someone lost a lot of sandpaper. And that's rough.

Emmett: One of these years, in like 30 years, we should...

Lady at WDW to her kid: Yes, this is where the dragon farted on you.

Cami: The best picture was you picking your bum.

Emmett: I was putting trash in my pocket.

WDW trip

Sabrina: Oh it's the sterile popcorn.

Cami: Did you say sterile popcorn?

[Pause]

Sabrina: What's the word?

Cami: Stale.

Sabrina: I need to go to bed.

Cami: Well at least we know it's clean or can't have children.

Cami: I'm such an introvert, and it hurts sometimes.

Cami: You can't eat yellow snow, but the brown snow is fine. Bad tips with Cami.

Cami: It's a good thing people don't complain about womanspreading because I do it all the time.

Katie: What are Grape Nuts?

Cami: They're bran turds.

My dad to my older sister:

Cami when she saw the birthday sign: Well... that's lame.

Cami: Two-thirds of my sentences are...

[Long pause and no one can remember the last third of the sentence]

Making dinner

Sarah: I think it's done, and I hope it's good.

When my coworker and I were talking about the construction going on in our building

Cami: And then they deleted the bathroom.

While making a bunch of small, ugly dolls for a prank

Cami: When the Prophet said, "God loves effort," is this what he meant?

Kenzie: That's the funniest thing I've heard all day.

My coworker, busting into the office: I didn't even poop!

Sabrina: It all started when she made me a diaper.

Talking about turning 45

Coworker: What?! Cami, you still have like 85 years to go.

Patient: Bye despicable lady.

Cami: Bye less despicable adolescent.

Talking about my uncle in Australia

Aunt: Do you have his number?

Cami: Does he have an iphone?

Aunt: Well, it's a weird number.

Cami: [Pause] Does he have an iphone?

Music Changes My Life

I have a fun story for all y'all. I come from a very talented family, and being the easily distracted wild child that I am, I have always been just mediocre. As a teenager, my family tried to get me to play the organ. My grandma played, and my aunt plays, and my sister plays. I refused because it was just another thing for me to be mediocre at, especially compared to family. So, I touched an organ probably three times without  playing anything at all. My poor grandma and older sister had to deal with my being a booger while my grandma tried to teach the both of us. But I refused.

God saw and said, "Ha ha ha, watch this."

And as an 18-year-old, I was made the organist in my college ward. And I have now played the organ in four of my wards in the last 10 years. So, moral of the story is God's got jokes.

Besides my rise to mediocrity in organism (hahahaha, yes!), okay in organ playing, music has become an interesting tool in my life. I never thought as a child that I would go far with music. And really I haven't, but it's one of my talents that has gotten me to different places. Music is one of those things that I have used to express my emotions and to soothe my emotions. Music is meant to make you feel. And music is meant to help you heal.

2018 Christmas Concert

I have been feeling lonely quite a bit lately. And I'm terrible at asking for a friend. So the other day I turned on my Christmas music. Sometimes I say Christmas music is my favorite as a joke.  (It's not a joke.) And, guess what! The song that came on was "He is Born" by David Archuleta.  The last verse says,

Stepping down from Heaven's throne

To show us that we're not alone

The truest love, a single light

The Son of God, Christmas Night.

I have had many experiences, too many to count, where music was the way God spoke to me. Sometimes it has been just the right message at the right time. Sometimes it has been a specific verse from a favorite hymn coming to my mind. Sometimes it has been the warm feeling everyone talks about during a hymn. Sometimes it has been playing piano is the only thing to calm me down. Sometimes it's playing a piece over and over again with several mistakes and the best version being at the meeting it has been prepared for. God has sent angels to help me with my music. I'm still not super great, but music has helped me find the beauty in the world and come closer to God.

I'm thankful for all the times I have been able to serve in church through music. It's been one of the biggest ways I have worked in church since I was 12. And most likely it will be how I continue to work in the church. Luckily, I have learned a few things over the years and am better than I was as a 14-year-old doing random stuff on the Seminary piano. Humility comes quickly to those who must play in front of everybody.

God speaks to us individually. How does God speak to you?

Okay, one last fun story. My first year playing the organ, I played the three verses of the song and then sat at the organ waiting for the person who was designated to come up and say the prayer. I just sat there for 15-20 seconds, and then I looked at the chorister. She whispered, "There's a fourth verse." I said, "Sorry!" and continued with the fourth verse. The congregation sung the fourth verse and then the prayer person came up. One of the bishopric members shared that story throughout the rest of the year and would tell the congregation, "Most of the time, we just need people who are willing to say, 'Sorry,' and then keep on going." I became a great lesson to that ward. As stated above, humility comes quickly when you're in front of everybody.

Miracles Great and Unexpected

This morning I was listening to Ronald Rasband's talk "Behold! I Am a God of Miracles." I listened with a particular miracle in mind that I have been praying for for a while. And Elder Rasband said, "Through faith, the miracle will come, though not necessarily on our timetable or with the resolution we desired. Does that mean we are less than faithful or do not merit His intervention? No. We are beloved of the Lord. He gave His life for us, and His Atonement continues to release us from burdens and sin as we repent and draw close to Him."

He continued to share a few examples of how people have received miracles that they were not expecting or received a different miracle than what they had hoped. Among these examples was an example of those who mocked Christ to come off the cross, which he could have done and would have been a miracle. The greater miracle was the fact that He stayed on that cross and suffered death, so that all humans could live again and be free of the sins and stains of this world. It was a much greater miracle than what the people taunted.

The day I get married will be a miracle. Nothing short of Divine miraculous wonder will be the day I get married. And I pray for that miracle. In the past few years though, I have found that my not being married is actually more miraculous than if I currently were married. It hurts sometimes, but I know that it is the will of God. I thought of the miracles I have seen in the last few years. I want to share a few things that have happened. And this might be very personal to some of the people who read my blog, but I want to let you know that I have been truly blessed because of you.

I have been told an inordinate number of times in my life that I was either the reason someone did not kill themselves or was the reason they were glad that their attempts were not successful. I have had the opportunity to be there at times when people were seriously contemplating killing themselves. This has happened in my work and in my personal life. And in many of these cases, if I were married, I most likely would not have been there for those people. Maybe someone else could have or would have been there, but for some reason God let me. And I'm so glad that He did.

I have seen so many of these friends, family, and patients continue with life and have greater joys come into their life because they continued on. And I have received so much joy from them. I am able to see several of you experience the great happinesses and adventures that life has to offer, and because of that I also receive happiness.

So as Rasband's talk wrapped up, I found myself standing in front of my bathroom mirror crying. I stared at the crazy-haired girl that sometimes feels aimless and wishes for different circumstances, and I realized that I was a miracle. I, a single girl, am a miracle. And I just stared and cried and realized how much I am. Lots of times we think miracles are for changing what's going on, but really the miracles are the fact that we are able to do so much. The miracle is that Jesus Christ died and suffered in Gethsemane for us and made it possible for us to access His power and find peace and joy. The miracle is that we sometimes see just how much power God gives us and how many people are allowed to come into our lives. Sometimes the miracle is that we find worth in ourselves.

I know I don't look like much. I know that this is a terrible picture of me. However, it's literally what I was staring at as I was crying to myself this morning about wanted and unreceived miracles and unexpected yet heart-wrenching and -warming miracles.

You are a miracle. Even if you take awkward bathroom selfies and have crazy hair. You are a miracle because you are His and have the capability of accessing the power of God and the Atonement of Jesus Christ. You are a miracle because you choose to keep on moving forward. You are a miracle.

The Dole Whips of Singlehood

My family had been planning a Disneyland 2020 trip for a few years. So, at the beginning of 2019, I said that if I wasn't married by the Disneyland trip, I would buy myself seven dole whips (blog post link for proof here). I'm apparently the type of person who eats her feelings. The reward for getting married was being married even though my family members tried to convince me it was to buy eight Dole Whips. As of the end of December 2019 when my family started our Disneyland trip, I was not married and had to buy myself seven Dole Whips. It has now taken me almost a year and a half to finally get those Dole Whips. I completed my quest this week. Here are my Dole Whips and photogenic self. Despite the faces, I enjoyed all of them.

Number 1: Lemon with Blue Raspberry slush that was pretty good despite it being lemon flavored. My brother had to help me eat it.

Number 2: Pineapple-Raspberry swirl. It was good. I wish I had tried a few more swirl flavors.

Number 3: Pineapple. The OG. It was delicious.

Number 4: Coconut with Pineapple juice. My brother and I found a bunch of Dole floats at Disney World. This is by far my favorite. The coconut dole whip is fantastic. And mixed with pineapple juice is amazing. If you ever go to Disney World, this is the float you must get.

Number 5: Pineapple. You can't go wrong with the pineapple. Except I cut my tongue on the plastic cup.

Number 6: Pineapple with Watermelon, Strawberry, and Coconut syrup. Not my favorite but good to try once. I couldn't really taste specifically watermelon, strawberry, or coconut, just kind of weird flavor mixed with the pineapple.

Number 7: Orange with Strawberry Fanta. It was delicious. I forgot that I like strawberry Fanta.

Well, if you wanted to know why I'm single it's because I only eat sugar and spend all my money going to Disney parks. Okay, that's not the reason, but it probably doesn't help. Thanks for looking at my weird pictures.

Before I get into the real content of this post, I just wanted to let you all know that the subscribe by email function that I have had on this blog will be discontinued. I was trying to find another way for my followers to get my blog by email, and so I did some quick research and found out that I only had 4 followers anyway, and one of them is the wrong address, and two of the other followers are my brothers, so really I have one follower who probably wouldn't get my blog posts otherwise. So, no need to fear. The discontinuation of the follower widget will not affect my reach to you guys. I literally reach no one.  So that was a great discovery. The only way people know I have a blog is by word of mouth and social media posts.

An Empowered Woman of God

The thought for this post has come from several conversations I have had over the last few months and seeing posts about people leaving church, especially from women. 

I've had a pretty easy life. I haven't gone through a ton of hardship, so this post may seem very inconsequential to those who have had a lot of hardships, trials, and oppressions.

In regards to my gender, or my sex, I am female. I was a female when I was born and shall remain a female until I die (and beyond). I cannot say that I understand transgender thought or feeling because I honestly have no idea what being female should feel like.  The only thing I can think of is I feel the pain and emotional turmoil that accompanies bleeding once a month. Other than that, I literally just see myself as a person. And maybe it's less of a feeling rather than a knowing, in which case, I know I am a female.

I was raised in a fairly conservative family. To me, that means that all children in my home were raised being told that if they worked hard, they would reap rewards of that work. Boys were raised as boys, and girls were raised as girls. For my sisters and me, this means I was raised to learn how to cook, sew, clean, play instruments, garden, mow the lawn, play sports, build things, squish bugs, pitch a tent, etc. For my brothers, it was the same thing. We were all taught to do the same stuff.

I have a brother, who if you took me and him, the society's so-called gender roles and standards and whatnot would say that we had gotten our roles reversed. My brother is the tender, home-making child, and I am the aggressive, play-in-the-mud child. And that doesn't make either of us less boy or less girl. We were lucky to grow up in a home where we were allowed to be ourselves.

I was taught that we are all children of God. And that someday we can become like God if we put in the work and use the Grace and Atonement of Jesus Christ. God is no respecter of persons (Acts 10:34). All are welcome to come to Him and to be like Him.

With all this said, men and women are different and have different roles. Every person is meant to use their specific talents to help and lift each other. In the church, men receive the Priesthood and women do not. This does not mean that women do not have authority. Women very much are expected to work with Priesthood authority to bless the lives of others. The Priesthood is an unselfish power and can only be used to bless others; one cannot bless himself with his own Priesthood power (with a few exceptions such as blessing the bread for the sacrament which one will take for himself and other random things).

In the latest General Conference, Elder Holland quoted the late Prophet Gordon B. Hinckley:

 ' "How tragic and utterly disgusting a phenomenon is wife abuse," he said. "Any man in this Church who abuses his wife, who demeans her, who insults her, who exercises unrighteous dominion over her is unworthy to hold the priesthood. ... [He] is unworthy to hold a temple recommend." Equally despicable, he said, was any form of child abuse--or any other kind of abuse.'

For more about worthiness to hold the Priesthood, here is President Hinckley's talk.

I feel like there is a lot I could add and there is so much more that people have questions about and that people have concerns about. However, the following is my testimony. The following is what I know for myself.

God has a purpose for me. I know what to do and where to go because I use my agency, and I also consult with God. I feel empowered and feel like I can do whatever He asks me to because it is His power, His Priesthood, that gives me strength to do what He needs me to. I am female and am a strong woman of God. And even though I don't always meet society's standards of womanhood, I meet God's and am exactly who He has intended me to be. He works with my strengths instead of mauling me with my imperfections. Just because I am a woman, I am not less than man, and I am needed just as much as man. We're different. And we are the same. It's really contradictory, but life isn't meant to be super easy to explain. I don't like I have any less power to accomplish my goals than if I were a man. I am a woman, and I feel empowered because I know what I want and trust in God.

God has a purpose for you. I know it. He knows you and wants you to know Him. We also have a loving Heavenly Mother, who unfortunately I haven't actually taken the time to know as well. But She loves you too. She is looking out for you. She loves you and wants you to return to Her. She is helping you out more than you know. And you are a blessed child of Mom and Dad.