Hear Him

I believe that God speaks to us more than we might think or more than we actually hear. It is our responsibility to understand how God speaks to us. And it is our privilege to receive words from God. He has infinite love and inspiration to pour out to us.

As an adult, however brief that time has been, I have experienced hearing Him as I have made the decision to go to college. Growing up, I never wanted to go to BYU. As I applied to schools in my senior year of high school, I applied to BYU just because I knew it was a good idea to apply to multiple schools. I was definitely going to ASU though; that was the only school I ever thought I was going to go to. When I got accepted to BYU, I knew without a doubt that I was going to BYU. There is no explanation as to why I knew this. It just felt right. It was the only school that I felt like going to. It was an indescribable and unprecedented knowledge.

A year or so after graduating from BYU, I was trying to make a few decisions about my life. I wanted to move back to Arizona. I was praying about whether to stay in Utah or Arizona. (Up to this point, the answer was always to stay in Utah, so that's what I was expecting.) I didn't really get an answer either way. At that time, the only thing I knew for sure was that I needed to go to college again. There was no way to explain why this was what I should do. I didn't even have a program of study that I was planning on doing. I had been looking at Marriage and Family Therapy, Recreation Therapy, Recreation Management, and Education programs. I had no idea what I was going to study, but I knew that I was going to go back to school. It was the only thing that felt right among all the decisions I was making at the time.

I wanted to take a picture of my tassels just to have a picture for this post. However, when I was taking the picture the temple picture was right next to my tassels. I felt it was rather appropriate because the temple is a great place to hear God.

I believe that God speaks to us more than we might think. How do you Hear Him?

Team Cami

This blog post is part of a family reunion scavenger hunt, of which one of the categories is titled Team Cami (Kit made me do it).

In the summer of 2017, I was the "coach" of a champion kickball team. We didn't really have a name to start, and somehow the name Team Cami stuck. My teammates said that we needed to have shirts with my face and a fun slogan on it. There were several slogans thrown out. I decided that I would create a Team Cami shirt, so there wouldn't be one made with my face on it.

From there, team members entered into a doubles tennis tournament as teams named "Team Cami" and "Team Cami OG." I, however, entered the tournament as part of a different team named after another running joke among friends.

In November, I did my first Turkey Trot as an official member of Team Cami.

My aunt saw the shirt and said that she needed one.  And so, unbeknownst to me, she set about making Team Cami shirts for the whole family, with the help of another aunt.

And as a Christmas present from my aunts, I received a box of Team Cami shirts.  And several of my family members received Team Cami shirts.

Since then, I have attended other Turkey Trots with more than just me as a Team Cami member.

And a few babies have been born into the Team Cami family.

Within the last year, I have thought about making Team Cami Shirts Third Edition. My brother and I are currently working on a new design. If you are interested in possibly owning a Team Cami shirt, please answer the survey below.  The design isn't done, and if there isn't any interest, then I might not even make a shirt.

As of right now, I am doing a virtual family reunion. We are doing a scavenger hunt with 6 categories of tasks.  One of the categories is Team Cami (Kit made me do it). I didn't want to seem like a narcissist, like I keep seeming. So Kit told me to add "Kit made me do it" to the category title.  And my team's name is now Team Cami (Kit Made Me Do It). Family is fun and sometimes does really well at boosting self-confidence.  I'm thankful I have a family who is willing to participate in fun and weird memories.  Thanks family!

Survey of T-shirt Interest:

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSf71cez4iGAaKLGmaeW5mzXCI0NjJmVkhvJyT9eVoq07Az-7A/viewform?usp=sf_link

Prejudice, Privilege, and Spiritual Promptings

I prayed, and God told me to be kind and share my story. This is my attempt to do so.

As an elementary school student, I went to a school with a good percentage of Hispanic kids. At recess, some of the Hispanic girls would point at me (and my sister had this too), and they would laugh and speak in Spanish, so I couldn't understand. Kids are mean sometimes. And I always had low self-worth, so it just established my fear that people don't like me.

In high school, there was a Mexican boy who refused to call me by my name. He referred to me as "white girl" or "whitie." Lots of times I would just say, "I'm darker than you." I said this because he was rather pale, and I tan easily, so my skin actually was darker than his. He was annoying.  There was also a Korean boy that called all girls fat, except for me; he told me that I looked 50 years old. He was in my Biology class and would flip the textbook open to the picture of a penis. Every day. When it actually time to learn about the reproductive systems, we were also given packets. So, he would flip the packet and the textbook open, so there would be multiple pictures of penises on my desk. I wasn't super fond of that. He also was in my chemistry class the next year. One day, he grabbed my desk while I was sitting in it and flipped it over, so I was tossed to the ground. I just was lying on the ground with my desk next to me on its side and the teacher just stared at me. I got up and flipped my desk back over, sat back in my desk, folded my arms, and put my head down. And no one did a thing. Everyone just watched.

In college, I danced in the lu'au every year. And there were always the comments that the Polynesian dancers were looking too white. It was a lu'au to help fund multicultural students, and I helped get tickets sold by dancing, and most of my Polynesian friends loved that I was participating. One year, I had one friend while in the group, a Hawaiian girl. She confided in me that she was sometimes rejected from other Polynesian groups because she looked too white. We were both ignored a lot that year because we were too "white and skinny."

At work, I have been confronted by lots of kids who tell me that they hate all white people. They tell me that I'm racist because I remind them of the rules and expect them to improve unhealthy behaviors. They tell me they want to fight me because I'm white.

I've been hearing the word privilege again a lot lately, usually with the word white in front. I ran into the word 'privilege' while I was listening to talks from church leaders. Joy D. Jones mentioned the Prophet Joseph Smith telling the women of the church, "If you live up to your privilege, the angels cannot be restrain'd." And it made me think a lot about what is happening today and what happened during that time.

The history of the church is wrought with persecution.  People were tarred and feathered, shot in their own homes, and dragged out into the cold.  The people were beaten and killed in front of their own spouses, siblings, parents, and even children.  Their buildings were burned, and they were told to leave.  Yet, Joseph Smith told the women to live up to their privilege. It might have seemed hard to think about privilege when the people of Christ's church were being oppressed.  The law was technically set forth for the freedom of religion, and yet the leaders of the country disowned them and even ordered them out and/or killed.  So what privilege did they have?  What was Joseph Smith even talking about?

Women have the natural capacity of charity, according to the Relief Society notes.  They had strength in numbers and had the privilege to come to the aid of each other.  They aided each other by bringing each other food, caring for one another's children while work had to be done, and helping with the work.  They helped mend clothing and build homes.  They even shared their homes when needed.  They had the ability to teach their children how to love instead of hate.  They taught their children what silent strength was.  And I am a descendant of these women.

I come from a long line of strong women and men.  I have been taught and shown how to help others and to discern others' needs.  I have watched grandmothers take care of the sick and needy when they were also sick and needy.  I saw my grandmothers save and earn to give themselves and the people around them more than what they had before.  I've read the stories of grandmothers who were rejected by family and yet believed in love and caring for others.  I watched my mother be inclusive to everyone and my dad also be inclusive.  I can't say they're all perfect, but they have put in effort to make the world a better place.

I saw a sign the other day in a protest that said, "Silence is violence."  And I have to say I wholeheartedly disagree.  My ancestors have been a demonstration of silent strength.  There is a time to speak up, and sometimes the action is being taken by those who haven't said a word at all. Those who do instead of just say are some of the greatest unsung heroes.

So, let's all use our privilege.  Everyone has some type of privilege.  I've had the privilege of growing up in a home where learning was highly valued.  I had the privilege of growing up in a home where unkind things were not supposed to be said.  I got in trouble a lot for that. I grew up in a home where we were taught how to work hard and be diligent.  I'm not perfect, but I've made great changes in my life.  And I can do better.  I am willing to change, and I hope that I am kind.

"The Lord loves effort, and effort brings rewards." -- Joy D Jones

"Have Courage and Be Kind" -- Cinderella's Mother

I have always loved fairy tales.  Every time I was at my grandma's home, I would find her giant book of fairy tales.  Some of these tales were a little different from the tales shown in Disney films.  I loved the story of the little mermaid who turned into sea foam because the man of her dreams did not marry her.  I loved the story of Rapunzel, where the man falls into thorn bushes and is blinded by the thorns.  And then Rapunzel heals his eyes with her tears.  I also enjoyed reading Cinderella; however, I always imagined that I was just another ugly stepsister.

In the tales of Cinderella, no one can fit into the shoe that Cinderella wears to the ball.  Many of the tales explain that Cinderella's feet were small.  And it even says that the stepsisters had large feet.  The ugly stepsisters have even been known to cut off their toes or their heels to try and fit into the glass slippers.  I truly felt I was an ugly stepsister because I had large feet.  I started wearing men's shoes in 3rd or 4th grade because men's shoes just fit so much better.  I have even gotten comments from people imagining how much of a difference it would make if I also chopped off my toes.  For other musings on this subject, I suggest Shoe Shopping and Bigfoot's Sister.

For some reason, many of the versions of Cinderella made it seem as though if you had big feet and weren't talented at singing or playing an instrument, you were ugly, annoying, and evil.  So, I often just believed I was along the lines of the ugly stepsister.  I was 7-11 years old as I was thinking these unfortunate thoughts.  I think it's just a developmentally not cognizant of lots of other things going on around me situation. As I grew up, I've humorously said that I am the ugly stepsister.  One would think that gaining a stepmother of my own, I would suddenly transform into the Cinderella, but that is not the case.  My big feet will never allow me to truly become a Cinderella.  I did read a book titled "Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister" and actually quite enjoyed it.

Just a picture I thought was "ugly stepsister" worthy.

One of my favorite renditions of Cinderella has been Disney's 2015 live-action movie. The shoe is merely enchanted to never fit on anyone besides Cinderella.  And the great theme of the movie is "Have courage and be kind."  Having courage and being kind is not easy.  As a stepsister, I have had many moments where I wasn't courageous or kind. I have been quite "ugly" in my behavior.  And I have been rebuked for that.  Even in the movie, there is a time where Cinderella says that she can no longer have courage and be kind.  Cinderella almost becomes an ugly stepsister.  Of course, because it is a fairy tale, Cinderella cannot actually no longer be Cinderella; she must keep her resolve and face the sorrow.

Having courage and being kind gives hope to the once-thought ugly stepsister.  I have loved that in many versions of the tale, at least one stepsister has courage and steps away from the tormenting of her mother and sister.  She has been known even to help Cinderella in some cases.  Sometimes the stepsister can become a Cinderella.  She can find her own story and change.  She becomes just a stepsister; she's ugly no longer.  And that is the hope of the ugly stepsister: perhaps we can become less ugly.  Perhaps we can even be the Cinderella.  It's difficult, and we can have courage and be kind.  So, here's to magical transformations and believing in ourselves and maybe even the help of an unexpected "fairy godmother."

"Have courage, and be kind,"  --Cinderella's Mom

Quotes: Movies Edition

Griffin: Is Napoleon Dynamite a time travel movie?  Because Uncle Rico tries to time travel.  He's my favorite time traveler.


Cami:

Griffin: You're too dark to be Princess Leia.

Makenna: What happened to Tortimer?

Cami: He finally turned 300 years old and died.  He taught some kids Kung Fu and drifted away with some peach blossoms.
Makenna: That is not  Tortimer.

Tortimer?

Griffin: Guardians of the Galaxy

Makenna: What?!

Griffin: Kardashians of the Galaxy

Sorry there ain't much folks.  Maybe I will record more next year.

Your Mom

Last year, I did a survey about Mother's Day.  There were two questions: 1) Do you like Mother's Day? and 2) Why?  Twenty-five people answered my survey, and about 1/3 of people said they did not like Mother's Day, and two people said they were indifferent.  I wanted to share a few insights from that survey.  All answers were anonymous, so I don't even know who wrote what.

Disliking Mother's Day

• "I have a terrible relationship with my mother."

• "My mother passed away when I was six. The day represents loss for me."

• "I feel it's a mockery when my mom is dead, and my stepmom is manipulative and doesn't give a damn about us."

• "Everyone gets so caught up trying to value motherhood as a universal truth for all women. Not everyone will be a mom or wants to be a mom. For that group of women, mother's day sucks."

• "Because I miss my mom. A lot. And the constant reminders that she isn't there kinda really hurt."

• "It makes me sad and feel insecure as a Mother"

Liking Mother's Day

• "It's the day we're encouraged to celebrate the people who are so often the invisible foundations of our lives."

• "My mom is one of my favorite people on this Earth. I appreciate any day that I can shower her with some of the love and presents she deserves."

• "People don't often show appreciation for their mothers and take them for granted."

• "Because moms are the best"

• "Because motherhood is something unique. When you become a mom your world is not the same and you no longer belong to yourself."

• "Motherhood is so selfless and too many people look over how important it is. Even for those who do not have good biological examples of motherhood, there are so many women who help mother us and should also be honored and recognized for that."

Take it as you will.  There was only one thing that I wanted to address that was brought up among someone who likes Mother's Day.  They said that people who have lost children make Mother's Day feel less special when they also want to be celebrated.  I whole-heartedly disagree with this.  If a mother has lost a child, that does not take away any of the work that that mother has given.  That does not erase the fact that she is a mother.

With all that said, I feel that I have grown quite a bit since last Mother's Day.  Last year, I believed that my mother hated me.  And so I had very hard feelings toward my mother last year.  And because she is gone, I cannot ask her.  This year, I don't believe she hated me.  I believe that I was a rough child to have, but I don't think she hated me.  I think as we live life, there are just things that we have to learn and that we eventually can overcome through time and help.  I still am not the greatest fan of Mother's Day, but I'm not as depressed about it this year as I was last year.  I'm still going to have to grow more to be okay with Mother's Day.

I appreciate everyone's honest answers.  I hope you are all doing well.  

Genuine Kindness

I know I'm not the daughter that my mom wished of having.  I'm still a mess.  I'm still the wild child, the daredevil with cuts and bruises, the kid who says inappropriate things and makes jokes at inappropriate times, and the kid who riles her siblings.  However, I would hope that someday I could emulate at least one of my mom's attributes: genuine kindness.  My mom tried to be inclusive of everyone, no matter what they said, what they looked like, or what they believed.  My mom sought out the forgotten and encouraged her children to do the same as well.  My mom reached out to those who needed a little extra help, comfort, or compassion.  And I try to do the same.  I believe that all people are deserving of kindness.  You never know how much someone's life will change because one person believed in them or showed them that they are worth of being loved.

My mom strove for genuine kindness for others and inclusion for all.  I know my mom wasn't perfect, but she was a good person.  Happy Birthday Mom!

P.S. This is literally the only picture I have of my mom and me.  If anyone has digital copies of pictures of my mom that I can have, could you send them to me?  Please and thank you.

2020 First Quarter Quotes--We ain't Dead Yet

Emmett: I'm gonna die of betes after this trip.


Emmett: You know what they should do?!
Cami: Poop their pants?
Emmett: That's it! You got me.
Cami: What?
Emmett: I just wanted to see what you would say.  It did not disappoint.


Quote of the day for January 9, when my aunt and I were trying to find a climbing route and a hiking trail: "Is this a trail?"


Talking about guards on hair clippers
Griffin: If you get a 1, that makes you a 1.


Cherise:  He's got a heart of gold and a fake tooth.


Griffin: Baby, just go torture Cami.


Griffin: Dear diary, Chicken nugget!


Griffin: I graduated guys.  It was . . . (pause) . . . thank you so much.


Dad: You don't know what "Man from Snowy River" is?
Makenna: Is that where the twins have to race? One of them is an evil twin?
Cami: That sounds like a Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen movie.

Making Happiness

I needed more milk this week, so I went to one of the neighborhood grocery stores near my home.  I couldn't help but chuckle as I walked past all the rows of empty shelves.  I thought it was so funny to see the product of mass hysteria, mostly because I just wonder why people are so scared.  And by saying this I feel like I give off a type of persona best put in this meme from long ago.

I sometimes think this meme is used to describe me at other times anyway; I can have a very dark sense of humor.  I apologize if it puts anyone on edge whenever they are around me.  I haven't done anything terribly awful.  And in good news, it's been a few years since I have punched someone besides my brother.

Now that I have gone on my first tangent, I will return to chuckling at empty shelves (and trying to keep it silent, so people around me don't think I am out of my mind).  Also, I know that it really is of concern that there are supplies that people need that they cannot get.  With that said, I'm not treating this whole Coronavirus thing as a joke, but I'm also not letting it get me down. 

I have been asked several times in my life how I can be so happy when bad or unfortunate stuff has happened to me or how I can have so much faith.  And as I reflect on how I can joke about things so much and find random things amusing or still be so happy when it seems the world is breaking down, I have come to find that there are two things that I truly rely on: a personal relationship with God and making my life as I want it.

A Personal Relationship with God

I know a lot of you know this, but I just thought I would share my experience again.  In 2009, when I was 15, my mom died.  It was very sudden.  She was checked into a hospital and diagnosed with Leukemia, and then a week and two days later, she was gone.  Between then and age 19, I learned to have a very good relationship with God.  Though I had so much family, church members, friends, and neighbors around me trying to support me, there was a lot of stuff that was said that was not comforting and even detrimental to an already hurting spirit.  I relied only on God for any self-worth and understanding to what I was going through.  I talked to God more than I talked to any other person.  As I talked to God, He talked to me too.  My self-esteem grew, and I came to know my worth.  I learned that God talks to us a lot more than we might think He does.  He knows infinitely more than we do, and guess what, it's gonna be okay.  We're gonna live.  And if we don't, then we're gonna be back with God, which is okay.  So it's all okay.  God knows what He is doing, believe it or not.

Provo, Utah (or birthday cake) Temple

Making My Own Life

I have always been an adventurous kid.  And I hate being another cliche; I must be my own person, or else what is the point.  Throughout my time as an undergraduate student, I had to take a few classes that involved positive psychology.  And I learned that our happiness is supposedly 50% genetic, 10% our circumstances, and 40% our choice.  So, this means that we determine almost half of our happiness.  We get to choose whether or not we are going to be happy.  But here's the great part: I don't know if these stats are true, so it might be more.  And, there's this other theory of epigenetics, which means that our environment and choices can turn on and off various aspects of our genetic code.  So that means that we can still do stuff to affect our 50% of genetic happiness.  Basically, we can decide to be happy.  Now, I'm not saying there is no such thing as depression and anxiety.  There is definitely that, but I think that we can make choices that will affect how much those illnesses wreak havoc on our minds and bodies.

I choose to see life as an adventure and a series of opportunities that we can take.  I would love to experience many of the things that life has to offer, and I choose to see my life as opportunities that have already been given and taken.  How many people have the experience of losing a loved one on their bucket list?  Probably no one, or at least not many.  That's a sad thing, but having experienced it, I am grateful for all of life's possible experiences.  I've been on many adventures, and I intend to keep going.  And that's why I laugh and cry and find happiness and create happiness.  I choose to make my life, instead of fearing it.  I still fear some things, but it doesn't always hold me back.  I like doing things that I am afraid of (for the most part).  I think it makes me look cool.

Doing Something that Terrifies Me

Life is what you make it.  I choose to laugh in times that are hard.  Laughing also has a higher chance of making someone else laugh than being a Debby Downer.  So you might just lighten someone else's load along the way.

Keep Moving Forward

I want to say that life is so interesting.  And it's an adventure.  There are a ton of times when I think that I have nothing to show for how long I have lived on this earth.  I think that I should already have my career and have something stable in my life.  And I just don't.  My life has taken so many turns in the last two years, that I just feel like I have nothing.  And the thing about life is that I'm gonna be reading my journals 20 years from now, or maybe even 5 years from now, and I'll think about how all this fretting and worrying and believing I have nothing was worthless.  I will have gone through these struggles and realized that God was there the entire time and made me do these things that are scary because He knows that I need to be tougher.  He knows that I need to grow up and actually become what He wants me to become.  And 5-20 years from now when I'm reading my journal, I will be cracking up about all the little things that I was worried about.  (And because I'm funny.  My journals are hilarious.  But that's besides the point.  My sister can vouch for my weird journal entries though.)

God is mindful of you because you are His child.  He has called you to do a great work because He believes in you.  I loved a thought that was shared in a fireside tonight by Elder Alliaud, that we feel inadequate because we are.  And God calls us to go through things even though we have inadequacies and sometimes because of our specific inadequacies.  And I think that is truth.  God knows our weaknesses, and He intends to use them for our good.

God has a plan for you, and it's different from your own plan.  'Cause guess what: this girl from 2009 thought she was going to graduate with an undergraduate degree and then be a math or science teacher for the rest of her life.

And this girl in 2019 was working on a Master's degree in Parks and Recreation Management.  And she had taught kids how to ski, snowboard, and rappel, which is something that girl from 2009 didn't even know how to do.

And in 2029, I'll have done who knows what, but maybe I will finally look like an adult.

I can tell you one thing that has been consistent all my life.  God has always been there and has always been willing to hear and answer my prayers.  His answers have often not been ones that I wanted and often delayed, so I can learn something.  And I hate it.  I've always had an interesting relationship with God, but I have learned more about Him and myself by finding where He wants me to go.  I haven't found that God has ever turned me away when I have sought Him.  And He has never told me I'm not allowed to find peace, even on the days when peace is hard to find.  God's there.  Talk to Him.  He wants to hear from you.

End the Stigma

I love these end the stigma quotes, memes, and videos.  Because they say to treat mental illness like physical illness.  And they say that seeing a therapist or counselor should be just as normal as seeing a doctor.  And let me tell ya, you should see a therapist.  You should see a counselor.  Those aren't bad things.

But I'm also over here thinking, I haven't been to a doctor for 7 years.  When I get hurt or sick, and my friends tell me I'm gonna die, I just say, "I'll walk it off."

So here's to walking it off.  We all heal in different ways.

Of Yoda's Species

It's no surprise that Baby Yoda has taken over much of the internet.  What may be a surprise is that I often get jokes from my cousins that I must be of Baby Yoda's species or that I will look like Baby Yoda when I am 50.  This stems from my "youthful" appearance, but mostly from an experience we had a few years ago.

Once upon a time, when I was still in my mid-20s, I visited my aunt and uncle and cousins over the summer.  We went to a restaurant while I was visiting.  When the waitress asked for my order, I ordered a normal meal.  And then she turned to my uncle and asked, "Can she order off the adult menu?"  My uncle was confused but said yes, so I was allowed to eat an adult meal.  We joked about it during dinner and were wondering how old the waitress thought I was.  The funny thing about it was that she was probably younger than me as well.

My cousins all ordered from the not adult menu, and each kids' meal comes with a sundae.  So, near the end of the dinner, the waitress brings out the sundaes.  And she gave me one and said, "I ordered one for you too, so you wouldn't feel left out."  So I ate my sundae as the 12-year-old she thought I was.

Eating the free kiddie sundae

My aunt, uncle, and cousins now have a running joke that I am actually the oldest kid in that family.  So whenever my cousins are arguing who is the favorite child, I have to put in a vote for myself. This year, we finally got family pictures with all four children, and I was sent the family Christmas card.

Front of Christmas Card

Back of Christmas Card

In conclusion, "Species age differently."  And "perhaps [I] could live many centuries."

2019 End of Year Quotes

Emmett: It's not even chocolate chip; it's chocolate hunk.

Cami: I needed a hunk in my life.  That's why I bought them.

Griffin: I didn't even sit down hard.  The chair's just being dramatic.

After I do almost anything

Cami:  That probably wasn't a good idea.  But it happened.  There's no taking it back now.

(Actually it was after I tossed my external hard drive on the ground.  (It's okay.))

As I trip on something in my room in the dark

Cami sings:  There's something there that wasn't there before.

Kayda: My knee pits be sweaty.

Kolby: I am thinking of an animal.  And you have to ask questions to figure out what it is.

Ellany:  Is it a female?

Cami:  I do also should probably need to ..  Wow, that was a bad sentence.

Cami: Oh! My pringles.  My loves.

(It was at this point that I realized that "single and ready to eat a pringle" never applied more in my life.)

Megan: What time is Thanksgiving tomorrow?

Griffin: It's the whole day.

Griffin: I got confused, so I took a nap.

Grandpa explaining all of his meds: And I have one for my heart.  Oh, I mean my memory.

Kayda: He's a cute 50-year-old.  I don't say that often.

(talking about baby Yoda)

Josh (in a terrible British accent): I felt that Cami.

Cami: Ew, no, I'm not a commie.

Cami sneezes once

Cami: What the!

Maren: You okay in there?

Cami: Yeah, I'm just surprised that nothing came after the first sneeze.  You just witnessed a miracle.

Maren:  It's a Christmas miracle!

Journals and Healing

As a Recreation Therapist, I use experiential learning to lead people to healing.  I help in the healing process of other people, and yet I don't take the time to heal myself.  I do pretty well at grinning and bearing it until someone asks me questions about my life.  And too many people have had the experience of hearing me complain or be depressing when explaining my life.  I really haven't taken the time to let myself heal from things in my past.  Yet, somehow, I had a healing experience this year because of something that I have taken the time to do over years and years of my life.

Over the course of 18 years, I have written in 14 journals (granted some of them could probably be combined because my handwriting was huge as a 10-year-old).  I love journals.  About ever other year, I ask for a journal for Christmas.  That Christmas present will get used guaranteed.

During the middle of this year, I decided to read through all of my journals.  It was quite entertaining.  I am such a weird kid.  And I apologize to anyone who knew me between the ages of 10 and 13.  I was just awkward.  Not that I'm not awkward now, but that awkwardness is just embarrassing, and I am so glad that I have changed my ways.

Reading through all of my journals was very eye-opening.  And I had a few weeks of depression while I was reading through it because there is some tough stuff in there.  Literally, the picture below is one of my journals.

That sticky note has been on there for years, and yet I did not heed the warning.  It was rough.  And I learned some things that have been holding me back for years.  I got to re-experience things that I had terrible memories of, and in my journal, I had written positive feelings and/or pure and simple facts.  I realized that I had been beating myself up and blaming myself for things that went poorly or less than desired, and by rereading my journals, I realized that during those times, I had given my all--I had done my best, and there was nothing more I could have given.  And I can't keep blaming myself when I was doing more than was my actual capacity.  And that wound that has been open for 5+ years closed.  And hopefully other wounds will be healed in time--wounds that have been open for even longer.

So, write down the bad stuff.  I feel like a lot of people are afraid of writing down the bad stuff.  They're afraid that other people will hold them accountable for only their sad times or their hard times.  Someday, that writing of the bad stuff might not actually be bad, and it might heal.

But If Not

This blog is about dating.  And But If Nots.  Everyone's lives are filled with moments that can be But If Not moments.  So first, I'm going to state the obvious.  I'm 26.  I'm single.  And I'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I am "old" for being single in the church.  And I get a lot of interesting talks about it.  People are genuinely worried about me.  And they think that I am unhappy because I am single.  Yes, I would like to be married and be a mom.  BUT IF NOT.

But if not comes from the story of Shadrach, Mesach, and Abednego, when they are thrown into the fiery furnace because they won't worship Nebuchadnezzar's idols.  (By the way it's pronounced knee-buck-add'-nuh-zahr.)  Nebuchadnezzar taunts the three boys and, and the three boys tell Nebuchadnezzar that their God can save them.  "But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods" (Daniel 3:18).  What happens cannot shake our faith.  And a friend gave a talk about it in church earlier this year, and I loved every minute of the talk.

My grandmother loved the quote, "Our faith is not dependent on outcomes."  It was her motto that she tried to instill in all of her children and grandchildren.  It is another representation of But If Not.

I know I said this blog is about dating in the very first sentence, but really it is about promised blessings.  God makes promises to His children that keep covenants.  And really this isn't about dating, but more about marriage.  Marriage is a God-made thing.  It is a blessing and also a covenant.  Without keeping this covenant, there are some blessings that cannot be ours.  If anyone knows me, they know that I am totally devoted to God, and I seek His guidance always.  I strive to do anything that He wants me to do.  I realized that I must do God's will as a teenager, and I haven't gone back.  And so as an "old" unmarried member of the church, people are genuinely worried about me and think that I am unhappy.  It's true that sometimes I am worried about being able to make that covenant or receiving the blessings God has promised.  BUT IF NOT

I will never give up on my God.  God keeps His promises in ways that we don't understand.  And He blesses His faithful children.  My faith is not dependent on outcomes.  My faith didn't depend on the fact that my mom died.  My faith didn't and still doesn't depend on my family being healed of mental health issues.  My faith didn't depend on being able to find a job as soon as I started applying.  There are just too many things that God knows the timing of that will be most beneficial to our Eternal Lives to let us have everything that we want.

You may receive blessings in this life.  BUT IF NOT please don't throw it all away.  God works in mysterious ways.  And there is so much in store.

Also, my cousin got married last month, and I was seriously considering asking for nominations for a date to the reception.  Good thing I didn't because I still ended up with a ring.  I stole it from my cousin who's seven.  I had to give it back.