What Do You Believe and Why?

Recently, I have been thinking a lot about why I believe the things that I do.  First and foremost, I believe that God exists and that His son, Jesus Christ, came to the Earth to save all people.

I believe that through the power of God families can be together forever.  The building in the above picture is where God blesses families for forever. We make promises that connect our families together and to God.

I know that I can see my loved ones who have passed on again.  It will be one great family reunion.

Why do I believe this? Because I  have lost many people that I love and that have listened to me, I have had to find others who will listen to me and help me.  (To learn more about this, you can read Getting Married.)  And when God becomes the only one you can talk to, you get to know who He is and what He wants for you.  God has shown me His love.  He helps me be better than who I already am.  These videos express better the things that I have come to understand.

I would love to have you reply in the comments about what you believe and why.
Also, if you click the orange button to the left of this post, you can read more.

My Preferred Sport is Extreme Eating

Today, none of the normal bowls were clean.  So, the thought popped in my head that I should just use a large mixing bowl.  And once the idea was in my head, I couldn't just not do it.  So, I did.

It really helps that I spend a great number of evenings all by myself.  I maybe should get out more.  Also, I felt kind of like I would be a drunk as I was gulping down that milk.  Just look at it.  It's like half the gallon. 

Just kidding, it's only about a fifth of a gallon.  And, it was delicious.

Getting Married

Don't worry; I'm not doing that.  Yet.  It's gonna be a while.

But, the topic presents itself daily to me because the number of my roommates in serious relationships is unnaturally high, and the number of dates I have been on in the past month is unnaturally high (more than 1).  And the lessons in church have been about dating.  Boo. Unfortunately, this brings up some issues that I have tried to pretend are actually strengths.

Once upon a time, my family went through a hard time.  Everyone was trying to get through it the best they could.  Unfortunately, this also meant that feelings were rejected and counted as inappropriate or invalid.  So, the feelings got pushed down.  Hidden.  Labeled as unimportant.  Without realizing it, this also labeled people as unimportant.  Some of my siblings and I became unimportant.  Now, it wasn't anyone from the outside saying we were unimportant.  Honestly, they were trying to help.  People wanted us to feel good.  And, most of us still have good feelings inside.  But, this has led to a not so great belief system in some of us.  I would like to tell you about mine.  (This isn't me being vulnerable because I don't do that.  This is me being honest.  I also feel like I have had this conversation with quite a few people in the last few weeks, so I might as well share it.)

I don't trust people.  If you know me, you probably already know this.  I do talk to people.  And I share stories with them.  I go do fun stuff with people.  I try to help people.  But, you have probably also noticed that I don't ask people to do anything for me.  I don't try to rely on people to comfort me.  I don't accept offers of help from others.  I fix things on my own.  I am a very independent person.  I don't invite people to go places with me or do stuff with me.  That game that I played a year ago was a super gutsy thing for me to do.  But, I didn't really invite people to eat lunch with me.  I invited people to invite themselves.  So, I still have some work to do.

I also know that relationships don't last.  At least, that is what my experience tells me.  That hard time ruined most of my relationships with my family members.  It absolutely ruined them.  Relationships that I did have died, and ones that I tried to nourish never grew.  So, that's how I knew that relationships don't last.  And from all of my other experiences with making friends.  So, this is my belief system.

BUT  (and this is a big but--I like 'em, I cannot lie.  Sorry, bad joke.)

My relationship with my dad is the best it has been in eight years.  It's probably even better than it was before all the hard things.  I actually talk to him sometimes about what is going on in my life.  And, I ask him for help sometimes.  No, I still don't talk to him as often as other people talk to their parents.  And I think that is something that just comes along with being Cami.  I don't call people on the phone just to talk to them.  Sometimes, it even takes me a day or two to answer someone's text.  That's just me.

My relationships with other family members are also getting better.  I can talk to them about some of my feelings and worries about life.  However, I am still working on trusting people who are not my family members.  It's hard when after a semester is over, you are never going to see these people again.  And to tie it back to the beginning, this is why I have a hard time with dating.  My lack of trust and belief that people are just going to leave makes it hard for me to get attached to people.  I also don't want to hurt people because I know that I will be leaving.

I know that I still have to work on my trust issues, but I have hope that it will change.  Last night, I read Mosiah 15:10--"when his soul has been made an offering for sin he shall see his seed."  Though it may not necessarily be a sin, but more of a weakness, the only way that I will come to know Jesus Christ is by letting His Atonement be a part of my life.  I have to rely on Him for change.

Not typical of me, I have actually prayed constantly for confidence and about future relationships that I might have.  I believe it started this past summer.  I have heard lots of people, including Prophets and Apostles, talk about when they were single and praying about their future spouse.  And I just kind of rolled my eyes and thought, "whatever."  So, I never did that.  And, I kind of still don't.  Don't start thinking that I pray, "Please let me have a wonderful husband, who cherishes me, and is super good looking.  Please let me be a wonderful wife."  My prayers are a lot more asking that I can be good to people and be good to myself.

So, maybe I won't be getting married in the near future.  But, at least I know that I can change so that maybe someday I can.  Someday, I will trust someone enough to let them stay with me.  There's hope.  Because the force is strong with this one.  Or really the Holy Ghost.  I know that Jesus Christ did die for me and rose again, so I can become a better and more trusting person.  And I know that time heals wounds.  Like the song "Come, Ye Disconsolate" says, "Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal."  I know this.  Because I have felt it.  And I am trying to continue to feel it.  And I encourage others to feel it as well.

For some less deep words on my dating struggles, you can go read Patient Urgency.

When You Don't Know How to Invite People Over

The cat dominated.  Just look at its smug, little face.

Thought from Today

Here I was thinking I would be in Hawaii or Arizona this semester, but God decided I needed a little more humility.

The road to my internship

Random Thoughts from 2016

Well, all of these are random thoughts (or things people have said to me) that I think are so dumb, but they also crack me up.  Good thing I think I'm funny if I have to live with myself forever, right?

Just because you are a couple doesn't mean you get the right of way.  A couple was walking on a path that could easily have room for three and a half people.  So, they made sure I had room to walk on the grass to the side.

Wash your hair.  This was my sister's advice on attracting boys.

Let's be honest; I'm shallow. Part of a conversation in which I shared that I would like to be attracted to my future husband.

When boys think they are too cool to date me, I'm just like, "It's okay. I'll just be single forever."

Your meal packaging says three servings, so you're obviously going to eat the whole thing. Actually, I think the packaging of the food that I was about to eat was four servings.  I still ate all of them anyway. Pistachio pudding--it's a weakness.

If I had a quarter for every time I've said, "I love you," I'd probably have a quarter. (I thought I'd try it once.)

I am so glad to be apart of the family. I see this on Facebook all the time.  It's written by people who are trying to seem friendly, but really they hate the family.  They just want everyone to think they are nice and skip over the fact that apart means away from.  They enjoy their time away from the family.

All my roommates are talking about their significant others, and I'm just over here drawing on my hands.

Proof:

Shallmano  This one is more of a memory.  I thought this was a word until I truly understood the words of "As I have Loved You."  Children don't always know what they are singing.

Some of the scariest moments in my life are when I have a negative thought and someone asks me, "What?" And then I panic for a few seconds until I realize that I didn't say it out loud.  Truth.  I know that I have wicked thoughts, it's just scary when other people know my wicked thoughts.

You'll look like a man. This is my sister convincing me not to cut my hair.  Don't worry, I wasn't actually going to.

It's just such a good bruise I can't stop looking at it.  Just look at it!

When everyone says that I have straight, blonde hair, and then the hairs that come out of my head are black and curly: why is my hair so weird?  I had another conversation about my hair being straight the other day, maybe I should just wear my hair down, so people can see it's absurdity.

When your can'ting is so can't full that you really just can't. So you just go for a bike ride instead of homework.  I'm done with schoolwork.  My brain can't do it anymore.  So, I've gone on quite a few bike rides this semester.  And rollerblading a few times.

Dates don't exist in my life. Not even the ones you put on oatmeal.  I actually had a date a few days after I said this.  It was the kind you put on oatmeal.  It was in a Christmas cookie.

When I have to buy small or extra small clothing, I wonder how people smaller than me live comfortably.  When I hit my head on the shower head, I wonder how people who are taller than me live comfortably.  At 5'8", I am the shortest of my dad and siblings, so our shower is nice and tall.  I don't hit my head here.

What a great ending to the year.  It'll be interesting to see what weird thoughts I have in 2017.

Freaking Lemons. I Hate Lemons.

First, somehow I am still alive.  And yes, I am still alive.  Those who actually read my blog (my aunt) may be wondering where I have been for the last month.  The answer:  In an alley, getting beat on by my classes and others of life's lemons.  Beware those lemons; they tough.  However, I thought I would share some of my lemons with you.

Lemon 1: School
This semester actually has me worried that I might fail.  And then I won't be able to graduate.  I have to take these classes over.  Which I don't want to do because of lemon 2.

Lemon 2: BYU/Provo Culture
I have a different blog post all about leaving BYU that I was going to post at the end of this semester.  However, I guess I'm not leaving Provo.  I don't know why.  I really want to because I hate it here.  However, I'm at this point because of lemon 3.

Lemon 3: Revelation?
Frankly, I don't know how to receive revelation.  I had made up my mind that I was going back to Arizona (or just going to Hawaii) to do my internship or to work until I could find an internship.  I felt really good about this decision.  And then I didn't.  And then I felt like I needed to stay in Utah.  Why?  I don't know.  I hate it here.  I don't fit in.  The reason I don't fit in is because of lemon 4.

Lemon 4: Unlovable
Once upon a time, my companion told me that I was unlovable.  Don't worry, I don't actually believe that no one can love me (for the most part).  I just have a hard time feeling love.  I don't know why, but I can't seem to make myself feel love from other people.  I enjoy being around people, but I don't understand that people enjoy being around me.  I am working on it.  I think.  I am trying to destroy that belief system. It's kind of hard to destroy them because of lemon 5.

Lemon 5: Singleness
This one is kind of a double-edged sword.  My roommates are in relationships and want me to be in one.  However, the only boys that ask me on dates are ones that I know I would be a bad match with.  And I don't ask boys on dates because of lemon 6.

Lemon 6: Self-Confidence
I'm pretty sure I'm awkward.  I don't want to embarrass anyone by asking them on dates.  I don't have confidence when it comes to being social.  I'm afraid that I make others feel awkward if I talk to them.  And that's why I don't talk to people.  Okay, this may be the same as lemon 4, but it plays a big role in my life.  I just need to let faith and just doing it overcome my fears and insecurities.  I can be better than what I currently am.

Though this is condensed, it is an okay representation of the lemons that want to beat on me.  I have let myself down so many times this semester.  I have run away so many times this semester.  I just want to run away for real though.  I'm not doing so great.  Luckily, I remembered a song yesterday that helps me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PsaSmU5AQds

Somehow I keep going.  I have been quite useless this semester, but I'm going to make it.  I hope.  Only two more weeks.  I'm so ready to be done.  This is where prayer becomes my constant companion.  Where did happiness go?  I don't know, but soon it will be back.  I know it will.  I'm going to bring it back.  It has no choice.

P.S. Don't think about too much, but now lemons looks like a really weird word.

How to Be a Happy Person

Eat Cookies
I do this quite often.  I luckily have a great roommate who makes cookies.  They make me feel better.  But, it doesn't necessarily have to be cookies.  You can have ice cream or cake.  Or if you like celery, you can eat that too.

Go for a Bike Ride
This one is great for just being outside and exercising, both which make people happier.  I know because I just do it.  This is also open for substitutions.  You can go for a walk or rollerblade or canoe.  Any of those options are great.

Be Quirky

Everyone has their own little quirks.  Embrace yours.  One of mine that I love is that I have a few favorite times of the day.  In the last few weeks, I have been able to take pictures of some of these.

And yes, that is my phone's lock screen.  I obviously don't "adult" like other people.  And, my name is apparently not a real word.  The second one may be a bit blurry, but I promise it is 1:23:45.

Watch Funny Videos

Trust in God

Bonus Guideline: Listen to Christmas Music

I know that lots of people refuse to listen to Christmas music unless it is December.  I am not one of those people.  Christmas music is one of my coping skills.  Whenever I am down, I listen to Christmas music.  It's full of Christ's love.  It's full of hope.  It's full of peace.  And it reminds me that I have a Savior that is always watching over me no matter what.  He knows things.  Humans don't.

Dragon Warriors

Recently, I posted a picture of some of my notes from General Conference.  Which is just this drawing:

I thought I should explain why I drew this, and how it came up.  I was listening to the talk of Elder Hales.  He was talking about kindness and compassion--loving those who hate you.  As he was talking about this, my mission came to my memory.  I had many companions.  And they did NOT like me.  (Okay, maybe two liked me.)  Why was I dwelling on the past?  As I thought about the past, I had a quote come to mind that has been attributed to many people, but the following picture shows who I imagined it coming from:

This reminded me more of my mission.  We had a member of the quorum of the seventy come to our mission, and he was telling us that we determined whether or not we would be good missionaries.  This reminded me of the part in "Kung Fu Panda" where Po's father tells him

I decided to be a dragon warrior.  I can let the past determine the future or not.  (I'm still working on that one.)  But, the greatest thing is not that I have any special talents or awesomeness.  There is nothing that makes me more special than anyone else.  I can be a dragon warrior because I work hard and fight for what is right.  This became a theme for my mission.  And, I still think about after.

This is why I draw dragon warriors.  I can be a dragon warrior.  Anyone can be a dragon warrior.

September is Over--Thank the Heavens and the Earth and the Stars and the Moon and the Sun and a few Clouds, and Probably Best to Thank God

I thought I would just sum up September in a series of pictures.

 Trying to Balance Everything

Giant Bowl of Green Food

 Blisters from Wheelchair Sports

 Never Making my Bed

Applying for Internships

If you know of some places with a CTRS in Arizona or Hawaii that may be willing to take an intern, just let me know.  I open for suggestions.  (Except in Geriatrics)

Running out of Clean Clothes

Okay, it was really pants and other articles of clothing that were completely dirty.  I thought I was going to have to wear my pajamas or workout clothes to school.

Pretty much September was a Murphy's law kind of month.  I was a bit irritable, and I have told my coworkers and classmates that I am sorry.  Let's just hope for the best in October.  Thank goodness September is almost over.

How to Look Like You Can't do Anything

Yes, here is another how to that is pretty much useless.  However, these how to lists are used quite often in my life.  Lots of statements about others may be overly generalized, but here is

How to Look Like You Can't do Anything

1. Be Quiet
When you are quiet, people can't really tell anything about you.  They think you are shy and most likely weak.   They assume that you can't do much.  They'll try to take charge of you because you obviously can't be the leader.

Once, I had a peer tell me that she doesn't trust people who are quiet, so she couldn't trust me.  So, she tried to get me to talk about myself and "open up" to her.  Let's just say something distracted us, and I didn't end up answering her questions.

The truth:
As someone who doesn't automatically speak up, I have the opportunity to observe people.  I am an observer.  I watch the ridiculously stupid things that other people do, and then I don't do those things.  I watch the amazingly smart things people do and try to obtain that intelligence.  Being quiet sometimes helps me better to actually do things.  I just don't do them right away, in order to make a better plan.

2. Never Give Up
When you struggle, people don't think that you are competent.  When you take a long time to complete a task, people start to wonder why you are even trying.  They want you to give up and let them help you because they already know that they are more competent than you.

The truth:
I work on my bike a lot.  I do all of my own repairs.  Which is why my hands often look like this:

Actually, I took this picture because that was the least amount of black that I had on my hand this week.  I had permanently black hands all week.

Once upon a time, I had to replace my crank set.  After replacing my crank set, my left gears (1, 2, 3) would only work on 1 and 2.  So, I needed to fix my bike.  I took my bike on campus to a fix-it station.  I worked for a while and was struggling with keeping the wire at the right length while tightening screws.  After a while, a girl who had been observing me asked me if she could help.  I guess my fixing was not to her standards.  I told her what I was doing, and then she didn't even know anything about bikes!  When it comes to bikes, I probably know a lot more than the average person.

My gears only work on 2 and 3 now, but I like those ones better than 1.

3. Be a Girl
When you are a girl, there are obviously lots of things that you can't do.   As a girl, I shouldn't be able to be the fixer of things.  I'm not supposed to know how to put things together unless it is arts and crafts (which by the way, I actually can't do those).  Less sarcastically, there really are differences between men and women.  We aren't the same.  Men and women are meant to be different, but let's not make a big deal out of it.  Okay?  That sounds wonderful.

The truth:
Once again, I was fixing my bike this week along with a bike at work.  For my bike, a man came up to me and said that he just saw me with an upside down bike, so he thought I needed help.  My reply, "Just putting my tire back on."  For the bike at work, the chain fell off when a girl wrecked.  A man was riding next to us, and I said, "Oh, I can fix that."  The man asked, "You sure?"  Seriously, how hard is putting a chain back on? Is there some special way to do it?  I just put it back on, no tricks.

Also, I'm not sure my brother wants me to say this, but I'm going to anyway.  When we were younger, we would sometimes walk to and from activities in the evening.  When we would walk home in the dark, he would tell me that if someone tried to mug us, I would be the one to beat them up.  And I knew it was true.

4. Don't Have an Athletic Build
When you aren't stick thin or steroidly muscular, people think you don't do sports.  People believe that you aren't proficient in a sport because you don't have the build that is typical of a sport.  If you aren't a stick, they don't think you run.  If you aren't muscular, they don't think you have power.

The truth:
I am able to play lots of sports.  I am not the best in any particular sport, but I do have the ability to play many.  I have had people lose games to me just because they thought I couldn't do it.  But, obviously I am beast.  I dominate.  Okay, not really, but I have sufficient knowledge and power to play most games.

Remember this picture from a few months ago?  I promise I can do a lot.

Don't underestimate people.  People are capable of pretty much anything that they put their minds to.  They just have to put their minds to it.  I know lots of people that decide that they can't do things, so they can't.  I have been one of those people.  Still am sometimes.  But, what you decide doesn't determine what others can do.  Be pleasantly surprised when people do things.  It's awesome to see what we can do.  God made our bodies and minds to accomplish everything that we need to.  Let's use them to do so.

Starting School Just Perfectly

School starts again next week.  And you know what that means--I'm going to do something awesome. And by awesome, I mean slightly awful.  But that's okay.  Life is for having adventures.  And by adventures, I mean consecutive awkward episodes where people just don't know how to help you.

Awkward Episode #1

I was able to be a part of homeless week.  Yeah!  It's that wonderful time in Provo where students are required to move out of their apartments and aren't allowed to move into their new ones until a week later.  Awesome!

I didn't sleep in my car even though I really wanted to just to say that I did.  I slept in a previous roommate's apartment.  And, I went home for a few days.  And then, I slept at the home of my step-family's cousins.  My stuff is in a few places.  Also, I have too much stuff, so if you want a bunch of random junk, raise your hand.  (Unfortunately, I can't see you raising your hand, so you may have to contact me differently.)

Awkward Episode #2

I don't have a phone right now.  Below is the email that I sent to a few family members (the ones that contact me the most).  You'll have to click on the picture to see and read it.

Awkward Episode #3
I haven't really had another awkward episode yet.  But, it's me we're talking about, so I'm sure something will come up.  I'm sure I will do something weird.  We still have half a week before school starts.  That is plenty of time.

"Look for Your Spouse" Challenge Day #5-7

Sorry I was so bad at the last few days.  I wasn't home much.  I had typed up Day 5, but it didn't get posted.  So, here are the remaining days.

Day 5: Pray Really Hard

This is a concept that I used a lot on my mission to find people to teach.  I also learned from those experiences that praying doesn't necessarily get you what you want, but it does help you learn what God wants.

Today, I figured that I would pray really hard to find my spouse.  Sometimes people expect to find their spouse like a game that I used to play on the computer.  It's called Imo and the King.

Imo is given several challenges by the king.  One of the challenges is to pick out the king's daughter among a hoard of girls.  Imo met a genie on the way to the king, so the genie helps him pick out the daughter.  The interactive part of the story shows the girls with light shining in a circle around her.

If only finding my spouse was like that.  It would be the best to just be able to pick out a boy from a hoard and know who it should be with a circle of light.

Another story that I wish praying for a spouse would be like is the story of Rebekah and Isaac.  The servant prayed that whoever gave him water to drink at the well would be the wife of Isaac.  And, so it was. 

Day 6: Go to Class

I think this one can be summed up in a series of pictures.

Word of advice: don't save any general ed classes for your senior year.

Day 7: Give up

I didn't want to do this anymore, so I didn't do anything.  I don't think anyone was going to read all of the posts anyway.  Maybe I should have done something like bird watching except looking for men instead of birds. I give up.  Maybe someday, but seven days in a row is just much too much of trying.

Conclusion: I am bad at this whole looking for a spouse thing.  Maybe next year.

"Look for Your Spouse" Challenge Day #4

Day 4: Waiting for a Date

This challenge is getting challenging.  I am running out of ideas already.  Today is Saturday, a day to relax a bit.  Maybe.  So, I thought that I would just use my lazy way of looking for a spouse and just wait for boys to ask me on dates.

. . .


. . .


I'm still waiting.

I have been asked on dates before.  It's happened.  This year has actually been record-breaking; I got asked on three dates.  I don't mean to scare boys, but I think I do.  I am a little rough around the edges.  And in the middle too.  I have a scary sense of humor and am a bit of a pessimist.  More of a realist, but slightly leaning toward the pessimist view.  It's gonna take a tough guy to date this.  Good luck to whomever it may be.

P.S. I guess if someone really wants to, he can take this as an invitation to ask.

"Look for Your Spouse" Challenge Day #3

Day 3: Dating Sites/Apps

Nope.  Nope.

Just no; I refuse.

Unless it's for farmers only.  Since we all know that I am a farm-y person.  I grew up in the largest suburb and use public transportation like a city native.  Very farm-y.  (I actually went to the website, but it required an email address to move past the home page.  Too much commitment for me.)

So, it's a no for dating sites.  Getting to a home page was as far as I could go.  However, dating sites have worked for some of my family members.  This includes my sister that got married this month.  Congratulations Cherise and Jensen!  That's right, you guys are now famous from my blog.  (To the five people that read this post.)

Jensen and Cherise