Making Plans for One's Life--What a Joke

My closet has been a suitcase for the last six months.  If you have seen me in that time and thought, "Wow, Cami's clothes are even more wrinkly than usual," it's because they've been stuffed into a suitcase.  I'm here to tell you that I don't know how to make plans for my life, and when I do, they just get destroyed anyway.

My plan was to go to school at ASU and most likely study architecture.  Granted this was when I was in 8th and 9th grade.  That didn't happen.  I went to BYU and studied Recreation Management.

My plan was to go on a mission when I was 21.  That just got bumped up by a year, so I don't know how much that one really counts.

My plan was to do my internship for my Recreation Management program in Arizona or Hawaii and then stay there (or somewhere besides Utah).  Mostly, I was trying to escape Utah (specifically Provo) for the almost six years that I was there.  My internship and following jobs were in Utah.  So, that escape plan failed miserably.

My plan was to find a job as a Recreation Therapist in Arizona and find a place to live away from my family.  And now my closet is a suitcase.  Because I didn't get a job, and I didn't find a place to live.

So why am I writing this?  Because I don't know what I'm doing.  And only two people read this, so what does it matter?  Those two people include me and . . . I couldn't think of anyone to write because my aunt doesn't even read this anymore.  I know because she asked me if I was going to write anything on my blog, and I realized that she hadn't read the last five posts.  So, I'm writing this because sometimes writing things helps me realize that I really am just a bump on a log.  It's exciting.

The awesome thing about where I am right now is that I have several ideas of what I want to do to be a productive member of society.  I have three business ideas, and one of them I could start super easily.  And another could be started super easily.  And the other one is probably not as great, but it's fun to talk about because it's a bakery specifically for people with diabetes who can't eat sugar and carbohydrates.  We have had quite a few good names proposed for this bakery.  What are your name suggestions?  Sorry, rambling, I got excited about the Diabetabakery (Cherise's name suggestion).

I have hope for the future.  Maybe misplaced hope, but I know that someday I won't live out of a suitcase.  I am looking forward to that day.

Waiting for the Lord's Blessings

I feel like a lot of my friends write blogs these days.  And I really hate being a cliché, so sometimes I just don't want to write anything.  I also deleted my Facebook, so the number of people that see my blog basically went back down to two.  (So the number halved.)  Then I remembered that my blog is basically my rant space anyway with random quote posts here and there. I thought that I would write, and yet not write about, what a lot of the other people I know are writing about or posting on social media: babies and pregnancies.  Specifically trials with such.  That's why I have this awesome picture of this awesome kid in this awesome onesie.  I love him so much.

I haven't even met him yet; he lives in a different country.  I became an aunt in 2018, and it's the best thing ever.  Because I never have been pregnant or have tried to get pregnant, I was worried about writing this post because I haven't ever experienced that.  I texted my sister about it because he's her baby.  This is what part of the conversation looked like.

The things that remind me of my situation are the acknowledging that they don't understand why God is doing this.  It's the feeling inadequate.  It's the desire to be a mom and not being able to.  And I just wanted to share some of my experience and thoughts that come to my mind whenever I read these experiences.

If there is actually someone reading this, and along the way they start thinking, "This sounds really familiar," it's because I've had related thoughts for a few years, and they are stated in posts such as How do people get married? and The Guilt of Not Dating and Patient Urgency and many such posts that can be found in my "dating" label.  So why am I posting again?  Because I still struggle.  Okay!?  Okay, that was a little rude.  I'll try to be a little kinder as I go along.

This may seem a bit choppy, but I want to use some of the things that I wrote in my journal a few weeks ago.  My dad says that people don't want to date people who say bad things about themselves, so this post probably isn't going to help much.  I do think it will be helpful to get some things off my chest though.  And maybe someone else will say to themselves, "I feel that too.  I'm glad I'm not alone."  And as stated above, I just have these thoughts a lot when reading others' posts or when anybody mentions dating or having kids.

From my journal

I end up thinking, "This is why I'm not married."  I start picking at my flaws.  If I could only change myself.  If I could be not myself.  If I weren't me, I could get married.  If I was always positive.  If I were more patient.  If I were outgoing and talkative.  If I didn't have depression.  If I wasn't ugly.  If I smiled more.  If I never mentioned my mom being dead.  If I wore makeup and cuter clothes.  If I was more welcoming to people touching me.  If I didn't make potty jokes or body function jokes.  If I didn't make jokes about myself.  If I said, "I love you" more.  This is why I'm not married.  This is why people don't like me.

And it was especially hard-hitting when the sister younger than me is getting married.  She is the type of person that people like.  She is the type of person that a boy wants to marry.  And I'm not.

From other thoughts

Obviously, during those times I feel it's my fault that I can't get married.  I think it's my fault I don't even have the option to have kids (based on me still living my standards).  However, it feels just as bad when I don't think it's my fault.  It still hurts.

At church, we talk about marriage and eternal families all the time because we believe in the temple blessing and ordinance of the sealing.  Getting married and being sealed is a blessing, as mentioned by the doctrine of church.  So I wonder why I am not allowed to have that "blessing"?  Why do I get to be alone?  I wonder why, when I go to church, attend the temple regularly, read my scriptures daily, listen to General Conference, and try to apply Jesus Christ's atonement to my life.  I'm a good person.  Or at least I attempt to be.  Why does God not want to grant that blessing to me if I am following His commandments?

It hurts.  And I don't know why the timing has worked out this way.  But He often says, "Stop worrying about it," "Keep on the covenant path," or "Patience."  God's timing is something that I truly have a hard time loving.  And His will is something that I seek to do but also have a hard time loving, especially when it means that I don't get the blessings that I think I might deserve.  One of my sisters stated there isn't much comfort in Elder Holland's words: "Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come."  Maybe those blessings don't come until death, and I must embrace a lonely life.  Personally, I still believe I will be married in this life.  But if I don't, it doesn't mean that God loves me any less.  I constantly have to remind myself that God still wants to bless me for my efforts.

In that same address Elder Holland speaks to:

• young parents still in school
• single parents
• those who want to be married and aren't
• those who desire children and cannot
• those with few friends
• those grieving a death of a loved one
• and others

He says, "Even if you cannot always see that silver lining on your clouds, God can, for He is the very source of the light you seek.  He does love you, and He knows your fears.  He hears your prayers."

We don't know a lot of things, but God knows infinitely more than we do.  We each have our own trials.  We each have things that God thinks we should have in our lives.  My sister (I'm just gonna mention all of my sisters in this post) once wrote me a letter while we were both serving missions, in which she said that sometimes she thinks that God asks us to do things just to test our faith.  We won't always get the results that we desire, but God expects us to pay attention anyway.  So, I guess I'll keep going.  I'll be okay.  And I hope everyone else can be okay too.

I don't wish to undermine anything that anyone has written in their social media/blog posts by posting my experiences.  All I can say is keep believing, and you're still amazing even when God gives you hard things.

Also, I know I have shared this video before, but it is always applicable.  I have watched it so many times, I can't even count.

"I am the Gardener here.  And I know what I want you to be. . . . And someday, little currant bush, when you're laden with fruit, you're gonna say, 'Thank you Mr. Gardener for loving me enough to cut me down.'"

Final Quotes of 2018

Cami: On one condition--you can't try to convince me I'm bi with Asian ladies.

Cami: Tchaikovsky is one of the greatest composers ever.
Douglas: Oh yeah, I've heard of that guy.

Cami: What vegetables do we have?
Makenna: Chicken!
Griffin: That's beef.

After getting tickets to the TabCATS Christmas concert
Griffin:  I feel so accomplished.

Lari:  I have two dresses.  One is unflattering.  And the other is flattering, but it's tight.  So, uh, I guess they're both unflattering.

Dad: Who wants a fig tree?
Cami: No one.  No one wants a fig tree, Dad.

Doug: Yeah, they went on a snape hunt.
Cami: Snipe.
Dad laughing: Yeah, they all dressed up as Harry Potter characters and went out looking.

Talking about tooting in public
Griffin: Cherise is worse than me now.
Kenna: That's because she's pregnant.
Cami: No, it's because she's married to Jensen.
Kenna:  So, it's like when Fiona married Shrek and stayed an ogre.
Cami: Yep.

Cami: I think I know what drove the last boy away.  I said I like sad movies and that I listen to Christmas music.
Griffin: Yeah, probably.

Cami: Now that it's November, I would say it's time to listen to Thanksgiving music, but I don't want to listen to three songs over and over again for a month.

Griffin: Hey Stinky!
Cami: Why are you talking to yourself?

Griffin:  You have a tag hanging off your dress.
Cami: You can cut it if you want.
Griffin comes back with a pocket knife
Cami: Seriously?
Griffin (cutting the tag): It was the only thing I could find.
Cami:  There's a pair of scissors on top of the dresser.

Cami: You know how people pray for patience and then different circumstances or people come into their lives? I'm a person that comes into people's lives after they pray for patience.

Arlene: Who am I kidding?  I only play games with you guys.  I don't know why I'm pretending I have friends.

Kenna: Why do all British people look the same?
Cami: Racist! So, you're saying that Simon Cowell looks just like all the One Directions boys?
Griffin: And that Tom Holland looks like...uh...like...
Cami: Benedict Cumberbatch?
Griffin: Yeah.
Cami: And looks like Alex Boye?
Kenna: Yep.

After talking about all the sweets my dad can't eat
Cami: I'm gonna make a store called Diabeetus Cakes.  And there will be other sweets in there too.  It's gonna be spelled D-I-A-B-E-E-T-U-S.
Dad sarcastically: Sounds so appetizing.

Makenna: This is my favorite picture of him.
Griffin: Because it's blurry?

Griffin: How do you stay in the lines?

After I put a goldfish in Doug's seat
Doug: Whose goldfish is this?
Cami: It's a snack for your ride home.
Griffin: It's the snack that smiles back.  It's the snack that goes up your crack.
Cami: What?!
Griffin: 'Cause he's gonna sit on it.

About mochi
Emmett: It's my two favorite things--ice cream and fruit snacks.

Sarah: I went to go see Ant-Man and the Wasp on Pioneer Day.
Doug: On purpose?!
Everyone else: What?
Sarah: Yes?

Makenna: Cami, are you ever going to work?
Emmett: She's been back for hours.
Cami: I went at 6 am and got back at 3.
Makenna: But you didn't change your clothes?
Emmett: Yeah, she lazy like the rest of us.

Cami: What is this in the phone case?
Darren: UPS dust.
Cami: Ew.

Failing in Christianity

Imagine being told, "I hate you," by the same person every single day for 1-2 years.  Imagine that person destroying multiple of your possessions, especially the ones that have great meaning to you, such as your personal journals, a belonging from your deceased family member, or your bed.  That person doesn't tell you, "I hate you," anymore, and now has to tell you at least one of your character flaws every day and that you are just a bad, horrible, unloving person.  (Do you know how many times various people have told me that I am unloving?  So many times that I usually believe it.)  Maybe you don't have to imagine.  Maybe this is also you.

What would Jesus do?  Whatever it is, I have failed.  And I fail daily.

Here is what I think Jesus would do:

• Luke 23:9--"but he answered him nothing."  I struggle so much at not responding.  My beliefs are attacked often, and it is so hard to not stand up for them.  I get in a lot of arguments about what I believe.
• Luke 23:34--"Then said Jesus, Father forgive them; for they know not what they do."  I haven't ever really said this, but I pray for the person all the time.  I often ask for my own forgiveness after I just got done arguing.
• Isaiah 53:3-5--"He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not.  Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: ye we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.  But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities:the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed."-Jesus continued to serve the people and gives them the opportunity, continuously, to be saved and healed.  Jesus Christ lets anyone repent.  None of my suffering will ever have that power for anyone, but I can share my testimony.

Moral of the story: I fail over and over and over again.  I don't come close to being like Jesus at all.  But I believe that my belief in Jesus Christ can make me a better person.  I believe that I have become much better than I was when I first started getting told, "I hate you."  It's my faith in Jesus Christ that has kept me alive.  And if that's not a miracle, I don't know what is.  It's my faith in Jesus Christ that allows me to help other people even though I am so scared to talk to people and think that they don't want me around.  And judge me all you want for being a Christian, but it has made me better.  And judge me all you want for still having flaws, but the power of Jesus Christ has changed me and will continue to change me.  One flaw that has been repeatedly acknowledged by people is my saying, "I'm sorry" far too many times.  I am not sorry for my faith in Jesus Christ.  

The Mutual Game Part 6

It's been a rough week.  I went to my cousin's wedding, and a bunch of other things have been happening in my family that show me that people are moving on with their lives while I sit stupidly doing nothing of importance.  I also started my less awkward pictures on Mutual this week.  Because of the wedding and my Mutual account I have had a lot of conversations about me dating and putting on a good front.  Some things that have been said to me concerning my dating life are as follows:

• "Maybe you just need to be aggressive."
• "You need to put yourself out there."
• "You need to be more outgoing."
• "You should be less quiet."
• "You're showing that you have given up by putting your bad pictures up--people who want to get married would never show their bad pictures."
• "You're too sarcastic and negative."
• "Stop being sarcastic."
• "Don't say negative things about yourself on dates.  No one wants to be around negative people."

After being super depressed at my cousin's wedding and being told about how negative I am, I just thought and thought about why I am so negative, especially about getting married.  And I think it's because of what I have always struggled with: I feel like I constantly have to prove that I am good enough.  And not getting married is just another thing that shows me that I'm not good enough: that people don't like me or that something is blatantly wrong with me.  And I say it out loud.  I voice my concerns.  I say negative things about myself, so other people don't have to.  I subconsciously believe that if I say something poorly about myself and acknowledge my flaws, then the people that I say it to don't have to go and bad mouth me when I'm not there.  I say it before anyone else can.

I have no idea who is saying bad stuff about me, but I am around people enough (all the time--I'm hardly ever alone) that I know people are being rude about others.  And I'm sad to say that I have said a lot of bad things about a specific group of people.  I'm sorry, and I am working on it.  I have a lot that I am working on to forgive this group of people.  I need to make a lot of changes in my life and behavior.  But the things people say just solidify my beliefs about my own flaws in the eyes of others.

I kind of did this social experiment to prove myself.  Parts of me wanted to prove to some family members that I wasn't entirely useless and could get validation from other human beings and also prove to them that I know I am as useless as I think they think about me.  And because I'm miserable trying to prove myself, I ended my experiment early.  I deleted my Mutual account.  I deleted my Facebook account.  And hopefully I will do social experiments that change the way that I view myself and others.  I have a terrible view of the world.  And my [family member] would argue that that's exactly why I'm not married.  But oh well.  It's time to just be a better me.  I know I'm dumb to some people, but I'm also smart.  I know I'm not super useful, but I am somewhat useful.  I know I'm a burden, but I also lift.  And I know that people see me very poorly, but there is a great number of people who love me and think I'm awesome.  And I don't feel super narcissistic saying that.  And I'm sorry for not listening to the people who love me and tell me good things.

I just need to believe that other people like me just as much as I like me.  And not become a  narcissist, which is something I am afraid of being.

The Mutual Game Part 5

Happy Thanksgiving!  Let us all be thankful that my awkward phase is over.  Just joking, my awkward phase will never be over.  However, the awkward picture phase is over on Mutual.  I am putting up new pictures.  And I only have to have these ones up for two weeks, so yay.  The score to beat is 6.  I only have to get six matches within the next two weeks to have gotten the same number of matches as the four weeks of unflattery.  We'll see if all the boys have already down-swiped me.  If I haven't down-swiped them first.  Haha! Just kidding.  I'm just kind of done.

Want to know how I swipe?  I usually am fairly truthful for about two accounts.  And then I get bored and just start swiping down on everyone super quickly.  Obviously this isn't going to work.  Funny story, if you run out of accounts to swipe, you can reset all your down swipes, so it's like you haven't swiped them yet.  I did that once because I apparently swipe down a lot.  So basically boys don't really get an honest answer unless they are the first two.  I hate Mutual.  It's so dumb.  If I ever get married, it's gonna be a miracle.  Honestly, I probably would have to be best friends with a guy for a while and then somehow we both think we should get married.  Except, my best boy friends like girls who aren't me.  So that's fun.

Now that that rant is over here is what you would currently see if you ever ran into my account:

Now, you're probably thinking, "Cami, those pictures are still awful."  Well, sorry.  I can't change my face.  It's just how it's gonna have to be.  I just have a bad face and a bad personality.  (That's really gonna get 'em.  No one can resist that.)  Don't worry, I will have these up for two weeks, and then I'm quitting Mutual.  Because then I'll have found a beau.  Just joking, me getting married means that the end of the world is upon us.  And I'll give you my theory as to why next week.

The Mutual Game Part 4

I just want to start by saying that some of the guys on Mutual look so old.  Their profiles say that they're my age, but they don't look it.  And if I'm being honest, I look not old.  I unfortunately can't even say that I look my age.  I could maybe pass off for a 22-year-old.  So, I don't think those guys who look like they're 40 would be a good fit.  Just sayin'.  Or maybe I'm just too picky.  It's not like I am trying to actually find a real match with this, so whatever.  (Or that I would find a match with my awful pictures.)

I only have one week left as an unattractive stalker on Mutual.  I think I can manage.  We shall see.  Then I have to put up my okay pictures.  I have to admit that I have been looking through my pictures again to try and find something that shows that I'm actually a normal human being, and I've got nothing.  Absolutely zero.  Well maybe one picture.  I apparently don't care about my appearance at all.  Maybe my next experiment should be dressing less like a bum.

Next week, I'll be making my normal account, and I'll show you the pictures that I pick.  Everyone will probably think I'm still creepy looking, but you know, that's just me.  (I do a really good job of complimenting myself.  I make myself sound so attractive.  What's wrong with me?)  I'm sorry I didn't have any pictures this week.  Just imagine either me rolling my eyes from boredom or my face throwing up.  'Cause I'm pretty sure most of you have seen both of those faces.  Anyway, I'll have better stuff next week.

The Mutual Game Part 3

This week, I actually matched with two guys.  That was super awkward.  I don't know what's going on.  I haven't had any messages though.  So, I think the ugly photos are still kind of working.

I don't think I am going to last the whole four weeks.  Would anyone be mad if I end the ugly photos after week 3 instead?  That also means that I only have to have my normal photos for a week.  And then I can re-delete my Mutual account and finally re-delete my Facebook account.  I deleted my Facebook account a few weeks ago and then had the amazing Mutual troll idea.  So, then I had to cancel my deletion.  Poop.

I have been trying to find pictures for my normal account, and guess what!  I have no good pictures.  I'm always wearing my hair really bad, and I don't smile in pictures.  And I actually make awful pictures.  I guess the unflattering pictures are the real ones.  Also, I've been debating whether or not to put the following picture on my normal-looking account.  I've been told that it's super awkward when I pick up my "little" brother.  But I think it's funny.  I could put in my bio that the cute baby is my brother, since all the guys clarify that the cute babies are their nieces/nephews.

The Mutual Game Part 2

Actually, I'm pretty sure we can still use LDS to refer to members of the church.  I just get corrected a lot these days.

I'd like to start this week with a rant.  This is why I hate Mutual so much.  I lived in Provo, Utah not too long ago.  It is a place with thousands of members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  And among those thousands, there are hundreds of Young Single Adults (YSA), who are put into congregations (wards) of YSA members.  Hence, single people are constantly in contact with other single people in their wards (at least I always in contact with other single people from my wards).  Each congregation is usually 100 or more YSA (I found myself in a lot of ~144-member wards).  Taking about 100 members, and if the ward has equal numbers of men and women, there should be about 50 men that a woman could meet and 50 women that a man could meet.  Granted the numbers fluctuate and the wards aren't always 1:1 men-to-women, the odds aren't always that great.  However, there are still a number of people whom an individual could meet.

I was in one such ward during my too many years in Provo.  I went on a few dates while in this ward.  A handful of the ward members were on Mutual, my roommates included.  And I often knew that boys in the ward were on the app because they would come up on the screens of my roommates' phones.  So here were a bunch of people that I knew were not asking each other on dates but seeing each other on Mutual.  There were quite a few boys that if they had asked me on dates, I would have said yes.  I have never turned down a first date.  And I know I should have asked the boys on dates, but I am pretty sure my courage level is at -33.  I honestly have no courage.  I've been praying for it.  For years.  My rant is that these people were just finding each other on the app.  They weren't giving the people right in front of them a chance.  So why can't people talk to each other face-to-face?  Why can't we do that anymore?

Now that my rant is over, I will let you know that I also found people that I know while on the app.  I haven't lived in Arizona for a few years, but I still know people.  Let's start with this great find.

I found my cousin!  Obviously I swiped down for relative reasons; I'm not dating any cousins, okay.  But if you aren't my cousin, you should definitely look him up.  He shares some of the same genes as me, so take that as you will.

Since last week, I've had 4 matches.  I'm thinking that they may have swiped up before I had changed it to its current awfulness.  And here I will explain a little about the app: both parties swipe up for it to be a match.  Once you match with someone, you can start messaging each other.  None of the 4 matches have resulted in messaging.  I don't think they like the new pictures.

In other news, here was a group message that ensued from my starting this social experiment.

Tune in next week for more updates on how weird I am.  I guess.

The Mutual Game Part 1

Hey friends,

Today I am telling you about my beautiful plan on how to get married.  Just kidding.  I thought doing a social experiment and trolling on a dating app would be the best thing for me to do.  At least it's more entertaining.  Yeah, it's probably going to ruin my entire dating life, but I didn't have much of one to begin with.  I had a conversation earlier this year with one of my friends.  He asked me when the last time I went on a date was.  I replied that I had gone on a date the week before.  He was surprised.  But it was true.  Then my friend asked when my last date before that one was.  My answer was, "A year ago."  He told me that was the response he was expecting.  Thanks Carson.  But it obviously proves that I don't have much to lose by doing this.

So here goes.  I am joining a dating app.  I chose Mutual, and below is what I am doing.

The Mutual Game

I have used the app twice, with the first attempt lasting three days and the second lasting two hours. This time, I have to leave the app on my phone for 28 days--4 weeks. However, I am putting up unflattering pictures.  I didn't put my very awful unflattering pictures because I don't want to subject the world to that kind of torture.  But, if you were to find me on mutual, it would look like this:

I also made my bio section make me sound so interesting.

I get to swipe as if this were my normal account.  So swipe down on the people I assume I wouldn't want to date and swipe up and people who maybe are okay.  My guess is that I won't get very many matches.  It's gonna be fun.  Hopefully, I will give updates every week.

After the 28 unflattering days, I will try with normal pictures and bio for 14 days--2 weeks--and see if I can get just as many matches?  I don't know.  That kind of terrifies me.

Wish me luck,
Cami

How Do People Get Married?

How do people get married?  Seriously! It baffles me.  I don't know how people ever get married.  It's some kind of miracle.  I don't know how to put my unbelief into words, so bear with me as I try to explain why I just don't get it.

Okay, first there have to be two people that just somehow are not dating anyone else at the same time.  There are lots of people who are single, I know, but to have two people that are both maybe interested in each other both single at the same time.  That's a miracle.  During my short 7 years as an adult, I have been interested in a number of boys.  But they shortly get girlfriends, and then most of the time end up getting engaged to someone else, and then the majority of those people actually marry.  So, I guess it's just me; those other people get married.

Then, say that two people are single at the same time that are maybe slightly interested.  One of those people has to have the courage to ask the other person on a date.  And I don't have courage.  So, I'm never getting married.

On the chance that one of the people has courage, and they go on one date, what happens then?  Sometimes there is just no more communication.  First dates are often the last.  People just maybe aren't as compatible as they think they are?  I don't know why there is often a one-sided interest or maybe just you think you will like someone and then you don't.  Most interest just ends there.  And one has to start all over again.  But there is the slight chance there will be a second date and a third.  Slight.  Very slight.  How do people keep dating?  How are people interested in one another?

That's really what I truly don't understand: how are people interested?  I find people interesting, but that doesn't mean I'm interested in all of them.  And I don't think more than a few people are interested in me.  So what makes a person viable for interest?  Looks? Personality?  So what is so wrong with my looks besides my siblings telling me that they don't like my clothes or that I look lesbian (so obviously not attracting boys)?  I must have a bad personality as well.  I think I'm funny, but I must not really be.  I know that I'm not an extrovert, and I never will be.  I say a lot of bad things.  That's it.  I promise I don't mean all of the bad things.  But I do like sad movies.  How are people interested in each other?  How do people stay interested?  I am so confused.  People get married all the time, and yet is so incomprehensible to me.  I believe it's a miracle.  And maybe that's just not a miracle God wants to grant to me.  Maybe I'm not meant to get married.  Ever.  Actually, I told myself I wouldn't give up until I'm fifty--that's when my life is gonna start coming together.

To all those who are married and who are getting married, congratulations!  You are the miracles of the world.  I don't know what magic you have cast, but good job.

This is something that I have discussed with a few relatives.  Basically the moral of the story is that you have to use a dating app to get married.  Dumb, but that's what it has come to.  So, tomorrow, yes another post this week, I will be posting about a new social experiment that I am starting.

Market Research

Hi everyone, it's that time of year again: social experiment time.  Some people may know--most may not--that I always have a thousand things that I want to do.  One of the things that I have brought up recently is doing a Masters program.  Well, I started that; I'm currently in a marketing class.  And I've mentioned maybe to some people that I want to start my own business.  So, to combine the both I made a survey that I put in my last blog post.  It didn't go so well.  But now I know that pictures help with marketing.  If you haven't already filled out this survey, I think it would be awesome if you did.
Just click on the picture, and it will take you to the survey.

I realize that some of my posts lately have been kind of boring, so I will try to have less boring posts in the future.  And I really will put what I learn from this survey into effect, such as someone asked how I feel about peanut butter sandwiches.

I feel great about peanut butter sandwiches. I like strawberry jam on my peanut butter sandwiches, but just peanut butter on bread is okay sometimes too.  I have tried a few other jams and jellies, but strawberry remains my favorite.  Especially homemade.  At my last job, we ate PB&J sandwiches every day that we were on hikes or skiing.  Sometimes we would get two in each lunch.  Even so, I still enjoyed them.  I think peanut butter sandwiches are hard to eat when the bread is dry.  Did you know that Tillamook makes a PB&J ice cream?  It's grape J, so it's kind of interesting, but it's not the worst thing I have ever eaten.  If it was strawberry J, then it would be amazing.

Also, someone asked me to put up more pictures.  I'll do that some time.

Quotes: August and September

If you don't want to read all of them, the last one is fantastic.  I don't know where that kid comes from.  Also, you should take the survey at the bottom.

Cami: I eat Dole whips, for goodness' sake.  How can I have a bad life?

Sarah: Well you're the the same size as me but taller.

Dad: Cami, do you want a sugar-free, low carb cookie?
Cami: That sounds like the worst thing I've ever heard.

Emmett: I'm going to get in shape before Disneyland next year.
Griffin: Why?
Emmett: So I can be setsy.

Griffin: Asian, Chinese, Japanese, and Europe-anese.

Cami:  But my computer's being dumb.
Emmett: When isn't it dumb?
Cami: When I'm not using it.  It works just as good as I need it to.

Makenna: Wait, you're not lesbian?
Emmett: Nope, she has to come out as straight.
Cami: Everyone! I'm coming out as straight! Okay?!

Cami: I'm gonna eat a banana!
Cami:  Okay go ahead.
Cami: Thanks!
Makenna: Me! That's literally me.

Cami:  Even though I look lesbian, I'm going to keep living my life how I want.
Emmett: Quote of the day.

Sarah: Things are kind of confusing right now.  And I need a job.
Cami: I think you just described life.

Cami: I edited the photos, so that there would be shadows, so that you can see we have faces.
Sarah: Well there has to be something white about Christmas in Arizona.

Cherise: If it weren't for millenials, that generation would be dead from cancer.  Sorry I extended your life, so you have to deal with me.

Cami: Well, I need to get new bras.
Sarah: Bra-bably.

Cami: Will you brush my teeth?
Griffin: No
Cami:  Lazy.
Griffin:What. You ask that all the time.  No one's gonna brush your teeth.
Cami: Ally brushes my teeth.
Griffin: Ally's a dentist.
Cami: Dental Hygienist
Griffin: Same thing.

Dad: These have 5 net carbs and those have 22 net carbs. But these have 5 net taste and those have 22 net taste.

Cami: Can we have sugar for Christmas?
Dad: No, we're gonna get sugar-free candies.
Cami: I'm having my own Christmas!
Rachel: Can I come?
Cami: Yes Rachel, you're invited to my Christmas.

Griffin: You're just like Emmett.
Cami: Great minds think alike.
Griffin: Or stupid minds are dumb together.

Cami: I don't know what I'm doing. I have no job.  And I'm going to school.  I have no money to pay for school.
Griffin: Your Shepherd's pie didn't taste gross, so that's good.
Cami: Thanks.

Griffin trying to guess the name of a person over the course of several days:
Coltershard?
Colterhard?
Colterstark?
Coodlestraum!
Hooligan.  Chris Hooligan.
Holtergard.
Hooglegarg?
Hula card?
Hockridge?
Cooper Hotchfimmel.
Hotchfield?
Hurblergurg?
Colterstrong?

Cat incessantly meowing at me
Cami: I don't know what you're saying.
Cat continues to meow
Makenna (from a different room, with the door shut): I'm weak.  That is so funny.  You said, "I don't know what you're saying."
Silence
Makenna starts cracking up

Cami: I'm not even a catch.  I'm jobless and homeless.

Darren: What are the cards?
Douglas: Conspirator
Cami: Conspirator?! I think I'm gonna like this game.

Cami: Gristen!
Griffin: Hmm.
Cami: I just wanted to see if you would still respond to that name.
Griffin: Mmm.

Dad: I'm gonna go check my blood.
Cami: I'm gonna go put more sugar in my blood.
Mariah: Ha! Me.

Maren: Are you married?
Cami: No.
Maren: I don't know.  You tend to do stuff in stealth mode.

Griffin: Instead of chewing my food, I put it in my cheek and punch myself in the face.

And here is the survey (click on the picture):

Thanks in advance!

How To Make Bad Life Decisions

If you are one of those people that thinks (often), "I don't know what I'm doing," you're definitely not alone.  I never know what I'm doing.  And that means that my life is always a mess.  I go from one place to another and make bad life decisions all along the way.  For example, I changed the layout/theme of my blog.  And I hate it, but it has things on it that I like better than the other themes.  And because I don't remember all the stuff from learning HTML, I can't really just make my own theme.  Because I don't know what I'm doing.

Anyway, a lot of people have been asking how I am doing and how my new job is.  So I am writing this to let everyone know that I make bad life decisions.

How To Make Bad Life Decisions

1. Decide to move to a different state

First, I have been trying to move out of Utah since I got there.  I don't like Provo.  I'm not good at Provo life.  I don't belong in that bubble.  Also, my winter depression has gotten increasingly worse.  This was a bad year for me.  So, I moved home.  

I am currently rooming with my 15-year-old brother.  (Who I'm pretty sure has some parts of life more figured out than I do, but definitely not all.)  I have a suitcase and 20 hangers in his closet.  And the rest of my stuff from my apartment is now in the garage.  So, I'm totally mooching off my dad.  Sorry Dad.

2. Quit all jobs

Obviously, I had to leave my job in Utah because I moved to Arizona.  I did really well at applying for jobs while I was still in Utah and even set up a few interviews.  I was offered two jobs.  And then I turned both of them down.  Because I make bad life decisions.  Stupidly, the first was stressing me out, and I acted out of anxiety and stress.  The second was on weekends and evenings, and because I thought that I maybe needed a social life to have good mental health, I turned it down.  I turned down two jobs because of my dumb mental health.  I guess it's a real thing.

3. Get in an accident while moving

For two weeks before I even moved down to Arizona, I had tried/wanted to cry at least every other day.  (I decided to quit my job two weeks after my apartment contract ended, so I was living on people's couches.  Thanks Cherise, Sarah, Emma, and Hannah.)  The best way I have ever found to make myself cry is to have car troubles.  So, by some fluke thing, I don't even know, I ended up crashing my car.  I promise that I am not a bad driver.  And I should have had time to stop.  It probably had something to do with the unusual amount of weight being contained due to moving all my useless belongings.

I did really well not to cry until all my paperwork was processed by the police and a tow truck called.  And then my body finally let me cry.  But this also meant that I didn't have a car to use for a while.

4. Start taking classes

If you make really bad life decisions, you know how to make high expense purchases while making no money.  I started my online Masters program the week before I moved to Arizona.  So, I was doing homework in random parks between work and going to bum on couches.  Yeah, I could have just stayed in my office at work, I guess.  That's beside the point.  The point is that taking classes means I have tuition, and that is kinda price-y.

5. Buy your sister's car

After I had told my work I was leaving, but before I had left, my sister and I had worked out a deal to buy her car.  In cash.  If I hadn't already been making bad life decisions, this one was great.  My sister was moving out of the country, and I wanted a car.  That was my own.  And then I could stop mooching off my dad (ha, what a joke).  I guess this one was a blessing when the car I have been using stopped working (refer to picture in #3).

So Why, Cami?  Just Why?

Well, I don't know.  I used to be such a logical person.  But then I started living.  Everyone's gotta make bad decisions at some point.  So, I'm sorry to everyone that I left in Utah.  I'm sorry to the people who have to take care of me in Arizona.  Sorry to all the people in North Carolina that I don't know how to help because of Florence.  I'm sorry for not knowing how to answer anyone's questions about my new job because I feel like a failure.  I'm sorry if I have lied or stretched the truth.  I'm sorry for being dumb.  I'm sorry for being a disappointment.  And I'm sorry to myself, who is going to read this in six months, when I'm doing just fine, and think, "What a whiney baby."  #firstworldproblems #stupidmillenial

But hey! Now I can go on adventures and try to make better decisions!  My life can get better from here.  I am trying.  Even if there is no such thing as trying.  I am putting in effort that currently isn't giving me any results.  So take this as you will.  Cami is dumb? Cami sure knows how to have an adventurous life?  Cami is never going anywhere in life?  Cami's gonna be a great author someday?  You choose.  It's gonna be an interesting next 70-ish years for me.

Something that I heard once was, "I exist, and I can be better."  What a statement.  It fits.

The Plight of the Millenials

Everyone likes to make fun of millenials.  Even millenials make fun of millenials.  However, sometimes it's just rude.  I went to church this week--surprise!  Just kidding, I go to church every week.  Usually.  I went to a different congregation this week, and it was rough.  Rough, I tell ya.

During the Sunday school, we talked about Solomon and the Proverbs.  Since there are so many Proverbs about beating your son with a rod, aka disciplining your child, we talked about disciplining one's child.  For about ten minutes of this discussion, there was a great bash on millenials.  My brother, my stepsister, and I were all sitting in a row, three hopeless millenials.  We listened as millenials were said to not have the ability to discipline children.  One man began to say that all generations were criticized by the generations before.  And then a woman interrupted and said, "But this generation really is messed up.  The next generation is going to have to fix everything."  And then the man promptly agreed.

Another few comments were about the bad work ethic of millenials.  We apparently don't know how to work either.  Once, I turned to my brother and stepsister and said, "We might as well just give up now."  After another comment, my brother made a sign with his hand as if he was shooting himself.  Guess we aren't worth it.

At another point, some of the people started using the term "snowflake" to describe all millenials.  First, this is a political term, not generational.  Second, it's a rude and kind of de-humanizing word.  Therefore, why are we using this in church?  Why do we think that it's okay to be so rude while pretending to be like Jesus?  It's not.

For all those people who have such a lack in faith in Millenials, I just want to share a little about myself.  I am a millenial, and I bet you already could guess.  I work with adolescents, and part of my job, in fact most of my job, is disciplining children and teaching them how to have better relationships with people.  Many of these adolescents have parents who are in their 50s, 60s, and 70s.  A great percentage of the staff that work with these students are millenials.  So, I would guess that it isn't necessarily millenials that don't know how to discipline children.  Yeah, we can't beat with a rod anymore, but we can sure use other methods.

And for all those who have had experiences like this at church, I'm sorry.  If Jesus had been in that lesson, he wouldn't have said those things.  He would remind us that the Atonement can help anyone who is willing.  We are all people who have something to work on.  I know I could be a little nicer and could do better to think really hard about what is going to come out of my mouth and then don't let it come out.  I don't go to church for the people.  If I did, I would have stopped going a long, long time ago.   I still believe that Jesus is good.  And He can help us, even when his disciples sometimes make mistakes.  I'm trying hard to be nice.  And I know this blog probably isn't the nicest anyway.  I will repent later.