Pretending That I'm Not

I've been chastened a lot lately due to my inability to socialize.  Okay, I don't think that's really what people think they are chastening me about.  It's because I am a super negative person and can always find something negative about myself.  I pretend that I'm not any good (when I'm around people).  I pretend to be less.  And pretending to be less gets me into a bit of trouble; I have been told to fix a few things: my attitude, my perception, my pride, etc.

In my journey to being "fixed," I tried to figure out what the root of my social ineptness was. And because I love my abnormal psychology book and unofficially diagnosing everyone with something, I turned to that.  I sometimes pretend that I have ADHD-Inattentive, but that's because I never know where anything is.  Like the other morning when I picked up my car keys and then suddenly didn't have them when I was halfway to my car.  Which I wasn't actually halfway to my car because I had also forgotten where that was.  But that isn't even what I get chastened for.  Back to being social.

I decided that my closest diagnosis would be Avoidant Personality Disorder:

• Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection
• Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked
• Shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed
• Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations
• Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy
• Regards herself as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others
• Is usually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing

Of which I mostly just don't meet the first symptom.  All the others perfectly describe how I feel and/or what I do.  However, there isn't much on how it is treated.  The book mentions that it has similar symptoms to Social Anxiety Disorder, which uses exposure therapy.  I guess I have to be social.

So, I want to say that I am working on things.  And I want to apologize to everyone who has been in contact with me for the last month.  I have complained a lot about my calling because it brings up all of my issues and has sent me into despair every Sunday for the last few months.  I have done really well during the weeks that I just pretended that I didn't have a calling.  But, it's all in my head.  I also apologize for apologizing because I know that makes people even more irritated with me.

Okay, now to get to the positive of this post because I try to end all my posts with something positive or at least something that I think is comical.  Because of my social ineptness, my life has been filled with social experiments.  So, I recently sent out a survey.  (You should also start expecting a lot of social experiments with my "exposure therapy.")  The actual reason I sent this survey out is because I try to find reasons why boys shouldn't want to date me and height has been a recurring theme.  Despite some of you believing that I fear boys, I actually talk to boys all the time.  My roommate says that I'm a player, but I think she's wrong.  I think she is the player.  Sorry; tangents.  From my conversations with boys, I have heard, "the shorter the better," "Five-Seven or shorter," "Nothing shorter than five-nine," "five-eleven," and on.  Mostly, there is this gap between five-seven and five-nine, which just so happens to be where I fit.  So, I give that as a reason why boys shouldn't want to date me.  I pretend that I'm not what people would like.  

I sent out a survey.  Below is a graph of the heights guys like of girls.  Let's just say I have been proven wrong.

P.S. I apologize for anyone offended by my unofficial diagnosing.  I don't have these disorders.  Or at least I never go to find out.  I mostly wanted to unofficial diagnose myself with APD because I feel the therapy that is tied to that would be very beneficial to my personality and thought processes.  I don't mean to make a mock of any diagnoses.