How to be Extremely Plain

1. Don't Improve Your Talents
On Sunday, while at work, one of the boys asked me what one fact was the most important for people to know.  I told him that I was mean.  Then he told me that it had to be positive.  He dived into an interrogation that left me remembering that I am just some boring, little life form that has somehow existed for the last 20-something years.  He asked me if I was athletic.  Nope, not that. He asked me if I was smart.  Not that either.  He asked me if I was musical.  Well, kind of, but if you think about the musical capacities of all the people in the world, I would be pretty low on the musical talent.

2. Don't Go Anywhere
Pretend you are going to go somewhere and then don't.  Want to know how many travel plans that I have made and never actually gone anywhere?  Lots.  All the time.  In fact, that's pretty much what I did all of yesterday and today.  Just stay stuck in a little, old college town that drives you crazy.  That's a real good way to stay plain.

Notice the gold stars.  I was gonna go on a trip, and it never happened.  (Actually, I have been to Vegas quite a bit.  Call me a sinner, but I love them card games.  The card games like "Uno" that I played with my cousins when they lived there.)


3. Just be Plain-looking
All my siblings tell me to wear makeup, so I can get married someday.  I gave up a long time ago.  I think I gave up before I ever started going on dates.  Apparently people have to be attractive to be married, so I gave up.  Now before you start telling me, "Cami, how can you think that?  You are attractive" or "Cami, you are so cute," just understand that I am more likely to agree with all the people saying, "With that attitude, you aren't going to get married."  Also, something you should know is that I don't think I am pretty, but I don't think I'm ugly either.  I am merely plain.  There is nothing about my appearance that says, "Woah."  I look like a human.  Wonderful.  I don't make any of the other girls envious, so they feel comfortable talking to me.  I don't make the boys nervous, so they feel comfortable talking to me.  So, really it is kind of nice to look plain.

4. Deny Anything You Do that Could Seem Interesting
It's actually quite easy.  Just say no whenever anyone asks you if you do anything?  Another phrase I use to answer questions is, "It doesn't matter." Now this could have a few different results.  People could become intrigued that you won't tell them anything and think you are cooler than you actually are.  People can also just realize that you have nothing of importance to share and move on.

So, I hope this was helpful.  More likely than not, it wasn't.  My instructions are vague and uninteresting, so good luck with trying to be plain.  Hope it works out for ya.

When the Answer is "Patience"

It's frustrating.  When the answer is "patience," it's frustrating.

Since April, I have been agonizing over my future.  I have been bogged down by trying to figure out what I am doing next and where I am going.  I can't tell you how many times I would write down the names of different states that I was willing to look for jobs in just to cross them all out because I didn't feel right about any of them.  There were a few that would make the cut every now and then; however, when it came down to actually deciding where to apply, it was nowhere.  I didn't want to apply.  One thing was for sure: I didn't want to be in Utah.  I wanted to move.  I wanted to maybe travel for a little while.  And I kind of did that.  I took a month off of work and visited family in a few states.

I applied to jobs in Washington, California, Oklahoma, Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, Utah, and Hawaii.  I interviewed with a few of them as well.  I always ended up ending my application process before being offered a job.  Somehow, I narrowed down my applications to two states: Utah and Arizona.  Why?  Beats me.  As you all know, I stayed in Utah.  Why?  I don't know.  I have asked God over and over and over and over again.  The answer: "Patience."

What do I need to learn here?  Patience
What lack I yet?  Patience
Why don't I have any courage?  Patience
Why am I not progressing the way I want to?  Patience
Why won't you tell me anything?!  Patience

I have accepted that answer and been okay for a while.  I haven't known how long I should wait because how long does one be patient?  One month, two months? A year?  And I never know when God's gonna say, "Okay Cami, I will give you something now.  I will let you have some of the answers you are wanting."  So, I would wait a little bit and ask again.

Patience.

Then another month would go by, so I would think, "Maybe I should ask again.  I don't know when exactly the answer will change."  And when the answer stayed the same, I got angry.  I got irritated.  And, I would stay irritated for the evening.  I would go to bed and in the morning be okay.  I would be okay with waiting.  I would be okay with trying to figure things out on my own for a few days.  And I did try to just make a decision and go with it.  One day I decided to move to Arizona.  The next I was going to stay in Utah.  The next Arizona.  Utah.  Arizona.  Arizona.  Arizona.  Utah (bleh).  Arizona (definitely).  Utah.  Arizona.  Utah.

I don't know how to make decisions.  And I told God that and asked for help.  The help he gave was, "Patience."  Do you know how frustrating it is to receive the same, not comforting answer for months and months?  Probably.  I know I'm not the only one.  But something has happened; I've been forced to know/decide who I am and what I want out of life.

I know that I am a child of God.  I know that I want to get married and be a mom.  That's truly what I want.  And it's stupid and cliche, but that's what I want.  And if I don't get that, at least I can be a recreation therapist.  And maybe go back to school.  Perhaps become a college professor.  (Or an absent-minded professor.)  I have a plan for my life that doesn't depend on me getting married.  I know what I want to do and where I want to go, but I am also willing to rely on the Lord and listen to His council.  Because He loves me.  Even when I doubt.  Even when I can't hear him or am told to be patient.

Like my grandma, my faith is not dependent on outcomes.  I can learn the dreaded lesson of patience.






P.S.  Here's a random note.

End of the Hugging Experiment
I didn't get nearly as many hugs as I thought I would.  Most likely, I just imagine that people want hugs more than they actually do because I am so adverse to giving them.  Or maybe people just like asking me for hugs when they know I don't want them because they think it is funny.  During the 15 days, the most I hugged any one person was thrice.  And I even had people tell me that they would not be giving me hugs.

I think my thoughts on hugs are mostly the same.  Hugging people didn't really give me any added joy.  I don't care for them much on a regular basis.  So, I think I will just go back to my regular hug-denying self.

The Hugging Experiment

Have you ever had a stranger chew you out for not accepting a hug?  And they tried to give you scientific proof of why you are wrong to not give another person a hug?  'Cause for me it has happened a few times.  Have you had people think that you have had trauma as a child when you don't want people to touch you?  Maybe you were neglected and that's why you don't like hugs?  That's also happened a few times.

I decided that I am going to do an experiment.  For the next 15 days, I will accept hugs from people.  The following are the rules for the experiment:

1. If a person asks for a hug, I will give them a hug
2. Limit one hug per person per day
3. I have to reciprocate (aka no limp fish like my normal)
4. Unless you are being a creep, in which case, I will determine if it is necessary to punch you in the gut
5. At the end of 15 days, I record my feelings about hugs and my experience

If at any point, I feel that the experiment requires more rules due to rule #4 or other such things, I will use my discretion to add to the rules.  Just so you know, I may cry inside a lot during the next 15 days.  I will never let you see though.  Do you trust me?

Unnecessary Backstory

If you want to hear my personal view of hugging, this is the spot of the blog to read.  I don't necessarily hate hugs.  Hugs, to me, have been an elevated form of consolation.  Hugs have been what are given when words just can't cut it anymore--when you need physical support in order to have emotional support.  It can be happy support or sad support.

It may surprise you that I sometimes want a hug.  I often don't ask because I feel that people will assume I will accept hugs all of the time.  I feel people will think this because I am not super open about my emotions, and people cannot often tell what I am feeling.  I usually want a hug when there are overwhelming emotions (that I probably am not showing on my face).

So, I am doing this experiment to see if it does affect my mood and to see if I maybe trust people more.  Doubtful.  Okay, maybe not the best attitude to have when starting an experiment.  I will try to be open-minded.  Also, I do have a feeling I might be uncomfortable in the next few days.