2022 Reading Goal

 I had a goal this year to read 12 books (about 1 each month), which is not much in the reading community. I love reading, but I don’t have a lot of time because I’m doing so many different things all the time. So I thought I could read one book each month. I did not do that. I read 10 books. But, I also listened to 11 audiobooks. So count what you will. I really wanted to read read the 12 books. Here’s my list with a comment or two for each book.

This is a good book. It's historical fiction. It follows a slave girl as her mother escapes and gains freedom. I've read better books about this time period, but it's still a good read. 

This series is pretty good. If you like sci-fi-esque fairy tales, this is pretty good. It starts with cyborg Cinderella, which was a great way to start. It follows four fairy tale couples trying to overthrow the government. And there was really only one couple that I hated and was annoyed when reading about because they were just too lovey dovey.

Great book! For the most part, I love a lot of what Brene Brown says whenever I hear or read her stuff. It was fun to hear her narrate her own book. 

I finally listened to The Hobbit. I did not get to The Lord of The Rings books though. Maybe next year?

This one is so dry. The concept is quite interesting, but I had to renew it a few times to get through.

The Twisted Tale collection is pretty good. I love fairy tales. And they are all pretty easy reads. Maybe I like them because I am just a 12-year-old in an adult body. Some of them get pretty dark. I thought the Aladdin one was the darkest. I liked the concept of the Once Upon a Dream more of these two.

This one's good. I don't know what else to say about it, but it really is good and makes you think. 

This is a good short two stories. I wanted to actually go through the Legend of Sleepy Hollow around Halloween time because I hadn't ever heard or read the original story. I've just seen the headless horseman in different shows. 

I loved this one. If you are religious, it really makes you think. But, it also makes me want to take hold of my dreams and aspirations more. It's quite inspiring.

I love A Christmas Carol, so I had to listen to the classic. I also went and saw it on the stage. I feel like I haven't been to very many performances in the last few years, probably because of COVID. So it was a great way to get in the Christmas spirit.

It's an easy read. Easy to follow murder mystery. If you want something really easy to read and a not-too-dark murder mystery, this is the book to read.

I have to say this is one of those series that I was pulled in by the first book, and the rest of the books kept my interest here and there. The first book is great though. I could hardly put it down.

This is also a great book if you're religious. It also made me think a lot. I basically read it in one day (while I was on a plane). So it's an easy read.

I have one more book in this series to finish. I started the last book though, so it will be the start of next year's list of books. The second book took me a lot longer to read. Once again, I was drawn in more by the first book. Maybe it's the author? 'Cause it's the same author as the magician series.

Why Do You Stay?

When I was serving my mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I had two questions that I loved asking to other missionaries. Their answers to these questions showed me their heart, resilience, and if they were going to have a miserable time. The two questions were, "Why did you come on a mission?" and "Why do you stay on your mission?" I think these two questions apply to the church as a whole too. The reasons that people share as to why they joined and why they stay will tell so much. So, I wanted to share my answers to the two questions.

Why I Joined

I joined The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as an 8-year-old. I don't remember a lot. My parents had taught me the gospel since I was born. I knew there was a God, and I knew that getting baptized was a good thing to do. I don't really remember a whole lot else besides that. So, it's not the coolest answer as to why I joined the church. For people who have been baptized later in their life, I'm sure there are much more profound answers.

So, we'll just move onto the next, why don't we.

Why I Stay

The short answer is that there are times when I have undoubtedly felt the Spirit and have communicated with God that I cannot deny. There are things that I have experienced that lead me to believe that I am in the right place. The long answer is the following.

I know that God is real. Now, this doesn't particularly sway me to any church over another. This is a pretty general belief. But, without this, the rest of my testimony doesn't matter. God is real. And I am a daughter of God. I talk to God all the time. (Working in mental health makes this statement so weird because there are so many people who say God is talking to them and telling them to do different things that we classify that as psychosis. Where the difference between psychosis and true belief and conviction is, I don't know sometimes.) I have a true relationship with God that has helped me stay alive and to heal throughout my life.

I believe that Jesus Christ is my Savior. Again, not really particular to a specific church, but foundational. I believe there was an Atonement made to help me become better, to pick me up from my fallen state, to heal so many things that have been wounded, and the list goes on. I don't know everything about the Atonement (or else why faith?). I have lots of questions about the Atonement. I have lots of questions in regards to my relationship with God versus Jesus' relationship with God, and how those two relationships are in comparison, and lots of other things. But I still believe that Christ atoned for me.

I believe that The Book of Mormon is the word of God. Here's where we get a little more particular. The Book of Mormon has led me closer to God and Jesus Christ than any other book. I really love the four gospels in The New Testament, and I absolutely love a lot of Isaiah, but The Book of Mormon helps me understand more and has been more crucial to me coming to Jesus than The Bible. Granted, my Bible reading isn't the greatest and needs lot of improvement, so I should probably work on that. But, I will continue to read The Book of Mormon, and I will continue to come closer to my Savior.

I believe in the power of the temple. I have felt it. If I could live in the temple and just do family history work for the rest of my life, I would. There is no better place than the temple. In the temple, we make covenants, and we stand in as proxy for people who have past away to help them receive those covenants. The power of the Priesthood is abundant in the temple. It is almost tangible. At a time in my life where I wasn't able to go to church very often because of work, I was saved by going to the temple. Now, don't purposely not attend church but go to the temple because the Sacrament has power as well. But in my time where I was unable, the temple kept me sane while working full-time, going to school full-time, and dealing with the mental health of people at work and at home. I felt the difference on the weeks I did not make it to the temple. 

To add to the temple, I believe in the power of the covenants I have made with God. God has given me power, and I intend to do His will, so I can keep that power. I need all the help I can get in this life because I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm gonna keep talking to God and keep following His counsel, so I can get by and find the joy that He intends us to find. God's covenants protect us and inspire us. 

Lastly, I do have lots of questions. I doubt sometimes. With so many people leaving the church and sharing their experiences, I wonder what is happening. Why would people leave? And why haven't I? In the end, I think about all the experiences I have had: talking to God, going to the temple, reading the scriptures, discovering miracles in my life, etc. If those things were true then, how can they be untrue now? I have experienced too much that has made my life better to give it up. I want to continue to have those experiences, so I seek for them. I continue to talk to God, and He gives me answers (though most the time not answers that I expected or wanted). Ultimately, this gospel makes me happier, gives me more hope, makes me better and kinder, and leads me to amazing opportunities. I believe in God. I believe He is my Father. I believe He is kind and knows so much more than I do. I believe in Jesus Christ and His Atonement. And I want to become the person that They know I can be. I strive to do what is right. And The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints leads me to that. This is the church of Jesus Christ. I know because I've felt it. I've experienced it. And no one can take that away from me. And I can't force that on anyone. It's something everyone has to experience for themselves. So keep on living.

"God helps those who help themselves" and other fun quotes

If you didn't already know this, now you do: I work in mental healthcare. Come November, I will have been in this field for 7 years. Usually I am pretty good at keeping work at work and personal life at home. But every now and then, work gets depressing. You can only take so much before the drain. Burnout is real, and with the several plot twists my career has taken, I find myself looking for new jobs and saying, "One of these days, I'm going to be burnt out" (and have to leave mental healthcare). It still hasn't happened yet, but one of these days... In the meantime, here are some things that I learn and experience, especially in decreasing burnout, as a mental health professional.

About a year ago, my congregation at church had a get to know you night, and we all had nametags with a little bit of information about ourselves. Below is mine. (Yes, I stuck it in my journal like a weirdo. Whenever people say, "Paste it in your journal," it might actually end up in my journal.)

The name is pronounced the same as Millie.

Obviously I was being facetious with my answers. My mom would always say, "Are you being a problem solver or a problem causer?" And I totally own being a problem causer. I do it all the time. Though I was being facetious, I do study and work with "the human brain & change." I fully intend to help people and myself change: behaviors, brains, outlook on life, etc. Even as a lowly recreation therapist, I do this every day I go to work. I've learned a lot. And I've provoked change.

At work, I often call myself "the mean therapist" because I do expect people to change, and I ask hard questions. I make people think during my groups, and people don't like what I make them think about. They want to just be told that they are okay, and that the world owes them better. Sure, the world owes a lot of people better. I work with lots of people who have had terrible things done to them, and that's awful. However, if we tell people that they are okay, and that the world is what needs to change, nothing is ever going to change. You know the quote, "Be the change you want to see in the world" that is attributed to Gandhi but is actually not the words he said? Well, the principle is there. You are what changes the world. 

And change hurts. Kid President said, 'A Poem. "Two roads diverged in the woods, and I took the road less traveled... AND IT HURT MAN! ... Not cool Robert Frost!" Guess what! Your brain is made of a bunch of different figurative roads that move information from one place to another. And the ones that we use the most are the easiest for our brains to use. (This is how habits are formed, good or bad.) The ones that are less traveled are not as easy to travel, and so it takes some time to make it easier. Your brain is malleable. You can change your brain. You can make good pathways more of the instinct for your brain than others. But it takes work. And work hurts. Therefore change hurts. Therefore, my therapy hurts. I inspire and encourage change. (Not that I'm an inspiring person, as filling people with awe or wonder or amazement, but I do elicit and evoke thought.)

I'm sure you have heard the saying, "God helps those who help themselves" whether you believe in God or not. As a Christian, and therefore someone who does believe in God, I believe this is a mostly accurate statement. God helps us immensely when we put in work. Not that he never helps those who aren't doing anything for themselves. He may be a strict Parent, but He's not completely devoid of compassion. God ultimately wants our success, and He's gonna help us get there if we are willing to put in the work. So, I improve my life by working hard and asking God for a lot a lot of help. 

As well as working on your own brain, attitudes, and beliefs, service to others improves mental health immensely. I think John F. Kennedy had it right when he said, "Ask not what your country can do for you--ask what you can do for you country." If you haven't read his full inaugural address, it's a good read. Beyond making changes for yourself, you have to help your fellowman. If you only serve yourself, your life isn't reaching it's potential. Most people are happier when they are serving others. Helping other people gives one purpose and increases amounts of the happy chemicals (serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin) in our brains. Our brains are wired to have connection with other people. When the people we are with are happy, we also become a little bit happier. It's just how our brains work.

Unfortunately, we can't help everyone. If we could, a lot of us would. But the news is full of awful things that people do, and it can lead us to feeling helpless. I see so much I cannot change as I work in mental healthcare. I cannot change everyone. And it's something that I have to accept. I have to accept that people have their choice. I have to accept that I have control over a very small part of this world. But I can influence change. I can have hope. And I can do what I can in small ways. I can do my best with what I've got.

To sum it up, these are my three points that help with mental health and reducing burnout.

1. Make changes in your own life and attitude
2. Make positive changes in others' lives
3. Don't get distracted by what you cannot change

It's hard, but it's possible. I promise that my brain is very different from when I started studying about the human brain and change. I have definitely changed my brain. 

And if you want a picture for a visual of how it's all going, here is a picture from my family's 4th of July rocket contest. It's a pretty good visual of how that whole family weekend went as well.

Things might be a little rough (or lot rough) and have taken a nose dive, but tudo bem or it's all good.

2022 First Half Quotes

Makenna: I miss WandaVision.

Cami: What? You miss long division?

Makenna: I miss WandaVision.

Cami: Ohh.

Cami: He was the egg with 25 cents in it, but God wants to give me the egg with 20 bucks in it.

Patient: How old are you?

Cami: I'm almost 30.

Patient: So, your birthday's in July?

Patient: You're weird, but I'm going to miss you.

Cami: Rafiki is not Jesus.

After telling my roommate and her brother that God "tells me to suck it up"

Cami: He's been a nice God to me.

Cami: Sometimes I don't know how people like to drink things besides water. Or chocolate milk.

Coworker: That's because we're adults, Cami.

Patient: I like your eyes. They're kind of glow-y.

Two guys playing HORSE at the park

One to the other: We have to jump over the basketball [something about another jump, picking up the ball, and taking the shot]. All while on the scooter.

(Needless to say, neither of them made the shot.)

Going with my roommate to the National Archives

Cami: Let's National Treasure this thing. Do you have the van?

Random boy (age 10-12) at the zoo: [This girl] said that she thought Simba was smokin' hot. And then later she told me I kind of look like Simba. So I was like, "Do you realize you just called me smokin' hot?"

Cami: My hair is dumb. But God made it that way, so it's perfect.

Cami: You need to fly more. Let's go places.

Griffin: Okay Toyota.

Miracles, Faith, and Moving Mountains

Since General Conference at the beginning of April, the topic of miracles has been ever present around me. President Nelson's talk about Spiritual Momentum suggested seeking and expecting miracles. I've heard several examples of people asking for miracles, or just something they really want, and then God giving it to them the next day or within a few hours even. And I've struggled with that because I feel like that's not how God works in my life. I feel like God's answers to my prayers are "no" or "not yet."

This is what I have learned in my struggle this month though. God works miracles in my life. They are not the same as other people's miracles, but that does not necessarily make them less than others' miracles. I also realized that sometimes I don't notice the miracles because they are just naturally part of things that I am doing or aren't 100% what I am asking for. I try to bargain with God and "sweeten the deal" when really there is no deal; God is giving me something, and I should be grateful.

I have been trying to make a few decisions for changes that are happening in the near future. About a month ago, I felt good about an option. After I felt good about that option, I got new information. I didn't feel as sure about that option as I did before. So I continued my research, pondering, and prayers. After a long struggle and other options falling away (really good options, I might say, even ones where I thought, "This is perfect!"), I had a wrestle prayer with God. I have a lot of wrestle prayers with God. I also wrote about my struggle in my journal. In the end, I realized that the original option was still an option. And it still works with the new information that I received. So, my struggle was purely from looking beyond the mark. I still have yet to act on this option because there are a few other factors that need to be taken care of, and maybe this option will also fall away. Hopefully not. But sometimes I miss the miracles because they don't seem as "perfect" as other people's. My stories don't follow the same pattern of I prayed and I got what I wanted. My path to seeing miracles is a little bit messier. Partially due to my own stubbornness. 

The other thing that I have realized in the past month is that God moves mountains, and He also requires people to climb mountains. Some people's lives are filled with the faith to move mountains. And some people are asked to have faith to climb the mountains. Whichever is asked of us, we still have faith. Just because God asks me to climb more often than He asks me to move mountains does not mean my faith is less than those who move more than climb. Those who climb more might develop some really nice calves though.

Climbing also allows us to see where we have come from. We can gain a clearer picture of what is happening and what is going on around us. Here are a few pictures of views I have had from climbing. They aren't the best pictures, but I've seen lots of things because I have been willing to go to greater heights.

In the end, God is working miracles in my life, even when I don't immediately see it. And I am stubborn. I am often myopic, as the leaders in the church so love saying these days.

Really Late Quotes

 So, here are the quotes from the last part of 2021.  5 months later!

Cami: I burned my spaghetti-os because my arm was bleedin'.

Lari, answering the phone: How did you know I wanted you to call me?
Cami: I don't know things; I just do things.

Jenny: You can do anything and everything related to ...  anything and everything.

Cami: Want to hear some gross stuff about my sweat?

(Obviously still working on my social skills.)

Coworker 1: Don't pull his tail or he'll bite the sh** out of you.

Cami: Well that's good for people who are constipated.

Coworker 2: That... That was a good one Cami.

Cami: Thank you.

Sabrina: But Jesus saved the aliens.

Cami: You might be a nerd if you say it's time to go to bed and then end up adding a macro into the excel spreadsheet you use for your calling.

Cami: I have a 12-sided die on my desk at work, so I chuckle about if anyone were to invite me to D&D or other nerd games and I show up with this:

And then the group did 30 lunges. They, obviously, did not beat the troll.

Talking about someone's haircut

Dad: It's like a homeless... it's like someone played a prank on a homeless person.

Coworker 2: Your brain's doing that thing again, Cami. You spouted off six different ideas in less than a minute.

Sit for a Season

 Do you have patterns in your life? Do things and situations tend to repeat?

One pattern that I have found in my life is I realize that I need to make a decision several months in advance, I start to get my ideas in order, and I pray to know what to do, and God tells me to be patient in some form or another. And then He usually confirms or rejects my plans about a week or two before I absolutely have to have done something about the situation. Usually this happens when I am moving. Utah was a rough place for me because I wanted to move every year, and I would not come to a conclusion until I was a week or two away from moving. This resulted in lots of not renewing housing contracts and then scrambling to find one or miraculously being able to renew late. It also resulted in me quitting jobs and then asking for them back or finding new ones. And then my last year there, it ended with me still working for two weeks after my lease had ended, so I bummed on people's couches and did schoolwork at the park while camping in my car loaded with most of my possessions.

The awkward scrambling and other results from these decisions are not, however, the hard part. It's the patience. Patience is the hard part. It's the waiting for a confirmation to a decision and being told to just give it time in the meanwhile. The answer to have patience has come in so many forms. It's come in the form of "don't worry about that." It's been "don't give up on either." It's a "[it] will come to you," "wait," "I have a work for you to do" without added instruction, and sometimes no recognizable acknowledgement of my request. 

My current waiting period is "Sit for a Season."

What does it even mean to sit for a season? 'Cause I'm not just gonna sit and do nothing. At first glance, I think it's to stop trying to control so much. It's to sit back and let God handle things. Stay in the moment and just stay where you're at for now.

I know I'm going to move in June. I don't know where. My Indeed account is full of Recreation Therapist jobs saved. And mostly in other states. (Not Utah though. I did my time there.) Will I stay in Arizona? I don't know. Will I move to another state? Maybe. But ultimately I don't know right now. Everything just feels bleh. And God says to sit for a season. Just hold on for a moment.

But that's hard. I'm not a waiter. If anyone knows me, I finish people's sentences all the time because I don't know how to wait. If you know my family's Disneyland trends, we don't wait in a line for more than 45 minutes. (We're the people that speed walk past everyone and somehow have fast passes for all the fun rides. But since Disney's changing, we'll need a new strategy.) I can't sit still. The only thing that can hold my attention for more than an hour is jigsaw puzzles. Once it's 20-30 minutes into a task, I have to do something else. Actually, I can read for a few hours as well. But here God is, asking me to wait. Sometimes it feels like I'm going to wait for my whole life. Just wait.

Funny story, one time I was praying, and the answer was "Patience." And so I said, "I know, I know, patience. But how long do I have to be patient for?" And then God and I had a good laugh.

If you want some definitions for sit that fit this situation, here they be:

• remain in a certain state or position
• to remain quiescent (quiescent is dormant or inactive)
• to serve as a model (as in having a picture taken/painted) (this is definitely the meaning for this situation)
• to rest something
• to be located in a particular position

So I guess I am to stay for a moment. 

I just want to know my next adventure. Because I know one is coming. I know I am moving. It feels that things are wrapping up where they are. Friends are heading in different directions. I'm getting antsy. I don't like when I start getting stagnant. I've been in the same position for too long. I'm not learning anything new. My life is redundant. It feels like time to go.

And God says to sit.

At least for a season. Winter is a season. And also spring. Come summer, it's time for the next grand (or not so grand) adventure. And I won't know what it is until then. Waiting is the true refiner's fire. So maybe I will at least be a little more refined by the time June rolls around. We shall wait and see. And then I will move into a season of standing and moving.