The Mutual Game Part 6

It's been a rough week.  I went to my cousin's wedding, and a bunch of other things have been happening in my family that show me that people are moving on with their lives while I sit stupidly doing nothing of importance.  I also started my less awkward pictures on Mutual this week.  Because of the wedding and my Mutual account I have had a lot of conversations about me dating and putting on a good front.  Some things that have been said to me concerning my dating life are as follows:

• "Maybe you just need to be aggressive."
• "You need to put yourself out there."
• "You need to be more outgoing."
• "You should be less quiet."
• "You're showing that you have given up by putting your bad pictures up--people who want to get married would never show their bad pictures."
• "You're too sarcastic and negative."
• "Stop being sarcastic."
• "Don't say negative things about yourself on dates.  No one wants to be around negative people."

After being super depressed at my cousin's wedding and being told about how negative I am, I just thought and thought about why I am so negative, especially about getting married.  And I think it's because of what I have always struggled with: I feel like I constantly have to prove that I am good enough.  And not getting married is just another thing that shows me that I'm not good enough: that people don't like me or that something is blatantly wrong with me.  And I say it out loud.  I voice my concerns.  I say negative things about myself, so other people don't have to.  I subconsciously believe that if I say something poorly about myself and acknowledge my flaws, then the people that I say it to don't have to go and bad mouth me when I'm not there.  I say it before anyone else can.

I have no idea who is saying bad stuff about me, but I am around people enough (all the time--I'm hardly ever alone) that I know people are being rude about others.  And I'm sad to say that I have said a lot of bad things about a specific group of people.  I'm sorry, and I am working on it.  I have a lot that I am working on to forgive this group of people.  I need to make a lot of changes in my life and behavior.  But the things people say just solidify my beliefs about my own flaws in the eyes of others.

I kind of did this social experiment to prove myself.  Parts of me wanted to prove to some family members that I wasn't entirely useless and could get validation from other human beings and also prove to them that I know I am as useless as I think they think about me.  And because I'm miserable trying to prove myself, I ended my experiment early.  I deleted my Mutual account.  I deleted my Facebook account.  And hopefully I will do social experiments that change the way that I view myself and others.  I have a terrible view of the world.  And my [family member] would argue that that's exactly why I'm not married.  But oh well.  It's time to just be a better me.  I know I'm dumb to some people, but I'm also smart.  I know I'm not super useful, but I am somewhat useful.  I know I'm a burden, but I also lift.  And I know that people see me very poorly, but there is a great number of people who love me and think I'm awesome.  And I don't feel super narcissistic saying that.  And I'm sorry for not listening to the people who love me and tell me good things.

I just need to believe that other people like me just as much as I like me.  And not become a  narcissist, which is something I am afraid of being.

The Mutual Game Part 5

Happy Thanksgiving!  Let us all be thankful that my awkward phase is over.  Just joking, my awkward phase will never be over.  However, the awkward picture phase is over on Mutual.  I am putting up new pictures.  And I only have to have these ones up for two weeks, so yay.  The score to beat is 6.  I only have to get six matches within the next two weeks to have gotten the same number of matches as the four weeks of unflattery.  We'll see if all the boys have already down-swiped me.  If I haven't down-swiped them first.  Haha! Just kidding.  I'm just kind of done.

Want to know how I swipe?  I usually am fairly truthful for about two accounts.  And then I get bored and just start swiping down on everyone super quickly.  Obviously this isn't going to work.  Funny story, if you run out of accounts to swipe, you can reset all your down swipes, so it's like you haven't swiped them yet.  I did that once because I apparently swipe down a lot.  So basically boys don't really get an honest answer unless they are the first two.  I hate Mutual.  It's so dumb.  If I ever get married, it's gonna be a miracle.  Honestly, I probably would have to be best friends with a guy for a while and then somehow we both think we should get married.  Except, my best boy friends like girls who aren't me.  So that's fun.

Now that that rant is over here is what you would currently see if you ever ran into my account:

Now, you're probably thinking, "Cami, those pictures are still awful."  Well, sorry.  I can't change my face.  It's just how it's gonna have to be.  I just have a bad face and a bad personality.  (That's really gonna get 'em.  No one can resist that.)  Don't worry, I will have these up for two weeks, and then I'm quitting Mutual.  Because then I'll have found a beau.  Just joking, me getting married means that the end of the world is upon us.  And I'll give you my theory as to why next week.

The Mutual Game Part 4

I just want to start by saying that some of the guys on Mutual look so old.  Their profiles say that they're my age, but they don't look it.  And if I'm being honest, I look not old.  I unfortunately can't even say that I look my age.  I could maybe pass off for a 22-year-old.  So, I don't think those guys who look like they're 40 would be a good fit.  Just sayin'.  Or maybe I'm just too picky.  It's not like I am trying to actually find a real match with this, so whatever.  (Or that I would find a match with my awful pictures.)

I only have one week left as an unattractive stalker on Mutual.  I think I can manage.  We shall see.  Then I have to put up my okay pictures.  I have to admit that I have been looking through my pictures again to try and find something that shows that I'm actually a normal human being, and I've got nothing.  Absolutely zero.  Well maybe one picture.  I apparently don't care about my appearance at all.  Maybe my next experiment should be dressing less like a bum.

Next week, I'll be making my normal account, and I'll show you the pictures that I pick.  Everyone will probably think I'm still creepy looking, but you know, that's just me.  (I do a really good job of complimenting myself.  I make myself sound so attractive.  What's wrong with me?)  I'm sorry I didn't have any pictures this week.  Just imagine either me rolling my eyes from boredom or my face throwing up.  'Cause I'm pretty sure most of you have seen both of those faces.  Anyway, I'll have better stuff next week.

The Mutual Game Part 3

This week, I actually matched with two guys.  That was super awkward.  I don't know what's going on.  I haven't had any messages though.  So, I think the ugly photos are still kind of working.

I don't think I am going to last the whole four weeks.  Would anyone be mad if I end the ugly photos after week 3 instead?  That also means that I only have to have my normal photos for a week.  And then I can re-delete my Mutual account and finally re-delete my Facebook account.  I deleted my Facebook account a few weeks ago and then had the amazing Mutual troll idea.  So, then I had to cancel my deletion.  Poop.

I have been trying to find pictures for my normal account, and guess what!  I have no good pictures.  I'm always wearing my hair really bad, and I don't smile in pictures.  And I actually make awful pictures.  I guess the unflattering pictures are the real ones.  Also, I've been debating whether or not to put the following picture on my normal-looking account.  I've been told that it's super awkward when I pick up my "little" brother.  But I think it's funny.  I could put in my bio that the cute baby is my brother, since all the guys clarify that the cute babies are their nieces/nephews.

The Mutual Game Part 2

Actually, I'm pretty sure we can still use LDS to refer to members of the church.  I just get corrected a lot these days.

I'd like to start this week with a rant.  This is why I hate Mutual so much.  I lived in Provo, Utah not too long ago.  It is a place with thousands of members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  And among those thousands, there are hundreds of Young Single Adults (YSA), who are put into congregations (wards) of YSA members.  Hence, single people are constantly in contact with other single people in their wards (at least I always in contact with other single people from my wards).  Each congregation is usually 100 or more YSA (I found myself in a lot of ~144-member wards).  Taking about 100 members, and if the ward has equal numbers of men and women, there should be about 50 men that a woman could meet and 50 women that a man could meet.  Granted the numbers fluctuate and the wards aren't always 1:1 men-to-women, the odds aren't always that great.  However, there are still a number of people whom an individual could meet.

I was in one such ward during my too many years in Provo.  I went on a few dates while in this ward.  A handful of the ward members were on Mutual, my roommates included.  And I often knew that boys in the ward were on the app because they would come up on the screens of my roommates' phones.  So here were a bunch of people that I knew were not asking each other on dates but seeing each other on Mutual.  There were quite a few boys that if they had asked me on dates, I would have said yes.  I have never turned down a first date.  And I know I should have asked the boys on dates, but I am pretty sure my courage level is at -33.  I honestly have no courage.  I've been praying for it.  For years.  My rant is that these people were just finding each other on the app.  They weren't giving the people right in front of them a chance.  So why can't people talk to each other face-to-face?  Why can't we do that anymore?

Now that my rant is over, I will let you know that I also found people that I know while on the app.  I haven't lived in Arizona for a few years, but I still know people.  Let's start with this great find.

I found my cousin!  Obviously I swiped down for relative reasons; I'm not dating any cousins, okay.  But if you aren't my cousin, you should definitely look him up.  He shares some of the same genes as me, so take that as you will.

Since last week, I've had 4 matches.  I'm thinking that they may have swiped up before I had changed it to its current awfulness.  And here I will explain a little about the app: both parties swipe up for it to be a match.  Once you match with someone, you can start messaging each other.  None of the 4 matches have resulted in messaging.  I don't think they like the new pictures.

In other news, here was a group message that ensued from my starting this social experiment.

Tune in next week for more updates on how weird I am.  I guess.