Pretending That I'm Not

I've been chastened a lot lately due to my inability to socialize.  Okay, I don't think that's really what people think they are chastening me about.  It's because I am a super negative person and can always find something negative about myself.  I pretend that I'm not any good (when I'm around people).  I pretend to be less.  And pretending to be less gets me into a bit of trouble; I have been told to fix a few things: my attitude, my perception, my pride, etc.

In my journey to being "fixed," I tried to figure out what the root of my social ineptness was. And because I love my abnormal psychology book and unofficially diagnosing everyone with something, I turned to that.  I sometimes pretend that I have ADHD-Inattentive, but that's because I never know where anything is.  Like the other morning when I picked up my car keys and then suddenly didn't have them when I was halfway to my car.  Which I wasn't actually halfway to my car because I had also forgotten where that was.  But that isn't even what I get chastened for.  Back to being social.

I decided that my closest diagnosis would be Avoidant Personality Disorder:

• Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection
• Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked
• Shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed
• Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations
• Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy
• Regards herself as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others
• Is usually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing

Of which I mostly just don't meet the first symptom.  All the others perfectly describe how I feel and/or what I do.  However, there isn't much on how it is treated.  The book mentions that it has similar symptoms to Social Anxiety Disorder, which uses exposure therapy.  I guess I have to be social.

So, I want to say that I am working on things.  And I want to apologize to everyone who has been in contact with me for the last month.  I have complained a lot about my calling because it brings up all of my issues and has sent me into despair every Sunday for the last few months.  I have done really well during the weeks that I just pretended that I didn't have a calling.  But, it's all in my head.  I also apologize for apologizing because I know that makes people even more irritated with me.

Okay, now to get to the positive of this post because I try to end all my posts with something positive or at least something that I think is comical.  Because of my social ineptness, my life has been filled with social experiments.  So, I recently sent out a survey.  (You should also start expecting a lot of social experiments with my "exposure therapy.")  The actual reason I sent this survey out is because I try to find reasons why boys shouldn't want to date me and height has been a recurring theme.  Despite some of you believing that I fear boys, I actually talk to boys all the time.  My roommate says that I'm a player, but I think she's wrong.  I think she is the player.  Sorry; tangents.  From my conversations with boys, I have heard, "the shorter the better," "Five-Seven or shorter," "Nothing shorter than five-nine," "five-eleven," and on.  Mostly, there is this gap between five-seven and five-nine, which just so happens to be where I fit.  So, I give that as a reason why boys shouldn't want to date me.  I pretend that I'm not what people would like.  

I sent out a survey.  Below is a graph of the heights guys like of girls.  Let's just say I have been proven wrong.

P.S. I apologize for anyone offended by my unofficial diagnosing.  I don't have these disorders.  Or at least I never go to find out.  I mostly wanted to unofficial diagnose myself with APD because I feel the therapy that is tied to that would be very beneficial to my personality and thought processes.  I don't mean to make a mock of any diagnoses. 

Shoe Shopping

Shopping is something I do not enjoy.  Grocery shopping is okay because I get food from it, even though my roommates still have to encourage and prod me to go.  Clothes shopping is a not okay but can be over quickly.  Shoe shopping is utterly the worst.  There is no contest on how depressing shoe shopping can and will be.

As my sister starts telling me that my shoes are too ratty or as I realize that I really at some point have to get boots for the winter, I start to mentally prepare myself for the fact that I must go shoe shopping.  I put it off for a few days, and then weeks, and maybe a few months.  And then I set a day that I absolutely have to go to the store by.  And then that day passes.  I must go.  But I don't want to.

Finally the day arises that I have enough courage to take on the daunting task.  I look up multiple shoe stores in the area and decide on going to the store that will most likely carry my size and the type of shoe first, so I don't have to go to more than one store if possible.  I head to the store.

As I walk up to the store, I know they won't have what I am looking for.  My mood starts depressing before making it inside.  However, I must do this.  I am a grown woman, or so I am told, and must face this.  Bravely.  I mean, let's think about this.  What kind of woman doesn't love shoes?  What kind of woman doesn't love shopping for accessories such as these?  This girl.  But I enter the store because I know I have to.

I try to keep my small chunk of hope as I walk toward the type of shoes that I need.  Luckily, there are seven options for the shoe type.  I find the one that I love the best.  And the largest size they have is 10.  Okay, there are six more options.  I go to the next best option.  Largest size is 9.  And then, the hope fades but tries to hold on because I need this.  I need new shoes.  I look through all the good options to no avail.  And then, the ugliest, most frivolous, most out of my price range has my size: the dreaded 11.  I try them on just because.  I know I'm not going to get them because they are the most impractical things I have ever laid eyes on.  Well, not the most.  I see lots of impractical stuff all the time.

So, I go to the next store.  I head to the section that is my size.  It's just a bunch of ugly old lady shoes.  And I already get made fun of for my grandma swimsuit, so I don't purchase anything.  I check the men's section though.  By the way, men's shoes are more comfortable than women's shoes.  Sometimes I am tempted to just buy men's shoes only.  I will have the cutest shoes at church.

The next store.  Nothing.

The next store.  I end up with a size 12 in the type of shoe I needed 8 months ago because the size 11 is just a little smaller for this brand.

The next store still doesn't have my size.  So, my hope has finally died.  My face no longer shines any light of happiness.  And I hold back the tears that threaten to flow.  (Just kidding, it's just one tear.)  I leave the store in misery.  I look miserable.  People tell me to smile.  And I resent them.  I'm done.  I want no part of this anymore.

And so it is that I stick with my nasty pair of $6 shoes that my sister tells me I need to, have to toss.

No thank you, I'd rather not go through that again.  But I know I'll have to in about six months.