First, on my mission, I desperately wanted people to understand and be converted to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I felt the urgency to share the gospel. I felt the necessity for people to accept the gospel. But, I couldn't force it down their throats. Conversion takes time. I had to wait and be patient with the people I was teaching. I had to be patient with myself. Although I had to be patient, I still had to share the gospel and share the immediate need for the healing power of the Atonement. We need it now, but we must also be patient. This is patient urgency.
Now, I am in an awkward state. Many ponderings and scriptures studies (and the most recent General Conference) and other such things have been pointing to the Lord's desire for me to get married and have a family. And some time soon. I feel the urgency. But honestly, it scares me. I have many flaws, and I don't work well with others. This also means that I would have to go on dates, which I am not currently doing. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM DOING. I second-guess myself all the time. If I don't get things done, that is why. I don't have any confidence, my friends. I don't know how to do things. This is why I don't ask boys on dates. Boys don't ask me for reasons I don't exactly know, but I have a few guesses. It's probably because BYU is full of attractive, flirty, high-maintenance, blonde, short, classy, confident girls that distract the boys from my interesting, goat-shirt-wearing person. Anyways, I feel the urgency, but I need to be patient. I need to be patient with myself. And, I just wish the urgent feeling would go away. But, it won't. Seriously, I don't want to feel like this. So, I guess I should just take some confidence pills. At least I have more of a desire to get married than before my mission. Before, I had almost absolutely no desire. Now, I have about a 13% desire.
And now, you know the inner struggles of the person known as Cami. You know you don't have to read my blog, right? Have fun. It's May!
And now, you know the inner struggles of the person known as Cami. You know you don't have to read my blog, right? Have fun. It's May!
